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Vincent the Vampire

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Osric
  • Osric

    In The Name Of The Moon

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  • Joined: 12 Apr 2009

#1

Posted 26 August 2013 - 02:43 AM

Chapter I

September 21, 1993....

That was the day I died....


A cold wind blew through the streets of downtown Roanoke as a pale, slender, and dark-haired young man walked down the sidewalk. It was night, the stars were bright and the moon was full, and a predator was on the prowl. Unknown to anyone except the pale man, someone would become the predator's prey tonight.

The man's name was Vincent Grayson, and he was the predator. Worst of all, he wasn't the only one. Vincent had been damned for over twenty years, and now he was a fully-fledged vampire of the Western Court. Vincent was clad in a black leather jacket, a Death Note T-shirt, black denim pants, and black boots, he looked a little unusual given the fact it was early autumn and not that cool outside, but otherwise, nobody noticed. For vampires like him, the best way to hide from the overwhelming forces of Humankind was in plain sight.

Cars slowly strolled by the young and pale man as music from the local nightclub, the 202 Market Studio, blared out the windows and doors, audible to anyone across the street, albeit at a lower volume from where the man was.

Twenty years. Has it really been this long? After a while, the drinking of the sweet, savory blood becomes just another thing. As long as you don't kill them, they'll forget about it and nobody will come looking for you. Eddie told me not to leave too many corpses behind, for it could get the cops on us, and I don't know about you, but I would much rather keep the law out of my business or the business of any other members of my kind, thank you very much.

Vincent wandered aimlessly, not really hunting at all, just walking and loitering on the streets of Roanoke, occasionally grabbing a light snack from a prostitute or a homeless guy before heading back to the safehouse to sleep the day away. And then when the sun went down, he'd wake up and do it again.

He had been a vampire for twenty years now, and in all honesty, he wasn't fazed by it any longer. He used to be a regular Joe Sixpack, an ordinary red-blooded American loser like you or me, but now things were different. He was now damned. Vincent Grayson was now a monster. And he knew it.

But there were worse monsters than him, some of them right in the Roanoke Valley. Most notably was his boss, a vampire elder named Eddie Stilson, the Boss of Roanoke. And that was why Vincent was in Downtown. To grab a quick snack and meet Eddie at his clubhouse.

This would be interesting....

elanman
  • elanman

    Misanthropic lycanthrope

  • Andolini Mafia Family
  • Joined: 11 Apr 2007
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#2

Posted 26 August 2013 - 05:10 PM

Typical vampire stuff like Twilight is of absolutely no interest to me, but this looks good. The grammar seems fine, but I think the punctuation is a little to comma-heavy--perhaps a dash or set of parentheses would work better in places.

QUOTE
occasionally grabbing a light snack from a prostitute or a homeless guy before heading back to the safehouse to sleep the day away.


This line made me chuckle biggrin.gif .

A contemporary vampire story bereft of nauseating teenage love affairs is quite original when you think about it, so this has promise.

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    МОКРЫЕДЕЛA

  • The Yardies
  • Joined: 01 May 2009
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#3

Posted 26 August 2013 - 08:44 PM Edited by Mokrie Dela, 02 September 2013 - 02:14 PM.

QUOTE (elanman @ Monday, Aug 26 2013, 17:10)


A contemporary vampire story bereft of nauseating teenage love affairs is quite original when you think about it, so this has promise.

f*ck; such a thing exists?

Gonna have to read this later
Watch this space

Read it, and firstly I thought maybe "someone would become the predator's prey tonight." should be "Someone would become prey tonight." - shorter, snappier, and there was no need to have "the predator's" in there. Personal preference though.



In all honesty, however, I didn't really see much in this. It was short, and nothing really happened. There was a small hint of delving into Vincent's psyche - something that could work well; what does a vampire think? how do they feel? They're portrayed as cold, heartless, soulless creatures (lets pretend Twilight never happened), like Blade, a total badass. But what of the vampires who are more.... emotionally complex? There was a HINT of this, but not too much. It was too expositional for me; too much telling, not enough showing.
There's potential here, if the Vampire genre can be explored from a difference angle, so good luck!




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