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How to Win at GTA online - Jolly Swagman's guide

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Rocktopper
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#211

Posted 03 April 2014 - 01:20 PM

459. Always remember to whine about heists not being included in any forthcoming updates.

 

460. When heists finally become available, whine about how they don't live up to your expectations.

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Tali vas Normandy
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#212

Posted 03 April 2014 - 01:59 PM

461.  always down vote custom created races.  best way to avoid playing that garbage later.

 

462. Have a sh*tbucket.

Because toilets are for the week

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Djmtt89000
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#213

Posted 06 April 2014 - 12:32 AM

463. Always honk your musical horn at the start of a race to show that the adder or Entity you're racing is is yours.

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LieutenantLoserz
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#214

Posted 06 April 2014 - 03:58 PM

464. Always dress slutty as a female character

 

465. Fun is illegal, be a vigilante and take down any thrill seekers

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mikkelhansen
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#215

Posted 08 April 2014 - 07:43 AM Edited by mikkelhansen, 08 April 2014 - 07:44 AM.

Don't remember if it's already been mentioned:

 

466: Always use your blip invisibilty advantage and interfere in any two other persons' One-on-One Deathmatch in Free Roam and kill them both - show those losers who's the real boss here!

 

 

EDIT: Typo.

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Kalemc
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#216

Posted 10 April 2014 - 06:59 AM

467. Everyone in a session using tanks should be greeted and respected and thoroughly raped
468.everyone In a tank must also be welcomed to a special lobby known as th ba.....uh GOOD SPORT lobby by ramming all your chradders into them
469. If Any other chrome car other than a chradder is being used for this then you're not welcoming them right into the ba(ahem) good sport lobby always make them pay uh win more money
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Jizzle2014
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#217

Posted 11 April 2014 - 11:02 PM


437. When someone puts a bounty on you for spawn killing make sure to send them a thank you via in game text and head to an invite only session.

 
438. if you get a bounty placed on you, make sure you go into passive mode... because DomisLive said so and its an easy way to get cash...

Impossibru!

RisingDizzy
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#218

Posted 12 April 2014 - 03:58 PM

this thread is full of win xD


Giantsgiants
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#219

Posted 14 April 2014 - 09:51 PM

470. People who hate racing supers need to be punished.


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#220

Posted 15 April 2014 - 10:45 PM

471.People in High Priority Vehicles are your friends and want to gift you the car right in front of Simeons delivery point.

Terminate them as they approach you so you give back a little in your friendship by allowing them to exit the car without any effort.

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canadianwingnut
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#221

Posted 16 April 2014 - 03:06 AM Edited by canadianwingnut, 16 April 2014 - 03:18 AM.

472. RR is way too easy, try making it take a little longer and a little more effort by dumping the documents in some obscure or remote area, or maybe inside the prison walls rather than delivering them. You'll need to die of course, using a parachute will make clean work of this. Remember, using explosives to end yourself will destroy the documents causing everyone alot of time and grief as the mission will end and have to be restarted. While you sit back and spectate, you'll be flooded with messages regarding how helpful you've been.

 

473. Also for playing RR, dont forget to kindly remind the much higher ranked player using his minigun to shoot up the garage that he'll destroy the documents. When everyone is dead and nothing's been blown up, is a good time to really lay into him over the mic about it. He's clearly a f*cking idiot and has no idea whats going on in the mission. To earn some extra money on this one, blow the minigun weilding maniac's Turismo up after the mission, you get $12500 or so!


Dat_SaintsFan
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#222

Posted 19 April 2014 - 06:14 AM Edited by Dat_SaintsFan, 20 April 2014 - 04:19 AM.

475.Do not put on a shirt in GTAO to show off your body to other players while riding your faggio.

 

476.When simeon ask for a car paint it chrome so simeon can admire the car and give you tons of cash

 

477.Always blow up your chrome cars to show off to people that you dont mind paying for them

 

478.Walk up to the police officer and bitch slap him.They now know you are OP and not give you any wanted stars.To make sure this method works you must kill everyone in the lobby while riding a chrome faggio after.

 

479.If you see another chrome adder or whatever that isnt yours steal it or blow it up to show that you are the boss of chrome cars

 

480.Chase after players which are higher than you and if they are over level 20. Make sure to report them for exploiting

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Curlypyebs
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#223

Posted 19 April 2014 - 10:41 AM

So happy i found this guide i've used about 300 of these tips and it's really helped improve not only my enjoyment of the game, but anyone lucky enough to be in the same lobby as me.

It should be on Gamefaqs

 

I think a couple of posts might be trolls trying to spoil the fun though, why would you want to blow my ChrAdder up?


TheGoodSgtScooter
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#224

Posted 25 April 2014 - 03:11 PM

481: Paint all your cars the same color.

482: Dress like a "gangster straight from compton" and blast music.

482: Always race super, sports and motorcycles. anything else sucks.


483: Get all the biggest tattoos available. They totally don't look like you scribbled sharpy on yourself.


Amistrulez
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#225

Posted 25 April 2014 - 04:04 PM

481: Paint all your cars the same color.

482: Dress like a "gangster straight from compton" and blast music.

482: Always race super, sports and motorcycles. anything else sucks.


483: Get all the biggest tattoos available. They totally don't look like you scribbled sharpy on yourself.

Whats wrong with Str8 outta compton style? Its not even mainstream. 


TheGoodSgtScooter
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#226

Posted 25 April 2014 - 06:06 PM

484: Kill everyone who isn't your friend.


iStealthDeath
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#227

Posted 03 May 2014 - 11:29 AM

485. Always pick a fight with players under level 10, you need to show them you are an unbeatable force.

TheGoodSgtScooter
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#228

Posted 03 May 2014 - 11:28 PM

486: Always argue with people and make sure you're using your mic all the time, even if no one else in the lobby has one.


The-Wet-Desert
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#229

Posted 04 May 2014 - 06:28 PM

487. Any player wearing any type of glasses is clearly up to something shady (puny), and need to be killed in the interest of safety. A fully upgraded chradder should do the trick.

Sandra-js85
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#230

Posted 07 May 2014 - 03:54 AM Edited by Sandra-js85, 07 May 2014 - 03:55 AM.

488. If you see someone start a gang attack, get there as soon as you can, aim at them and follow them around, it really puts them off. They cant shoot you and you cant shoot them (yet). The stupid player doing the gang attack will think you are in passive mode and forget about you. When its over nail them with a bullet to the head, blow up their car and shoot them as many times as you can, take a friend and a car with you for better effect.


iStealthDeath
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#231

Posted 08 May 2014 - 12:40 AM

489: When attempting combat with other players always use a tank to beat your enemy, continue to kill them until they find a new session. You must prove your superiority to the other players in the session.

490: Repetitively boast about your high KDR to the people in your session and denounce + kill anyone who questions your superiority in combat. Prove to them you are a force not to be reckoned with by using step 489.

xInfamousRYANx
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#232

Posted 08 May 2014 - 02:20 AM

488. If you see someone start a gang attack, get there as soon as you can, aim at them and follow them around, it really puts them off. They cant shoot you and you cant shoot them (yet). The stupid player doing the gang attack will think you are in passive mode and forget about you. When its over nail them with a bullet to the head, blow up their car and shoot them as many times as you can, take a friend and a car with you for better effect.

I actually used this step last night

Egonga
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#233

Posted 08 May 2014 - 09:55 PM

491. If you encounter a female character, immediately send her a friend request and begin using the "Air Thrust" gesture while standing behind her. Most likely she is a real girl who will want to marry you, providing you with fertile eggs for your mighty seed.

 

492. If a female character is killing you in a Deathmatch, be sure to call her a bitch as loudly as possible so that she can alter her incorrect behaviour. Once she is reasonably tamed, see Step 491.

 

493. If somebody on the GTA Forums dislikes something that you like (tanks, Adders etc) you must verbally attack this person with savage ferocity. There is a chance that this person might contact Rockstar with their complaint and they will immediately, and without question, remove it; you MUST destroy this person's confidence NOW to prevent them from doing so.

 

494. If you see a Crew Member or a Friend and you have no microphone, the best thing you can do is climb into their personal vehicle and wait. It is that person's responsibility to come up with fun activities for the two of you to share.

 

495. You must dislike the Faggio, because apparently that's a thing now?

 

I like the Faggio.

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Bill_Assassin
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#234

Posted 12 May 2014 - 05:08 AM

This is THE thread of these forums. Always LOL whenever I go through.

 

496. Always persist in your attempt of stealing jets from the military base even though you keep dying and you're going to crash and burn as soon as you see a building anyways.


mareepx
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#235

Posted 17 May 2014 - 12:41 PM

497. Kill anyone who isn't driving one of the new High Life update vehicles. They are clearly very poor and wish to be put out of their misery.


Amistrulez
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#236

Posted 17 May 2014 - 12:58 PM

498. Kill anyone who has Red blip on the map because it means they will kill you immediately when they see you.


Giantsgiants
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#237

Posted 19 May 2014 - 01:08 AM

499. Got some supposedly good racers in that race lobby you're hosting? Why not see how they good they really are by setting the class to utility and having them race against your Sadler?


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#238

Posted 20 May 2014 - 05:25 PM

500! Anyone who is red is a threat. They should be killed on sight. They obviously have only killed players to grief. Its not even possible that they went.pn a cop rampage and are harmless

Amistrulez
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#239

Posted 20 May 2014 - 06:07 PM

^Isnt that same as 498?


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#240

Posted 20 May 2014 - 08:27 PM

^Isnt that same as 498?

 

501. Never question the glory of JollySwagman or his guide on how to win at GTA. To do so will invoke the wrath of our lord and savior, Brian B.

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