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GTA V, a Glaswegian perspective

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yer_auld_da_
  • yer_auld_da_

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#1

Posted 26 November 2013 - 11:58 PM Edited by yer_auld_da_, 26 November 2013 - 11:59 PM.

being from glasgow I thought I'd write a synopsis for the game from a glaswegian point of view. let me know what you think or if you have anything to add.

introduction.


so gta v (or grand theft auto five for those goin ‘i cannae remember my roman numerals’) was released a few weeks ago and every c*nt has been puttin their phone porn doon tae play arguably one of the best games ever made. we at yer auld da were part of that jizzing crowd and have been squeezing in as much game time as possible in between drawing skits and combing oor hair. here is oor summary of the game and aw it brings. 
storyline.

the jist of any gta game is crime. the protagonist (that means yer character incase you’re already feeling like you’ve picked up a grown ups book by accident) is usually a guy who either has been or is aboot tae be involved in a lot of crime – kind of like being edward furlong but with a more glamorous ending tae yer life. in this edition of gta ye actually play as three characters, who are interchangeable at anytime: franklin - a young black lad who has a form of tourettes where he always says words like ‘ni**er’ and ‘fool’; michael - a retired criminal who thinks ‘f*ck it, i’ll just dae a wee bit more crime’ and trevor – the kind of weirdo that asks you for 20p in the street but isnae wearing any trousers at the time. unbelievably all three of these guys become pals of sorts, well michael and trevor kind of already are, and it’s no surprise that as the game progresses the three of them become more involved in each others business. the game is set in the fictional city of los santos which is part of the state (i think) of the also fictional san andreas – which was the same place a previous issue of the game was set. that’s aboot as much serious background chat as yer getting. charge on. 

characters.

as mentioned above, there are three auld da’s tae play as. let’s look at franklin first of aw. a like tae try and guess how old people are. whether am watchin hollyoaks and thinkin ‘although she’s playin a schoolie a wonder if the actress is old enough tae fancy’ or am looking quizzingly at a lyin bastard telling the bus driver he’s forgot his pass but he is indeed 65 and that he just looks young for his age i like to know how auld folk are. so franklin i’m gonnae say is aboot 27. he’s no exactly one of the wee bastards ye’d see on the wire being used tae ferry drugs but he doesnae look like he’s hit 30 yet either. he lives with his auntie – they might explain where his maw and that are but i wasnae listenin. infact, that was quite common. as soon as they started talking in cut scenes i seemed tae switch off. not cos it was sh*te, just that i have a sh*t attention span. and consequently i would have no clue what was happening half the time. but that’s just me bein a fanny. so franklin is basically this classic sh*tey street gangster who goes aroon pervin on black wummin and drivin motors tapped fae the fast and the furious. he does sh*te crimes that make him just a wee bit of money tae start wae but as the game goes on he makes more and more until he’s arguably got too much. 

then there was michael who gets tae know franklin cos the fly bastard tries tae rob him. auld michael (i’d say he’s aboot 45) isnae too fussed though and sees a chance tae make a new pal in franklin. a bit groomy to be honest but hey. michael was a criminal back in the day but is livin under a new name tae protect his identity. still has a big f*ck off hoose though. he has a wife who has had enough of his sh*te and goes aff lookin for her hole, a son who is just a wee wank and a darlin daughter who keeps tryin tae get on some mad tv show. a really weird thing aboot michael is the way he runs. i appreciate he’s older but the c*nt runs like he’s shat himsel. it annoyed me so much i almost didnae want tae see him run.

and finally there was trevor; a mad rapey bisexual freak psychopath. the best thing aboot trevor was by far the massive beard ye could give him – something that just wisnae possible wae michael for some reason. tryin tae say a c*nt in his 40’s cannae grow a beard? he’s no f*ckin michael jackson. trevor’s beard was a belter though. pure thick and powerful. the kind of beard that could give wummin orgasms. trevor lived in a caravan at first away at the top of the map – i cannae remember place names, awrite. it was a sh*tehole if am honest. i hated aw the missions up there at first cos it was just aw sand and these wee dugs that ran oot on the road when ye were drivin. used to sh*te it everytime and steer like f*ck tae avoid them. i’ll shoot an old wummin in the back of the heid as she crosses the road but but i’m no gonnae run doon an innocent dug. f*ck sake, am no a monster. but trevor’s life (well ma life controlling him) get’s better as the game goes on and he does mare missions in the toon. 

clothes.

let’s face it, we all dress our character up. tart it up anyway you want to try and make it not seem like you do but face it, you cannae resist getting yersel doon tae the local fashion outlet for some new gear. troosers, jaekits, hats, the lot, ye make yer guy intae whatever ye want. most people either go for classic cool guy (think shades, a nice suit etc) or a take the piss freak, also known as the london look. with trevor ye find it a bit easier tae release yer inner freak upon him as he is already quite a messed up character. basically ye’ve got tae remember that this guy would shag yer maw as soon as yer back was turned so ye kinda want tae punish him by putting him in very short orange shorts and a pink vest. i say punish him but really it’s yersel yer punishin, a mean, there’s only so long you can look at they big darlin legs before ye start tae feel attracted…

aw franklins claethes are g as f*ck. he’s a pretty big lad in the ol muscle department (chest n arms a mean) so he pulls aff a vest pretty well. but maist jeans ye can buy fur him are baggy as hell. aw his jaekits are pure gangster wans anaw. spent ages lookin for a nice pair of cords and an un-ironed topman t-shirt but nae shoaps sold them. 

and michael, well, he seems tae only get tae buy suits or claethes ye’d wear up the golf. well, i suppose ye can buy him jeans anaw but on him they immediately become, as ma da would call them, ‘denims’ – ma da is trapped in the 70’s btw.

the worst thing aboot the claethes though is that the bastards change intae different wans while yer no playin as them. ye’ll start a mission where a cut scene involves one of the characters yer no currently controlling and yer left aghast that they’ve taken aff what you spent ages puttin on them and are now wearin something sh*te. now for the rest of the mission ye have tae look at them wearin this pish gear (which you didnae purchase btw) and ye just keep thinkin ‘what a bloody waste of time n money’. 

Cars.

if ye cannae drive in real life don’t worry, ye’ll be fine at drivin in gta – cos nae c*nt can drive properly. infact, it’s hard tae drive properly. see, there are several things that affect yer drivin:

1) yer view. ye cannae always see what’s right in front of ye very well. sometimes ye come tankin over a hill and there’s a motor right in front of ye. smashin intae it is inevitable. ye can press ‘select’ (ps3) tae change view, one of them bein a view fae the windscreen. only advantage a can think of of usin this is if ye get aff tae seein boadies hit the glass and smear blood doon it cos in terms of drivin it’s f*ckin impossible tae judge how tae control the car. 

2) type of car. there are hunners of motors in gta v so they vary quite a bit in whit they can dae. obviously a big lorry is gonnae be pure slow tae build up speed and sh*te at goin roon corners. get yersel intae a wee darlin sports car though and ye’ll rip through the road like jimmy savile tearin intae his fan mail tae see if any wee burds had sent him their panties.

3) other drivers. aye, just like real life, the roads are full of c*nts. ye’ll be drivin along, dukin in and oot of lanes, just enjoyin a wee bit of britney spears oan the radio and oot of naewhere some clown will cut right across yer path like they’re a russian stevie wonder. granted, 9 times oot a 10 any motor ye crash intae at speed results in the drivers heid just landin on the horn which tae me suggest s they died oan impact. either these motors have sh*te seatbelts or nae c*nt learns tae wear it, despite the stats that must come oot in their newspapers sayin how many folk have died cos of me ploughin intae them full pelt.

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John Smith
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#2

Posted 27 November 2013 - 12:01 AM Edited by niko bellic half brother, 27 November 2013 - 12:03 AM.

Mate, ye do realise nobody ootside Scotland is gonnae understand yer post when ye type yer accents, aye?

 

But ah did enjoy yer post though.


yer_auld_da_
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#3

Posted 27 November 2013 - 12:04 AM

Aye, but you understood it so it's fine. Unless you thought it was sh*te, in which case, yer right. But it'll be funny to think of people trying to interpret it. *Can ye swear on these forums? I'm no a regular user, don't want to offend anyone.


Officer Ronson
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#4

Posted 27 November 2013 - 12:08 AM

This post just made my day.

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John Smith
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#5

Posted 27 November 2013 - 12:10 AM

Aye, but you understood it so it's fine. Unless you thought it was sh*te, in which case, yer right. But it'll be funny to think of people trying to interpret it. *Can ye swear on these forums? I'm no a regular user, don't want to offend anyone.

 

Aye ye can swear.

 

Sh*te

C*nt

F*ck

 

But as ye can see, it gets censored. But aye, ah understood yer comment just braw, and ah thought it wisnae bad tae.


JustOneMonth
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#6

Posted 27 November 2013 - 12:12 AM

Lmao.

Sorry, can barely read this, and english is not my native english but at least i write in a way people can understand me.

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JustOneMonth
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#7

Posted 27 November 2013 - 12:15 AM

and finally there was trevor; a mad rapey bisexual freak psychopath. the best thing aboot trevor was by far the massive beard ye could give him – something that just wisnae possible wae michael for some reason. tryin tae say a c*nt in his 40’s cannae grow a beard? he’s no f*ckin michael jackson. trevor’s beard was a belter though. pure thick and powerful. the kind of beard that could give wummin orgasms.

 

Gold.

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John Smith
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#8

Posted 27 November 2013 - 12:20 AM

Haha! 

 

Yer right OP - this is gonnae be funny as f*ck watching people ootside Scotland try tae translate this!  :lol:


yer_auld_da_
  • yer_auld_da_

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#9

Posted 27 November 2013 - 12:32 AM

yeah, i've no idea how it will go down but hopefully people who understand it (at least a wee bit) like it!


Car Lover
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#10

Posted 27 November 2013 - 12:36 AM

What a fake.  I love how he spells the things like he supposedly pronounces them.

 

Take the word 'about'.  You may say it 'aboot', but you would still spell it 'about'.

 

Go away.


JustOneMonth
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#11

Posted 27 November 2013 - 12:40 AM Edited by JustOneMonth, 27 November 2013 - 12:40 AM.

What a fake.  I love how he spells the things like he supposedly pronounces them.

 

Take the word 'about'.  You may say it 'aboot', but you would still spell it 'about'.

 

Go away.

 

And i don't give a f*ck, somethings he wrote are funny compared to most of the sh*t in this sub-forum.

The roads are full of c*nts!

Hah, im just waiting tto see more reactions.

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yer_auld_da_
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#12

Posted 27 November 2013 - 12:41 AM

I can tell I'm going to like you. The kind of person I just want to hug all the badness out of.





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