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How to Win at GTA online - Jolly Swagman's guide

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  • Giantsgiants


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Posted 27 August 2015 - 10:11 PM

781. If you want quick cash and RP, play deathmatches that have lots of zeros and dollar signs in the title. Trust me, they're quick cash and RP, otherwise, they wouldn't be titled "10000000 RP + $$$$$$$$$$$ + Rank Up".

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  • Kaiser_

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Posted 29 August 2015 - 02:18 PM

782. Never TRUST ANYONE. If you're chilling with another player and he pulls out his gun.quickly putt out a musket if in assisted aiming or a shotgun if in free roam..and body that snake..p.s i have trust issues in this game
783.Always troll that one white kid who thinks he's black on the mic.
784.If you are the friendly type,when approaching another player in a car..honk your musical horn and do burnouts for a while..if this doesn't help and they still shoot at you..break hell loose on them

Lord DC
  • Lord DC


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Posted 02 September 2015 - 12:51 AM

785. Surely the one kid who is rolling up to you in the weirdly colored armored Kuruma is just trying to get you to hop in, and the bullets are just making sure you are awake.

786. Always use your Grenade launcher whenever someone gets out of autolock distance. Never EVER use a rifle, those are way too skill requiring for you.

787. See that Cargobob? yeah? SHOOT IT DOWN. it's no doubt going to pick up a nuke to destroy the entire everything!!?!!!one1!

788. Remember, this is 'Murica, land of the ignorant and blatantly lying politicians, Never show respect to the one foreign guy who is being nice to everyone.

789. This is not Russia! we don't drive the low end cars that civilians do! you'll never impress anybody with the Voodoo, always use your chrome Insurgent, or gold N' pink T20.

790. That level 290 guy is a modder! he is such a high level right? keep texting him to drop him money, and he will come and drop a small flashing red box, that when you stand on it, will fire out 200 billion GTA$

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  • VanessaMagick

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Posted 04 September 2015 - 11:06 PM



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Jolly Swagman
  • Jolly Swagman

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Posted 15 January 2016 - 09:35 AM Edited by Jolly Swagman, 15 January 2016 - 09:40 AM.

Never unnecessarily bump the guide after months of inactivity
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  • Arachne

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Posted 15 January 2016 - 09:42 AM Edited by Arachne, 15 January 2016 - 09:43 AM.

793:Rhymes are life,kill that player with a knife


794:If you see an insurgent,rather than shooting it with your lovely carbine,you should use all your explosives and get killed in process while trying to destroy (yes,destroy) AN ARMORED CAR.


795:Griefers are bad,you should grief them instead!

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  • Giantsgiants


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Posted 11 April 2017 - 05:50 AM

796. Kill people doing Import/Export runs and take their car. Less work for you, which means more money.

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  • Squirrel__Army


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Posted 11 April 2017 - 10:56 AM

797. Make sure your car is as ugly and garish as possible. Those moments of hesitation by your target when they can't comprehend why on earth you put those colour combinations together means you will be the one shooting first.

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Jolly Swagman
  • Jolly Swagman

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Posted 24 April 2017 - 03:36 PM Edited by Jolly Swagman, 24 April 2017 - 03:38 PM.

I've started playing GTA online for the first time since 2015. I must admit that I was very worried when I first logged on. Loading it up and seeing all these ridiculous stunt races and weird looking cars I thought I was gonna be screwed and not know the proper decorum for how to blitz this game now so much had changed. Luckily you have all provided me with the knowledge to start winning* again (and not just help randoms on contact missions like some kind of loser).

BTW: it also seems one of the mods has edited the OP to say this guide is meant to be humorous. That is complete horsesh*t. GTA online is very serious business. If you're not winning* online, you're obviously can't win in real life either.

*winning: making everyone else's experience as horrible as possible (If you don't agree with this you're obviously one of the losers).
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  • oleg_aka_djmeg

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Posted 24 April 2017 - 09:32 PM

798. Ruin the order of actions in the most comprehensive gtao guide on the internet whenever you get a chance.
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Jolly Swagman
  • Jolly Swagman

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Posted 03 May 2017 - 02:30 PM

799. Always kill anyone you see in helicopter as there is a slight chance it might be that Happy Hunter douchebag
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  • Ninja_Nicoya


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Posted 12 May 2017 - 12:52 PM

800. Sticky bomb suicides are a reminder kamikaze style never went out of style.

Ps: Mother buys her son a used copy of gtav at game stop. Receives a small baggy of meth, instead. Now he can go into real world and go on a suicide mission fearlessly.
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  • catogumpa

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Posted 25 May 2017 - 12:10 AM

Swagman´s jolly and seeing StangOne50 got me to post

haven't seen anything on Heists - some thoughts on Prison Break:


801: Prison Officer - Prisoner got caught, so under no circumstances are they allowed to have weapons. Do NOT drop any weapons for them. Your job is to hang back and cover the rear. The only time you want to surge forward is when the first courtyard is cleared. Run to Rashkovsky quickly, so that the prisoner doesn't have any time to get any dropped weapons.


802: Prisoner - There's a reason you're dressed so lightly; your job is to be fast - as fast as the wind! Run like there's no tomorrow - dash for that van! Do not slow down to take cover, especially not wasting time armoring up or eating snacks - this is no picnic!


803: Demoltions - Study the pilot. Did they take a long time getting to Sandy Shores? There's your first clue that they don't know what they're doing. Also if the devilishly clever fighter pilots somehow manage to get perilously in front of the pilot, if the pilot is somehow in that precarious position right behind the jet, then help them out right away! Listen to the instructions and shoot that jet down!


804: Pilot - Well, not much to do really ... your moment will come at the end. You decide if your team gets that elite challenge or not. It's all up to your parachuting skills. If you land right on top of the helicopter - and it has to be dead center - then that's it - ELITE! (The demo might try to make it hard for you, by landing way off to the side of the beach, or even worse staying in the air until you land. But no fear - still one way of getting that elite - you need to face plant into the side of the cliff and then run zig-zag into the back rotor.)


Good luck team!

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  • Tokasmoka

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Posted 25 May 2017 - 02:19 PM

805: Ghost + Off the radar + Insurgent + Sticky Ickies = Good Times.  It's not hiding, it's confiding. 

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  • Masterjohn88

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Posted 25 May 2017 - 02:26 PM

Go pro and use pro player tacs. use ghost 3 min and hydra, 

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