Quantcast

Jump to content

» «
Photo

Lost

2 replies to this topic
Vercetti42
  • Vercetti42

    I have moved to a new account.

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 13 May 2013
  • India
  • Best Contributor [Gaming] 2012

#1

Posted 14 December 2013 - 04:36 AM

Staring out at the setting sun

Another day gone without fun

With no path left to follow

And nothing left to swallow

 

Tracing words down on the dry sand

With a withered hand

Clamped around a wooden stick

Which he would then flick

 

Night time brings no change 

Except for inarticulate rage

Darkness engulfs him in dreamland

Whilst being on an Island

 

Morning brings fresh despair

With no boat left to repair

Longing for the thing he desired the most

Alongside the dreadful idea of being lost

 

And then it came

After 5 days of the same

Sick and starving

The thing he had been carving

 

Getting on the boat

Pulling on a long coat

After days of despair and boredom

He had got what he had wanted, freedom.


D4 Damager
  • D4 Damager

    Listening to the Mandolin Rain...

  • Members
  • Joined: 14 Aug 2013
  • None

#2

Posted 15 December 2013 - 04:45 AM

OK I don't want this to come across as a rant, but I've just read the poem and there are a couple of things that I feel are preventing it from being good.

 

The problem with rhyme in poetry is that it often has a tendency to become forced, which is what much of this rhyme is. For example:

 

Clamped around a wooden stick

Which he would then flick

 

Here, you have maintained the rhyme structure but the imagery is somewhat broken. Flick doesn't fit with the image of a broken, malnourished man on an island desperately tracing "HELP" into the sand. You also have the issue here of it being an unsatisfactory ending to a verse, because flick really needs something after it which deals with the manner, direction, or result of the flicking.

 

Another example:

 

Sick and starving

The thing he had been carving

 

Pretty sure this is a spelling error since you have made no mention of him having "carved" any boat. You probably meant to say craved?

 

Your choice of rhyming pattern is also problematic because in contemporary English rhyming couplets are most often used in a farcical manner. This leaves me as a reader unable to decide if you are being serious in your depiction of this man, or if it is some sort of farce. An example immediately springs to mind:

 

Getting on the boat

Pulling on a long coat

 

This is not at all compatible with your earlier semantic field of: "darkness", "despair", "dreadful". It also completely makes light of the man's rescue by reducing it to a whimsical 2 line couplet.

 

Another problem with the rhyme is that you have a bit of half-rhyme in quite key places. In one instance this actually becomes almost no rhyme:

 

dreamland

Island

 

I know that in a different accent these two words may have a similar pattern, but when I read it in my head it sounds wrong. Would I be right in assuming that you speak English with a slight American twang? I won't dwell on this for too long since it could just be a case of dialectal variation in stress.

 

The other thing that jumps out in this poem is the lack of a constant metre. In order for rhyming couplets to work you really need to keep a consistent number of syllables in each line. You don't have that. In your lines there are the following syllables:

 

8

8

7

7

 

8

5

6

5

 

5

8/9 -- depends on the pronunciation of inarticulate.

8

7

 

6

7

11

13

 

4

6

4

7

 

5

6

9

10 but the comma creates a pause which probably makes this 11.

 

Reading this is really jarring for me as it is constantly jumping about. There are several awkward phrases that seem poorly thought through and that should have been removed. I'll just take the last verse as an example.

 

Getting on the boat

Pulling on a long coat

 

Here you have 1 extra syllable -- the word "long". Is it that important to the poem that it's worth sacrificing the rhythm?

 

In addition to those things there are several poor choices of words throughout, and the choice of aspect in the last verse feels wrong to me. I know that you are trying to draw everything to a close with his rescue (while I can't actually be sure because of craving vs carving as I mentioned earlier) but this is in conflict with the use of the gerund. I am expecting there to be another verb governing what happens next, because lists of gerunds generally prepare you for action, not for an ending.


D4 Damager
  • D4 Damager

    Listening to the Mandolin Rain...

  • Members
  • Joined: 14 Aug 2013
  • None

#3

Posted 15 December 2013 - 05:01 AM

Nonetheless, there are some positives to take from this when you write future poems. Even if your message seems confused and your forced rhyme often results in near gibberish. The imagery of a couple of lines is particularly strong.

 

Night time brings no change

 

Morning brings fresh despair

 

You clearly have some ability when it comes to forming certain poetic images, it just needs practice.

 

In order to write better you'll probably have to can the rhyme. Too often people think of rhymes before they actually think of what they want to say and this forces their hand and probably changes what they were initially planning to write. There is nothing better than good, sensible rhyme, but there is also nothing worse than poorly constructed, broken rhyme. So I would suggest writing without rhyme. But in order to do that effectively other features of language become the rhyme in a way because they become the foundation upon which the rest of the poem is built. One of those features is meter. So I would advise that you try and keep a set number of syllables per line in future and only deviate from it slightly unless it's for effect.

 

That's all from me anyway. Hopefully my hungover/still slightly pissed ramblings aren't too harsh, and hopefully some of what I've said will be useful in helping you improve a little bit.





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users