I can't sleep and I feel like venting.
I'm bombarded with mental illnesses and disorders, many of which are probably still undiagnosed officially, probably because of the poor mental disorder awareness and treatment where I live. But the one I've been diagnosed with is ADHD and bipolar disorder. The psychiatrist gave me medication for those but they were useless and too expensive. I had to spent $100 just to diagnose ADHD alone. So I stopped taking medication as they are too useless and too far out of reach. I'm aware myself that I've got a lot more left. I probably have more learning disabilities than ADHD. High school was a total nightmare. I kept failing classes. Not only has the ADHD prevented me from focusing, but even when I do focus, information is extremely difficult to process in my brain. I've since finished high school and applied for college. Didn't pass engineering school so I just took animation. Easy right? No. I'm still unable to think normally, learn, and many more. In order to create art you have to be able to picture and perceive a lot of things, which I can't no matter how much I try. College is starting up real soon and I'm not sure if I'm able to handle it. These disabilities prevent me to move forward as a person. I've finished high school and I'm not ready for anything ahead of me, money, work, driving, and all that. I'm sure, and seen, kids younger than me that can do stuff that I'll never be able to do and are more ready.
My bipolarity really gets me in a bad state, especially with myself and my parents. I'm possibly also facing autism or some sort of retardation, which I manage to hide and keep despite feeling like myself is about to go crazy any moment. Social anxiety is also a big problem. It's very difficult for me to socialize and keep conversation, no matter how much I step outside my comfort zone and try to steady things. I've failed a lot of people, and relationship. From having people leave me and disappointing them. I also have OCD that gives me seizure attacks every time a certain thought comes in me. This is also why I refused therapy. I can only talk to people around my age and someone I trust, which most therapists here aren't. I just can't. If someone locks me up in a room with one it'd be no different than having to speak on gunpoint. And probably many people I know have mental illnesses too but are still going through and not being diagnosed (like I said, poor mental illness awareness/system) life just says that I should not give in and use my mental illnesses as an excuse to be behind people in life, and work as hard as they do and go through challenges they face even with mental illness pushing back.
That's all I can think about and know right now. I'm sure there are even more that creates a huge barrier in my life. Of course, this all leads down to depression. I really don't know what to do anymore. With all these untreatable mental illnesses and losing everything that makes myself, me, I don't know what to do anymore. Suicide has been on my mind a worrying amount of times these past few months and there's a large chance that I'm going to go through it real soon. Also, being 18 doesn't mean anything at all, doesn't degrade the situation in any way.
I know with my history here people are going to dismiss me as just dumb, lazy and edgy here, but I don't care anymore.