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That Empty Feeling..

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Alchemist
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#1

Posted 22 August 2013 - 08:09 AM

You know what they say, when you love someone a lot?
They say that they become one with your heart
Do you know what happens when they break your heart?
You fall into a state of deep depression

You get a feeling you cannot describe
More or less of an empty feeling
It hurts on the inside
But you just play it off, like it's nothing

It really is something after all
It's a really big deal
It matters a lot to me
She just doesn't understand

Maybe we weren't meant for each other
Why were we even a thing?
It doesn't matter anymore..
She's out of my life for good

...and she's never coming back.

Ziggy455
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    Ain't nothin' over til it's over.

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#2

Posted 22 August 2013 - 08:57 AM

Simple, thematic on lost love. I liked it, more for the fact it flowed well. This first stanza:

QUOTE
You know what they say, when you love someone a lot?
They say that they become one with your heart
Do you know what happens when they break your heart?
You fall into a state of deep depression


It's simple, but good as the rhyming climax ends with depression, which doesn't rhyme but gives a tone of despair or depression.

As for the poem itself, it's relative to many people. We've all felt that depression and confusion of losing somebody. There's a kind of deep, dark hole that you feel is squeezing you, and that there's a certain kind of hopelessness that comes with those crushing walls. I digress. This feels like it was written a little close to the bone, and sometimes good poetry is. Most certainly in this case.

You've got some skeelz.

Alchemist
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#3

Posted 22 August 2013 - 09:02 AM

Thank you Ziggy icon14.gif This piece of writing was inspired by one of my own break ups. Didn't happen that long ago haha..

Vice President helped me out too smile.gif He told me to start typing out my feelings and not to stop, just to keep going.

Ziggy455
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#4

Posted 22 August 2013 - 09:11 AM

QUOTE (Antagonista @ Thursday, Aug 22 2013, 09:02)
Thank you Ziggy icon14.gif This piece of writing was inspired by one of my own break ups. Didn't happen that long ago haha..

Vice President helped me out too smile.gif He told me to start typing out my feelings and not to stop, just to keep going.

Writing is a strong medium for expression. Some people climb clock towers with Remingtons loaded after breakups but writing is much more stress relieving.

Alchemist
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#5

Posted 22 August 2013 - 09:35 AM

QUOTE (Ziggy455 @ Thursday, Aug 22 2013, 04:11)
QUOTE (Antagonista @ Thursday, Aug 22 2013, 09:02)
Thank you Ziggy icon14.gif This piece of writing was inspired by one of my own break ups. Didn't happen that long ago haha..

Vice President helped me out too smile.gif He told me to start typing out my feelings and not to stop, just to keep going.

Writing is a strong medium for expression. Some people climb clock towers with Remingtons loaded after breakups but writing is much more stress relieving.

Nah, I wouldn't see why anyone would suicide over a break up. I can understand the feeling though sad.gif

I haven't wrote much but I guess I'll write more since I broke up with my girlfriend.. it wont all be depressing pieces I promise.

Tyler
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#6

Posted 22 August 2013 - 11:02 PM

Life isn't just one note, so that's understandable. Still, it's good to air out the room and put your feelings down in print, even if you think those feelings are unworthy of it at first. Writing is definitely a good way to vent, and using it to express your thoughts on something often leads to you seeing those events in a different way. It helps me accept things I'll never be able to change, for sure.

As for the actual poem, you should keep writing. I'm glad you found something you like doing, I hope you keep at it. If you want to strengthen your own style then I suggest taking out words like "really" to bridge your thoughts in sentences. Words like that only serve to lessen the blow, which is something you don't want when you're dealing with poetry, one of the more concise forms of expression out there.

Also, completely off-topic but you should check out Nine Inch Nails' The Downward Spiral if you're looking to see what dark and depressed thoughts can produce. It's a beautiful album in how disgusting it is. I could never get enough of it. Then again, I'm a big NIN fan and I kind of love everything Trent makes, so maybe this plug is a bit biased. tounge.gif

Alchemist
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#7

Posted 23 August 2013 - 05:57 AM

Thanks Tyler icon14.gif

I'll be here more often in the near future because usually when school starts I get into writing so I can impress my teachers. I will be here a lot actually with stories, scripts, and more poems. Maybe even a narrative or two. I will also check that NIN album out when I can, most likely this weekend.

Ziggy455
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#8

Posted 23 August 2013 - 11:52 AM

I agree with Tyler: Trent Reznor's music is dark, beautiful, and at times depressing. I've got most of the albums on my iPod and his music is very inspirational if you're into the darker aspects of music and storytelling.




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