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We Are The Ravers

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universetwisters
  • universetwisters

    THIS ONE GOES OUT TO ALL THE RAVERS IN THE NATION.

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#1

Posted 28 August 2013 - 10:38 PM Edited by universetwisters, 21 September 2013 - 09:34 PM.

This story contains vulgar ravers doing vulgar activities. If you are offended by any of this, close the window and do something else

Chapter 1 (Right Here)
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

Chapter 5

 

Chapter 6

Chapter 7



We Are The Ravers





Black smoke filled the early morning air as the two drivers staggered out of their van, which has been ran up a tree. Both of the drivers tried to make a run for it as a black sports bike stopped next to the van. The rider of the bike got off and fired his gun at the van’s fleeing occupants. The rider, after killing the occupants, turned his attention to what was inside the van. He opened the rear doors and quickly looted the contents of the rear of the van, stuffing them into a duffel bag and quickly speeding away on his bike, back into the darkness of the night. This caught the attention of a tall, lanky young man who lived in a nearby apartment building. He was going to the kitchen to procure some potato chips and soda when he saw the scene unfold through the apartment window.

The man’s name was Jamie. Jamie had long brown hair and had a habit of wearing track pants and a homemade black vest with a giant smiley face printed on the back, which was the universal symbol of Happy Hardcore, his preferred music of choice. Jamie shrugged off the criminal act he witnessed and searched through the cabinet for some potato chips. Jamie simply didn’t care about the robbery he witnessed, let alone anything that didn’t personally benefit him. After rummaging through the cabinets to no avail, he turned to his best friend, Alex, who was playing video games in the nearby living room and called out to her:

“Yo Alex!” called Jamie.
“What?” replied Alex.
“We’re out of chips-“
“What?”
“We’re out of f*cking chips!”
“What’re you gonna do about it!?”

“I don’t know…” replied Jamie. Jamie quickly thought of a reply. After waiting for a few seconds, he finally came up with one.
“Give me some money to go down to the store and get some, yeah?”
Alex looked at Jamie for a few seconds before Jamie called back to her.
“You f*ckin’ deaf? Get me some cash so I can go down to the store and get some-“
“I’m going with you-“
“Why!?”
“I don’t trust you with my money!”

Alex then got up, set the controller down on the coffee table that was cluttered with magazines and drug paraphernalia, and retrieved the wad of cash from her back pocket. She and Jamie then headed out the door of their apartment to the nearby corner store to stock up on the chips.

Alex, regardless of the weather, always thought it was cold. She would put on a flannel hoodie and warm sweatpants to go alongside her necklaces, bracelets, and other “kandi” accessories. She was always the leader since she was a child, telling people where to go and what to do, which followed her to her adult years with Jamie. Funnily enough, Alex was just like Jamie. They were both ravers, they were both self centered, and they were both vulgar. They were vulgar to others, they were vulgar to people’s possessions, and oddly enough, they were vulgar to each other. They didn’t care much about it, though.

The sun was slowly rising over the buildings as Alex and Jamie walked down the sidewalk on the way to the store. The sidewalk was deserted, aside from our heroes and a few parking meters. Alex and Jamie walked with their hands in the pockets, having nothing to say to one another. They’re the best of friends, seeing as they do everything together, have the same interests, and even live together. However, they rarely have anything to say to one another. Suddenly, a lanky man wearing a trenchcoat and ball cap emerged from an alleyway, gun in hand, and threatened Alex and Jamie for their money. Before he could finish his sentence, Alex tightened her fist and swung at the robber’s head, knocking him to the ground. Alex and Jamie quickly began to kick the robber as they yelled vulgar obscenities at him, mainly derivatives of the word “c*nt”. The robber then got up and ran away, leaving his gun behind. Jamie picked up the gun and examined it with Alex.

“Dumb f*cker left his gun behind”, Jamie stated.
“No sh*t, Sherlock”, Alex replied as she snatched the gun out of Jamie’s hands and examined it as they continued their walk to the store. The gun was what only could be described as a “Saturday Night Special”, with a short stubby barrel and small grip. The gun had a sleek silver finish with a black grip. After looking it over, Alex decided she didn’t want a gun that small, and gave it back to Jamie in the hopes that she would get something better. Jamie put the gun back in his back pocket as the two friends continued their silent walk to the store.

They arrived at the store right as it was opening. They wandered the aisles for chips, beer, frozen pizzas, and other delicacies that a couple of antisocial young adults like them indulge themselves in. They then took their picks and made their way to the cashier, who was a devout Australian immigrant, which could be shown by the giant sun hat he wore, the Australian flag hung up behind him, and “Down Under” playing on repeat all day in the store. As to why an Australian immigrant would open up a store in Michigan is anybody’s guess, but he sold what Alex and Jamie needed, and that’s all that mattered to them. He rung up their purchases as Alex checked her watch and Jamie browsed through the nearby magazine rack. He found a pornographic magazine depicting a very hairy man having a three-way with Siamese twins and a wolf. Jamie then sets the magazine back on the rack as the cashier addresses Alex in his thick Australian accent.

“That’ll be seventy-three dollars and six cents”, the cashier states. Alex pulls out the wad of cash she took with her and counts it briefly before conversing with the cashier.
“Aw sh*t,” groaned Alex, “I only have twenty bucks.”
“Well you’re either going to have to get rid of the forty-two pizzas, fifty-nine bags of chips, or twenty cases of beer, mate.” The cashier stated. After weighing her options to either put away the food and go hungry or take the food and run, Alex turns to Jamie and quickly called out to him before making her move.
“You take the pizza and chips, I’ll take the beer!”
Alex and Jamie quickly gathered up all the contents they planned to buy and hurried out the door, with the Australian shopkeeper running behind them, cursing angrily. The sun had not quite risen yet, but the darkness was not all gone. There were some people on the streets, just not as many. Jamie and Alex ran down the sidewalk, clutching their items as they ran around people and other street-side obstacles. Suddenly, they came across a main road that they had to run across in order to get back to their apartment. They were about to run across it until they noticed a large semi truck barreling down the road. They had to think quickly, to either stay where they were and be beaten senselessly by the shopkeeper, or take a chance and run across the street. They hesitantly chose the latter, barely being hit by the truck. The shopkeeper, however, wasn’t so lucky. He was turned into an pancake as Alex and Jamie hurried back home.

With beer in one hand and pizza in the other, the two friends reflected on their day so far while watching repeats of “Red Dawn” on public television.
 

New part coming soon, stay tuned

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Mr.Scratch
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#2

Posted 29 August 2013 - 10:13 AM

Ha, love it. Now write some more!

universetwisters
  • universetwisters

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#3

Posted 31 August 2013 - 01:22 AM

Chapter 2

With help from VF94



With a pizza in one hand and the remote in the other, Alex surfed through the channels as her friend Jamie hunched over a bong on the other side of the couch. Aside from infomercials for cleaning products and a poorly-made children’s program featuring talking trains, there was nothing on. Alex finally decided to put on the local news to see if anybody she knew died. The news clicked on as Alex reclined back into the couch and reached for Jamie’s bong. Alex took the bong and sucked it in as Jamie reached for a pizza that was dangerously lying on the coffee table. Jamie and Alex both leaned back on the couch, both high as a kite, trying to pay attention to the news as opposed to the pink elephants in their minds. After the weather report, the newsman came on to talk about the news.

“Breaking news out of Ann Arbor as an armored van was robbed at gunpoint and the two occupants shot and killed in the early morning hours…”

Jamie turned to Alex, who was equally stoned as him

“Hey amigo,” stammered Jamie, “I saw that earlier today”.

“Bullsh*t”, stated Alex, who was more interested in the leprechaun playing fisticuffs with George Zimmerman in the corner of their apartment rather than what Jamie was telling her.

“…the police currently have no leads and a ten thousand dollar reward has been posted for the capture of the armed robber”, the newsman concluded before moving onto a story about budget cuts. After the tidbit of good news, Jamie dropped his pizza and turned to his friend.

“Hey, you hear that?” exclaimed Jamie. Alex took no notice, being more preoccupied with her bong and her magical fantasy world. Fed up with being ignored, Jamie hit the bong out of her hands. Alex turned to Jamie in disgust as the bong shattered on the ground.

“Hey, cocksucker, what the f*ck’s your problem!?” reprimanded Alex.

“You hear what went down with the news?” asked Jamie.

“No, f*ck the news.”

“Well then f*ck you!”

“f*ck you!”

“f*ck you!”

They continued their pointless drivel for a little while longer until there was a loud banging at the door. Jamie and Alex both froze as the banging on the opposite side of the door became more thunderous than before. Jamie and Alex both panicked as they tried to hide the rest of the paraphernalia from their quarters, fearing that the knocking came from the police. Finally, Alex and Jamie mustered up the courage to answer the door. They opened the door slowly, and to their surprise, no policemen were at the door, nor were there Jehovah Witnesses or girl scouts selling cookies. Rather, it was an old lady with a walker.

“What the f*ck is all this noise!?” said their elderly neighbor, yelling as loud as her old dusty lungs could, “I thought I told you little sh*ts to pipe the f*ck down-“

Before she could say any more, Alex closed the door on her as they retreated back to their couch and turned the news back on. The newsman was saying some more stuff about the robbery that happened outside their apartment a few hours ago. Alex turned to Jamie to ask him something.

“You saw that robbery, right?” asked Alex.

“Yeah. What about it?” asked Jamie.

“Aren’t they having some kind of reward for him?”

“Yeah”.

“How much?”

“Ten thousand bucks”.

Alex’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.

“Holy sh*t, that’s a lot of money just for some dude.” Alex proclaimed.

“I know, right?” responded Jamie, before finishing with a stoner-esque laugh. After he laughed, Alex took the Saturday Night Special she stole from the mugger earlier that morning and examined it, opening the chamber and looking down the barrel numerous times before turning to Jamie.

“Wanna go after him?” asked Alex, trying to keep a serious look despite being more stoned than somebody who wears jeans in Saudi Arabia. Jamie turned to him, red in the eyes, trying not to crack up laughing.

“What?” Said Jamie, eventually bursting out laughing.

“Lis-listen, amigo…” Alex said, trying to collect her thoughts, “if we get this dude and give him to the cops, that ten-thousand dollars are ours, we can split it fifty-fifty…and…and…uh…”

Alex though on what to do with the money, before Jamie interrupted her.

“Drugs and techno?”

“Drugs and techno!” replied Alex in amusement.

The two friends, after sobering up, rushed outside and down the stairs, eventually running into their parking lot to their automobile to begin their adventure. They approached their vehicle, which they dubbed the “sh*twagon”, and for good reasons. The sh*twagon was an old Volvo station wagon that Alex’s parents gave her when they found a better car for themselves. The sh*twagon had a plywood spoiler, cardboard side skirts, and a roll cage made out of PCP pipe. Even worse was the paintjob, which has been covered with graffiti mentioning obscure Happy Hardcore songs, along with a used dildo they bought at a thrift store for three dollars as a hood ornament. After using both hands to turn the key and duct-taping the door shut, they began on their adventure to bring a criminal to justice. After backing up over a speedbump at 31 miles an hour, they sped out of the parking lot at a dangerously high speed; they put the radio on and began singing along to it.

“Life’s like a dance, life’s like a dance! Show me, show me the way to go! “

They sped down the road as the banged their heads and violently punching the air, barely missing other cars on the road. After swerving in and out of traffic, they arrived at their destination: a fancy hotel. The car screamed into the parking lot, crashing into a group of shrubs to slow down their three-ton metal deathtrap down to a halt. They calmly exited the sh*twagon as a group of onlookers looked at the wreck. Alex and Jamie didn’t care about the sh*twagon, though. They knew that once they get the reward money, they’ll be able to afford a better sh*twagon. Maybe one that even works. As they walked into the hotel, Alex and Jamie talked about their plan.

“So, amigo, what’s the plan?” asked Jamie.

“f*cking easy,” said Alex, “We go up to the top floor of this here fancy-ass yuppie hotel, find him, beat his ass, take him to the police station, get our money, and live happily ever after”.

“You know he’s gonna be here?”

“Yeah.”

“At the top?”

“f*ck yeah, just like all those other rich dudes you see on TV.”

They entered the hotel and looked around. The hotel was empty, except for the lady at the desk. Alex and Jamie walked up to the woman to ask her some questions.

“Yo, c*nt,” said Jamie, “we’re looking for that rich f*cker who robbed that armored car, heard he was scratching around here, yeah?”

The woman gave Jamie and Alex a strange look, and before they knew it, they were violently thrown out the door by a burly security guard. They didn’t go quietly, though, as they were screaming out vulgar obscenities as they were being thrown out. After picking themselves back up from the ground, they noticed a side door for deliveries, and they seized the opportunity. They made it through the door and were trying to find an elevator to get up to the top floor. After wandering around the halls, they were lost.

“Looks like we’re lost.” stated Alex.

“Hey, what about that dude over there? He might know where-“

Alex cupped her hand over Jamie’s mouth and dragged him behind a nearby wall. Alex peeked out from the corner and noticed that the man Jamie was talking about was another security guard, making his rounds to make sure people like Jamie and Alex didn’t find their way into such a posh and luxurious hotel like this. Jamie turned to Alex and motioned for her to stay put as Jamie confronted the security guard. Jamie pulled out the pistol from his back pocket and turned the corner, sprinting at the guard and yelling like a banshee. When the guard finally got wind of what was going on, it was too late, as Jamie tackled him to the ground and was beating him with the grip of the gun. Jamie beat him for at least a good ten seconds before Alex emerged from the corner and convinced Jamie to continue their search.

Eventually, they found an elevator. They entered it, pressed the button labeled “Top Floor”, and got ready. As the door closed in front of them and they ascended to the top, they began to speculate about the future.

“How do you reckon this’ll turn out?” asked Jamie.

“Just like in the games, amigo,” Alex said, “We wave the gun around, convince him to come with us, turn him in, and leave very rich”.

“But what if he’s got guns?”

“What do you mean-“

“I mean, what if he’s got guns and tries to shoot at us?”

Alex didn’t say anything and thought for a good few seconds. She overlooked one of the most threatening factors regarding the criminal’s capture. As she shuffled through thoughts, Jamie continued talking.

“I mean f*ck, he took down all those guys this morning, what makes you think he won’t take us down too?”

“Hey, we’re good at Call Of Duty, we should be able to take this down.”

“f*ck yeah, we are!”

They both bumped fists as the elevator doors opened. Jamie pulled out the pistol and was at the ready to fire as Alex knocked on a nearby door. A scraggly, hairy man in his underwear opened the door. Alex and Jamie could see a sleeping prostitute on the bed behind him. Alex cleared her throat and addressed the man on the other side of the door.

“Yo, were you the dude who held up that van earlier today?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about; I’ve been here all night with Cheryl. Isn’t that right, Cheryl?” the man proudly proclaimed as he turned back to the prostitute, looking for a response.

“All night and not a single cent yet-“ the prostitute said, before being interrupted by the man.

“I’ll pay you when I’m done with you!” the man violently said, before slamming the door on Alex and Jamie. Alex and Jamie shrugged and continued the process throughout the entire top floor of the hotel, knocking on doors and asking the occupants the same question, before they found the last door they hadn’t knocked on. They knew for sure that this was the one, so Jamie readied his gun as Alex knocked on the door. The door creped open a few inches, before being slammed shut. Jamie and Alex both knew they had their man. Jamie began kicking at the door as Alex yelled to the robber on the other side.

“Hey, robber c*nt! Me and my amigo are gonna turn you out to the cops and when you’re being someone’s shower bitch, me and him’ll be kicking it in Rotterdam!”

“Yeah!” Jamie said in enthusiasm as he kicked the door one last time before it swung open. Jamie raised his pistol, ready to paint the walls red, with Alex right behind him. They entered the room and looked around. They couldn’t find anything, as the room was spotless. No sign of anybody, or anything out of the ordinary for that matter. Alex and Jamie were about to leave in shame, when the robber jumped from the ceiling and fell onto both of them, before running out of the room, wearing a large duffel bag. Alex and Jamie quickly picked themselves up and were hot on his tail. Alex and Jamie were yelling vulgar obscenities at him as he dashed down the hallway, making his way into the elevator.

“He’s in the f*cking elevator, shot him!” cried Alex.

“But don’t the pigs want him alive!?” asked Jamie.

“Well shoot him in the legs, or dick, or whatever!”

Jamie raised the pistol and began shooting. Jamie shot everything. He shot the walls, he shot the floor, he shot the ceiling, and he shot all the doors. He shot everything but the robber, who successfully made it into the elevator.

“f*ck!” yelled Jamie and Alex, almost simultaneously. Alex then noticed something shining on the ground in front of her, which turned out to be a Micro Uzi submachine gun that must’ve fell out of the robber’s bag. She picked it up as she called out to Jamie.

“Take the stairs, it’s quicker!”

Jamie and Alex rushed down the stairs, guns in hand, ready to make an appearance as they reached the bottom floor for the hypothetical confrontation with the robber. After they rushed down the ten flights of stairs, panting and nearly out of breath, they walked into the front lobby, and to much of their disgust, found the robber entering a taxi. They sprinted out of the hotel quickly looked around, planning their next move.

“To the sh*twagon!” cried Jamie.

Jamie and Alex ran over to the sh*twagon, which was still parked in the bushes, backed it out, and swung it onto the street. The chase was on.

Mr.Scratch
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#4

Posted 31 August 2013 - 10:10 AM

Glad you changed the old lady's dialogue, and I'm going to trademark the sh*twagon. biggrin.gif

universetwisters
  • universetwisters

    THIS ONE GOES OUT TO ALL THE RAVERS IN THE NATION.

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#5

Posted 31 August 2013 - 11:12 PM

Chapter 3



The sh*twagon sped down the street as the two occupants banged their heads to blaring Dutch techno music. But this wasn’t any ordinary drive. They were chasing after the armed robber, who fled the hotel in a taxi. Jamie and Alex were hot on their tail. Alex was in the driver’s seat, commandeering the sh*twagon, as Jamie had a chronic fear of driving. Nobody knows how he got to be so scared of driving. As such, Jamie was in the passenger seat, examining the Uzi submachine gun Alex obtained from the Robber’s bag. After looking over it, he turned to Alex.

“This thing work?” asked Jamie.

“f*ck if I know.” said Alex.

“Keep this thing steady-“

“What?”

“Keep it steady! Keep the sh*twagon steady-“

“No!”

“Why!?”

“I’m gonna lean out the window and shoot the dude’s cab, you know, like in the movies-“
“No!”

“Why the f*ck not!?”

“We need this guy alive!”

“Fine, I’ll shoot at the wheels or some sh*t.”


Jamie stuck his upper body out the window, using his one hand to grab onto the roof rack and the other to grip the gun. He took aim and once the taxi was in view, he opened fire. Jamie hit everything but the car. The taxi was about to cross the street until an old woman with a walker emerged from behind a row of parked cars, about to cross the street. The old woman was Jamie and Alex’s neighbor who reprimanded them for the loud noise earlier that morning, and she was walking over to the police station to fill out a complaint, as Alex foolishly left QVC on full volume before they left. The taxi slammed on its breaks, stopping straight in front of the old lady. The old lady, appalled, picked up her walker and slammed it on the hood as she yelled at the driver.

“You piece of sh*t, back in my day you would’ve been drowned at birth!”

The impact of the walker on the car’s hood was large enough to set off the airbag. The driver was engulfed by the airbags and suffocated. The robber, fed up with the poor service, decided to leave the cab. As he was exiting the cab, the sh*twagon pulled to the side of the road as Alex and Jamie stepped out right as the door to the taxi swung open and the robber stepped out. The robber’s eyes met Alex and Jamie’s, and their eyes met the robber’s. After looking at each other for a few seconds, Alex made a statement to the robber.

“Hey, stay all cool and sh*t, we just wanna take you in!” yelled Alex.

“No!” yelled the robber.

“Get him, amigo.” Alex said to Jamie. Without further hesitation, Jamie ran up to the robber, yelling like a madman. The robber tried to run away, but the paunchy 40-something was no match for the scrawny 20-something. Jamie tackled the robber, held his pistol by the barrel, and beat the robber half to death. The robber was clinging onto an inch of his life by the time Alex and Jamie turned him in. After they got the money, they walked down the street, wondering about what to spend their money on

“Woah, this is a lot of money, amigo.” Said Jamie.

“Hell yeah!” said Alex “Twenty thousand motherf*cking bucks.”

“Problem is, what’re we gonna spend twenty thousand motherf*cking bucks on?”

Before they knew it, they were cruising down the nighttime streets in a Toyota Supra, with a proper bodykit that wasn’t held together by loose nails and duct tape. The streetlights reflected off the paintjob as the two parked up on the side of the road, right in front of a nightclub called “Necto”. Jamie and Alex stepped out and walked into the club. As they walked through the club, they felt confident in their status, now that they were rich. So what if they spent fifteen thousand on the car, they both had five thousand to their names. They shuffled through the people, not as a duo of dirty gabbers, but as a crew of clean-cut socialites. As they walked through the club, Alex noticed something out of the corner of her eye; Dr. Gonzo, A 300 pound half crazed Samoan with long greasy hair, a mustache and a penchant for psychedelic drugs. Dr Gonzo was also their main drug supplier and lawyer. Alex and Jamie called over to him and after he waved over to them, they made their way towards his booth at the other side of the club. He was drinking fine wine and snorting fine cocaine. Alex and Jamie both sat across from him as he was finishing up a line of coke. After he finished the line, he raised his head and found two of his best clients.

“Jamie! Alex! How goes it!?” exclaimed Mr. Gonzo.

“Real f*cking neato, Mr. Gonzo.” Said Alex.

“Hell f*cking yeah, man. We put this robber dude down, and now we’re rich!” Jamie stated, before laughing hysterically.

“Ah…I knew you two would make it big, ever since I first defended the two of you back in high school after you were caught holding that rave in the lunchroom.”

“Yep.” Said Alex, looking back on the memories.

“And then that time when you guys attacked that Croatian tourist for drug money-“ Recalled Mr. Gonzo.

“Uh-huh.” Said Jamie, nodding his head.

“And then just last month-“

“Listen,” interrupted Alex, “We appreciate all you’ve done for us and sh*t like that, and we’ll be calling on you for many, many, many more years to come, but look. We may be rich, but we aren’t high yet. Think you can help us out with our…problem?”

“Sure thing, my top clients!” Laughed Mr. Gonzo, before putting a large briefcase on the table and opening it up. “What’ll you have?”

“Two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls.” Proclaimed Alex proudly, knowing she was rich enough to afford it as she handed Mr. Gonzo her money. Mr. Gonzo then turned to Jamie to see what he wanted.

“I’ll just take some uppers-“ said Jamie, before being interrupted.

“As your attorney I advise you two to buy these drugs.” Sputtered Mr. Gonzo.

Jamie agreed and gave Mr. Gonzo his money. As Mr. Gonzo got their purchase ready, he began talking about a quest.

“Or you could go hunt f*cking bigfoot.” Rambled Mr. Gonzo.

“Bigfoot? What about bigfoot?” asked Jamie.

“Bigfoot, he roams the woods out around the back of my trailer. He’s killing all my flowers and just last night, he raped my grill. If you guys wanna take him out, I’ll pay you good-“

“Now hold up.” Asked Alex, “What’re we being paid in?”

“Even more drugs!”

Alex and Jamie’s faces both lit up.

“We’ll do it!” They both said unanimously.

They both put the blotters on their tounges and took a swig of rum to wash it down, and before they knew it, they were out on the dance floor, doing hakken to “Always Hardcore” by Bodylotion. Alex and Jamie loved the song, especially the music video for it. It made absolutely no sense, and that was the best part about it. Suddenly, the music started getting faster. The tempo began moving much more quickly than before and the kicks were more intense. At first Jamie and Alex thought it was part of the song, and then they didn’t think of much else, as their whole world faded to black.

Mr.Scratch
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#6

Posted 31 August 2013 - 11:22 PM

Looking forward to giving you more ideas.

universetwisters
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#7

Posted 31 August 2013 - 11:30 PM

QUOTE (VF94 @ Saturday, Aug 31 2013, 18:22)
Looking forward to giving you more ideas.

Looking forward for more opportunities to collab with you turn.gif

Ziggy455
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#8

Posted 02 September 2013 - 03:29 PM Edited by Ziggy455, 02 September 2013 - 03:31 PM.

Okay, I gave the whole thing a read and I’ll try by hardest to critique. We’ll start with editorial, and in all honesty, there’s not much bad about it punctuation-wise or even grammar wise, except for one mistake that I seem to see a lot of writers make when writing. That is them telling us instead of showing us. Let me show you some examples from you work and then I’ll explain the important of showing:

QUOTE
They’re the best of friends, seeing as they do everything together, have the same interests, and even live together. However, they rarely have anything to say to one another.


Right well, see this chunk here? It’s completely expositional. This is not what you want to do, because you’re just telling us what’s happening. They’re walking, alright they’re good friends, and they’re getting robbed! Oh no, they’r— wait, they kicked him and stole his gun. All is right with the world again!

Now I want you to see what this paragraph looks like when you show instead of telling. You allude.



QUOTE
Jamie believed he should have gotten tired of Alex by now, that surprised him. “Hurry up!” she said as she strolled down the street lazily, but with a ferocious speed. “The sooner we get the food, the sooner we can get back to do sh*t!” How many times had they made this walk now? Fifteen? Twenty times? It didn’t bother Jamie really, or Alex for that matter. And it wouldn’t bother either of them when they were sat alone together, with nothing to say. Nothing ever needed to be said, they knew that.


See? I’ve showed that the two have an odd, quirky relationship, but thought, narrative, and hints give it off stronger than just saying they’re best of friends. As for the robber-part, do you see what I mean? You’re a very good writer, but show and tell is something that is very mystic. It’s a technique full of smoke and mirrors, because so easily can a writer start treading into Tell country.

Telling us these people are being robbed is very, very, very boring.


QUOTE
Suddenly, a lanky man wearing a trenchcoat and ball cap emerged from an alleyway, gun in hand, and threatened Alex and Jamie for their money. Before he could finish his sentence, Alex tightened her fist and swung at the robber’s head, knocking him to the ground. Alex and Jamie quickly began to kick the robber as they yelled vulgar obscenities at him, mainly derivatives of the word “c*nt”. The robber then got up and ran away, leaving his gun behind. Jamie picked up the gun and examined it with Alex.


These ninety words are just exposition. Remember that showing pulls in the reader more. Here’s the same action, all ninety words, with no telling.

QUOTE
Ziggy's rendition.


The lanky man appeared from nowhere, a trenchcoat clinging to him, a baseball cap on his head, and a colt 45 in his hand. “Gimme your cash no—“ Alex’s tightened fist slammed into the man’s temple. He fell to the ground with a gasp, a barrage of violent kicks followed from the two immediately. “c*nt!” they screamed at him, and as his ears filled with their words, he scrambled away with wide eyes. The two watched him leave. Jamie picked up the pistol and eyed it keenly.


Alright, I lied: eighty-eight words. Two words short, but which paragraph gives off a stronger scene?

This is what ruins the essence and build-up of the story. Because when I finally got to the end, I didn’t feel happy that Jamie and Alex got the cash. I liked the way that they’re actually working for somebody, that was very clever, but the amount of explanation and such didn’t pull me in. Take for example:


QUOTE
Alex and Jamie could see a sleeping prostitute on the bed behind him. Alex cleared her throat and addressed the man on the other side of the door.


How do we know she’s a prostitute? Let the reader assume by showing him her clothing, or little hints. It’s not to spruce up your work: it’s to involve the reader. It’ll make them want to get to the end of it more.

It’s like test-driving a car. You can stand there and tell them it’s a Mercedes, it’s red, it drives like a horse on crack, and it smells good. But you don’t want to tell them it all. You want them to get in the car, smell the new car smell, and see how fast it goes for themselves.

The same goes with the Robber. How do we know he is the robber? You’re telling us again.

Although don’t hate yourself. This one just one flaw that can be solved with practice. And in all honesty, this story was half-decent. I’d have loved to have seen where they go on a more grand scale. It’d be cool for them to get wrapped up in something bigger and I’d want to see why they do what they do.

These lines made me really laugh out loud:


QUOTE
“Drugs and techno?”

“Drugs and techno!” replied Alex in amusement.


QUOTE
“Wanna go after him?” asked Alex, trying to keep a serious look despite being more stoned than somebody who wears jeans in Saudi Arabia.


Very clever use of an oxymoron. Very funny too.

QUOTE
“Two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls.”


I read Fear and Loathing a while back. A nice little homage to it, I might add.

In conclusion, I liked this story. Show and tell is a big part of it that could be sorted, and I’d definitely be up to helping you if you needed a hand. I think if you came back to this and did some of the stuff I’ve showed you, the story would be even better. But as it stands, it’s still a good read. You have some talent, alright.

- Zigs.

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#9

Posted 02 September 2013 - 03:52 PM

QUOTE (Ziggy455 @ Monday, Sep 2 2013, 15:29)

QUOTE
“Two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls.”


I read Fear and Loathing a while back. A nice little homage to it, I might add.

In conclusion, I liked this story. Show and tell is a big part of it that could be sorted, and I’d definitely be up to helping you if you needed a hand. I think if you came back to this and did some of the stuff I’ve showed you, the story would be even better. But as it stands, it’s still a good read. You have some talent, alright.

- Zigs.

Yeah, I couldn't help it. The drugs and Dr. Gonzo work well in this kind of story.

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#10

Posted 02 September 2013 - 04:00 PM

QUOTE (Ziggy455 @ Monday, Sep 2 2013, 10:29)
In conclusion, I liked this story. Show and tell is a big part of it that could be sorted, and I’d definitely be up to helping you if you needed a hand. I think if you came back to this and did some of the stuff I’ve showed you, the story would be even better. But as it stands, it’s still a good read. You have some talent, alright.

I agree amigo. It's a bit hard trying to describe something through text, as opposed to showing a picture of it, but we'll definitely try to be more descriptive in the future icon14.gif

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#11

Posted 02 September 2013 - 04:04 PM

It's something that is achieved through practice. I mean, if you look at an empty glass. It's much easier to say. "The glass was empty," but if you look at it, and try to explain it without using the world glass or empty, it becomes a whole different ballgame. You can explain it's curves, how light passes through it, the shape, the thickness of the rim, the lack of liquid.

I digress but yeah, it's simple to learn, but takes a lifetime to master.

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#12

Posted 02 September 2013 - 04:09 PM

QUOTE (Ziggy455 @ Monday, Sep 2 2013, 11:04)
It's something that is achieved through practice. I mean, if you look at an empty glass. It's much easier to say. "The glass was empty," but if you look at it, and try to explain it without using the world glass or empty, it becomes a whole different ballgame. You can explain it's curves, how light passes through it, the shape, the thickness of the rim, the lack of liquid.

I digress but yeah, it's simple to learn, but takes a lifetime to master.

Neat amigo, I'll try to keep that example in mind icon14.gif

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#13

Posted 02 September 2013 - 11:55 PM

Chapter 4



The sun peeked through the broken blinds and navigated its way into Jamie’s face, rudely awakening him. Jamie always hated daylight since he was a child, and this morning was no exception. He lay back onto the bed and tried to think about what the f*ck happened last night. Suddenly, he felt something grip around him. He looked around, only to find that Alex had her arm embraced around him. It took a little while to realize it, but once he found out about it, Jamie let out a loud scream.

“What the f*ck are you doing!?” he screamed as he kicked Alex off the bed. Alex fell onto the ground, and then got back up, soaking wet.

“What the f*ck is your problem, c*nt!?” yelled Alex, enraged.

“The f*ck were you doing to me!?” replied Jamie, equally enraged.

“Better question, what the f*ck are we doing here!?” Alex said as she and Jamie contemplated their surroundings. The two of them were in a trashed hotel room, the floor a literal pond, happy hardcore lyrics written in mustard all over the walls, a frozen fish sticking out of the toilet and a two-thousand dollar bill for an ape. Alex wondered why they needed an ape, and more importantly, wondered where all their clothes were, since she and Jamie were both wearing identical tracksuits.

“What the f*ck did we do last night?” Inquired Jamie.

“I don’t know…” said Alex, before presenting a VHS tape to him she found on the bedside table. “But this might help.”

Jamie took the VHS and examined it. There was a crudely-drawn label on it titled “JAMIE AND ALEX’S BIG NIGHT OUT NIGGAZ” drawn out with a sharpie pen in capital letters. Alex and Jamie put it in the VCR as they sat down together to watch it. The video started off with a shot of a blank, brick wall. Suddenly, Jamie and Alex emerged from two different sides of the camera and sung some old Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young song into it.

“Find the cost of freedom, buried in the ground, mother earth will swallow you, lay your body down.”

Jamie and Alex looked at each other in confusion. They directed their attention back to the video, to see if they could catch any other clues as to what happened the other night. The video depicted them going to an art gallery and laughing at two pictures, one depicting two women having sex with a polar bear, and another picture with a woman being double-ended by a giant eagle and a manta ray. As they were examining the pictures, they were yelling out remarks about them, per usual.

“Holy sh*t! Look at that one, it looks like two women f*cking a polar bear!" pointed out Jamie.

"What the hell, are those f*cking manta rays, and giant eagles?" laughed Alex.

The video then cut to them in the motel room they’re staying in now. Jamie is painting on happy hardcore lyrics as Alex is flushing metric tons of frozen fish down the toilet. Jamie got up and turned the TV off, figuring that they’ve seen enough. He sat back down next to Alex, dazed and confused.

“That was our night-“ stammered Jamie.

“Our one night and we blew it all on this.” Interrupted Alex.

“f*ck.” They both said in unison.

“So, if we did all that, who was recording us?” asked Jamie.

“f*ck if I know.”

“I mean, did anybody else come with us?”

“Not that I know of-“

“Wait, wait, wait, what about Mr. Gonzo?”

“Mr. Gonzo? Nah, he went home after we started doing coke off that passed-out midget.”

“Oh.” Lazily replied Jamie.

The two friends were in a loss for words. It wasn’t even twenty-four hours since they turned in that robber to the police, and now they were broke, confused, and evidently in a whole other town, as when they looked out the hotel’s window, they didn’t see the sprawl of Ann Arbor anymore. They decided to leave the motel and take a walk around. They decided to go to a gas station, as they were pretty hungry and assumed one of those roller hot dogs would hit the spot.

They emerged from their room and looked around. They couldn’t see any other buildings except for corn fields for miles and miles. Jamie looked up at the sun to determine what time it was. The sun was directly above them. It was noon, meaning they had to get a move on before it got dark. They walked down the lone country road for a few miles until they reached a gas station. Once they entered the gas station, the two of them walked up to the counter to talk to the clerk, who was reading a newspaper.

“Yo, c*nt.” Addressed Jamie. The newspaper lowered to reveal the clerk’s face, which was covered in a thick beard.

“May I help you two?” He asked, disinterested.

“Yeah, uh…we just woke up in this bumf*ck town out in the middle of nowhere, and we’re trying to figure out where we are.” Asked Alex.

“You’re in Leonard, Michigan. Hope that helps.” Said the clerk, before retreating back into his newspaper. Jamie and Alex then proceeded to walk around the store, talking as they grabbed various items off the shelves.

“Where the f*ck is Leonard?” Asked Alex.

“Michigan. You f*ckin’ deaf?” Replied Jamie.

“Of course not, you cocksucking dingbat. I mean ‘where’ in Michigan are we?”

“Well…we’re in Leonard.”

“But where is Leonard!?”

“Michigan-“

“Where in Michigan is f*cking Leonard!?” yelled Alex. Jamie paused for a few seconds as he finally understood the question

“Oh…I don’t know.” Replied Jamie.

“f*ck. Ah well, we’ll find out. Follow my lead.” Ordered Alex.

Jamie and Alex began to walk over to the door leaving the store, searching around for any lookouts that would prevent their escape. Aside from the clerk, they were in the green. Alex and Jamie made a mad dash for the door, and made good their escape. They sprinted like madmen down a few blocks, knowing that they would be caught, until they ran out of breath. They turned back around and found out that nobody was following them.

“Did he even notice we took all this sh*t?” asked Alex, confused.

“You know what they say about these small towns?” replied Jamie.

“No, what about them?”

“I heard, like, you can do whatever you want and nobody will give a f*ck. Probably has to do with how we got away with all this food.”

“That true?”

“Maybe. Lemme check.”

Jamie dropped all the food he stole from the store onto the ground, cupped his hands around his mouth, and yelled as loudly as he could.

“All the bitches come out right now and get on your knees and let me cum in your face!”

Nothing happened. No consequences arose from Jamie’s lewd statement, aside from some birds chirping. The town’s streets were completely empty. There was no life on the sidewalks, no cars scooting about on the roads; nothing was alive aside from the crisp air that wrapped around Alex and Jamie. Alex and Jamie looked at each other and shrugged.

“Looks like Leonard is another word for Purgatory.” Replied Jamie.

“So…we’re like, dead or some sh*t?” Asked Alex. After thinking for a few seconds, Jamie answered her back.

“Probably.”

“That f*cking sucks.”

“Yeah.”

“But hell, at least we got no consequences, yeah!?”

“Yeah!”

They both cheered as they walked over to a parked pickup truck on the side of the road. The pickup was to rednecks as what riceburners were to people like Alex & Jamie. The pickup towered at least four feet off the ground on large tires, had a CB antennae taller than Jamie, and more fog lights than you could count on your fingers. Jamie and Alex noticed that the windows were rolled down, so they opened the doors from the inside, and sat in the cab of the truck. Alex got adjusted to the driver’s seat as Jamie slammed his door shut and leaned his arm out the window.

“Ever drive anything like this before?” inquired Jamie.

“f*ck no, sh*twagon didn’t come close to this.” Responded Alex.

“Want me to drive?”

“f*ck no, I’ve seen you in Grand Theft Auto.”

Jamie shrugged as he opened the glove box to see if the previous owner left any drugs, snack food, or preferably both, in that order. However, the only thing Jamie found was a giant wad of clothes. After pulling the cluster out and examining it, he found out that the clothes were theirs.

“Hey, c*nt, these’re our clothes.” Jamie said as he hit Alex on the shoulder in an attempt to get her attention.

“Oh yeah?” inquired Alex.

“Yeah, take a look.”

Jamie turned a black vest around to show Alex the back side of it, which had a giant smiley face printed on it. Alex was dumbstruck as to how the clothes got into the glovebox of a pickup truck.

“Give me my sh*t, amigo.“ Asked Alex as Jamie handed her a pair of sweatpants and a flannel hoodie. After taking her clothes, she pondered further questions.

“Why the f*ck were our clothes in the glovebox of this truck?”

“f*cking beats me. Got the truck started-”

“Yeah, hold up.” Quickly responded Alex as she turned the key in the ignition. Once the loud V6 diesel engine sputtered to life, Alex looked back at Jamie and grinned.

“Wanna see where this road takes us?”

“Does the pope sh*t in the woods?” Replied Jamie, with the both of them laughing. Suddenly, they heard a sound they were all too familiar with; the cocking of a shotgun. The two of them quickly identified the source of the noise, a short, angry man, red in the face and wearing a John Deere ball cap. He raised the shotgun and cursed at the two out-of-towners.

“You little piece of sh*ts get the f*ck out of my truck and don’t you ever come back!”

“Drive, motherf*cker!” Yelled Jamie. Soon enough, Alex pulled out of the parking spot and screamed down the road as the redneck fired his shotgun at them. He didn’t hit them, though, but he sent a big enough message: don’t come back to Leonard again.

Alex and Jamie were driving in a stolen pickup truck, driving down what felt like a never-ending barren road surrounded on all sides by rural farmland. They sat in silence as they ate what they stole from the gas station previously. Jamie was finishing up his third bag of potato chips as Alex downed a candy bar. As they ate, the radio played an old 1980s synthpop song.

“I hear you laughing in some other room…And it makes me feel locked out…You say my passion often stifles you…And you need to move about…But I was taught that boys need girls and girls need boys…You say that's not true…You'd rather fool around than be alone with me…Well, that's alright for you.”

As the chorus kicked in Alex and Jamie both looked at each other. After watching the world turn in one another’s eyes for a few seconds, Jamie finally popped the question.

“What the f*ck are we doing?”

“Beats me,” replied Alex, “I’m just going where the road’s taking us.”

“And where is this road gonna take us? Yeah, we’re following the road, but where the f*ck is the road gonna take us?”

“Dude, calm the f*ck down, alright-“

“I am calm, you know? Calm as a motherf*cking monk. But hey, if we’re following the road aimlessly, what’s the point?”

“The point is, Jamie, we f*cked up.”

“We didn’t f*ck up.” Jamie laughed.

“No, we did. Think about it, we get money for doing a good thing, yeah? But did that money ever last? No. Couldn’t even keep it till the next day till we blew the whole lot.”

“So what if we blew the whole lot? We can get that money back.”

“Oh, look at me amigo; we can get the money we spent on drugs back.” Said Alex, imitating Jamie’s monotone voice, before going back to her normal tone to continue the argument. “f*cking grow up.”

“Hey, look c*nt, don’t tell me to grow up, yeah? We’re young, we’ve got out whole lives ahead of us to act all mature and stoic and sh*t.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah!”

“Tell me why we’ve been doing the same thing the past ten years. Wake up, drugs, video games, eat, loiter, drugs, eat, rave, drugs, sleep.”

Jamie was about to say something, but kept his mouth shut. After a few seconds of silence, Jamie then turned back to Alex to say one more thing.

“Is this gonna work?”

Alex took her eyes off the road to give Jamie a puzzled look.

“Is what gonna work-“

“Us, are we gonna work?”

Alex gave Jamie an even more puzzled look, one the likes of which has never been seen before.

“What the f*ck are you talking about?”

“I mean, like, if you’re saying the whole world’s falling down around us, where are we gonna be?”

Alex didn’t say anything and shifted her focus back to the road. To Jamie, it seems as though Alex dodged the question, but to Alex, she couldn’t say anything. She wanted to say something, but she didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t bear the thought of being separated from her best friend. Obviously, they fought a lot, and barely agreed on the same things. Although at times, she saw Jamie as a moocher who did nothing but smoke all her pot and slept on her couch, but at other times, he was her friend, always making a fool out of himself to make her laugh. So with that, they sat in silence as the radio played on and the truck glided into the sunset.

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#14

Posted 03 September 2013 - 08:18 AM

Good job man.

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#15

Posted 04 September 2013 - 11:50 PM

Chapter 5



The pickup piloted down the road as its two occupants sat quietly inside the cab, watching the headlights bounce off the never-ending rows of corn planted along the sides of the road as the moonlight bounced off the hood. Suddenly, the motor began sputtering as the truck grinded to a halt in the middle of the road. After turning the key a good few times, Alex leaned back in her seat in frustration as Jamie looked at her with his arm leaning out the window, waiting for her to say something to break the silence.

“Looks like we’re legging it.” She replied, before exiting the truck and walking along the road, with Jamie loyally by her side.

As they made their way down the country road, they didn’t meet a single soul, aside from each other. There were no streetlights, no passing cars, no flashlights. Their only source of light came from the moon in the sky in front of them, which lit the sky up to a light blue color. Despite this, everything else around them was surrounded in darkness. Everything around each other, and even themselves, were nothing but black silhouettes against the night sky. As the moon rose above them, the two antisocial gabbers stuck their hands in their pockets and continued their walk to wherever the road took them. After about half an hour or so of silent walking, they came across a seedy-looking bar with motorcycles parked in front of it called “Der große Biergarten Schwuchtel“. After stumbling across the bar, Jamie finally broke the silence.

“You hungry or some sh*t? We can get a burger or something.“

“But we don't have any cash." replied Alex.

“I got an idea-“

“What, like, skipping the bill or some sh*t?“

“Pretty much, yeah.“

“But this bar is full of bikers. Big, bald, pissed off bikers. The kind that'll rip your f*cking head off and sh*t down your throat-"

"Ha!" laughed Jamie, "These guys won't know jack sh*t what's gonna hit them!"

Alex shrugged as she and Jamie entered the bar. As they walked in, a large cloud of cigarette smoke engulfed them as "Pussy" by Rammstein thundered from the jukebox. The two friends made their way through the sea of drunk bikers and sat down at the bar, where a bartender walked up to them and gave them a menu.

"Hey there, you guys new here?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, we're just getting food and we'll be back on our way and stuff." Replied Jamie as Alex looked around the bar from the seat of her stool.

"What'll you have to drink?" asked the bartender.

"I'll have a cosmopolitan, and..." Jamie said, as he waited for Alex's response. He couldn't get a response from Alex, as she was too busy eyeing the decor. After being hit on the shoulder several times by Jamie, Alex finally directed her attention to the bartender.

"Yeah, I'll just have some Red Bull and Vodka." Replied Alex.

"Yeah, a cosmoplitan, some Red Bull and Vodka, and two hamburgers." Ordered the Bartender. As the bartender rushed off to fill the order, Alex quickly turned to Jamie.

"Amigo, I got a bad f*ckin' vibe about this place-" she said, before being inturrupted by Jamie.

"What's so bad about it? We're getting burgers-"

"Are you f*cking blind? Look around you!"

Alex returned to her newly-delivered drink as Jamie turned around on his stool to look around. There were gay pride banners alongside nazi banners, a giant discoball was suspended over a dance floor, and a group of bikers were carressing eachother and taking off their clothes atop a pool table. And if that wasn't enough, the lyrics stood out to Jamie like a sore thumb.

"So take me now before it's too late...Life's too short, so I can't wait...Take me now, oh, don't you see...I can't get laid in Germany..."

Jamie, finally realizing the situation, slowly turned around to face the bar and downed his cocktail. After slowly putting the empty glass back on the bartop, he slowly leaned over to Alex whispered in her ear.

"I think this is a gay nazi biker bar." he stammered as Alex flashed him a stern look.

"No sh*t, it came up on my gaydar from miles away." She snarkilly replied as their hamburgers finally arrived.

Alex calmly ate her hamburger, but Jamie was skeptical. He first examined each and every french fry, to assure none of them has been placed up anybody's rectums. All the fries turned out clean. He then examined the burger from top to bottom. Alex glared over at Jamie literally picking the burger apart as she ate hers. Just then, Jamie noticed a sticky white substance on the bottom of the top bun. After the shocking revelation, he called the bartender over in the calmest way a man put in his situation would.

"Hey, you cocksucking piece of sh*t, get over here!"

The bartender took it as a compliment and strolled over to where Jamie sat, leaned over, and began flirting with him.

"You call me over, sweetie-" the bartender spoke as Jamie yelled over him.

"You f*cking fa**ot, where the f*ck do you get off shooting your load all over my burger-"

"Jamie, calm the f*ck down-" called Alex from the other side of the bar.

"Stay out of this, amigo!" Jamie angrilly yelled to Alex. Alex shrugged and continued finishing her burger as Jamie reprimanded the bartender.

"You think it's cool to blow your load in my burger? f*ck you, fag!" yelled Jamie as he threw the burger bun at the bartender. The bartender ducked to avoid it, but as he was coming back up, the next thing he saw was Jamie diving over the bar and tackling him to the ground. One minute, Jamie was grabbing the bartender's head and banging it on the tile floor, and the next minute, Jamie was rounded up by all the bikers in the bar and thrown onto the pool table. Alex chomped on her burger and watched silently as the bikers savagely beat Jamie with poolsticks, bats, purple double-ended dildos, and anything else they could get their hands on. After finishing her burger, Alex walked over to the bikers beating Jamie and tapped one of them on the shoulder in an attempt to get their attention.

"Yo, amigos, I know it's been fun beating him up, but reckon you can let us go? Like, he's had enough, and sh*t like that."

Her request went unanswered by the bikers. Alex was about to leave and continue the adventure on her own, when suddenly, she noticed a sawn-off double barrel shotgun laying on a table, unattended by it's owner. Alex examined it for a few seconds before facing the bikers beating her best friend to a pulp. She raised the gun and pulled the trigger. The pellets from the shell flew into the closely-packed crowd, causing them to fall to the ground in pain. The only biker left standing from the massacre pulled out a revolver and pointed it to Jamie's head as he called out to Alex.

"Now listen here, pretty little girl," the biker grimmaced, "You can shoot my friends all you want, but aim that gun at me and I'll make you another hole to breathe through-"

"Piss off, fa**ot!" Yelled Jamie.

"I wouldn't even want to f*ck you, your nose is too big and you hair's too long-" The biker angrilly told Jamie. He never got a chance to finish his sentence, as a pellet went straight through his skull. His lifeless body collapsed to the ground as Alex helped Jamie off the pool table.

"You cool, amigo?" asked Alex. It took Jamie a few seconds to catch his breath, but he finally replied.

"Yeah, it's all good buddy."

Alex patted Jamie on the back as the two forgiven friends headed out the bar. As they walked out, Jamie spotted a motorcycle. It was painted in rainbow colors and had swastika hubcaps and two dildos attatched on each end of the handlebars.

"Hey," called out Jamie as they walked out of the parking lot, "check out that gay bike."

Alex thought for a few seconds, and before you knew it, the two of them were screaming down the country road on two wheels into the sunset.


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#16

Posted 08 September 2013 - 08:37 AM

Everything is coming along pretty well, lunacy is flowing right now. But when are we going to get to Chapter 6?


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#17

Posted 08 September 2013 - 02:15 PM

Everything is coming along pretty well, lunacy is flowing right now. But when are we going to get to Chapter 6?

I'm hoping sometime either later today or next week. Hopefully we'll get chapter 6 done up and published before Thursday.


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#18

Posted 13 September 2013 - 12:13 AM Edited by universetwisters, 21 September 2013 - 09:35 PM.

Chapter 6

 

The steel horse roared into daylight with Jamie at the wheel and Alex behind him, with her arms violently around Jamie's waist, fearing that she would fall off. Nevertheless, the two of them rode down the road, seeing where it would lead them. As they added miles to their trip, the scenery began to change around them. The corn stalks they have gotten so adjusted to seemed to transform into tall trees and the flatlands turned into highlands. It was a little after two in the afternoon when Jamie noticed a man wearing a red jacket on a horse galloping up behind them in the rearview mirror of the motorcycle they stole from the gay nazi biker bar the night before. At first, Jamie thought it was a flashy Amish dresser until he somehow managed to ride his horse up next to the motorcycle and yell at Jamie to pull over.

 

"Pull over, eh!?" The red coated horse rider yelled.

 

"Who the f*ck are you!?" asked Jamie.

 

"Yeah, c*nt!" responded Alex in her usual violent manner.

 

"c*nt!" mimicked Jamie to the horse rider.

 

"Royal Canadian Mounted Police!" replied the red coated horse rider.

 

"When the f*ck did we arrive in Canada!?" asked Alex, before she was interrupted by the mountie.

 

"Pull over!"

 

Alex and Jamie stood by their motorcycle as the mountie examined the bike, writing down his views on a notebook out loud.

 

"No license plates…vulgar artwork…loud noises…"

 

The mountie then lowered his notebook to take a look at Jamie and Alex, who both gave him the one-finger salute before he returned to his notebook to jot down the misdemeanors.

 

"Both riders failed to wear helmets…and presented an obscene gesture-"

 

"Now hold the f*ck on," interrupted Alex, "Are you really going to give us a ticket for giving you the bird?"

 

"Yes." Said the mountie.

 

"Why!?"

 

"Because in Canada, giving the finger to anybody is an offense punishable by a month in prison".

 

"A month in prison, yeah?" asked Jamie.

 

"Yes." Answered the mountie.

 

"We'll do our time…only if you can catch us." He said, before taking off with Alex on foot.

 

The two of them took off in full sprint away from the mountie. The mountie was in hot pursuit behind him, and his fit physique held a distinct advantage over Jamie and Alex's, both of whom haven't even exercised since high school. The mountie ran up behind Jamie and tackled him to the ground and slapped handcuffs on him as Jamie hollered at the mountie.

 

"Hey, you dumb Canuck c*nt! What's your f*cking deal arresting an American tourist, yeah!? You piece of sh*t!"

 

The mountie picked up Jamie from the ground and was about to read him his rights when a swift kick from Alex's sneakers to his face put him down, taking Jamie with him. Alex picked Jamie up and took off as the mountie called for backup on his radio.

"Where the f*ck we going!?" yelled Jamie to Alex in a panic.

 

"I don't f*cking know…" thought Alex. She was equally panicked, as she has never been to Canada before, apart from reading about it on the internet. "What the f*ck is in Canada anyway!?"

 

"Uh…I don't f*cking know. I think Alaska's in Canada-"

 

"Is Tijuana in Canada?"

 

"Probably."

 

They continued sprinting down the road they were stopped on, in the hopes that they would run far, far away from the mountie and all the other troubles that plagued Canada. What was once a boring and obscure place full of hockey and lumberjacks in their imagination has turned into a nightmare in reality. After running for a few minutes in silence, they came across a crossroad. The only clue as to where they were was a road sign on the side of the road, which was written in French.

 

"Do they speak French in Canada?" asked Jamie.

 

"I don't think it's French…it's probably German or some sh*t-" responded Alex.

 

However, her answer was cut short by a thundering clap of hooves. They frantically looked around only to observe that over a dozen red-shirted mounties were zeroing in on them in all directions on horseback. The mounties stopped the horses right next to two friends and aimed their guns at them. The two finally got the hint, and got onto their knees with their hands in the air. In one last defense, Alex called out a sly remark to the mounties.

 

"Mister, where's your mule!?"

 

Spoiler


universetwisters
  • universetwisters

    THIS ONE GOES OUT TO ALL THE RAVERS IN THE NATION.

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#19

Posted 21 September 2013 - 09:32 PM Edited by universetwisters, 21 September 2013 - 09:35 PM.

Chapter 7

 

"So let me get this straight," said the judge, "Your wife held you at gun point and told you that unless you tied up her hands and feet, drove her to a train line, and let a train run her over, she would shoot you?"

 

"Yes." replied the man being questioned. After shuffling through some papers for a few seconds, the judge addressed him.

 

"Alright, you're free to go. Bring in the next respondents." He ordered.

 

A door swung open as Alex and Jamie were led into the courtroom by an overweight security guard. The vest Jamie was so accustomed to and the hoodie that Alex wore for so long that it basically became a part of her skin were now swapped for bright orange prison jumpsuits. As they were led into the courtroom in handcuffs and sat down at a table, the judge questioned them.

 

"Well, do you guys have a lawyer?"

 

"Probably," replied Alex, "if he ain't already out there getting high and laid."

 

Suddenly, a the sound of gunshots were heard outside. Everybody in the courtroom panicked as the guard drew his pistol. He ordered everybody to get down as he hustled to the door and peeked it open to see what all the commotion was. The second after he opened the door, a dirtbike raced into the courtroom, the driver wearing a fancy black suit and a black helmet. The rider popped a wheelie as he sped past the spectators and stopped with a skid in front of the judge's desk. The rider then got off the bike and walked over to Jamie and Alex's table. He took a seat and took off his helmet, to which Jamie and Alex both replied:

 

"Holy sh*t! Dr. Gonzo!"

 

"The one and only!" answered Dr. Gonzo with a wink.

 

"Hey! What's your problem riding that bike into my courtroom!?" yelled the Judge angrily.

 

"Your honor, my name is Dr. Gonzo, and I'll be representing my two clients today."

 

"Alright, let's hear what the applicants have to say" said the judge, before turning to the mounties sitting next to Dr. Gonzo and the two ravers.

 

"Thank you your honor," said one of the mounties before getting up and addressing the jury, "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, these two respondents have been arrested earlier today for numerous traffic violations, and the worst of all, rude manners." The mountie said, before being interrupted by a loud gasp from everybody in the courtroom, aside from the two buddies and their lawyer.

 

"That's right," continued the mountie, "traffic violations and rude manners, not to mention the use of the middle finger-"

 

The crowd gasped even harder. A few people even fainted. The mountie went back to his table as the remaining members of the crowd who haven't fallen unconscious whispered amongst themselves about Alex and Jamie. Their comments all ranged from anywhere in between putting them in an electric chair to secluding them in a pit for the rest of their lives to what they'll have for dinner later that night. Suddenly, Dr. Gonzo stood up from his chair and addressed the rest of the court.

 

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, please do not listen to this…this…this little red-jacketed fa**ot over there-" he announced before being interrupted by the judge.

 

"Hey! You'd better watch your language before I file you for contempt of court-"

 

"How about you chill the f*ck out before I file YOU for contempt of court!?" yelled Dr. Gonzo before redirecting his attention to the jury. "Now, as I was saying before, my two clients here, Jamie and Alex, I've known them since middle school. I first met them when I had to defend them for inciting a riot and overturning a school bus-"

 

"Wait, you mean that the respondents have a history of this type of activity?" asked the judge.

 

"Oh, absolutely!" exclaimed Dr. Gonzo excitedly. "They're some of my most frequent clients. I've defended them from drug possession to arson to manslaughter!"

 

"So…these individuals aren't they type of people who would fit well into a modern society?" asked a court reporter.

 

"Oh, I wouldn't say that. My clients may not be the best people around. They may be bigoted, intolerant, crude, vulgar individuals who attend illegal, underground raves by night and take drugs and play video games by day. Sure, they may have a lengthy rap sheet, but I can assure you, they are some very kind people." Said Dr. Gonzo.

 

Spoiler





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