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Fear & Focus

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Mick.
  • Mick.

  • The Connection
  • Joined: 21 May 2012
  • None

#1

Posted 23 November 2013 - 05:17 AM

Keep no track of your bearings

Loose yourself in a world of hate

Cut off all connections to your inner self

And you'll find your self in a fearful state

 

The winters breeze slips by the oak trees

Swaying both left and right

The sound of a lawnmower and buzzing bees 

Fills the air and surrounds you and me

 

I fear the worst

I fear what is first

Yet the likeliness of it happening

No reason for birth

Birth of that state of mind

 

I try and control my fear

I use all what I got

In an attempt to make it focus

It just hurts a lot. 

  • skills likes this

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    Killed by drones.

  • The Yardies
  • Joined: 01 May 2009
  • None
  • Most Talented Writer 2015
    Most Talented Writer 2014
    Most Talented Writer 2013
    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#2

Posted 25 November 2013 - 11:06 AM

Yo coat! good work.

I do see a touch of what I tend to do - especially in the penultimate passage - and that seems to be being too concerned over rhyming, i couldn't get a sense of what you meant.
apart from that though, i liked the imagery you chose and thought it flowed well.

 

One other thing. The final line: I think it might have more impact if you got rid of "just"
Sounds like someone saying "Oh, it's just a scratch." Unless of course that's what you wanted.
"It hurts a lot" would tell me that there is great pain, whereas "it just hurts a lot" seems to almost trivialise it.

 

good work nonetheless





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