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George Crum & The Spiteful Chips

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universetwisters
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#1

Posted 17 October 2013 - 10:15 PM

This here's an assignment I had to do for my writing class, and I thought about sharing it with you guys.

 

One fine day, George Crum was working at a fancy, upscale restaurant where rich yuppies went to eat after playing golf and laying off all their employees. One of these yuppies, Cornelius Vanderbilt, was new in town and decided to stop at the restaurant to try some french fries. Crum worked hard on the fries to please Vanderbilt.

 

A few hours later, the fries were delivered to Mr. Vanderbilt. He took a bite and promptly spat it up all over the floor in disgust. "Send them back", he yelled, "they are too soggy and thick". Crum, in a fit of rage, took the fries back and said "Alright, amigo. How about I make your fries flip friggin' thin!?" He cut them up very thin and fried them over and over again until they were super crispy. He then salted them until he delivered them to Mr. Vanderbilt again. Vanderbilt took a bite from the new fries, and loved them. He left the restaurant very happy and Crum was given a $25 bonus for his good work. The pride was short lived, however, when Crum was fatally struck by a locomotive in 1914, killing him instantly.

 

Crum's contribution to the snack food world may have been out of total spite and anger, but regardless of the origin, potato chips are consumed and enjoyed the world over.

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Ray
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#2

Posted 11 January 2014 - 08:04 AM

Very creative! You are a wonderful writer.
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Mokrie Dela
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#3

Posted 12 January 2014 - 12:40 AM

A rather interesting tale, if a little expositional.
I would rather have seen it played out in real time, like a scene, than a report. I liked the cynical opening, referring to Vanderbilt and his kin as yuppies, certainly helped set up the class difference.

I like the ending too, how my mind was set to anticipate another snobbish moment, but  the flip was welcome.

 

That said, there's very little you brought to this tale. You've taken a supposed origin tale, and just flashed it out. What was the assignment, exactly? I think without knowing that, i can't truly appreciate or critique this, as i don't know what the restrictions were.

Assuming none were in place, I'd like to have seen this as a full-on short, with more scene setting and character. So far it reads like a back handed report in a local paper. Not calling it bad, of course, no no. This sounds absolutely PERFECT for a history show or a cooking show explaining the origin. As an actual creative writing piece, I find myself, much like the customers, i imagine, wanting more.


Ziggy455
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#4

Posted 12 January 2014 - 02:39 AM Edited by Ziggy455, 12 January 2014 - 02:40 AM.

I'd agree with Moke on this one. It seems heavy on exposition as if you're just telling us, and it makes the ending a little less of an enjoyable climax. We understand that this is a cool way to admit the history of potato chips but because you've told us what happened instead of building up a narrative, the final line falls flat. That's not to say it isn't written badly, it's just more explaining what happens instead of showing us what happens and makes the story feel a little hollow. 


Mokrie Dela
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#5

Posted 12 January 2014 - 01:26 PM

That's not to say it isn't written badly,

Indeed. In fact, I think this is very well written. The only problem, as mentioned is how expositional it is. Then again, that might have been the assignment: "Write a report like you'd find in a newspaper." I think at times people forget there is an art to that sort of writing as well as straight prose.
IF such a restriction was in place, then I can't fault it for being expositional (although it can be avoided).


universetwisters
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#6

Posted 13 January 2014 - 11:36 PM

Damn, this assignment was so long ago and I forgot to turn it in :/ I forgot what the assignment was!





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