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  • KyanCyan

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Posted 29 October 2013 - 06:45 AM Edited by KyanCyan, 30 October 2013 - 10:34 PM.

Hi, this is my first story, sorry if it's a bit cliché.





Calvin was born and raised in Los Santos, he lived in a nice cream-coloured house, it was a good size, three bedroom, one bathroom, kitchen, fair-sized living space. He lived with his mum, whom was 42 at the time, and his sister, 24.


He was only 15 at the time, it was a reasonable life.

Until his mother died, and his sister deserted him. Left to fend for himself, he committed petty robberies, car thefts, that sort of thing, until he got enough cash to rent out an apartment.


One day he found, he was running low on cash, so he put on a mask, and went to the nearest Ponsonbys, walking in with a mere Beretta pistol, yelling at the clerk to hand over the money, when he didn't comply, he shot the guy, once, twice, until he fell, and looted him, taking off as the sirens got closer, a few days later, after the heat had died down, he got a knock on his door, some guy named Richard, who had some jobs for him, if he was interested, so of course, being low for cash as Calvin was, he took Richard up on his offer, doing a few jobs, robberies, assassinations, etc.




Calvin was sitting in his apartment, on the couch in his living room, watching some fail comedy show, when he felt the vibration of his phone from his pant-pocket.


He sat up, and withdrew the phone, looking at the screen, he saw the number, and answered.


"Shoot." Answered Calvin,


"Tomas, you up for some work?" asked the gruff voice of on the other end of the line.


Calvin contemplated it, well, it'd be nice to have some spare cash anyway.


"What've you got for me, Richard?"


"Simple assassination, some street hood needs silencing, I won't go into detail as to why, there's a rifle on the roof of an old garage in Grove Street, next to the fuel station, guy should be there around night-time." replied Richard.


Calvin didn't exactly like killing, but it was the easiest way to make money, in his opinion.


"Fine, what's the pay?"


"5G's, good enough for you?"


"Yeah, fine. Consider it done." replied Calvin, hanging up.



Chapter 1



Night had fallen on Los Santos, and Grove Street was deserted, except for a couple of pedestrians, and the Ballas, of course. They smoked and chatted with one another, but there was obvious waryness as the hooded man passed by. This was their territory, and this punk just comes and walks by, they didn't take kindly to strangers, a Balla shouted at Calvin from the other side of the street.


The hooded man was Calvin Tomas, 21, unmarried, no kids. He was an assassin, not a brilliant one, but he got the job's given to him done.


Calvin walked on, making sure the Balla wasn't following him, as he walked up to a building, his eyes found the ladder and he walked over and started climbing, once he was at the top, he looked around and surveyed the street below him.


There, chatting with some Ballas by a liquor store, was the guy Calvin was looking for, illuminated in the light from the store, slightly chubby, blue baggy jeans, grey tank top.


Calvin picked up the sniper-rifle next to him, suppressor attached, and positioned it on the low wall in front of him. looking down the scope and lining up the crosshairs, taking a deep breath for that second of steadiness. One squeeze was all it took, and the rifle gave a little jerk backwards, without waiting to confirm he'd hit, he left the sniper sitting there, as alarmed cries rang out from below, He quickly slid down the ladder, he heard a car pull in below him.


"There! there he is!" shouted a Balla near him, Calvin looked down, seeing the Balla beside the car, he withdrew his Sig Sauer, and fired twice, downing the Balla before he could raise his Micro SMG.


He reached the bottom, and went to get into the car, and then thought against it.


Calvin ran to a wall to his right, just as the fourth shot of the night rang out, aimed at him.


He could hear the ping as the bullet hit the ground next to him. He reached the wall, lunging up and hauling himself over the side, landing on his side, as more shots rang out. Calvin pushed himself up off the ground, running down, toward the La Mesa canal, now there were more shots, and sirens.


Calvin had started to calm down as an officer yells  somewhere behind him. Then Calvin is sprinting, raising his Sig Sauer, and fires back, letting loose four rounds, and by luck, the officer is hit in the leg and falls over in agony.


Calvin dashes to his right, toward the highway. A police cruiser pulls up on the other side of the canal, two officers getting out, and order Calvin to stop, but he pays no heed, and fires at them, no bullets hit, but the cops hide behind their car doors, and fire at him, Calvin hears the bullets strike the ground around him, and then he's blinded by a dazzling white light as a helicopter emerges, the door-gunner letting loose on him with an assault rifle, luckily he's a bad shot.


The two officers run after Calvin, one pauses and fires, missing Calvin by inches.


Calvin reaches the highway, the two officers still in pursuit as he runs up to the barrier, vaulting over it, cars honk and one swerves into another, other people yell at him, Calvin runs up to an old Impala, throwing open the door, and hauling an old man out, apologizing, and speeds off.


Chapter End

Any and all help and advice is appreciated.

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

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Posted 29 October 2013 - 12:43 PM

For your first, it's not bad.

A few things i noticed though:


In the game, whenever I enter the Balla territory, they're eyeing me suspiciously. Such gangs are always fiercely territorial. A stranger walks down their street, they won't ignore him. Most likely they'll challenge him, showing that their territory is theirs. Letting him pass as casually as you've shown doesn't work for me - it's like security saying "No one enters!" and then not doing anything when someone tries.
I think instead, they'd challenge him, telling him to get out of their turf. But hey.


"Calvin picked up the sniper..."
Calvin picked up the sniper rifle. A sniper usually means the man. A soldier. He picks up the RIFLE, which is what the object it. A minor detail, but it's the small things that count.


Credit for saying "suppressor" instead of "silencer" though


Now a quick note about the actual shot. The build up was nice - a good pace to it. Obvious what was coming, but it wasn't rushed and wasn't too strung out.
However, the shot was taken and the event was left behind so quickly. Better to have a sentence where he's taking aim, and taking a deep breath, waiting for the moment.
Then a little more detail over the shot. There feels like a bit missing. He's got the suppressor, which implies he wants to be covert. He takes the shot, and quickly withdraws - even more evidence he doesn't want to be seen. Now consider how such weapons work.
It'd take a moment for people to realise the shot had come, and even longer to work out where it's come from. Even unsuppressed, the crack of a rifle is omnidirectional; it's hard to pinpoint its source. That it's suppressed is even more of an issue - the Ballas would likely be confused "Where the f*ck did that come from!?" They'd turn, but Calvin would already be out of sight.

What I think you're missing is an error on Calvin's part, or a simple "cause/effect". "There he is!" Shouted a Balla - how did he see him? Did Calvin back away too slowly? did someone see him? It seems to contradict the previous efforts (suppressor, backing away etc) for Calvin to remain undetected. Better to take one of two roads:

1 - show the moment where Calvin's seen, and how. Had someone followed him? Had someone just thought 'a stranger, a shot..."?

2 - hammer home the mystery. Have Calvin think he's in the clear, then have hell descend on him. Have him question how he was seen.


What follows is the biggest problem new (and experienced) writers experience.
That is tense. Until now, you've said "Calvin did this, he ran" etc. Next you say "Calvin just starts to calm down. Can you see the error?


The error is: you've mixed tenses.
Past tense: "Calvin ran to a wall on his right"
Present tense: "Calvin just starts to calm down."

Choose which one you want, then ammend it. It's easy to overlook, and a good editing discipline will help avoid this. Read it over, looking for spelling errors. Then read it again, looking for tense and viewpoint issues (the latter being where the "camera" is - is the story 100% through Calvin's eyes? Or like a being wathcing down, seeing everything? - i didn't see too much of a problem with this to be fair), then a final readthrough to check it all again. Patience and experiance. Read others' stories on here, and use them as a practice run, looking for errors, or better yet, what they've done right!


Past tense: "Calvin ran to a wall on his right"

"Calvin had just started to calm down,."


Present tense: "Calvin runs to a wall on his right"

"Calvin just starts to calm down."

I think the former will work better - have everything happen in the "past tense" - he DID this, he ran, he fired... (as opposed to "he does this, he runs, he fires)


The sudden change of tenses is a huge jolt for the reader. All of a sudden it's not as good. I think past tense flows better, but the change is just so obvious when you're reading, it really pulls the reader out.


"The cop must have called for backup"  - i dont think assumption works in the narrative, unless you're going for that sort of narrative style. Calvin thinking this would work, but in this case, an edit is needed imo.

It honestly feels like two people wrote this. The entire thing feels different!

Take a moment and read through it yourself. Read first for tense - is it all in one tense (it's not). Do you want it all in past or present? Edit accordingly.

I think the tense is your biggest problem. Many people will see this and think "newbie, writing a gta v fan fic." and won't even read it, which is a shame, because i think it's good. Needs some work, and if given the chance could be quite entertaining. Feel free to post your thoughts and ask for advice in the Writer's Room (our discussion topic). integrate yourself to the community here, and you'll find yourself improving in no time at all.

Best of luck, lookforward to seeing more.

  • KyanCyan

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Posted 29 October 2013 - 09:12 PM

Thanks for the reply, Mokrie. It was just a little thing I thought up, since I did a similar thing in-game.


I knew something was wrong with the sniper-rifle part, but couldn't quite put my finger on it.

The tense part I hardly even realized was stuffed up, I also did have a nagging to just erase the officer part entirely, as it seemed to me a bit out of place, what with him having to battle Ballas, and then somehow find me immediately after.


Thanks again, now to think up Chapter 2.

  • KyanCyan

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Posted 29 October 2013 - 10:07 PM Edited by KyanCyan, 30 October 2013 - 10:26 PM.

Chapter 2


Calvin turned into the alleyway, and cut the engine, opening the door and stepping out.


It was starting to rain, the water dripped off of the roof above him making small puddles.


He walked a few blocks to the small apartment he rented, it reeked of booze, and there were gang-tags on the walls, he climbed the stairs to level two, and unlocked the door to Room 6.


It wasn't a bad room, better than some, a flatscreen on a shelf to his left, the couch, a nice white one with soft fabric, facing it, the coffee table a wooden one, with a thin glass pane for the middle.


Calvin walked to his bedroom, and got changed into a light grey t-shirt, black jacket, and blue jeans.


He walked out, and there was a knock on the door.


Calvin walked over, and looked through the peep-hole, and then opened it.


The man who entered was dressed in a black coat, grey pants, he was tall, compared to Calvin, who was medium height.


"Here's you're pay, Tomas, lay low for a while, i'll keep in touch." Said the man, his voice was gruff. He handed Calvin $5000, and let himself out.


Calvin counted out the bills, knowing it was all there, didn't hurt to make sure.


He then crossed to the window, looking down into the street, just as the man got into a black Cavalcade and drove off.


After the Cavalcade was out of sight, Calvin moved to the kitchen, it was a nice kitchen, sure, a few dust patches, maybe a little mold in the corners, but otherwise it was good.


Calvin went to open a cupboard and retrieve a beer, when he heard muffled talking, barely audible.


He listened in, leaning toward the wall and turning his head, he could only just understand the person at the other end.


"Team One, secure the apartment, use force if necessary. Team Two, go 'round back and wait for him if he tries to escape via the alleys." Calvin heard footsteps, obviously whoever it was was going down the stairs.


Calvin walked over to his room, and retrieved the SMG hidden there. He then collected the money he had hidden under the kitchen sink.


Calvin could hear them clearer now, obviously just outside the door to his apartment, he positioned himself to the left of the doorway, nearest to the windows, and waited.



S.W.A.T  Officer Jeremy Hacken, Captain, watched as two officers readied themselves at either side of the door to Apartment 6, He himself was up against the wall himself, watching the stairs.


"Flash and clear!" Said the officer closest to Hacken, removing a flashbang from his vest, the other officer quickly opened the door and he threw the flashbang inside, closing the door.


Calvin watched for a second as the grenade-like can was thrown inside, and squeezed his eyes shut, readying his SMG as he did so.


Hacken heard the flashbang go off, and one of the officers kicked the door open, the second officer rushing in, weapon raised, laser on, and readied his own weapon.


Calvin opened his eyes as the first S.W.A.T Officer rushed in, weapon raised, and that weapon was now aiming at him.


In one swift motion, Calvin slapped the barrel of the MP5 away, raising the SMG and firing, the first bullet hit the officer in the leg, the second entered his brain with such force his head knocked back as he fell.


Hacken heard the shots, they weren't from his colleagues MP5, which meant the suspect was armed and had just fired upon him, the second officer followed the first one, and Hacken tensed before following him aswell.


Calvin barely had time register the first officer falling before a second took his place, Calvin shifted aim, firing once, the second officer was hit in the throat, he fell, choking on his own warm blood.


Hacken watched as the second officer died, blood pooling from his wound, and fired as he entered.


Calvin heard the weapon before he saw it, a sharp pain in his gut announced he'd been hit, he shifted aim once more, firing 5 rounds into the doorway.


Hacken didn't have time to dodge, or even shoot again, before three of the 5 rounds peppered him.


Calvin watched as the third officer fell, he didn't know if he was dead or not, but he didn't have time to confirm it, he ran to the hallway, and fired at the window at the end of it, jumping through it and landing on the fire-escape, and hurriedly climbing down, he kept his SMG ready, the other's would be entering the alleyway right about - the bullet whizzed by Calvin, striking the brown brick wall next to him, Calvin took one hand off the ladder, firing in the general direction of the shot.


More shots peppered the wall around Calvin, he finally made it to the bottom and jumped off, taking cover behind a dumpster, bullets struck it, and Calvin lowered his head, he blind-fired, hearing the assailant fall.


Calvin went out from cover, SMG raised, as he saw the S.W.A.T officer clutching his chest, blood already pouring from the wound there, he fired again, ending the officer's life.



The sniper arrived on the rooftop, and quickly set up, he had just aimed down his scope when he saw his colleague fall, clutch his wound, and jerk back as he was fired upon again. The sniper aimed in the direction where his colleague was facing, and after a second of searching, found the suspect, he aimed, took a breath to steady his rifle, and fired.


Calvin heard the shot, and heard the bullet strike somewhere behind him, he scanned the rooftops, there, on the roof of a greenish apartment complex, he raised his pistol, and fired, just as the sniper shot again, barely missing him.


The sniper cursed himself for missing, Twice!

And aimed again, and then saw the guy run towards a blue Bravado Buffalo, the sniper shot the the left-rear tire, pulling back the bolt, releasing the spent case, and pushing the bolt back, he then shot the front-left tire.


Calvin had just reached his car, threw open the door, and hopped inside, when the first S.W.A.T SUV tore out of the corner up ahead, coming to a halt in front of him, he looked back, another SUV had done the same at the rear of him, S.W.A.T Officers jumped out of their SUV's and raised their weapons.


"Son of a b*tch" Calvin murmured to himself, before raising his hands empty, as the officers closed in on him.



Chapter End

I'm making these chapter's just by random things I think up, hope anyone who reads likes it.


Edit: Updated Chapter 1 - 2, hopefully it's better, post you're opinions!

  • AceRay

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 01:57 AM Edited by AceRay, 30 October 2013 - 01:57 AM.

Well, despite my disappointment that this wasn't going to be a Calvin and Hobbes fanfic, it was pretty good but it fell into "He did this, he did that" a bit too often for me. I preferred the more interesting language in the first chapter to be honest. What sounds more interesting?


"Calvin shot the man in the head"


"The gun fired viciously, the bullet firing straight between the policeman's eyes, sending him flying across the table and in a slump in the floor."


A good rule to use is "show, don't tell." Don't tell me that Calvin was whacked into the gun. Describe the impact. Tell me what the character is feeling at that moment, the smells, the sights, the sounds, the shouts from the officers and the gunfire, don't be afraid to use some creative language. It shouldn't read like a Gamefaqs walkthrough.


Also, the fight starts way too quickly and described in a very matter of fact way. I'm sure it was a little bit more intense than "he shot him in the head" There's very little build up to it. We also don't KNOW that much about Calvin as a character and why we should care about him. What's his personality like? What are his goals? In fact, we don't know much about the overarching plot at all, its just this dumbass getting caught. I know you're basically making stuff up but I'm doing the same for Tears of the Vicious and I've got some sort of vague ideas of where I want it to go. Get out a notepad and jot down where you think you can take the series and where you want it to end up. Don't think so far ahead so that you've 150 chapters and seven storyarchs planned out and only ever post two chapters and then give up but at least have some sort of aim in mind.


I encourage you to post another chapter because you definitely have promise. I'm sure Mokrie will post something about grammar as that's his thing.

  • KyanCyan

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 04:45 AM

I get what you mean, AceRay.


I'll look into the writer's resource page, and hopefully build up Calvin as a character more as the story progresses.


As for describing the scenes in more detail, I agree, I myself found it a bit embarrassing when I read it over again, as all it was really was, as you said "He did this, he did that" etc, but I didn't really know how to describe it any better, to be honest.


I'll definitely try to improve upon the scenes.


Plot-wise, I'm not really all that good at planning stuff, I'm more of a go-with-the-flow type of guy.


I'm currently thinking of adding more characters, as that might improve the story, in my opinion.


I'd love to hear what you think about that, and any ideas you (And others) can throw at me would be awesome.


I'll probably improve the current chapters, make them better, or at least a little better.


Appreciate the post, now to think up CH. 3, and how I'm gonna build up Calvin.

  • AceRay

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 09:44 AM

Well, what's really promising is that you've shown an eagerness to continue and to improve in your writing, which is always a good attitude to have when starting out writing. So I look forward to seeing what you can do for Chapter 3. Also, kill the black font for the next chapter, its really unappealing against the grey background.

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 12:12 PM

I'm sure Mokrie will post something about grammar as that's his thing.

Haha, not quite! I just end up falling in there!

Well, what's really promising is that you've shown an eagerness to continue and to improve in your writing, which is always a good attitude to have when starting out writing. So I look forward to seeing what you can do for Chapter 3. Also, kill the black font for the next chapter, its really unappealing against the grey background.

I second this. Don't bother with different fonts or colours. Apart from being hard to read (especially if people set up different skin etc), it looks amateur. Like a girl with fake tits, hair extensions and sh*tloads of makeup - it hides the beauty within!


MY advice is two fold:

1 - Patience. You can write "go with the flow" (which is fine), and just do it - i recommend looking into ONE SHOTS to do this - it's an excellent exercise ! - but oftentimes it's better to take your time. Sit and plan out your story, write it, rewrite, and build your characters up. Set up his backstory. Write a separate file detailing his life and background - where he's from, what he likes, his ancestry etc. Learn your character and do so to the point where you can live them, step into their shoes.
Write a chapter or two, and leave it. A few days, a week, two weeks. Write more chapters or another story. Either way, leave it hidden, then come back to it, with a fresh mind. Then, rip it to shreds. Find the smallest errors, and tear them apart, correct them and improve it. Be harsh to it. If it's not right, change it. Then leave it again a few days/a week and re-read/edit it. Again, as i said, give one readthrough for spelling and grammar, then another for tense and viewpoint etc.

2 - Learn. There are three ways you can do this. 1 - be told how to write, and people here will give you such advice but: 2 - READ. If you want to be a good singer, you have to study singers. If you want to be a good musician, you have to study music. If you want to be a good writer, you have to study writings. Read books and stories (on here, writing forums etc). Read them and ask "why does this work"? Why is it good? Look for things they do - the show don't tell thing for example.
And most importantly: 3 - WRITE. You learn by doing, simply. Write, make mistakes and learn from them. Your previous tense error for example is brilliant - you now know it. Why's that brilliant? You're still learning, so while you're learning, you can simply incorperate correct tense as you do so. I made a similar mistake (with viewpoint i think) but I'd already "learned" (the basics). I had to hammer it into my mind, that I had to be consistent with viewpoint. It's a mistake that , once you've made it and someone's called it, you learn easily enough.
To quote the youtube DJ community, "Practice, and enjoy"

I won't go into grammar, though. Ace has done a great job with his advice, and i think you're set for improvement - if you check your work properly, and keep practicing, you'll have it down in no time!

  • KyanCyan

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 09:18 PM Edited by KyanCyan, 30 October 2013 - 10:36 PM.

Thanks for the replies, guys.


I noticed the black font AFTER I did the chapter, I didn't realize at all, and it was night time, so I just decided "I am NOT re-writing that in the dead of night.".


I am pretty eager, I haven't had much to do lately, so I just decided to do something different for a change.


As for spelling, I'm pretty much my own word-processor, I combed through the second chapter a bit more warily though, after I saw I did make a couple of mistakes.


I love reading, I guess that's how I made a reasonable first story, I read books like no tomorrow, I got a book about a week ago, finished next day.


This might sound a tad weird, but how would I go about adding to Calvin? Add to the first chapter? add a Prologue section detailing him, etc?


Thanks again for the awesome advice, still thinking up CH. 3


ImportantEdit: Added a Prologue to the first Chapter, give me you're opinions, if I should change anything, etc!

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

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    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"


Posted 05 November 2013 - 12:07 PM

The prologue doesn't really help, tbh. It's a list of facts, that you'd be much better giving us in part throughout the story.

Instead of throwing those facts at us, why not try to implement them in the story itself? His origns, his entry to crime, and the big moment where he kills the shopkeeper - these could even be shown through flashback chapters. There'll be a lot of emotion and impact connected with them so why not try to show us that?

At no point should you just have a paragraph saying "when he was 15 he did this, that..." Yawn. You're telling us. Instead, show us, perhaps as i said, in the form of flashbacks, or report in in other things.

"I'm out," Calvin said. Richard glared in reply.
"You're out when I say you are. I need something doing, you do it."
"I don't want to do this forever, Richard."
"But you seemed eager enough when you knocked over that clothes store. You were what, fifteen? Now you think you've grown up?" Richard leaned in, lowering his voice. "I own you. Remember that."

Calvin walked off, head down, tail notionally between his legs. He wished he could go back, find his teenaged self and stop the robbery. A man died needlessly that day, and looking back at it now, Calvin wondered if he had too, in a way. His reflection in the mirror was not what he wanted. He saw a killer. An animal, not a man.

I think that is much more interesting than "when he was fifteen he robbed a store and shot someone"
It implies what we need - about richard knowing - and you can elabourate on that as needed later. Delivering such details in speech and action can be very useful.


As i said, your greatest tool is patience. Keep reading as you do. If you love it, then that's a big advantage. Keep reading, and try to absorb the techniques - see how details and backstories are delivered. See how mysteries are conveyed and how answers are given.
And take you time when writing too. The prologue felt to me like a rushed attempt to tell us about Calvin. Much better to leave the reader wondering - questioning, how did Richard know about it, why did Calvin turn to crime. Of course you need to tell (or show!) us these things, but don't thrown information at us for that end. Think of films and TV - you often see the character holding a locket or broach or something, and there's obvious emotions going on there. The best example i can think of this, off the top of my head, is Series One of Doctor Who (Christopher Eccleston). It's hinted how he's done some bad things. He's the ninth Doctor - why had he regenerated? When. What is this bad thing?
As the series goes on, he explains how his race is gone. There was a war. Hints.
Then later on, you find out


It's not thrown at you in one go, but dotted out, bit by bit. The "Bad Wolf" storyline also is hinted at, coming into focus as the series goes on. Perhaps you can do the same with Calvin's origin; give us nothing more than a question to begin with - make us ask why he's doing this (perhaps having him reluctant to do it would help - he could slowly also become used to it and eventually enjoy it). Then have it all slowly revealed as the story goes on.
Some of Tom Clancy's early works do this well too, bringing everything together. You wonder how X and Y is related, why they're in the same book, and it all comes together.
Keep reading, keep writing, be patient and if you can, plan things out :)

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