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Who betray

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arch stanton
  • arch stanton

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#1

Posted 23 August 2013 - 05:49 AM Edited by Coat., 23 August 2013 - 05:51 AM.

The glimpse of a new generation rises from it's foundation
With a dart of light that overthrows the lands and the fields
Which can not yield a man from a man
Which can not hold what's truly grand
And the dart of light will dress it's finest in golden armor
For we are now what is nothing more than
A richer farmer

Gather what you need to enjoy the praise
And jump onboard this almighty phase
To which it will change the minds of people who wonder
And to people who ponder

Those holly expectations are seen as only an illusion
Not to be mistaken by the presumptuous idol in the vase
And we hold it, not to be it and but in one with it all

This will change your mind in time
Like a candle that never lights or glimmer
But leave the land dimmer
In which he, who betrays is the one who lets all of us down.

walkingsickness
  • walkingsickness

    Mr. "Blow Your Head Off"

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#2

Posted 31 August 2013 - 05:25 AM

Deep!

I got a visual from that.

arch stanton
  • arch stanton

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#3

Posted 31 August 2013 - 10:24 AM

Thanks dude. I am glad you enjoyed it.

Tyler
  • Tyler

    omnia vincit amor

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#4

Posted 01 September 2013 - 12:14 AM

I can dig it, man. Your flow gets better and better as you go on. I particularly dug the hell out of the 'richer farmer' bit, it brings to mind how close agriculture is to what society is, and how even now we've kind of forgotten that by and large. I thought the line "to which it will change the minds of people who wonder/ and to people who ponder" felt a little clunky, but that's because I'd change wonder to wander. It would tie pronunciation together and it'd make more sense. People who wander are more apt to be changed by the phases than those who are at wonder, aren't they?


QUOTE
This will change your mind in time
Like a candle that never lights or glimmer
But leave the land dimmer
In which he, who betrays is the one who lets all of us down.


This part feels a little off to me as well, but only for grammatical reasons, not really rhythm. "Like a candle that never lights or glimmer" -- the word "glimmer" should become "glimmers," but to be fair I don't really like the way this is structured to begin with: "A candle that's never lit, never glimmers" would be more apt, to me.

I'm left wondering what 'he' represents, though, and I like that. Keep it up, Coat.




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