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Winter

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Failure
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#1

Posted 21 August 2013 - 08:57 PM Edited by elanman, 24 August 2013 - 09:07 PM.

Winter


In the north one longs for spring,

a time of which the maidens sing,

a time of hope and light and sun,

when winter's bitter grip at last seems done.

Although such joyous hope may grow,

here winter's touch is loathe to truly go,

and though spring may promise that which summer does fulfill,

in the end, all bends to winter's frozen will.

bandita_96
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#2

Posted 21 August 2013 - 09:01 PM

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Ziggy455
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#3

Posted 21 August 2013 - 09:29 PM

It gives me a feeling of perhaps a shanty. As if it is a poem spoken by many of an ancient race, in a far off land. That may not be what you were aiming for, but poetry, out of experience, is extremely subjective at times. It's a really nice piece that fits well within the small stanza. It doesn't overbear the reader with long words, but it also retains a poetic form that leaves a vivid atmosphere on the page. It feels like something old, but withstanding the test of time. And of course, that is subjective too. However, I quite like little pieces like this. You got any more up your sleeve?

Failure
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#4

Posted 21 August 2013 - 09:36 PM

QUOTE (Ziggy455 @ Wednesday, Aug 21 2013, 21:29)
It gives me a feeling of perhaps a shanty. As if it is a poem spoken by many of an ancient race, in a far off land. That may not be what you were aiming for, but poetry, out of experience, is extremely subjective at times. It's a really nice piece that fits well within the small stanza. It doesn't overbear the reader with long words, but it also retains a poetic form that leaves a vivid atmosphere on the page. It feels like something old, but withstanding the test of time. And of course, that is subjective too. However, I quite like little pieces like this. You got any more up your sleeve?

It's funny that you mention the fantasy aspect, as I was planning on using it in a fantasy story I've been thinking about. I like the genre and stuff, but I'm not a writer really. I've got the general plot mapped out in my head, but working it into a coherent, compelling narrative would be a real challenge. I will definitely write a synopsis of the plot one day, so that I don't forget the story should I ever be afforded the luxury of sufficient time in which to write it.

I came up with this recently and it just came to me spontaneously--probably influenced by some personal stuff to which the poem may be allegorical--and I thought that it would fit well with the themes of the story. I guess you could look at it as a note to be cautious even in times of plenty, or maybe something more foreboding. I'm pleased that it's not as verbose as most of the poems I write, too.

Thanks for the feedback and praise mate. I'm reading your story in another tab and I like how it's developing into something deeper--it's got a lot of promise.

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#5

Posted 21 August 2013 - 09:47 PM

The fantasy aspect seemed to scream out at me, and I did like it. Plotwise, I used to be very intimidated by the idea of plotting. Of course, now I plot in stages if the story is big (Innocence and Loneliness is only planned to Act I at the moment) and I write down a few notes and scenes. The trick with such intimidation is like a nightmare. The more you think about it, the more it consumes you and intimidates. Go at it with clear head, with a simple outline, and let ideas flow. I'd read it.

Poetry is always a good mix in narrative, if not for dramatic effect, but for thematic effect. It deepens work in many ways, when done right. Hit me up if you ever get the story off the ground, I'd give it a good gander.

Ack! My writing's on the back-burner lately. My story would have promise but it'll take some deep plotting and notes for me to continue it. Also, I'm trying to flesh out the characters. It makes it all so much easier to handle a deeper story. So Part Six will be the largest chunk for a while, while I plot it out and such. Thanks for reading it, but don't rush. It's a large piece of text, which sometimes scares people off.

Tyler
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#6

Posted 22 August 2013 - 11:05 PM

I dig it, Elan. Definitely a fantasy influence, have you been re-reading ASOIAF? tounge.gif

My only issue with it is this couplet:

QUOTE
Although such joyous hope may grow,

in the north winter's touch is loathe to ever truly go,


The flow is off. For me, the second line is too long and it kind of kills the momentum of the song because it feels like I trip over the line. It might just be me on that one, but I always prefer even lengths or a shorter ending to a rhyme, to keep it sharp and ready for the next one. Anyway, hope you post more, man. I love seeing your writing around here.

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#7

Posted 24 August 2013 - 08:58 PM

Thanks Tyler. That line is definitely clumsy, and there are probably a few good alternatives. I'm actually at the end of Return of the King, so I have been reading fantasy, but not ASOIAF as someone is borrowing AGOT from me and has yet to return it (which is annoying as I want to read the series for a third time).


Thanks for all the feedback guys.




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