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Psychology and cosmic poems

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Xboxless
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#1

Posted 07 January 2014 - 09:38 AM Edited by Xboxless, 08 January 2014 - 05:11 AM.

I have recently started writing poems, I was never really creative before but now I am writing poems everyday, and at least 3 a day, if not more. They range from my happiness, to understanding psychology, to cosmological beauty.

 

When I die,
lie me down,
underneath a tree,
so my atoms,
can float in the cosmic sea.

 

--------------------------

 

Brightness of stars,

Always close,

and very far.

Note: I bought a poster with stars all over it and then put this poem on it.

 

--------------

 

 A marvelous tree,

the way it bends,

Its beauty sends,

happiness into me.

 

----------------

 

Take me now,
to the green,
take a bow,
to nature seen.

 

-----------------

 

A beautiful nebula, 
a chemical cloud, 
a gaseous shroud, 
for a newborn star.

 

--------------

 

To help each other,

is the ultimate goal,
not to mother,
but to light a coal.

 

--------------

 

Over-analyzation,

problem magnification,
have to take a vacation,
from my minds machinations,
It's time for meditation.

 

---------------

 

What I can fathom, 

When I open my eyes, 
Cracks between atoms, 
Through the universe I fly,
 

-----------------------

 

It's introspection, 

To the point of lying, 
It's self-deception, 
To the point of crying,
From my conception, 
To my day of dying. 

 

------------------------

 

Floating Organic ship,

on fabric of space-time,
on lovely cosmic trip,
mathematical line,
starting to lose our grip,
space-ships of human kind,
to planets we shall climb.

 

------------------------

 

I am completely smitten,
because he gives me cuddles,
and gives me love,
when no one else was,
Moses, my kitten.

 

-----------------------

 

What are these words,

that we use everyday,
their like birds,
because they make us stray,
this is why they should only be kind.

 

---------------------------

 

The beauty of a rose, 

Lies not in what I see, 
how it affects my nose,
But the complexity, 
In what I cannot see.

 

-------------------------

 

Thinking with music, 

impulses in my brain, 
Changing states to therapeutic, 
Feeling no drain

 

----------------------

 

Think back to those times,
When there were lines and no lines,

since then I have shut my blinds,

forget love that binds, for love that shines. 

Note:  This was about my first acid trip. I changed the third line to something else, but I forgot.

 

----------------------

 

As you blink,

and the day-llight shrinks,

you realize,

tomorrow will bring a new beauty. 

Note: This one I thought of just as I woke up from a nap.

 

----------------------

 

Humanity in flux,

no absolutes,

Changing our brain,

for blessing and bane, 

Thinking we're gods,

but we ain't even tame.

 

----------------------

 

One more. Hey sexy star child, making my mind go wild, what's going on behind that brain, I might be going insane, going through this cosmic lane, flying through the celestial rain. From that last meteor, rowing with that spacial oar, looking through that twilight door, come on science give me more, all that knowledge makes me roar, searching with that neural bore, questioning it all to the core, what's with this mythic lore, the one thing we should ignore. It all started with that Nye, super scientific guy, I don't wanna lie, under that tree when I die, it will be my last goodbye, my atoms with it till it dies, straight to tomorrows's eyes, continuing to all mankind, running on that timeline, straight to infinity, I will forever be, helping make that cosmic key, my life for that knowledge is the fee, worth it all to make us free.

Note: This was my first real poetic outburst. It was more just blasting sh*t out than actually writing a decent poem.

 

Tell me which ones you like, or if I'm a complete nutball!

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Mokrie Dela
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#2

Posted 07 January 2014 - 03:22 PM

First tip:
Separate the poems by title and the post will be easier to read

[size=14][b]TITLE[/b][/size]
TITLE

#2
Check your spelling. You've used their instead of they're at one point, and I think I spotted a missing apostrophe. Tiny things but they stand out times



I love poetry and I really enjoyed the first one. I'm not the best at offering constructive criticism with poems (hopefully someone else will) buy I liked the flow of the first one. A little too rigid with rhyming at times and nicely loose at others.

A little nip and tuck and you'll have a good little collection
I hope to see more and that others will offer their more experiences knowledge to help you

Xboxless
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#3

Posted 07 January 2014 - 06:08 PM Edited by Xboxless, 07 January 2014 - 06:08 PM.

Well, I get the criticism on rhyming too much, but sometimes it's a point of pride to rhyme everything and still mean what I want it to mean. Take for example the machination/meditation one, that one came completely from my head and it still means what I wanted it to mean. That said, it's probably not the greatest.

 

Most of them are ones that I just blast out in a second, and wipe my hands of. If I tried to really work on them I would lose my love for them. But I can see what I can do to them.


Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

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    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#4

Posted 08 January 2014 - 10:36 AM

That's a pretty good explanation. I actually liked the machination rhyme, but as said I'm not the best in critiquing poems. I can only say what I like etc.

 

Editing things down can be tricky, but usually pays off. If you believe in what you have already, however, and that means more to you (which is what counts) than any edited work, then by all means keep it and stand by it.
 

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Xboxless
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#5

Posted 10 January 2014 - 12:09 PM Edited by Xboxless, 12 January 2014 - 02:32 AM.

I did touch a couple.

 

Here is a new one

 

 

It's nucleo-genesis,

in starry explosions,

when they form you,

your fears of future and past,

fade.

 

------------

 

Meditation,

to clear you mind,

and set you free,

from all the things,

to which it clings.

 

----------------

 

Survive.

 

Ships with banks of brains,

scanning planets for data,

habitat adapting bodies,

to explore new lands,

terra-forming plans,

what will it take,

to survive.

 

This is actually the combination of two I wrote. I just formed them into one. Thanks!


Xboxless
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#6

Posted 05 May 2014 - 06:15 AM Edited by Xboxless, 07 May 2014 - 04:07 PM.

Is it ok to bump threads?

 

Dazzling radiance ripped apart,
swirling round this darkened hole,
dense shadows form ignoble heart,
with gravitational pull,
but find new brightness on star chart,
shining light to make me full.

 

--------------------

 

Oh the horror,
I see by night,
The velvet sky, 
Pierced only by,
Specks of starlight.

 

----------------------

 

A feast laid before me,
of sin and carnal pleasure,
licking skin so softly,
lost in euphoric leisure.

 

-------------------

 

Universes met

A touch so close,
Now dividing,
These thoughts compose,
with slow striding,
The love that flows,
to those I know.,


Mokrie Dela
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    Most Talented Writer 2014
    Most Talented Writer 2013
    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#7

Posted 07 May 2014 - 11:41 AM

If you're adding something substantial to your own collection as you have done here, I see no problem with it - just don't go crazy. Do not bump just for views or to get it top of the page, but if you want to add to your work (as you have done, and as some do with stories and new chapters) then that's fine with me.


A question though - is each post the same poem, or is a new poem following the ------------ line? I can't tell which poems which - they could all be the same or different ones :p





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