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Moving to a new city is a nightmare

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jln22
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#1

Posted 30 September 2013 - 12:09 PM

Hey guys, the college is about to begin so I had to move to a new city and continue with studies. I moved into a new home and there are living few more people, both girls and boys. So I arrived here yesterday, in fact everyone came yesterday and I haven't met anyone so far.

I don't know if I am explaining it well, I don't know how to explain it, just that I have a huge sadness inside, I feel alone and I am still learning to take care of myself. I am trying to meet new people but I am so shy that I can't even get out of my room. Especially with girls, I feel quite awkward when I talk to them and I can't approach them in any way. It's depressing that I can't get out of my mind right now and that I'm literally about to cry about this situation. I don't know the city and I don't know people who can teach me about places. I don't have college friends (I know, it's first day) and I can't meet people as I said. It's horrible. I don't know what I suppose to do, this problem has hit me really hard and I seem that I can't raise up and be man enough. Just yesterday, I've stayed in my room with the bladder full of pee because I didn't want to go to bathroom and meet the guys who live here. Now I don't go to bathroom and sh*t because I am afraid that it will smell bad in the bathroom and people will creep out. Or even worse, fart while sh*tting would be a disgrace. It's horrible, I want to meet new people, I want to socialize, but I can't get over this fear of meeting them. What the f*ck do I do tomorrow I don't know, when we'll start the college. I am really confused. Someone help me.


Mr. Scratch
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#2

Posted 30 September 2013 - 01:19 PM

Go check out some bars, you'll meet plenty of people there.


jln22
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#3

Posted 30 September 2013 - 01:41 PM

No, you don't get it, I have problems in meeting new people, I can't approach any kind of discussion.


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#4

Posted 30 September 2013 - 01:45 PM

Sounds like a case of social anxiety. However I'm no mental health professional,  so consider seeing one, I'm sure there will be a psychologist on-campus.


jln22
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#5

Posted 30 September 2013 - 01:52 PM

Good hint, too bad I don't know anyone in that college.


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#6

Posted 30 September 2013 - 02:52 PM

I know its difficult for you, but the longer you leave it the harder it will get.  The other people living there will also start to think you are odd or maybe even rude if you are staying in your room all the time and not bothering to come out and say hello (people don't really understand shy people and will often think someone is rude if they don't say much).

So basically as hard as it is going to be for you, go out there right now and say hey, I'm (insert name here) nice to meet you and then just carry on your business.  Break the ice and then each meeting with them will become easier the more you see them and the more you speak to them.

Get over that first hurdle.

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MIGta
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#7

Posted 30 September 2013 - 02:56 PM Edited by MIGta, 30 September 2013 - 02:57 PM.

Oh and the whole toilet issue.  Is there a public toilet nearby you can use instead?

If not, this may surprise you, but everyone has to take a sh*t.  And hey, sometimes its noisy.  People will either hear it and think nothing of it as it happens to everyone or they might give you a bit of a rib about it when you come out.  Best thing to do is just shrug it off.  Say something stupid like, I wouldn't go in there for a while if I were you.  Laugh it off.

 

Cause the thing is if you're going to be living in this situation for a while you need to get over these things sooner rather than later.  Holding off going to the toilet could end up causing health issues or at the very least a lot of discomfort.

 

Good luck dude.

 

Apologies for the double post!

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Kiffster
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#8

Posted 30 September 2013 - 03:40 PM

Agreed with everything MIGta said. Staying in your room all by yourself to avoid other people will only make things worse. At least go out there, forget about what other people might or might not think about you, and just introduce yourself. Say hi how are you, cool enjoy your day, see ya later etc. .

Just don't stay in your room. Go outside and do stuff. Hit the gym, go jogging, whatever. You'll feel better about yourself and boost your confidence, and in doing so, maybe meet some new friends too.

You'll be fine man, don't worry :^:

And for the love of God, go to the bathroom when you need to lol! You do not want to be the guy who walks around with sh*t in his pants, do you? :p Or stand in your own piss because you couldn't hold it in anymore. Just go!!!!
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#9

Posted 30 September 2013 - 07:46 PM

You'll feel fine. There are people who have been social and outgoing ever since they were teenagers. And there are others who are in the same situation as you. There are actually a lot of them. I remember seeing students who looked nervous and scared during my first day of class in college. Some are good at hiding it. One of them became my friend. She told me that she cried in her room alone. She stopped crying when she made new friends. She is enjoying her social life now.

 

I remember being afraid of leaving my parents. My dad sent me to a boarding school deep in the countryside when I was 17. He wanted me to become more independent before college. And he is conservative. He thought that I might get bad influences and be distracted from my studies if I stayed in the city. I remember watching my dad leave me at my tiny boarding school deep in the woods. I was wondering what I was going to do during my free time. After about a month, I started to enjoy the nature. And I liked to watch the numerous stars that I couldn't see in the city because of the bright city lights. I even rode the canoe with my friends after school. The students were almost like family because of the small community (although I witnessed a lot of fights during the first few weeks).

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Mr. Scratch
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#10

Posted 30 September 2013 - 08:45 PM

Why do you think I mentioned a bar? The booze is going to lower your anxiety.

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#11

Posted 30 September 2013 - 10:41 PM

I'll be moving to a new city I'm totally unfamiliar with when I graduate


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#12

Posted 30 September 2013 - 11:30 PM

You should just say "Hey" when someone looks at you, simple enough.

ALso workout, that'll help your self esteem a lot. However aside from that i couldn't be bothered to really help you further.


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#13

Posted 30 September 2013 - 11:35 PM

Face your fears. Always nice when you come out alive.




I'm a natural extrovert that loved moving around in my day, so I really can't offer any real advice.

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#14

Posted 01 October 2013 - 12:46 AM

Take advantage of the situation if it's an interesting town by going out and feeling a little free. I don't know how your home town is but a lot of us still living in the place we were born at would definitely love to get out and see a new place for once.

 

After getting out a lot, start to adapt more to the presence of people and become more comfortable and accepting of all the company. All I can honestly suggest is adapt and push yourself further in achieving peace with the anxiety. :ph34r: :ph34r:

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jln22
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#15

Posted 01 October 2013 - 06:15 PM

First day of college, I was anxious on my way up to university, found the classroom after searched for it a few times and then I sit near a girl, especially when I saw a bench full of guys, I was thinking what the f*ck, am I suppose to get used to girls and beat this fear off or I'll be a nerd like before. I met the girl, talked few things, I still suck at having an interesting conversation with strangers and with people in general, so I just pretended that I'm getting ready for the class. Then another girl, good-looking one, sit near me. I met her as well and chatted a bit, during the course we were playing x and 0 lol, she was quite a cool girl. I wanted to pick her number, but at the end of the class I started feeling sick, I was like vomiting, I haven't ate anything a day before and in the morning I forced to eat a cheese sandwich. Also, was constipated and I couldn't sh*t ffs. I think I triggered panic attacks because I feared that I might f*cking puke instead of 100 people and I'd make myself sh*t just in the first day. I opened Facebook on the phone, totally missed the rest of the course and totally forget to ask that girl for her number. Damn and she was so cute, her first name was similar to mine lol. Then I almost ran to a local store to buy something to eat, 'cause I was feeling sh*t, my stomach would hurt like hell and I had like a whole in my abdominal area. Went to the next course, with a small group of people, entered the class like I was f*cking nowhere lol, no hi, no sh*t, sat in a bench with a nerd and I thought that I should eat. So I didn't, I was fearing that people might switch their attention on me while I'd eat, because of noise and that makes me go f*cking anxious. That hour I felt horrible as well, stomach pains, ughh. Bad, bad day. I was thinking to skip the next course and go home, but then I thought like... f*ck it, I'm eating, I don't f*cking care anymore, I won't suffer because of that. Then I started to feel better, tried to ask for people's name, a girl asked for my phone, but she did it to everyone, so it's not a big deal lol. After classes, I went with some classmates, both girls and boys to a local pub and drank a beer, still feeling sh*t because of my stomach (basically I ate two cheese sandwiches yesterday and today until now). Per overall, tried to socialize with people, doing my best efforts, I want instant results but I know I won't get them instantly. Finally managed to go to bathroom when I arrived home and now I ate something, even if I didn't felt like eating, I wasn't hungry, but I forced myself a bit and now my stomach feels better. I was probably giving lots of details lol, I couldn't include some of them because I can't speak English properly, my grammar is a bit f*cked as well but I hope you get it. Also, could you guys give me some advices about how to keep talking and talking and talking in a conversation with a stranger? And how I am supposed to make the convo interesting.


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#16

Posted 01 October 2013 - 06:42 PM

Why do you think I mentioned a bar? The booze is going to lower your anxiety.

 

That's hardly going to solve anything. Most people don't just approach strangers for a conversation in a bar. He would still have to approach random people in an attempt socialize, which can be extremely difficult. At least if he was speaking with some of his roommates or fellow classmates, he could identify with their common identity and core of experience.

 

jln22, you're doing a great job for even trying and getting some success out of it. Try talking to that girl again. Once you even share a passing glance with someone, let alone a conversation where you exchange names, it's almost impossible for them to feel uneasy when you approach them again. As soon as someone is no longer a stranger, so many barriers come down.

 

Let me tell you as a student what the easiest conversation starter is. After class, you can approach damn near anyone and ask them, "so how are you feeling about this class?" or "what do you think of this class so far?" Especially if it's a difficult course, people are VERY happy to answer a question that gives them the ability to vent frustration or feel that they aren't alone in their confusion. Just the same, if they really like the course, they'll probably be happy to share their excitement with you. In all cases, give your honest opinion, but try to sympathize with theirs. If it's hard for them but easy for you, say that it's easy for you, but things like that are and name the subjects you're not good at. If it's hard for you and they enjoy it, say that you aren't really getting it and give a specific example.

 

From there, just let the conversation flow. You can talk about your majors, interests, hometowns, and all other banter under the Sun. The number one rule is to be yourself; don't pretend that you know or feel anything that you don't. People prefer others be genuine, and if you manage to create a friendship, you will eventually have to drop the act and it will be awkward. However, the corollary to that number one rule is that you should use tact. Don't constantly ramble on about yourself; don't share anything deeply personal or that kills the mood unless it's the answer to something specifically asked to you. Don't get too friendly or excited, just be nonchalant, but interested.

 

Hopefully that helps. Above all, don't sweat it. Talking to other humans can seem hard, but remember that everyone has their own fears, anxieties, and troubles. You're not the only one suffering from deep problems. Even that cute girl you were talking to has some trauma that affects her today. She isn't a perfect social specimen, so don't think that you should be. The moment you accept that everyone is as human as you is the moment you break free of being scared to talk to strangers.


jln22
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#17

Posted 02 October 2013 - 03:27 PM

Thanks for hints guys, already doing better even though the stomach pains made my day harder.


jln22
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#18

Posted 07 October 2013 - 05:25 AM

Okay, even though I feel better around strangers, I still find it hard to make good friends, or that's my impression.

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#19

Posted 07 October 2013 - 05:42 AM

It's not even been a week. How the hell do you think you'll make good friends in a week? Friends are easy to make, good friends are the ones that last over the years. You're unlikely to become good friends with someone over a couple of days. Give it time.

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jln22
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#20

Posted 07 October 2013 - 05:47 AM

Well at least someone to hang out with. I have two friends to hang out with, but I can't just call them everyday to go and drink a beer or something, they'll get pissed.


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#21

Posted 07 October 2013 - 09:16 AM

You sound like you're making strides in the right direction. Keep at it and be patient, also if you want to go for a beer with your friends take the initiative and ask them. There's nothing wrong with that when you first start at College man.

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jln22
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#22

Posted 07 October 2013 - 01:52 PM

Haha, patience is my weak point, I want to make everything work in a short amount of time and when it doesn't happen, I easily give up on that objective.


jln22
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#23

Posted 30 October 2013 - 03:02 PM

So it's been almost a month since I moved to this city, things start to sort out. I can't say I am too disappointed with what I have, but some of my ex-classmates in highschool said they are doing great in their respective cities and that they already had parties and such while I didn't lol. Last night talked to a guy who lives next to my door and he said he's in the same situation as me, there are less than 10 guys in his study group and most of them don't even hang out. He said he's got a few girls calling him to hang out which would be okay for me if I had that because I might just take my time and feel more comfortable around them. That's probably my biggest issue right now, the girlfriend. Oh along the feeling of awkward all the time I am in an uncomfortable situation. Even when I walk on the street I feel really awkward and sh*t and I think it's being seen on my body language.


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#24

Posted 30 October 2013 - 04:38 PM Edited by theadmiral, 30 October 2013 - 04:39 PM.

Consider some sort of club, sport, or social activity. Or, as the other poster mentioned, if it is your cup of tea, hit the bars. You'll find people with common interests soon enough.

 

If you are really worried about fouling up the bathroom, you probably should not be living with roommates and I mean that with all due respect.

 

You can always pull the "flush as soon as the initial package hits the water" technique , make sure to leave the fan on, and use air freshener.

 

If men are sharing bathrooms with men, no one should care about this. And if it is women you are worried about, don't worry - There are some that can foul up a bathroom with the best of them.

 

Awkward about what? You are in school studying, just go about your business and at the end of the day don't worry about how others view you. It is probably in your head anyway.


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#25

Posted 30 October 2013 - 05:55 PM

Your life is hilarious.


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#26

Posted 30 October 2013 - 06:23 PM

Your life is hilarious.


You are not

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#27

Posted 30 October 2013 - 08:58 PM Edited by RockstarFanboy, 30 October 2013 - 08:59 PM.

So it's been almost a month since I moved to this city, things start to sort out. I can't say I am too disappointed with what I have, but some of my ex-classmates in highschool said they are doing great in their respective cities and that they already had parties and such while I didn't lol. Last night talked to a guy who lives next to my door and he said he's in the same situation as me, there are less than 10 guys in his study group and most of them don't even hang out. He said he's got a few girls calling him to hang out which would be okay for me if I had that because I might just take my time and feel more comfortable around them. That's probably my biggest issue right now, the girlfriend. Oh along the feeling of awkward all the time I am in an uncomfortable situation. Even when I walk on the street I feel really awkward and sh*t and I think it's being seen on my body language.

I'm going through a really similiar situation... you seem to have social anxiety which I also have and the worst you can do is avoiding social contact...trust me, I did that before going to college... 1-2 months without any social interaction (besides stuff like skype or so)... worst idea ever specially adding to the fact that I have SA... I wasn't able to talk much and people avoided me because I was boring (since I didn't say anything)... 

 

A tip I can give you is never show your social anxiety... when people aproached me I started feeling a bit too comfortable and a lot of people started noticing that something was wrong with me... and when that happens, things start going downhill quickly... so all I can advise you is show confidence, even if you don't have it, show it.. you are not obliged to tlak to anyone, but whenever you need to go to the toilet or go to the kitchen, just get out of the room with confidence and show that you have no fears, sooner or later a guy (or a girl ^^) might aproach you

 

I don't have the same luck as you since most of the people I have social contact with is guys, and some of them be real dicks (specially if you show your weaknesses like the social problem), luckily in my case, in 2 months I'm changing courses so I'll meet new people, and if I learned something from the past weeks is

 

- Never show your weaknesses or act like you are afraid to talk

- Never be too nice (some may disagree but as a guy, being too nice is not the best idea, people might take advantage of you or treat you like their little bitch)

 

So just go out there and show that you are man (I know that talking is easy but if someone like me can handle himself, I'm certain you can too) and remember that this is just beginning, I'm sure a lot of great stuff will happen to you


jln22
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#28

Posted 31 October 2013 - 07:00 AM

Yeah you too man.




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