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How to Win at GTA online - Jolly Swagman's guide

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kilopm
  • kilopm

    The guy who pit-manuevered you the other day

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#301

Posted 24 August 2014 - 09:51 PM Edited by kilopm, 24 August 2014 - 09:56 PM.

646. No matter what the reason, if you don't buy the Miljet, Besra, and Swift, then you are a poor hobo who has no taste in style or class. That is a fact.

 

647. It is also a fact that if you win at any online event, then this is the greatest game ever made in the history of mankind, however, if you lose any event, then this game f*cking sucks c*ck and *ss and you'll never play it again, EVER! (Proceed to play again in less than 10 minutes).

 

648. Every player is now required to complete every mission in the Flight School or else they are and forever will be known as "Those flying n000wbs who aren't LEGIT like US!"

 

649. The Coquette is the new hot ticket and the Z-type and Monroe are now obsolete, so if you don't wanna be left out I suggest you get one ASAP!

 

650. The following post will blow your mind.....

 

651. The Jetpack is confirmed to be added to GTAO in the next update because this post # is 651. I made this post, and 651 backwards is 156, and if you switch the 6 and 5 you get 165, which is another post I made. Now, if you add 165 and 651, you get 816. The 8th letter of the alphabet is H, the 1st is A, and the 6th is F. so 816 = HAF. If you say HAF ten times fast it sounds like "half" and half of 816 is 408. The 165 post was also made in December, which is the 12th month of the year, and 408 + 12 is 420. 420 is National Marijauna day, and in the middle of the word "marijuana" is a j. This j, of course, stands for Jetpack. Finally, this is post #651, and 651 + 420 = 1,071. So, Jetpacks will come out when this topic gets 1,071 tips.

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StangOne50
  • StangOne50

    BEAST

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#302

Posted 25 August 2014 - 03:21 AM Edited by stangone50, 15 September 2014 - 02:00 PM.

652. When playing RR be sure to grab the docs first then proceed to stand 5 feet from Madrazos driveway and perform the jerking motion till the full 15 minute maximum payout time has expired. Your fellow teamates will appreciate the fact that you took it upon yourself to help them earn more money.

 

653. When coming across an afk player, proceed to spawn kill him till he either leaves the session or comes back from being afk. If he does come back from being afk leave the session unless he has a lower rank than you in which case you must continue to spawn kill him till he leaves the session. Either way they will appreciate the invaluable lesson you have just taught them.

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TheGoodSgtScooter
  • TheGoodSgtScooter

    Vote freedom, vote Scooter. Current mayor of Paleto Bay.

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#303

Posted 07 September 2014 - 11:27 PM

654. Though shalt never let this holy guide fall to the second page.
655. The blonde dreads look like hair, and totally not dried dog crap.
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DoctorAnus
  • DoctorAnus

    Drifter

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#304

Posted 08 September 2014 - 01:37 AM

656. Obviously having all attachments and pink camo for every gun is the proper way for your guns. If you come across a person without all the attachments, proceed to spawn kill them until they leave.

657. If you encounter somebody not wearing a flight suit and a pogo mask, call them a fa**ot and that you f*cked their mother and proceed to kill them with your tank.

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Amistrulez
  • Amistrulez

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#305

Posted 26 November 2014 - 10:22 PM

658. Always play in first person or you are boring retard that can't play like a real man.

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Jolly Swagman
  • Jolly Swagman

    Has a jumbuck in his tucker bag

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#306

Posted 27 November 2014 - 05:46 AM

658. Always play in first person or you are boring retard that can't play like a real man.

Thanks for that mate. We need some more new/ current gen tips to help those players who might not have played last generation

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stonedpimpso
  • stonedpimpso

    I bust until I'm empty, best chance to take you with me.

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#307

Posted 27 November 2014 - 06:09 PM Edited by stonedpimpso, 27 November 2014 - 06:09 PM.

659. First person is actually good for navigating ledges and other precarious positions.

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bruvs-mcfc
  • bruvs-mcfc

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#308

Posted 27 November 2014 - 07:01 PM

660.
If one of your characters are female DO NOT make the mistake of attempting to play golf using her as their sort are not welcome in a men's club and you should home preparing food for your master
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Amistrulez
  • Amistrulez

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#309

Posted 27 November 2014 - 07:16 PM

661. Neon lights must be used in every car.

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Jolly Swagman
  • Jolly Swagman

    Has a jumbuck in his tucker bag

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#310

Posted 28 November 2014 - 10:04 AM Edited by Jolly Swagman, 28 November 2014 - 10:16 AM.

660.
If one of your characters are female DO NOT make the mistake of attempting to play golf using pher as their sort are not welcome in a men's club and you should home preparing food for your master

That's a good tip. Players should also remember that if your character happens to be Jewish or has tattoos or earns under 500k a year or is black or has long hair or is gay or is a dirty liberal or eats Chinese food or is anything besides a rich white old man, that they aren't welcome at the golf course either.*

*Tiger Woods exempted.
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EW200
  • EW200

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#311

Posted 28 November 2014 - 08:23 PM

662. If posting in online forums such as this one about cool things you've discovered or done in GTA5, never post the console you are playing when you found/did said "cool things". Everyone knows that all consoles and generations of consoles play EXACTLY THE SAME and why waste your valuable time with a few extra keystrokes? 

 

663. The best way to announce to another player that you want to be friends is to drive full speed at them honking your musical horn. Trust me, they will wave or salute you and immediatley send you a friend request.

 

664. When starting a mission with a max of 4 players and 3 have joined with one "on call". That means he is on the phone IRL and will be right with you. Be sure to wait the full count of the clock before starting, so that he has time to get off his call and join the mission properly. The other players will commend you for being thoughtful.


EW200
  • EW200

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#312

Posted 28 November 2014 - 08:34 PM Edited by EW200, 28 November 2014 - 08:35 PM.

665. Be sure and start all missions from your garage so that everyone gets a chance to be properly impressed by your taste in cars and colors. The exception to this rule is "Boat in the Bay". This mission should always be started from the ferris wheel on the pier. Don't question why.


!M4G3_N4T10N
  • !M4G3_N4T10N

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#313

Posted 05 December 2014 - 01:18 AM

666. Satan's rule: whenever another player shows compassion and empathy and turns the other cheek for any of your wrong doings, shoot them in the back and call them a stupid p.ssy

666. Eh) if you're Canadian you are obligated to then apologize
666. B) if you're American you are obligated to welcome said victim to 'MERICA
666. C) if you're Aussie, although not obligated, it is recommended to offer a friendly "G'day mate!"

667. When trying to survive a bounty, whenever another player is getting near just bring up a quick job on the phone and then exit out once able, teleporting yourself to a different location. The bounty hunter will admire your elusiveness.

668. KD is both a valuable and essential indicator of how good you are at GTAO (anything below 5 and you're a dirty noob), and a quick and delicious mid game snack, eh

669. It is imperative that you stretch thoroughly prior to gaming so as to not pull a hammy when jumping off of your couch and throwing your controller when someone beats you. This also includes doing verbal exercises (fat f.ggy fr.nchies f.ck farm animals for fun) in order to best your opponents when smack talking through your mic. Smack talk is a highly underrated aspect of the game and can be difference maker when attempting to elicit tears from your pre pubescent counterpart in game. Remember, stay calm and composed, mock them for being different in any way, and either insinuate or blatantly state that their mother spreads like melted butter.

670. It's been said already but get never be emphasized enough, winning is the most important aspect ever, in anything you do. If you're behind in a race do your best to screw up everyone else, or switch sessions. They'll appreciate your competitiveness. Remember "If you're not first, you're last" -mr Bobby
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xInfamousRYANx
  • xInfamousRYANx

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#314

Posted 05 December 2014 - 03:55 AM

671. Make sure to force every event first person. Everyone wants to be hardcore like you.
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!M4G3_N4T10N
  • !M4G3_N4T10N

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#315

Posted 07 December 2014 - 03:52 AM

672. If you collect all 50 letter scraps and all 50 ufo parts in story mode it will make your online character invincible.

673. With regards to smack talking, it only matters what you say and how you say it. No need to worry about making sense or being rational or thoughtful. Remember, It is better to be a cunning linguist than a master debater

kilopm
  • kilopm

    The guy who pit-manuevered you the other day

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#316

Posted 22 January 2015 - 09:20 PM

674. Now that GTA V is out on the next gen consoles, everyone must see what it looks like when you get a prostitute in first person.

 

675. Now that you have read this rule, go back to the first page and start all over!


Del Perro Dog
  • Del Perro Dog

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#317

Posted 22 January 2015 - 10:26 PM

678. Remember, clothes shopping is gay. So remember to punish clothes shoppers by blowing up their parked car and glitch your weapon inside the clothes shop to kill them.

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