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How to Win at GTA online - Jolly Swagman's guide

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Giantsgiants
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#121

Posted 18 January 2014 - 07:57 AM Edited by Giantsgiants, 18 January 2014 - 08:02 AM.

271. When hosting a race, turn catch up off. You don't want your souped up Adder being beaten by a stock Bullet because of some dumb game mechanic, do you?

 

272. If it's raining and you're driving a convertible, lower your top. You will be respected for braving the elements.

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Malibu454
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#122

Posted 18 January 2014 - 01:14 PM

273- Be sure to put your favorite car in slot one.
It's safe there.
Dont worry MMIs just busy they'll get your car from slot one that's been destroyed back.
There are honestly just talking to another player who is way more important than you.
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D9fred95
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#123

Posted 19 January 2014 - 03:11 AM

274. Always play music loudly into your mic. The louder the better, as it allows other players' family in other rooms to listen in on the music.  Justin Beiber and Lady Gaga are perfect choices.

 

275. When playing with another player, be sure to rob the same stores multiple times. This will keep things interesting with the endless 5 star wanted levels.

 

276. When chatting with other players, never use a party or chatroom. Other people in the lobby want to know what you did last weekend.


Flūttershy
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#124

Posted 20 January 2014 - 04:17 AM Edited by rawrsnar, 20 January 2014 - 04:18 AM.

277: When you are the last person alive in a mission and the other players are on the mic trying to tell you what to do to complete it, never listen to them. They are obviously trolling.

278: Criminal Records will forever be the fastest way to gain RP. More RP is gained if you win in a chrome Adder.

279: If you steal someone's vehicle during a mission and they lock you out of it, always blow it up. No exceptions.
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Jolly Swagman
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#125

Posted 21 January 2014 - 06:06 AM

280. Buy cash cards
281. Buy cash cards
282. Buy cash cards
283. Buy cash cards
284. Buy cash cards
285. Buy cash cards
286. Buy cash cards
287. Buy cash cards
288. Buy cash cards
289. Buy cash cards
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Sugar Free Nos
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#126

Posted 21 January 2014 - 05:48 PM

290. Be sure to fool yourself into believing that the Karin Sultan is the rarest and the best vehicle in the game, even better than the Entity.

 

291. Whenever you see anyone that is a higher level than 100, be sure to call them obscenities over voice chat while simultaneously using the in game reporting function to report him to Rockstar. Trust me, it the right thing to do. Just try not to think about the fact that you have every Pegasus vehicle via "hacked" GTA money.  

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WBaker
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#127

Posted 21 January 2014 - 06:34 PM

280. Buy cash cards
281. Buy cash cards
282. Buy cash cards
283. Buy cash cards
284. Buy cash cards
285. Buy cash cards
286. Buy cash cards
287. Buy cash cards
288. Buy cash cards
289. Buy cash cards


So... should I buy cash cards?

PerceusSOZ
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#128

Posted 21 January 2014 - 06:40 PM

280. Buy cash cards
281. Buy cash cards
282. Buy cash cards
283. Buy cash cards
284. Buy cash cards
285. Buy cash cards
286. Buy cash cards
287. Buy cash cards
288. Buy cash cards
289. Buy cash cards


So... should I buy cash cards?
no you should buy cash cards. Big difference between the two.
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meatrocket8
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#129

Posted 21 January 2014 - 06:41 PM

what are these cash cards i keep hearing about?


xInfamousRYANx
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#130

Posted 21 January 2014 - 06:46 PM

292. Host Prison Thugz Fight with the option Owned+Pickups. There is no cover so its best to get spawn raped.

293. Catch up is the best option especially when using custom vehicles. If someone is winning without a custom vehicle they will be slowed down further


x_-_Robski_-_x
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#131

Posted 21 January 2014 - 07:02 PM

294. If in doubt.. shoot.


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#132

Posted 21 January 2014 - 07:32 PM Edited by jcph3, 21 January 2014 - 07:33 PM.

 

 

  1. If someone pulls up in car next to you and honks their horn, this means that the person is attempting to tell you they have a terminal disease and wish to be euthanized. You should calmly walk up to their car before putting a bullet between their eyes. You get bonus points for driving off in their car afterwards because no-one likes waste and since the original owner wont be needing it any more, you might as well take it.
  2. Everybody playing the games besides you is either a massive fa**ot, a motherf*cker or c*nt. You have also had sex with the vast majority of other player’s mothers. Remember this advantage and use the information to pyshc out other players by frequently reminding them over the head set. This tactic also works with loudly played music and heavy breathing.
  3. Anyone entering a LSC is obviously doing so to make a bit of time to plan a trap. Get the jump on these sneaky players by ensuring you wait for them in car park outside and shoot them in the face the second they exit. The same goes with players inside apartments.
  4. When doing a co-operative mission always make sure to race as quickly as possible to the objective. If you should happen to die multiple times and the mission fails remember this is your team mates fault for taking so long to get to the object. Make sure you let them know this over the microphone.
  5. When doing a co-operate mission you should always ensure you are the one to be completing objectives. If there is a helicopter or plane only you are capable of being the pilot. If for some reason someone else manages to get control of one of the objectives you should immediately do everything in your power to get in under your control. Attempt to smash the required helicopter or plane out of the sky. While you cannot shoot team members during missions remember you can run them over. This can help should another team member pick up a package and prevent you from delivering. It is better to fail a mission than to let someone else get all the glory.
  6. Upon returning to free roam on completion of a mission you should kill shoot anyone you just completed the mission with immediately. This is a great way to earn extra cash and RP and is another way to show off how good a player you are.
  7. When hosting a job always sets it’s joining status to open even when you only wish to play with friends. Setting jobs to open makes them run a lot more smoothly and gives you better rewards for completion. As host you have the kick button and can just simply kick anyone who joins who is not your friend.  
  8. Crews are a great way of tracking down other players to kill. Make sure you join a crew and that way you can always select join crew members from the game menu to easily track down victims. The game helpfully highlights these potential victims with a coloured circle in your in game map.
  9. When modifying vehicles ensure that you only purchase the most expensive spoiler, horn, skirts and other body modifications. This is a great way to make your car unique and individual. Custom tyres on every car also make them go faster.
  10. If you see another player doing what you feel is wrong, you should punish them by spawn killing. You have awesome skills so will be able to do this until they rage quit and leave the server. An ideal session will have you doing this to all other players until you are alone. You can then spend the rest of the session repeatedly killing yourself as punishment for spawn killing.
  11. When racing always select either criminal records or down the drain. These are the two most fun and challenging tracks which is why they are always picked. You should only ever race super cars and leave immediately if the host changes class.  You should then also send them a message calling them a “fag””.
  12. A chrome adder is the best car in every circumstance. If there are more than  two people playing you’re better off killing anyone who won’t fit in the adder rather than taking a four door such is the power of chrome.  

If any one has any more tips, please add them below. Appreciate any help you can give.

 

 

 

THANKS!!! ALL THE TIPS ARE GREAT MATE!!!

 

I'LL FIND SOME COOL STUFF TO LEAK!!!!!!

 

295. Whenever you reply to a post in the forum , be sure to include all the previous quotes as well! This will always make your post bigger than everybody's and the most important. :lol:

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MeGusta90
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#133

Posted 21 January 2014 - 08:45 PM

The sad thing about this is that people actually do all this stuff.


kilopm
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#134

Posted 22 January 2014 - 12:26 AM Edited by kilopm, 22 January 2014 - 02:33 AM.

296. The only races you're allowed to play are  Jumps Jumps Jumps, and LS Forum. Everything else is now off-limits.

 

297. All deathmatches must have:

 

  • 20 tanks
  • 20 jets
  • 20 buzzards
  • 1,000 RPGs/Miniguns/Grenade Launchers
  • 1 faggio

298. The exception to rule 297 is if the deathmatch has everyone punching eachother to death. Or better yet, everyone but the owner punching eachother to death, while he retrieves his secret tank hidden in an obscure place to completely destroy everyone else.

 

299. #297 and #298 is why the Rockstar verified maps are rockstar verified, because everybody loves blowing everything up or punching everybody to death. Statistically speaking, any other deathmatch is stupid.

 

300. When on the forums, be sure to post everything in weird colors that are hard to see, use italics, bold, and underline a lot, experiment with crazy font sizes, use different fonts, and add a bunch of emoticons  :santa:  :lol:  :cookie: :miranda:  :karmaeater:  :pirate: :sui: :alien:  :O  :yingyang:  :zZz:  :dozing:  :sneaky: :sarcasm:   in order to show everyone how unique and creative you are.

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Jolly Swagman
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#135

Posted 22 January 2014 - 08:54 AM

280. Buy cash cards
281. Buy cash cards
282. Buy cash cards
283. Buy cash cards
284. Buy cash cards
285. Buy cash cards
286. Buy cash cards
287. Buy cash cards
288. Buy cash cards
289. Buy cash cards

So... should I buy cash cards?

I personally wouldn't.

I care about the environment and I don't want to win so hard that another hole will be blown out of the atmosphere as it can't contain my pure awesomeness. That's what happens when you buy cash cards.

Jolly Swagman
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#136

Posted 22 January 2014 - 09:00 AM Edited by Jolly SWAGman, 22 January 2014 - 12:00 PM.

We have over 300 handy hints in this budding bible to the game now. Some people say we have a poor community on these forums. The sheer number of posters willing to share their secrets and help out others in this thread should make those doubters choke on their words. Thanks everyone.

Loving all the tips. I must say that the last tip by kilopm was a bit of a let down though. It started off sounding as if it was going to be a helpful tip on posting on forums but then just degenerated into an unreadable and illegible mess of colours and fonts. Lift your game kilopm! I was really looking forward to reading the rest of your sentence. You're not being special and unique at all by posting in that ridiculous font, you're just being obnoxious.

Thanks again for all the tips.
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RebelWithoutAPause
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#137

Posted 22 January 2014 - 09:37 AM

301 - A sure way to rain death on your opponents as they drive up to you is to surprise them by switching from your weapon to your bare hands and sticking your middle index up at them. The sheer rudeness of your gesture should be enough to render them lifeless.

 

 

 

(seriously though, the amount of times I've had this happen to me it's an embarassment...)

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greedy
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#138

Posted 22 January 2014 - 01:49 PM Edited by greedy, 22 January 2014 - 01:50 PM.

302 - If you are in a free for all deathmatch, proceed to call Lester to show your enemies on the map. Why should they bother increasing their stealth stats?

(doing that repeatedly and still not winning must be a pain)


AXP Bonecrusher
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#139

Posted 23 January 2014 - 05:30 AM

303-Call Lester and put all your money in a bounty on a player and then kill the player yourself to earn all that glorious money.

 

304-Do 303 but instead wait for the player to get killed and then call Lamar to rob that fool who tried to steal your hard earned money.

 

304-Keep your mike turned on and tell everyone about your life because after all, YOU are the wisest.

 

305-Fill your garage with chrome Adders because you cant have enough.

 

306-After buying all those Chrome Adders buy the airport bus and show those kids whose boss.

 

307-wait next to where players drop Simeon's cars and right before they enter kill them and take the vehicle.

 

308-Turn the wanted level on on GTA Races because we want the cops to join.


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#140

Posted 23 January 2014 - 04:15 PM

When playing any sport, if you are losing, don't bother to keep playing, just quit while hurling abuse at the guy who is beating you. They are obviously a hacker as no one can be better than you.
310 - when posting in this topic, don't forget to include the number of the rule.

mo-seph
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#141

Posted 23 January 2014 - 04:30 PM

311. if your ever in trouble use airstrikes... its clearly the most accurate and effective method to kill anyone..

 

312. when you get a 1k bounty on you hide in your apartment... its a much more productive way to use 48 mins to make 1000$ than robbing a store, hitting an armored car or doing a job for 10 mins. Plus you can sing in your shower to get RP... its AWESOME

 

313.

 

314. HPVs are NOT to be taken to Simeon... you must a) load with stickies b) leave near LSC or the docks c) wait...

 

315. tanks... tanks tank tanks.. and jets, tanks... buzzards and jets... cashcards... tanks... jets and buzzards... tanks tanks.... oh and did i mention tanks...

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xInfamousRYANx
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#142

Posted 23 January 2014 - 04:50 PM

316. Proceed to blow up anyone not in a tank regardless of if they are hostile.

317. You have not succeed in 316 if there are still people in the lobby.

318. When making custom tracks make them as long as possible with many obstacles and high ramps. Make sure to turn all vehicles off except motorcycles so you have to use them. Nobody will finish the race.


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#143

Posted 23 January 2014 - 05:59 PM

319. Build a race allowing all classes of vehicle, but add jumps that can only be completed in an Adder or Entity going top speed.

 

320. Suiciding yourself to kill another player is the single most impressive way you can get a kill in GTAO.  Extra RP if you use a Lazer and kamikaze a bounty.

 

321. Upping your k/d through spawn camping is the best use of your time.  Everybody in the world will respect your high k/d ratio.  Women will want you.  Men will want to be you.

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Faintest
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#144

Posted 23 January 2014 - 08:10 PM

322. Camping outside the house across from the 400k apartment can allow you to kill at least 50 players and 200 cops. (Tested)


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#145

Posted 23 January 2014 - 11:22 PM

323. You must go on a tank griefing rampage at least once during your GTA Online career.


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#146

Posted 24 January 2014 - 02:06 AM

Probably already stated, but as a noob what impresses me the most is when pros use an entity and repeatedly spawn kill me by backing up and shooting me.... the small rear window prevents me from shooting them.

 

...And simply chucking C4 at them? A $9,000 insurance deductible!! Maybe if I follow rules 280-289 I to can be a pro :lol:

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xInfamousRYANx
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#147

Posted 24 January 2014 - 04:12 AM

Probably already stated, but as a noob what impresses me the most is when pros use an entity and repeatedly spawn kill me by backing up and shooting me.... the small rear window prevents me from shooting them.

 

...And simply chucking C4 at them? A $9,000 insurance deductible!! Maybe if I follow rules 280-289 I to can be a pro :lol:

True even you can be pro.

 

324. Have 10 cars but only use your Chradder or Chrentity XtraFun

325. Sit on rooftops and constantly snipe anyone regardless of if they are even looking for you.

326. Invite everyone to your apartment and invite a stripper over. Everyone needs to see how big of a playa you are.

327. You can only do 326 if you have Eclipse Towers.

328. Call everyone a 1337 [email protected] if they play better than you do.

329. Make a race going up Mount Chilliad and set it to Utilities only. People like waiting for an impossible race.

330. Always "Like" Jumps Jumps Jumps even though it is one of the most poorly made maps.

331. Never join others user created tracks. They probably suck azz so what's the pont?

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GraniteDevil
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#148

Posted 28 January 2014 - 01:35 PM

332.  The very second you spawn into a session, race for Zancudo and, no matter how many times you die, get a Lazer and dominate the city airspace.  Because you are special and amazing and you deserve the attention.


xInfamousRYANx
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#149

Posted 28 January 2014 - 05:22 PM Edited by xInfamousRYANx, 30 January 2014 - 07:29 PM.

333. Never vote after events. The waiting screen gives people time to reflect on the last job.

334. Make sure to change the default class on races. If it is super then it is fine but any other race must have its class changed to super.

335. Be sure to find a rare car. It's gotta be rare because you said so


kilopm
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#150

Posted 30 January 2014 - 12:35 AM Edited by kilopm, 30 January 2014 - 12:36 AM.

336. Show your friends and/or crew members how much of a good flyer you are by piloting a luxor as low to the ground as you can, upside down, while doing barrel rolls!

 

337. If #336 somehow doesn't work, then just land a Titan on top of the Maze-Bank building with them inside of it. That'll impress them for sure!

 

338. Rockstar added a secret update that will transform any personal vehicle into a submarine upon impact with an ocean of any sort. Not many people know this though, so be sure to show anyone you can about this secret.

 

339. Speaking of #338, there's a secret cave underneath Fort Zancudo where if you drive a car into, you'll find a room full of jetpacks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

340. Sing Miley Cyrus's Wrecking Ball as loudly as you can into your microphone, regardless of whether or not you know the actual words to it. Be sure to completely scream your head off at the beginning of the main course. EX: I CAME IN LIKE A WRECK-ING BALL!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!21!!111w2q2

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