Quantcast

Jump to content

» «
Photo

Ace's Poems Library

6 replies to this topic
Vercetti42
  • Vercetti42

    I have moved to a new account.

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 13 May 2013
  • India
  • Best Contributor [Gaming] 2012

#1

Posted 15 January 2014 - 08:43 AM Edited by AceKingston, 15 January 2014 - 08:44 AM.

Mokrie has a topic for all of his poems so I thought I'd make one for mine too. Instead of posting a new topic for each poem every time. Cheers. :)

 

The following poem is a little fast paced and different from other poem's:

 

Chase!

 

Take the gun,

Don't look back,
Run fast,
Till you last,
Stop by a shop,
Break it,
Rob it,
Take the cash,
And throw the trash.
 
Outside again,
Running again,
Jack a car,
Near a bar,
Begin a race,
With a chase,
Win the race,
Continue the chase,
The police have come,
To seal your faith.
 
Outside the city,
It's gritty and dirty,
Drive along,
Like king-kong,
Prepare an epic jump,
Pray that you don't have a lump,
Jump off a cliff,
Crash into the mud,
But it's soft as a bud.
 
You've finished the chase,
And won the race.
Sit back,
Don't rap,
Take a nap,
'Cause you're now free,
Just like a tree.

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    МОКРЫЕДЕЛA

  • Members
  • Joined: 01 May 2009
  • None
  • Most Talented Writer 2013
    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#2

Posted 15 January 2014 - 11:34 AM

I like fast-paced poems, but I find them hard to write. You've got to really nail the rhythm and flow, and your use of language has to be spot on.... well, that's true for any poem, but with faster paced ones, it's more obvious when it doesn't work.

This feels like a rap song, almost. But the problem is the rhythm my mind is reading it in, some things don't fit.

 

"Stop by a shop" is much longer than the previous lines. It broke the flow for me. And the following two lines are very short. By the time i came to the end of the first stanza/verse, i'd lost the rhythm.

 

Take the gun,
Don't look back,
Run fast,
Till you last,
Stop,
by a shop,
Break it,
Rob it,
Take the cash,
And throw the trash.

I actually think breaking that line up helps the flow but essentially there's something else going on here:

 

You're doing what i do. My latest poem - The Storm - i tried to not think about rhyming, just write it. It started okay, but i ended up trying TOO hard to rhyme in the end. The same thing is happening here. You're trying too hard to stick to that rhyming structure, that the rhythm suffers for it. You've got one line that's two syllables, then another that's four - that's a big jump and while, sometimes it works, I don't think it has here.
The thing with these short lines, is sometimes they act as one.

Run fast,
Till you last

this, when read at pace becomes one line almost.

Run fast, till you last.

And I wonder - would it work better as one line to begin with? This is the hard bit of writing poetry. Having it rhyme is easy, but having it make sense and do you justice is another. The latter is critical. Crucial. Read the Raven (E.A.Poe), my all time favourite poem. That is a masterclass in rhyming and flow and still making sense. It's an epic story, and not one tiny detail is lost or confused.
Here, however, you say "run fast" (that's fine) "Till you last." I personally would have said "Run fast, to your last [breath]" but even then you're restricting yourself. Check out some of the poem topics here - poetry is a beautiful thing, and there are some works on these forums that are beautiful - but most of all, there's words from eminence, typhus, etc, about the structure, advice and praise that will teach you more.

 

The meaning isn't lost in this poem, though, but the imagery falls flat at times. The problem with short, punchy lines, is you have to pack a lot into so little words - read some classic song lyrics from the likes such as the Doors, then compare it to modern rap/pop, and you'll see a difference, some of the latter have no clear message or meaning or emotion (not all, mind), where as some of the doors hit you straight away:
"The is the end,
Beautiful friend"
If that doesn't get you thinking.....

But my point is, every single word has to carry weight. "till you last" doesnt. It makes me think: "till i last what? Run until i last? Then just stop? Because if you "last" then you "persevere," and i think that that line contradicts what you're going for.

 

Second verse:
The imagery is a little better here, but again, it's the problem i have. I'm always told to write and not try to rhyme. That concept still baffles me. To me, poems always have rhymed. Perhaps you (and I) should both write a poem with one rule in mind: don't rhyme! Exploring the use of imagery and language is more important, but a lot harder when your mind is saying "that doesnt rhyme"

 

"The police have come
to seal your fate"

 

 

 

"Outside the city,
It's gritty and dirty"

I'm amazed you've not seen this. Clearly this is a rhyming poem.

"Outside the city,"
"dirty and gritty" Much stronger rhyme,

 

"Drive along
Like king kong."
This is an example of the imagery. What are you trying to show me here? Drive along, i think cars; king kong, i think huge gorilla on the empire state building.

 

"Prepare an epic jump
Pray that you don't have a lump"
Im going to be honest. I cringed at this. I've done this myself, but this is a couplet that is nothing by rhyme - a clear example that you've focused on the rhyme and not the message, imagery or language.

What exactly is a bud, too? and how is it soft? Budweiser? A friend (buddy)?

 

 

That's not to say this is a bad poem. No. I can see what you want to say, but not because of your language.

Poetry is a difficult thing. I think because it can be so romantic (in both meanings of the word), and emotional, it can be so damned beautiful, that it's too easy to write and say "that'll do."

I think the best advice for you, is to read some poetry. Not just on here, but go to your local library and borrow a compilation of poetry. Perhaps song lyrics too (be careful with the latter - what might work in a song, might not work in poetry.)
 

I'm not as good as i used to be at poetry (read "Who" and "Requim", then read "drawkcaB" and you'll probably see a big difference. I hope Eminence or someone with more knowledge pokes their head in here - they certainly know enough to offer some very good advice.


Vercetti42
  • Vercetti42

    I have moved to a new account.

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 13 May 2013
  • India
  • Best Contributor [Gaming] 2012

#3

Posted 15 January 2014 - 12:49 PM Edited by AceKingston, 15 January 2014 - 12:50 PM.

Now I see what I am not doing right, I'm doing the rhyme correct to an extent but the imagery isn't there. I just need a way to connect the two, right?

 

Anyways I enjoyed writing this though, I'll take your advice and post another fast-paced poem which (hopefully) is better than this one. :)


Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    МОКРЫЕДЕЛA

  • Members
  • Joined: 01 May 2009
  • None
  • Most Talented Writer 2013
    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#4

Posted 15 January 2014 - 01:53 PM

Well, if you've enjoyed writing it, that's what counts.

The advice of "don't think about rhyming" is probably best here. Not all poems rhyme - and sure i struggle at it, but looking at this, I'm seeing the logic in it.

Look forward to seeing some more.


Kalvin
  • Kalvin

  • Zaibatsu
  • Joined: 06 Apr 2011
  • United-Kingdom

#5

Posted 15 January 2014 - 02:06 PM

 

Mokrie has a topic for all of his poems so I thought I'd make one for mine too. Instead of posting a new topic for each poem every time. Cheers. :)

 

The following poem is a little fast paced and different from other poem's:

 

Chase!

 

Take the gun,

Don't look back,
Run fast,
Till you last,
Stop by a shop,
Break it,
Rob it,
Take the cash,
And throw the trash.
 
Outside again,
Running again,
Jack a car,
Near a bar,
Begin a race,
With a chase,
Win the race,
Continue the chase,
The police have come,
To seal your faith.
 
Outside the city,
It's gritty and dirty,
Drive along,
Like king-kong,
Prepare an epic jump,
Pray that you don't have a lump,
Jump off a cliff,
Crash into the mud,
But it's soft as a bud.
 
You've finished the chase,
And won the race.
Sit back,
Don't rap,
Take a nap,
'Cause you're now free,
Just like a tree.

By any chance was your inspiration GTA? :p


Vercetti42
  • Vercetti42

    I have moved to a new account.

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 13 May 2013
  • India
  • Best Contributor [Gaming] 2012

#6

Posted 15 January 2014 - 02:20 PM Edited by AceKingston, 15 January 2014 - 02:20 PM.

Not at all, it was a completely random idea but now that you mention it, it does seem like GTA.  :p


Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    МОКРЫЕДЕЛA

  • Members
  • Joined: 01 May 2009
  • None
  • Most Talented Writer 2013
    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#7

Posted 15 January 2014 - 03:51 PM

I thought that too :p

I think anyone who likes GTA enough to be a regular member of this forum, will have GTA paralleling their lives in some form.





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users