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How to Win at GTA online - Jolly Swagman's guide

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senormidget
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#31

Posted 21 November 2013 - 03:10 PM Edited by senormidget, 21 November 2013 - 03:10 PM.

61. If you spin out during a lap race and have no chance of catching up, just drive in the opposite direction and try to crash into the other racers as they enter their next lap, they will appreciate the extra challenge.

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2020
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#32

Posted 22 November 2013 - 01:51 PM

62. You can never have too much LSC glitch money.

 

63. To share your recently inherited wealth, make sure to give a little back into the GTA:O community. Its best to place bounties on the guy talking the loudest through the headset as he will be able to thank you on receiving a continuous flow of 9k until he feels like he is being too greedy and leaves. 

 

64. If you see a player doing his own thing and being a lonely blip on the map, give Merryweather a call and arrange a surprise party to cheer them up so they know people are still thinking about them.

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senormidget
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#33

Posted 22 November 2013 - 02:14 PM

65. When hosting a deathmatch, be sure to set a kill limit of 15 because nobody wants to play for more than 3 minutes at a time

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WBaker
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#34

Posted 22 November 2013 - 03:21 PM

66. While doing a mission if you see a player behind his car shooting he is probably stuck and you should definitely ram into it with your vehicle or drive the car away.
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#35

Posted 01 December 2013 - 10:04 AM

67:if you see somebody evading the cops help them out by shooting their tyres, if that fails to work a good ol' stick bomb will do the trick.
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Jolly Swagman
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#36

Posted 02 December 2013 - 07:06 AM Edited by Jolly SWAGman, 02 December 2013 - 07:23 AM.

67:if you see somebody evading the cops help them out by shooting their tyres, if that fails to work a good ol' stick bomb will do the trick.

Great tip there. Everyone knows popping tyres significantly reduces the vehicles weight leading to a quicker car. Sticky bombs give an even greater effect by stripping the car down to bare essentials, getting rid of all the excess parts like engines.

I've got so more tips coming up very soon. Keep your eyes peeled folks, we'll reach the hundred yet.
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senormidget
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#37

Posted 02 December 2013 - 08:30 AM

68. When playing survival remember that taking cover is for wimps and babies, be sure to go rambo straight into a group of enemies. If you die within ten seconds this your team mates' faults for not covering you properly and you should make them aware of his via your mic.

 

69. When doing "A Titan of a Job" remember that landing planes is boring, simply crash the Titan into the ground after circling the landing strip 5 times.

 

70. If you see somebody else get to a crate drop before you be sure to chase them across the entire map and blow them up, they will drop the RP and molotov cocktails they got from the crate and you can take them for yourself.

 

71. If somebody puts a bounty on you after you've spawn killed them forty five times this is a serious disrespect on their part, you should put a higher bounty on them, send muggers and mercenaries after them and continue to spawn kill if possible. If they still don't respect your skills after this, you should find a Lazer or a Tank and help them realise the error of their ways. A friendly message calling them a fa**ot and threatening to kill their entire family will help this along.

 

72. If somebody irritates you in some way such as being better than you at the game, you can report them to Rockstar & Microsoft as a hacker or glitcher since this is clearly the only explanation.

 

73. If you see a group of six people riding BMXs in the skatepark and they aren't even killing each other then they are obviously extremely bored, liven up their day with a few shells from your tank.

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#38

Posted 02 December 2013 - 02:19 PM

74. Every story you tell about your ingame exploits on GTA forums HAS to end with the words "so I spawn killed him 'til he rage-quit".
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#39

Posted 02 December 2013 - 02:44 PM

75. Anyone talking English over the chat channel with an accent different to you and your friends must be ridiculed relentlessly.

75. Anyone talking in any language other than English over the chat channel must be hunted down and killed repeatedly while you hurl racist insults at them.
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#40

Posted 02 December 2013 - 09:27 PM

77. Anyone caught missing the number 76 must be bummed by elephants.
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#41

Posted 06 December 2013 - 09:38 PM

78. Wear a suit, faux hawk and sunglasses to reinforce your masculinity.
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kilopm
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#42

Posted 16 December 2013 - 04:31 AM Edited by kilopm, 16 December 2013 - 01:04 PM.

79. When in a 1 vs1 race, if the opponent is clearly going to win, then Curse them out using as many racial slurs as possible, and then leave. This will make you seem superior for not giving a crap about good sportsmanship.

 

80. Whether in Freemode or a mission, be sure to randomly fire your weapon when riding with another player. They will surely appreciate the extra challenge of having to escape from the police.

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Jolly Swagman
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#43

Posted 17 December 2013 - 01:10 PM

Thanks for the support everyone. Thought this thread would have died long ago. I keep underestimating the spirit of this community in wanting to make online a friendly place.

I've got a few content creator tips for all the budding designers out there:

81. When designing a death match always ensure you put tanks, RPGs and lazers everywhere. Anything else is boring - why give us all these tools if you're not going to use them. This applies especially to death matches in enclosed areas.

82. People enjoy also enjoy death matches where the creator just puts one heavy machine gun in a hidden place with only broken bottles scattered across the rest of the field. It's a real challenge for the others when you as the creator play. This also applies to those clever tanks vs fists death matches.

83. When creating races always ensure to put jumps everywhere. Make jumps on hair pin corners. Put them all over the straight for no apparent reason. Do one that goes over a lake that cars have no chance of clearing. A good rule of thumb is the more jumps, the better the race.

84. All created races should be gta races. Scatter rockets absolutely everywhere, they should be hard to avoid even if a driver was trying to avoid picking them up. Don't bother with check points in gta races either. Put one at the start and another at the end 32 miles away with 1246 missile pick-ups in between.

85. Creations should always be original. Some out of the box ideas for you to start with include:
- races around the vine wood race track
- melee only death matches
- down the drain in reverse
- a race right around the edge of the whole map.

Anyone out there with more tips please help. We will get to 100 any day now
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#44

Posted 17 December 2013 - 05:30 PM

86. If you accidently made your character as a girl, make sure to always wear a bikini. This will make you definitly one of a kind and might aswell disturb other players in making an attempt to kill you. A black leather jacket would also be acceptable on top of that bikini, since the night of Los Santos can get pretty cold.

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WBaker
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#45

Posted 17 December 2013 - 06:57 PM

87. The description field in the content creator is for decorative purposes only. If you can be bothered to write anything at all it, you absolutely should not spoil the surprise with an actual description.
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kilopm
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#46

Posted 18 December 2013 - 04:09 AM Edited by kilopm, 18 December 2013 - 04:14 AM.

88. In the race creator, make as many checkpoints as possible that go along mountain ranges. Be ABSOLUTELY sure to disable all off-road vehicles. The other racers will appreciate the added challenge and difficulty in trying to not completely tumble off the edge while driving at super-sonic speeds. Which leads me to my next tip...

 

89. ALL vehicles must be Super Cars or Sport Cars, because clearly these are the best vehicles because they're the most expensive. This is especially to be true when the race has awkward turns that are very easy to miss (Which all good tracks should have BTW). The only reason why the race shouldn't have the two classes of cars is if the race is around the entire map. In that case...

 

90. If the race goes around the entire map, or atleast covers a very large portion of the map, then the only classes available should be utility, bicycles, or trucks. Obviously the more time it takes for a race to end, the more tense and fun the race is. What makes the race even more fun is when you use tip 88 in conjunction with this, and the race seems almost impossible to beat at one point. The other racers will also love repeatidly tapping the X button if the race is on bicycles.

 

91. Another thing to always remember to use tight turns, misleading checkpoint signs, underground tunnels, etc. to make the most confusing, most inconvenient, and most difficult track to make the race basically impossible to everyone unless they've memorized everything. This way, the other players will also be amazed at your skills when they see that you're always in first place for all of your races. Besides, you need to win more races to unlock the chrome paintjob for your OP custom Adder, so that you can win more races to unlock upgrades to make it more OP, so that you can win some more, and then never get that DJ Khaled song out of your head.

 

92. Lastly, if you want to make a long race, but don't want to make a ton of checkpoints, then simply make it a lap race, put one point on one end of the map, and put the other on the exact opposite end of the map. Congratulations, mission complete! (Also,  make the race multiple laps)

 

Alright guys, I've got writer's cramp, so I'm done for now. Come on, we've only got 8 more to go! :)

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#47

Posted 18 December 2013 - 05:08 AM

93. If you see someone without a custom chrome Adder, Entity XF or Eleghy RH8 make sure to remind them by repeatedly spawn killing them in your OP Custom swag Chrome Adder

 

94. If someone if using guns make sure to remind them it's about hammers, broken bottles and running them over. Oh and the cannons on tanks and Lazer's!

 

95. No one likes short races, make sure you place checkpoints in the most stupid places like ontop of Maze Bank, ontop of Mount Chilliad or even on the beach.

96  Simeon sucks, if you see anyone taking a car to him make sure to blow it up as fast as possible because the ocean needs to fed regularly with crappy cars.

 

97 Remind everyone of how much money you have by inviting them to your apartment so they can be jealous of all your Chrome Adder swag

 

98 Never ever have a garage that doesn't have atleast 10 Chromes Adder's, it's the worst choice and everyone will want kill you in their chrome Adder if you don't

 

99 Whenever you have a bounty, be sure to camp inside the military base for YOUR protection, the military will assist your survival by sending tanks and jeeps to protect you from anyone bounty hunters!

 

100 (!!!!!!) The Faggio is a man's vehicle! If you can't afford a Chrome adder yet, or have to much money, always remember to get a Chrome Faggio and scoot down the street with everyone's jaw's dropped

 

101 The Cheater's Lobby is for the good people who now how the game work and give people money for the loveliness they have, they called it the Cheater's Lobby for a reason! It's highly suggested you get there ASAP to see people with billions and so you can roll with the people who have Chrome Adder's and Faggio's

 

I could add more but I'm going to go use these rules!

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#48

Posted 18 December 2013 - 05:37 AM

102. The Chradder and other Chrome vehicles possess magical powers to those look at it, as it will burn the eyes giving you a tactical advantage for going up behind them and smashing their heads in with the SNS pistol's melee

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Jolly Swagman
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#49

Posted 18 December 2013 - 06:17 AM Edited by Jolly SWAGman, 18 December 2013 - 06:20 AM.

Past the 100 mark. This community has pulled together and done a great thing. We all know how annoying it can be when you a join a session with someone who doesn't know the proper etiquette in the game. Now all those new players can find everything they need to know to be a helpful and productive online player in one easy place. Let's keep working together and see how many we can get.

Special prize of $100,000,000 in gta cash to sir ninja for giving the 100th tip. You can collect your prize from any cheater's lobby where it will be given to you by a random modder.
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#50

Posted 18 December 2013 - 06:22 AM

103. A player in passive mode is obviously planning a move to kill you. Make sure to run them over multiple times with your car, and always check that they are not disabling passive mod by throwing remote bombs at them.
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#51

Posted 18 December 2013 - 06:24 AM Edited by Sir Ninja, 18 December 2013 - 06:24 AM.

Hopefully I will receive my amazing money stack from a modder in *cheaters* lobby (104, they called it cheater's because the amazing skilled players go there)


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#52

Posted 18 December 2013 - 02:44 PM

104.  If anyone changes the radio in your personal vehicle, kick them out immediately and run them over a few times before driving off.

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#53

Posted 19 December 2013 - 08:09 AM

105. if a modder has put a 1,000,000,067 bounty on you go to your apartment and invite everyone to a jolly house party and make them wait. MAKE SURE TO DRINK YOUR GREEN JUICE FIRST BECAUSE IT IS GOOD FOR YOU

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#54

Posted 19 December 2013 - 05:19 PM Edited by meatrocket8, 19 December 2013 - 05:20 PM.

106.  The very first thing you should do upon logging on is immediately steal a random car and head straight for LSC.  Park the car near the garage door where drivers must pass right by to get in.  Plant a sticky bomb on the backside of the car so they can't see it.  Proceed to rooftop camping spot and detonate the sticky bomb when someone comes in to get their ride worked on.

 

Extra points for Personal Vehicles and multiple victims.

 

Better yet, the person you kill might be mad & come back to let you kill them a bunch of times. 

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#55

Posted 19 December 2013 - 05:40 PM

107. Always put White wall dollah rims and chrome on every Car you have. It shows that you are rich and have much swag.

108. Always drive a firetruck around and spray people who are in passive mode with it. They are filthy and need to be cleaned up.

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#56

Posted 19 December 2013 - 07:36 PM

109.  The absolute first thing you should do when you get enough RP and money for a tank is to purchase it immediately and find at least one (preferably more) single-digit level players to grief/spawn camp.

 

Of course, this should be done only after suggestion #106 above.

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#57

Posted 19 December 2013 - 10:28 PM

110. Always remember: GTAO is about missions, races, deathmatches, and. If you see anyone else trying to partake in any activity besides the three listed above, then spawn-kill them immediately.

 

111. When playing in survival, DON'T! Instead, go read a book or make a sandwich or something while the other three people in the game do all the work. Easiest $20,000 you could ever make. Repeat this process until you have enough money to buy a modded-out Chrome Adder so you have a fast way to travel to your OP Rhino.

 

112. If the game is too quiet, then why not liven up everyone's mood by playing music through the mic. Now, there are many different genres of music, but nothing beats the classics! Also, be sure to turn up your beethoven very loud so everyone in the server can hear!

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#58

Posted 20 December 2013 - 12:06 AM Edited by L33TxFuSIoN, 20 December 2013 - 02:29 AM.

113. If you find yourself being spawn killed by anyone you should always send them a friendly reminder that they're fags and you have had sexual intercourse with their mothers.

114. If anyone is in a tank minding their own business be sure to call for yours (if you have one) and repeatedly shoot the crap out of them, This will remind them that minding your own business is wrong and will not be tolerated.

115. If anyone is in a tank and spawn killing you, repeatedly run toward the tank while holding Y or Triangle, This shows the tank driver that you are a fearless warrior and will not tolerate any spawn killing, causing them to leave you alone. A friendly message saying "Yeh dats wat i fot fa**ot dont com back or al f*ck you up" Always helps the situation.

Edited for 116...

116. If anyone in the game is a modder, "hacker" or generally annoying you, Do not report them! Simply tell them about your cousin, uncle, brother or friend that can ban their account and console and let them know that even if they get a new account or console, It won't work because you will get their internet banned..

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#59

Posted 20 December 2013 - 04:35 AM

117. Passive mode is a sign of weakness. Weakness is good for cleaning the tracks of your tank.

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#60

Posted 20 December 2013 - 06:15 AM

118. If your friend is about to get out of the cheater lobby be sure to remind him why he was in there by awarding him 10 million he will thank you for letting him stay there
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