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Chaos erupts in Los Santos with rumors of Financial Collapse

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jesusalready
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#1

Posted 15 January 2014 - 07:58 PM Edited by jesusalready, 15 January 2014 - 08:04 PM.

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POPULAR

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This is a Breaking News Report for Weazel Action News

Greetings, Los Santos, this is Wynter Summers reporting as the city erupts in chaos.

Rumors of financial collapse have reached a fever pitch and hit several communities around Los Santos hard. On Popular St., riots broke out amongst rush hour travelers that ended with the destruction of two transit authority buses. Seven were taken to local area hospitals to be treated for injuries and as many as fifteen are reported dead from the riots.

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Horace Walker and Richard Woodson were witnesses.

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Walker describes the scene: "Man, that sh*t was cray, you know what I'm saying? Blood everywhere, people just lost their minds. One blind dude was goin' on about how his pension was going to disappear. Said he had millions that were possibly on the verge of being vanished because of this money thing. He had some crazy idea about filling his garage with expensive cars to sell after this all ended. I told him, 'Yo, who's gonna have the money to buy them from you, fool?'

"That's when he shot himself in the head and the bus just went crazy. Grown men crying, I saw one woman just start stabbing people with a beer bottle and stealing their money. I didn't know we was in the bar car! Then the fire started... and the trampling. I grabbed some kid on the verge of being trampled and the blind dead dude's dog and ran like hell." Walker also happily mentioned that the dog is newly christened as "Riot".

Woodson could only add that he was covered with brain guts, "I held his head together in my hands... in my hands." Woodson then vomited.

As expected, there was also a buying craze on munitions at all local AmmuNation locations. One such event ended quite badly when a deranged woman crashed her car through the front doors and shoppers likened it to Black Friday.

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For other perspectives, we reached out to some of Los Santos' more unfortunate citizens one of which had a more positive outlook about the financial situation. Christopher Minson laughed, "You think it can get any worse for me? Pretty soon I'll be the ones putting them in their places. Let them live in fear of me while they sleep under the bridges. They'll all soon be my bitches."

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These men had no comment and one proceeded to eat his own excrement in front of this reporter.

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Vice City residents Brad Collier and Michael Tiller are here on business. What business they wouldn't reveal, but they made their feelings clear. "It's Los Santos' problem. You had these assholes trying to cheat the system and now they cry foul over what they created." Tiller added, "Absolutely no sympathies."

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In Vinewood, one resident, who asked to remain anonymous, had a scorched earth policy, torching both her and her friend's vehicles in a parking lot. When asked why, the woman shrugged and said, "It's a Vinewood thing. You wouldn't understand." Los Santos PD said that these weren't the first vehicles she had burned that day and she was suspected of inciting others to do the same in the downtown financial district.

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A prostitute was found stabbed and shot to death on Shank St.

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This reporter wanted to know where she got those awesome "f*ck me boots", but had no identification. The only clue to her identity was a tattoo at the base of her skull - in stunning calligraphy - "Property of Small Tank Slimness". This reporter tracked down Small Tank Slimness with surprising ease.

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Getting a statement from Mr. Slimness would prove to be difficult. When asked about the dead woman across town, Mr. Slimness remained aloof, "Financial crisis or not, I get paid. I always get paid. Accidents happen to bitches. They may happen when bitches owe me money. An accident could happen to you, bitch." Mr. Slimness then became hostile, "Wait. Why am I talkin' to you, bitch? Do you owe me money? Well, now you do!"

These would be the last words of Small Tank Slimness as this reporter was suddenly backhanded by the pimp. This reporter has no comment as to what happened next and makes claim to having a "brain cloud".

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This is Wynter Summers for Weazel Action News.


This weekend on Weazel Action News: With the financial meltdown evident, your Weazel Action News team prepares itself to confront the instability directly!

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  • Joriz, AndyGanteks, Gantons Most Wanted and 97 others like this

cbiscuit93
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#2

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:00 PM

I smell a peabody award.

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Mr. Rocko
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#3

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:00 PM

What is this
  • Dixbfloppin likes this

WetWoolley
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#4

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:01 PM

Very clever mate. Great read!


Acky.
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#5

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:02 PM

Awesome, that's what this is.
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hallkjell
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#6

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:02 PM

LOL

 

Thank you!!


djmatao
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#7

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:03 PM Edited by djmatao, 15 January 2014 - 08:05 PM.

Okay... You have officially won best post of the day! Maybe even of the week. Brilliant!!

 

This is the poster after seeing all our rave reviews lol

 

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Polish_Trucker
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#8

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:03 PM

So in summary, Los Santos is going sh*t? Right? Right?


stonedpimpso
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#9

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:03 PM

best maintenance downtime thread yet... but alas TLDR. Pics are colorful though.

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gtaocicat
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#10

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:04 PM

that was just epic man .  bravo!!


MrHollick
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#11

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:04 PM

Wow this has got to be the best and most entertaining post ever on these or any other boards!!!

iainspad
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#12

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:07 PM

This thread wins the entire forum. Absolutely f*cking love this. :D

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uhlinyaface
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#13

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:07 PM

Great thread.


Accendo
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#14

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:09 PM

Today, OP was not a fa**ot.
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Sugar Free Nos
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#15

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:09 PM

I smell a peabody award.

 

Oh gurl,

 

 

She be gettin' a Peabody.

 

Such Journalism

 

So reporting

 

Much news


Fallcreek
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#16

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:10 PM

This thread is the definition of AWESOME.


Bluesun62
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#17

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:11 PM

Best thing I've read on these forums all day!!! Thanks for the great post!


iainspad
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#18

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:11 PM Edited by iainspad, 15 January 2014 - 08:11 PM.

Does anyone wanna riot in GTAO right now? I really want to after seeing this thread :D

 

I want carnage.


Themonsterhunter
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#19

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:12 PM

I actually liked this, had me a good laugh or two. Keep up the good reporting, OP. 


beat_savy_9
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#20

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:16 PM

OP, best one yet, thank you


SmokeDat
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#21

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:16 PM

A lot of news there...however most can just be gleaned from the communities reaction to certain events.

News for some, everyday bullsh*t for others.

Silky
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#22

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:17 PM

Haha! That's brilliant OP, just brilliant!


The Shadow
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#23

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:18 PM

This thread is totally TOTH..

. Good job OP. You made up my day ;)


jesusalready
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#24

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:26 PM

Glad people are enjoying!  This is actually the purpose of our crew  - All of our reports are filed here: http://weazelactionnews.tumblr.com/

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Fallcreek
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#25

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:27 PM

Glad people are enjoying!  This is actually the purpose of our crew  - All of our reports are filed here: http://weazelactionnews.tumblr.com/

Holy sh*t, totally going to follow your blog.


Ayes
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#26

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:31 PM

You won the Internet today.


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#27

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:35 PM

nice work op


Zodape
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#28

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:42 PM

Dear-diary-today-op-was-not-a-fa**ot.jpg

 

:cookie:

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Aizcold
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#29

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:50 PM

Great story mate, a real joy to read through :) Loved the pictures too.

K-lub84
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#30

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:53 PM

Does anyone wanna riot in GTAO right now? I really want to after seeing this thread :D
 
I want carnage.


When am I not rioting and causing hell.....?

I'm always rioting and causing hell!!!




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