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How to Win at GTA online - Jolly Swagman's guide

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Jolly SWAGman
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#1

Posted 18 November 2013 - 10:21 PM Edited by Jolly SWAGman, A week ago.

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ATTN: This guide is meant to be humorous.

  • If someone pulls up in car next to you and honks their horn, this means that the person is attempting to tell you they have a terminal disease and wish to be euthanized. You should calmly walk up to their car before putting a bullet between their eyes. You get bonus points for driving off in their car afterwards because no-one likes waste and since the original owner wont be needing it any more, you might as well take it.
  • Everybody playing the games besides you is either a massive son of a bitch, a motherf*cker or c*nt. You have also had sex with the vast majority of other players mothers. Remember this advantage and use the information to pyshc out other players by frequently reminding them over the head set. This tactic also works with loudly played music and heavy breathing.
  • Anyone entering a LSC is obviously doing so to make a bit of time to plan a trap. Get the jump on these sneaky players by ensuring you wait for them in car park outside and shoot them in the face the second they exit. The same goes with players inside apartments.
  • When doing a co-operative mission always make sure to race as quickly as possible to the objective. If you should happen to die multiple times and the mission fails remember this is your team mates fault for taking so long to get to the objective. Make sure you let them know this over the microphone.
  • When doing a co-operate mission you should always ensure you are the one to be completing objectives. If there is a helicopter or plane only you are capable of being the pilot. If for some reason someone else manages to get control of one of the objectives you should immediately do everything in your power to get in under your control. Attempt to smash the required helicopter or plane out of the sky. While you cannot shoot team members during missions remember you can run them over. This can help should another team member pick up a package and prevent you from delivering. It is better to fail a mission than to let someone else get all the glory.
  • Upon returning to free roam on completion of a mission you should kill shoot anyone you just completed the mission with immediately. This is a great way to earn extra cash and RP and is another way to show off how good a player you are.
  • When hosting a job always sets its joining status to open even when you only wish to play with friends. Setting jobs to open makes them run a lot more smoothly and gives you better rewards for completion. As host you have the kick button and can just simply kick anyone who joins who is not your friend.  
  • Crews are a great way of tracking down other players to kill. Make sure you join a crew and that way you can always select join crew members from the game menu to easily track down victims. The game helpfully highlights these potential victims with a coloured circle in your in game map.
  • When modifying vehicles ensure that you only purchase the most expensive spoiler, horn, skirts and other body modifications. This is a great way to make your car unique and individual. Custom tyres on every car also make them go faster.
  • If you see another player doing what you feel is wrong, you should punish them by spawn killing. You have awesome skills so will be able to do this until they rage quit and leave the server. An ideal session will have you doing this to all other players until you are alone. You can then spend the rest of the session repeatedly killing yourself as punishment for spawn killing.
  • When racing always select either criminal records or down the drain. These are the two most fun and challenging tracks which is why they are always picked. You should only ever race super cars and leave immediately if the host changes class.  You should then also send them a message calling them a fag.
  • A chrome adder is the best car in every circumstance. If there are more than  two people playing youre better off killing anyone who wont fit in the adder rather than taking a four door, such is the power of chrome.  

If any one has any more tips, please add them below. Appreciate any help you can give.

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CMCMARCUS
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#2

Posted 18 November 2013 - 10:23 PM Edited by CMCMARCUS, 18 November 2013 - 10:25 PM.

13. The Asea should be a glaringly bright green and covered in stickers, so as to show off your superior swaggotry.

14. Every car you have needs to have a backup remote bomb installed on the offchance that people get inside of it.

15. Every car also needs an extremely high spoiler, so as to show off your driving ability. Spoiler size is directly related to epeen size.

Damn Ipod

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Rinsaf
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#3

Posted 18 November 2013 - 10:24 PM

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hallkjell
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#4

Posted 18 November 2013 - 10:57 PM

16. Catchup must be enabled during every race, because it kind of rhymes with ketchup. And who doesn't like ketchup? This is to demonstrate how great you are at hosting jobs.

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Jolly SWAGman
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#5

Posted 18 November 2013 - 11:05 PM Edited by Jolly SWAGman, 18 November 2013 - 11:06 PM.

16. Catchup must be enabled during every race, because it kind of rhymes with ketchup. And who doesn't like ketchup? This is to demonstrate how great you are at hosting jobs.

 The one exception to this is if you have a custom super car and are racing people level 20 or under. As people this low level won't have made enough cash to afford a custom super,  it's your duty as host to turn catch up off so they can see just how much faster you can go with modifications. They will then know what they can look forward to.

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thejack0ff
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#6

Posted 18 November 2013 - 11:28 PM

17. Never trust everyone, remember everyone who plays with you is a chump so always scream insults via microphone OR send them hateful text messages as soon as they approach you.

 

18. Only drive cars that show that you have SWAG.

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Ribsey
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#7

Posted 18 November 2013 - 11:43 PM Edited by Ribsey, 18 November 2013 - 11:44 PM.

 

16. Catchup must be enabled during every race, because it kind of rhymes with ketchup. And who doesn't like ketchup? This is to demonstrate how great you are at hosting jobs.

 

 

Made my day, such fun reading through this topic.

 

19. If someone drives past in anything other than an Entity, Elegy or Adder you're entitled to immediately show them the error of their ways and sticky bomb it ASAP. Be sure to spawn kill a few times afterwards if deemed necessary for maximum effect.

 

20. If in doubt grab a tank and make sure you display it to everyone in the session, allowing them to admire it before being blown up out of admiration. NOTE: Be sure not to leave your tank as this will make you vunerable to everything else.

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HiddenStreet
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#8

Posted 18 November 2013 - 11:54 PM

Criminal Records is the best racing track, imo  It's the most fun - especially when dirty racing is involved (actually being serious). It reminds me of Nascar. I turn on catch up when I dirty race with buddies there. I turn off catch up when we're not dirty racing. Most of the other tracks have too many 90 degree turns, too many narrow lanes and are poorly designed in general. I can't wait until the race creator is released.

 

Other than that, I agree with your post.

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Jolly SWAGman
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#9

Posted 19 November 2013 - 12:04 AM

I'm surprised the mods actually bothered to move this to the guides section

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TheGhostofDirtMcGirt
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#10

Posted 19 November 2013 - 09:13 AM

Your garage should contain at least 90% glitched vehicles. No other vehicles are worthy to be stored there. You should also post pix of your glitched garage so everyone knows how skilled you are.

If, for some strange reason, you feel the need to obtain a legit but rare vehicle you should not go out and look for it, you should instead find someone to dup it for you.
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Jolly SWAGman
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#11

Posted 19 November 2013 - 09:25 AM

Your garage should contain at least 90% glitched vehicles. No other vehicles are worthy to be stored there. You should also post pix of your glitched garage so everyone knows how skilled you are.

If, for some strange reason, you feel the need to obtain a legit but rare vehicle you should not go out and look for it, you should instead find someone to dup it for you.


I'm outta likes for today but I'll make sure to eventually get around to editing this and all the other awesome tips into the guide.

pakovrs
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#12

Posted 19 November 2013 - 09:49 AM Edited by pakovrs, 19 November 2013 - 09:50 AM.

When you are griefing other players, it is highly recommended to choose the players who have the mic on. Its funnier, and you can get "pissed off" achievement. If lots of players with mic, go for the lowest ranked. He will try to defend himself with a pistol or something like that.

 

 

Another good trick. With this, all the lobby will know that there's a new sheriff in town. You do the god mode glitch, and after that start running over players. It tooks about 3-4 spawn kills on average to realize they cant kill you or blow your car. After that, he will jump to somewhere you cant reach him with the car. Here you have two options, look for another objective, or call firefighters, and watering them a bit. Really fun. You will know if it works great if the player leaves the session. Also try god mode with Cargobob and TT since you can easily pick the vehicle without getting killed. 

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mo-seph
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  • Most Helpful [GTA] 2013

#13

Posted 19 November 2013 - 10:33 AM

21 . when racing PIT is the ONLY way to win.... theres no skill in just passing someone on an inside line... unless you take the opportunity to smash into their back quarter and send you both spinning out into oblivion...

 

22 . To increase your chances in survival, find where the player with the highest kills is positioning themselves in cover, then repeatedly run at them, blocking their line of sight until they move... alternatively a seasoned veteran of survival will find a place to hide away from all NPC spawn points and all other players,,, there's no better feeling that surviving 10 rounds, earning 20k and not spending a dime on even a single bullet....

 

23 . Chrome makes your adder faster... its a fact...

 

24 . Eclipse towers is the best apartment because its most expensive,

 

25. Related to the above... always find a place to camp outside to kill anyone who enters/leaves...

 

26. Friend is code for target.... Crew is code for ducks in a barrel...

 

27. if your over 18 your "old" a "pedo" or "living in your moms basement",,,, you shoudlnt be playing games, because games are only designed for people who need their parents to buy it for them....

 

28. Those who can do, those who cant glitch....

 

29. If you have a mic, use a voice changer.... its cool and makes you sound like barry white.... or alvin the chipmunk..

 

30 . . All guns need to be gold... because it shows how good you are on Righteous Slaughter 7

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Furry_Monkey
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#14

Posted 19 November 2013 - 01:03 PM Edited by Furry_Monkey, 19 November 2013 - 01:04 PM.

You forgot the most important one...

 

If you see a player that is in passive mode this clearly means they are up to no good.  Immediately run them over.  You may need to reverse over them and then drive over them again (rinse and repeat), if they don't die straight away.  If this doesn't work as they're being dishonest and standing on something that you can't mount, then it's your responsibility to get a tank and smack them round with the turret until they die.  Alternatively, follow them round shooting the tyres of every car they get into, to show them the error of their ways.

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Novatic
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#15

Posted 19 November 2013 - 02:22 PM

31. If you see someone below lvl 5 and happen to have more than 1k cash on you, immediately call Lamar to send a mugger at them. Watching poor noobs being robbed is an important part of GTA Online. Don't forget to watch from your tv if possible. And don't feel bad, you're doing them a favor by making them learn the hard way.

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fw3
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#16

Posted 19 November 2013 - 03:01 PM Edited by fw3, 19 November 2013 - 03:16 PM.

I'm not sure what prompted you to make such an elaborate, extensive post, but it made my morning and I plan on reading it to my family at bedtime tonight. Seriously, thanks for the chuckles in the OP and all the replies. Here's some more:

32. There's no kids the actual game, as Rockstar rated it M for the well-being of children.

33. Please treat little kids online with sensitivity and kindness, despite they just called you a <insert racial slur, sexual preference insult, mother-related expletive, etc>. Just smile and remember they are just kids being kids!

35. Allow kids in Survival to have all armor, health, and weapons, otherwise you're bullying and not being fair; especially when they hide every wave, getting 1 kill or getting killed within 8 seconds.

36. Don't attack kids in helicopters, especially while they're firing random rockets all over LCS before crashing into an overpass or highway sign. It's just not nice.

37. Luke's mom told him to get off the XBox four times, yet he's still playing. Don't remind Luke, via the mic, to respect his mom and finish his chicken. Don't advise Luke to stop swearing at his little sister, even though he's racing. Don't ask Luke if his mom is hot, what she's wearing, or if she's got room in the basement for a guest.

38. If a child harasses you about where you got that car, how you just did that, or how to glitch, please accommodate their requests - it's important to mentor young people.

39. During a mission, be patient with a child who runs amok, away from the vehicle, or runs in circles outside the vehicle. Gently remind them to please get in the car by pressing Y, as they will immediately follow your advice and say thank you.

40. And never - for any reason - mute a child player. It is considered very rude. 

Cheers!

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Luvie
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#17

Posted 19 November 2013 - 10:13 PM

41. If your driving around and happen to see anyone busy getting a haircut, buying clothes, getting a tattoo, or buying a gun... make sure to stop and greet them with a spray of bullets or hand granade. And after bravely dispatching them into the netherworld, run away as far and fast as you can.

42. If you happen to be flying around in a Buzzard or Lazer, and see anybody flying a non combat vehicle, make sure to shoot them out of the sky... especially if they are in a cargobob hauling another vehicle around. What they are attempting to do is not your concern. Your only concern is to shoot them out of the sky, and then run away as far and as fast as you can.
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MrHollick
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#18

Posted 20 November 2013 - 09:07 AM

This is the greatest post ever!

Jolly SWAGman
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#19

Posted 20 November 2013 - 09:28 AM Edited by Jolly SWAGman, 20 November 2013 - 12:03 PM.

Nice work everyone. FW3's tips might be focused on children a little bit too much but we'll roll with it, there's no-one judgemental on these forums at all.

Up to 42 tips, I've got a few more to add. Let's see if we can get to 100 to really help everyone out and make the online community a better place in general.

43. If you happen to be the last one alive during a co-operative job instead of completing the mission immediately, you should always drive around for at least half an hour. Your obviously the best player on the mission, so those scrubs will appreciate watching you drive around and might pick up some tips on how a real player drives.
44. You can often tell how skilled and friendly a player is by how they dress. Players wearing nothing but jogging shorts and a pig mask, while wielding a pink rocket launcher for example, are generally very friendly and helpful.
45. The $400000 apartment at eclipse towers is by far the best. As this is the most expensive apartment very few players have purchased it. This means there will never be any one camped outside when you leave. It also has the best views.
46. You should buy a boat as soon as you can afford it. They are the most useful purchase any player can ever make. If anyone reading this has just finished the tutorial don't waste any money buying weapons or anything like that, just save every penny to go towards the most expensive boat. Note: the free boat you get with the beach bum pack does not confer the same bonuses as a purchased boat so don't waste your time.

I haven't done much beach bum DLC, so any pro gamers out there that have tips would be very welcome to add their views
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Zenzic
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#20

Posted 20 November 2013 - 10:30 AM

47. Don't like, dislike or "no vote" when the current job is finished. When everyone else has voted on the next job, don't vote. Let the timer run out every time for humanitarian reasons: it allows the other players to take bathroom breaks every 3 minutes, twice.

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Jolly SWAGman
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#21

Posted 20 November 2013 - 10:47 AM Edited by Jolly SWAGman, 20 November 2013 - 10:57 AM.

47. Don't like, dislike or "no vote" when the current job is finished. When everyone else has voted on the next job, don't vote. Let the timer run out every time for humanitarian reasons: it allows the other players to take bathroom breaks every 3 minutes, twice.

Excellent tip. Can't believe I forgot this. You reminded me of another tip:-

48. When hosting a race always make sure to wait until you have a full lobby. This is especially true when doing short 1 lap, 16 player races. Everyone appreciates a ten minute wait for a minute and half race to build the tension. If some reason your lobby fills quickly (a frequent occurrence due to the games excellent matchmaking abilities) always make sure to kick a player to restart the race start timer. After a few minutes you will notice other selfless players will realise what your doing and leave to help you build the suspense before the race for the others staying in the lobby.
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Refuso
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#22

Posted 20 November 2013 - 12:58 PM

Lmao, awesome topic!


pakovrs
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#23

Posted 20 November 2013 - 08:21 PM Edited by pakovrs, 20 November 2013 - 08:22 PM.

Since the new patch, missions is the way to do it. You can run over your partners and they cant blow your vehicle. U can also cargobob or just drive the "objective car" that has to be deliver to the opposite point on the map. Or put it in top of a skyscrapper, and wait for your partners trying to get it


JaneyBriggs
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#24

Posted 20 November 2013 - 09:22 PM

49. Do not forget to be sexist. I don't know why us ladies play these games that are so obviously made for guys only.

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Jolly SWAGman
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#25

Posted 20 November 2013 - 10:04 PM

49. Do not forget to be sexist. I don't know why us ladies play these games that are so obviously made for guys only.

 

Get back to grand theft kitchen janey - this thread is for males only.

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Zenzic
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#26

Posted 20 November 2013 - 10:22 PM

50. You might encounter players who set their vehicle access to "everyone" during missions and kindly offer you a ride to the point of interest. This is their way of inviting you to drive off in their car later on during critical phases of the mission and leave them to fend off all the heat on their own.

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BatFerYou
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#27

Posted 21 November 2013 - 12:24 AM

Great thread.

51. Tennis, golf and arm wrestling are homosexual pursuits. You should warn other players against having compulsions against anything other than respawn, kill, respawn, kill, get Tank, show everyone how fearless you are inside an armoured box.

52. Cops are your friends. That's why they award stars! Hurray for Police you can't turn off!

53. Got a complaint about the game, or a player? Share it on a forum or your own social media pages, where it will be immediately fixed!
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sSphInXx
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#28

Posted 21 November 2013 - 01:04 AM

Funny as hell OP LOL

 

Thanks for writing :p

 

OP

Jolly SWAGman
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#29

Posted 21 November 2013 - 11:45 AM Edited by Jolly SWAGman, 21 November 2013 - 12:11 PM.

Thanks for all tips and support people, except for that janeybriggs character who tried to corrupt this male only sanctuary with her vile feminine presence :-). Together we will educate those noobs.

Here's a few more courtesy of tymaster50

54.Take the time to go insure a random vehicle on the street and make someone blow it up

55.If you see a tank, kindly show him to the bad sport lobby by ramming your car into it

56. For every bullet another player fires, make sure to put 20 in his head.

I also got a few more to add, including 2 exclusive beach bum-bonanza-bonus tips:-

57. Always set your head set to public in free roam. People think your racist insults yelled while robbing stores are very witty. You can show your sexy side by flirting with the virtual strippers - nothing will impress your fellow gamers more than hearing your seductive come-ons.

58. It's very hard to change radio stations while driving. If anyone picks you up in car, you should assist them by changing the station. Sometimes the radio glitches and will repeatedly change back to the station the radio was on when you entered the vehicle. The only known way to fix this glitch is to blow up the vehicle. The owner will appreciate this.

59. BEACH BUM-BONUS-BONANZA:- The weapons in this DLC are extremely over powered. If you wanna rule death matches or solo survival, grab the SNS.

60. While it seems many people can't get enough of the flip flops, it seems other aspects of the DLC have been ignored. To truly make your character individual you should immediately grab the BF Bifta and the free tattoos before many people realise they are available. You should especially get the free face tattoo cause it's just like face paint but cooler. When the next DLC come out you should immediately upgrade to the best new items to keep that individual look.

JaneyBriggs
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#30

Posted 21 November 2013 - 01:12 PM

 

49. Do not forget to be sexist. I don't know why us ladies play these games that are so obviously made for guys only.

 

Get back to grand theft kitchen janey - this thread is for males only.

 

:cookie:  :cookie:  :cookie:  :cookie:  :cookie:  :cookie:  - here are the cookies I baked you ;)

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