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How to Win at GTA online - Jolly Swagman's guide

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meatrocket8
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#61

Posted 20 December 2013 - 02:18 PM

119.  Be sure to spend every second of your time away from GTA:O cruising youtube and the forums for any glitches or people who say they will give you free money.

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xInfamousRYANx
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#62

Posted 20 December 2013 - 06:36 PM

120. Be sure to add the clown horn to every car

121. In keeping with #120 at the start of every race spam your horn. The amount of times you honk=your coolness level

122. If you see an innocent player following you immediately sticky bomb their car. They will appreciate your kindness by making their car look better with all the bling

123. To help people get their cars out of the impound, get a Cargobob and airlift the car out. Drop it in the ocean for safekeeping.

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L33TxFuSIoN
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#63

Posted 21 December 2013 - 10:32 AM

118. If your friend is about to get out of the cheater lobby be sure to remind him why he was in there by awarding him 10 million he will thank you for letting him stay there

That happened to me.. Was not happy!
Also
124. Anyone driving toward you while sounding their horn IS taunting you and are going to run you over. A quick shotgun round to the eyes should neutralize this threat.

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kilopm
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#64

Posted 22 December 2013 - 01:34 AM

125. Share the holiday spirit by playing christmas music non-stop through your mic until the beginning of March. I mean, just because the Holidays end doesn't mean the Christmas spirit has to!

 

126. If your friends are ever low on grenades, but they're far away, then be helpful and toss them one. They will thank you later for your generosity!

 

127. If you somehow get killed while inside your tank, then order a new one, spawnkill them relentlessly, and get help from Lester, Merrywheather, and Lamar to ruin your attacker's gameplay experience. If any friends and/or crew members are in the game, then get them to join in on making your attacker pay for the terrible crimes that they have committed! Yay, teamwork!

 

128. There's a glitch where if you:

 

1. Hold the power button.

2. Turn the game back on

3. Log back into GTAO

 

you get $$9999999999999999999!!!!1!1!! If this doesnt work for you, then just repeat steps 1-3 until it works!

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Dbns_Finest
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#65

Posted 22 December 2013 - 01:58 AM

129: If you see someone who is standing still this means they are planning something sinster and are highly dangerous, stab them in the neck with a broken bottle or a knife.
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Dbns_Finest
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#66

Posted 22 December 2013 - 02:03 AM

130: attack anyone under lvl 20, they are highly dangerous with their pistols.
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LukeMeister83
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#67

Posted 23 December 2013 - 01:57 AM

131: Don't forget to help lower level players by taking Simone' s requested car to the LSC and fitting an ignition bomb, then offering the car for easy money.

 

132: If you see someone in a car, but AFK they will appreciate being cargobob'd to the top of any sky scraper as a surprise when they return to game.

 

133: No access to cargobob? Just shoot them over and over again.

 

134: Any one in a shop would secretly like to stay there forever. Why not park a car against the door before you move on? 

 

135: If you start a mission and an other player doesn't have a car, ensure you lock your doors and honk your horn for a minute or two. To make this experience even more special, tyre spin then run them over before setting off.

 

136: If your the guy without a car, jump in anyone else's before they have chance, making sure you crash into every car, lamp post and building before you reach the destination. For extra admiration ensure the car is smoking before handing the keys back.

 

137: Make your unique chrome Adder extra swag by adding the doller sign wheels. People will stop to admit your artistic taste every time you roll around the corner.

 

138: Someone offer you a lift? Rack up at least a four star wanted level before getting in.

 

139: Have you spotted someone enjoying the scenery whilst minding their own business and exploring in a Surfer? Spice up their life with some Merryweather mercs, followed by  a bounty.....

 

140: .... or pick them up in a cargobob and drop them off a mile out to sea and watch them swim back to shore.

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digyerownhole
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#68

Posted 23 December 2013 - 01:37 PM

141. In any mission where you have to deliver a tanker, ensure you are the driver and try and take as many shortcuts to the drop off point as possible. Driving a tanker on a flat surface just screams to your team mates that you are a noob. The only way to drive a tanker is across hills and rocky desert. Bonus RP is awarded every time you manage to uncouple the tanker from the rig. If you want to go 'full-pro' make sure you over turn the tanker at least once so that your team mates can spend 10 minutes trying to right it for you.

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meatrocket8
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#69

Posted 24 December 2013 - 04:40 PM

142.  Its extremely important to remember that anything you read on these forums about GTA is 100% completely accurate and true.  It has been checked & re-checked for accuracy before it is allowed to be posted.

 

143.  If you have a mic, call out for anyone that wants free money or modded cars to sell to head over to LSC.  Proceed to sticky bomb or ignition bomb anyone who shows up.  Apologize after it happens...say you did it by accident...and this may allow you multiple opportunities on the same victims.  The moment someone is able to kill you, go get your tank & grief anyone who is left standing at LSC.

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TheCloudProject
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#70

Posted 24 December 2013 - 05:57 PM

144. Anybody driving any vehicle with anything other than a musical horn is clearly a traitor and is planning an attack.

Kindly throw a sticky onto their car and watch it burn up to show them the error of their ways.

 

145. Anybody completing deathmatches are undoubtedly greedy a*sholes, ask to be their friend then stalk them constantly. Send them a rude message then inform them over your mic they are greedy beggers, then make random noises such as "Oooo" and "Blublublublu".

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meatrocket8
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#71

Posted 24 December 2013 - 06:59 PM

146.  It is required to blow up as many PVs as you can on Xmas Day and scream 'Ho Ho Ho' into the mic to taunt your victims.

 

147.  When you do missions with other players, make sure you sticky bomb the cars they are riding in or at the very least shoot out the tires.

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WBaker
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#72

Posted 24 December 2013 - 11:27 PM

148: Female characters are always really girl gamers. If you follow them about constantly you will get lucky. Go get them, stud.
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Giantsgiants
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#73

Posted 27 December 2013 - 11:53 AM Edited by Giantsgiants, 27 December 2013 - 11:59 AM.

149. If you're hosting a race with a bunch of high levels with decent race records, switch the class from Super to SUVs at the last second. They're not looking so tough without their Adders, aren't they?

 

150. K/D ratio is everything. People will ridicule you if it drops too low. So utilize your griefing, spawn killing, and tank skills to get it up.

 

151. Paint your muscle cars pink to show off your excellent taste in car customization.

 

152. Add an anime emblem to all of your cars, especially if you have a Buccaneer, Phoenix, Picador, Ruiner, Sabre Turbo, or Vigero. Best used in conjunction to tip 151.

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Ibareny
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#74

Posted 27 December 2013 - 03:14 PM Edited by Ibareny, 29 December 2013 - 09:09 AM.

13. The Asea should be a glaringly bright green and covered in stickers, so as to show off your superior swaggotry.

14. Every car you have needs to have a backup remote bomb installed on the offchance that people get inside of it.

15. Every car also needs an extremely high spoiler, so as to show off your driving ability. Spoiler size is directly related to epeen size.

Damn Ipod

 

you're a retard.  You don't even know what "Extremely high spoiler" are for. The spoiler is like a tail. It's suppose to make the car stand out more than normal. There are also some spoiler that help with speed and wind. THOSE ARE THE EXTREMELY HIGH SPOILER.

 

f*cktard.

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SKient
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#75

Posted 27 December 2013 - 04:00 PM Edited by SKient, 27 December 2013 - 04:01 PM.

153.Dress up as Santa and make sure every player in the session gets a free sticky present and spread the love of Christmas.

 

154.Make sure every rank 300+ gets presents in form of muggers,mercenaries and bounties.They'll appreciate this because its a sign of respect.

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gear999
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#76

Posted 27 December 2013 - 04:52 PM Edited by gear999, 29 December 2013 - 01:37 PM.

Skipped page 2 so some rules that I'm gonna list might have been pointed out before.
155. No matter what, ALWAYS listen to Radio Los Santos. It makes you more "gangster thug"
156. Never but EVER work hard for your money and RP. Ask hackers to do those for you.
157. If someone is getting owned in a deathmatch, that means their thoughts or opinions doesn't matter. You are always superior.
158. On all of your cars, don't forget to put the carbon high end rims! It makes your car 250% faster.
159. If someone lives in anywhere else but Eclipse Towers, they do not deserve to live. That means they have worked hard and legitamately for that money, and that is UNACCEPTABLE.
160. Always wear a mask and glasses and/or hat together. It makes you cooler.
(P.S. Loving the thread by the way :))
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SKient
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#77

Posted 27 December 2013 - 05:16 PM Edited by SKient, 27 December 2013 - 05:16 PM.

161.Remember that you won't go bald just have a arrow type of cornrow,remember to show it to other players so they could admire it and follow the same hairstyle.

162.Safety first!Always wear helmets while your riding a racing bicycle.It makes you a cautious player.

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Bodog999
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#78

Posted 27 December 2013 - 05:32 PM Edited by Bodog999, 27 December 2013 - 05:33 PM.

163. If somebody gets a bounty before your eyes make sure you kill them and mug them to let them see that you are the owner of the bounty. And destroy their PV to let them see that you rule.

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Jolly Swagman
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#79

Posted 28 December 2013 - 09:46 AM

125. Share the holiday spirit by playing christmas music non-stop through your mic until the beginning of March. I mean, just because the Holidays end doesn't mean the Christmas spirit has to!
 
126. If your friends are ever low on grenades, but they're far away, then be helpful and toss them one. They will thank you later for your generosity!
 
127. If you somehow get killed while inside your tank, then order a new one, spawnkill them relentlessly, and get help from Lester, Merrywheather, and Lamar to ruin your attacker's gameplay experience. If any friends and/or crew members are in the game, then get them to join in on making your attacker pay for the terrible crimes that they have committed! Yay, teamwork!
 
128. There's a glitch where if you:
 
1. Hold the power button.
2. Turn the game back on
3. Log back into GTAO
 
you get $$9999999999999999999!!!!1!1!! If this doesnt work for you, then just repeat steps 1-3 until it works!


Loving these tips. Great contribution to the community.

Jolly Swagman
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#80

Posted 28 December 2013 - 09:52 AM

Thanks for the tips everyone. Out of likes for today and they are all so good I don't think I can keep reading without giving approval for such great ideas. I know one thing for sure:- if I was waltzing my Matilda down a dark alleyway in los santos, all lost and alone I'd be wanting people that as are knowledgable and help full as you all to meet me.
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illRAGElli
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#81

Posted 28 December 2013 - 10:09 AM

164.  When hosting a race make sure to set it 1 Lap and Super and Catchup On.

         Keep the Lobby/Gameplay Ratio in Mind which should ALWAYS be 

         at least 4:1 (4 Minutes of looking at Lobbyscreens - 1 Minute of Gameplay)

         If you're not the Host fix the Ratio whenever you can. 

         (Votingscreen, Carselectscreen ect...) 

 

         Pro-Hosts score Ratios around 10:1.. Keep doing this and you will unlock

         a hidden Community-Trophy which unlocks the Chrome Eclipse-Tower

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kilopm
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#82

Posted 28 December 2013 - 08:41 PM

165. If you ever get bad sport for blowing up too many cars, then continue to do so until Rockstar lets you out of the BS server.

 

166. The ONLY LSC anyone is EVER allowed to go to is the one by Vinewoods/Rockford Hills.

 

167.Only the swaggiest of people ride on Faggios everywhere they go, whether it be Free Roam, Missions, or Races.

 

168. Besides Chrome Objects, EVERYTHING must be Pink, Your cars, your guns, and your outfits! This works very well when combined with rule 167

 

169.If you have been spawn-killed a bunch of times, been pitted a lot in races, or just hate the game in general, then complain to the GTA forums that are obviously run by Rockstar Games. Once you are done writing your complaint (while including as many curse words/racial slurs that you can think of), then your post stating the problems with the game will be read by Rockstar and will be fixed immediately!

 

170. If you do not own the 400K apartment with at least 9 Chrome Adders and a Pink Faggio, then you are a stupid poor idiot that doesn't deserve to play the game because you suck.                                                                       

 

171. If you have a bounty put on you, then immediately run to your 400k apartment and give any idiots waiting outside to kill you the Mercenary/Mugger/Bounty treatment while you spectate.

 

172. However, if anyone else in the game has a bounty on them and they are hiding in their apartment, then they are stupid h*mo-f*gs and deserve to die! In order to kill them, wait outside of their garage so that as soon as they come out, they'll be killed by you! While you wait, send them hate mail describing how stupid they are. if anyone else in the server is trying to camp out of the apartment to kill the bounty too, then proceed to spawn-kill them until they leave.

 

173. Videogames are played by men, and men ONLY. Any females in the game that you come across are not welcome. Make sure you let them know this by sending them sexist remarks while also calling them gay, and synonyms to the word gay.

 

174. If you see anyone in the game idle in their car, then either sticky bomb it, or pick it up with a cargo-bob and drop them on top of the Maze-Bank building/Mt. Chiliad/ middle of the ocean/ Fort Zancudo/ really high height.

 

175. Anyone who doesn't live by ANY of the rules in this topic doesn't deserve to live at all! All players disobeying must be spawn killed by means of Lethal force (AKA Tanks, Buzzards, snipers, M/M/B/'s)

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Bodog999
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#83

Posted 28 December 2013 - 09:39 PM

176. If you see someone driving a vehicle simeon wants pick it up and drop it in the military base they will love the challenge cuz only driving is boring.
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Malibu454
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#84

Posted 28 December 2013 - 09:47 PM Edited by Malibu454, 28 December 2013 - 09:49 PM.

148: Female characters are always really girl gamers. If you follow them about constantly you will get lucky. Go get them, stud.

That's f*cking funny!
Some dude from jersey wanted me to text him and gave me his ph# I told him
my phone is on the screen jackass.
It gets real weird sometimes w/ a girl character
I've been seeing less and less chick characters online.
I'm not a chick btw..
I should've wrote his number and posted it here.. 😜😜
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Accendo
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#85

Posted 28 December 2013 - 11:16 PM

This thread is beautiful. I love you f*ckers sometimes. *tear

NonEx
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#86

Posted 29 December 2013 - 01:39 AM

Regardless of the actual post, am I the only one who f*ckin loves this guys name? Jolly Swagman... Epic. :D


Jolly Swagman
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#87

Posted 29 December 2013 - 07:57 AM Edited by Jolly SWAGman, 29 December 2013 - 07:58 AM.

Skipped page 2 so some rules that I'm gonna list might have been pointed out before.
155. No matter what, ALWAYS listen to Radio Los Santos. It makes you more "gangster thug"
156. Never but EVER work hard for your money and RP. Ask hackers to do those for you.
157. If someone is getting owned in a deathmatch, that means their thughts or opinions doesn't matter. You are always superior.
158. On all of your cars, don't forget to put the carbon high end rims! It makes your car 250% faster.
159. If someone lives in anywhere else but Eclipse Towers, they do not deserve to live. That means they have worked hard and legitamately for that money, and that is UNACCEPTABLE.
160. Always wear a mask and glasses and/or hat together. It makes you cooler.
(P.S. Loving the thread by the way :))

None of these are repeats and they're all great.

Regardless of the actual post, am I the only one who f*ckin loves this guys name? Jolly Swagman... Epic. :D

Thanks mate. I pride myself on my swag. Check out this bling motherf*cker:

 
swag.jpg

It's a double sleeper.

165. If you ever get bad sport for blowing up too many cars, then continue to do so until Rockstar lets you out of the BS server.
 
166. The ONLY LSC anyone is EVER allowed to go to is the one by Vinewoods/Rockford Hills.
 
167.Only the swaggiest of people ride on Faggios everywhere they go, whether it be Free Roam, Missions, or Races.
 
168. Besides Chrome Objects, EVERYTHING must be Pink, Your cars, your guns, and your outfits! This works very well when combined with rule 167
 
169.If you have been spawn-killed a bunch of times, been pitted a lot in races, or just hate the game in general, then complain to the GTA forums that are obviously run by Rockstar Games. Once you are done writing your complaint (while including as many curse words/racial slurs that you can think of), then your post stating the problems with the game will be read by Rockstar and will be fixed immediately!
 
170. If you do not own the 400K apartment with at least 9 Chrome Adders and a Pink Faggio, then you are a stupid poor idiot that doesn't deserve to play the game because you suck.                                                                       
 
171. If you have a bounty put on you, then immediately run to your 400k apartment and give any idiots waiting outside to kill you the Mercenary/Mugger/Bounty treatment while you spectate.
 
172. However, if anyone else in the game has a bounty on them and they are hiding in their apartment, then they are stupid h*mo-f*gs and deserve to die! In order to kill them, wait outside of their garage so that as soon as they come out, they'll be killed by you! While you wait, send them hate mail describing how stupid they are. if anyone else in the server is trying to camp out of the apartment to kill the bounty too, then proceed to spawn-kill them until they leave.
 
173. Videogames are played by men, and men ONLY. Any females in the game that you come across are not welcome. Make sure you let them know this by sending them sexist remarks while also calling them gay, and synonyms to the word gay.
 
174. If you see anyone in the game idle in their car, then either sticky bomb it, or pick it up with a cargo-bob and drop them on top of the Maze-Bank building/Mt. Chiliad/ middle of the ocean/ Fort Zancudo/ really high height.
 
175. Anyone who doesn't live by ANY of the rules in this topic doesn't deserve to live at all! All players disobeying must be spawn killed by means of Lethal force (AKA Tanks, Buzzards, snipers, M/M/B/'s)

Nice tips


Loving your work too meatrocket
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Sandra-js85
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#88

Posted 29 December 2013 - 08:20 AM

Brilliant post! I think I may have met a few players who have taken your advice :p


Dann_47
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#89

Posted 29 December 2013 - 09:28 AM

NEW ADVICE[s]

 

175. If you wanted to buy the apartment BUY THE 400k one because not just people will look you as rich, the view is nice, and it has the special bong on the table

176.  If you are inside your garage then you saw someone outside your garage then just get out, because they want to celebrate you.

177. in most cases, if you are on a high building when being chased by cops, consider turning on the passive mode and just jump, just do it.

 

178. Other player's personal vehicle might be your enemy later, so just destroy everybodys personal vehicle if you can find one.

179. If you fully upgrade the Principe Faggio, youre the best motorcyclist ever.

180. Shooting players at their balls [ male only ] will result an instant death

181. You could get 300% more RP if you only used bottle to fight in gun deathmatch

182. After level 10 [female only] they will be invicible to tanks

183. If you shoot a gas tank while youre standing on it you could fly onto other building.

184. Stun gun will be unlocked in online if you buy the 400k apartment that have 9 Adders and 1 Rat-Loader

185. If you are killed 20th time in a row you could get a free tank

186. If you got a mission that its distance is over 2000m, consider using a bicycle, it may give you extra rp

187. If someone that has lower rank than you destroying your car, identify where his apartment is at, and launch 25 rockets of RPG at their house to make the house collapse

188. If you saw someones personal vehicle [ especially that costs $500k above] destroy them. you may get that car.

189. Usually those rank 500++ are hackers. For level 10 and below, do not be scared, kill them, they cannot use their weapons

190. If you are on bounty just stay in the middle of the road while using your phone, other players cannot kill you because you are doing other work.
 

 

THATS IT AND SORRY IF ALL ABOVE HAVE BEEN POSTED BEFORE  :music: 


Giantsgiants
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#90

Posted 29 December 2013 - 11:26 AM Edited by Giantsgiants, 29 December 2013 - 11:27 AM.

191. By now, people are getting bored of hearing the same in-game songs over and over again, so give them a taste of something different by blasting the most annoying pop song through your headset. (Rebecca Black songs work well for this.)

 

192. El Sonidito by Hechizeros Band is the best song to ever exist in any GTA game, so be sure to listen to it as much as possible.

 

193. If you encounter a little kid with a squeaky voice, take him out at all costs. Better yet, spawn kill him until he leaves. The rest of the session will thank you for it.

 

194. You hear news of Rockstar applying cash removals or cash resets? Now's your cue to buy every vehicle in the game. Go for the expensive vehicles first.

 

195. Complain to Rockstar if they remove any vehicle from your garage, even if the vehicle is a beater Emperor that sits in the back corner and never gets taken out.





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