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Russian Orthodox Church

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Osric
  • Osric

    In The Name Of The Moon

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  • Joined: 12 Apr 2009

#1

Posted 17 August 2013 - 05:56 PM

Chapter I

Saint Olga's Chapel
Southwestern Virginia
Nightfall, October 7th, The Near Future


It has been three weeks since the outbreak began. A virus originating with the Biotech Corporation's labs was unleashed upon the nation by corporatists affiliated with Biotech, a horrific virus that has caused those infected to die and come back as homicidal shambling monsters. The virus spread across the United States, but thanks to the efforts of both the US Government and the world at large, said virus did not go global and was confined to America. Now the country is under martial law as everyone makes their stand against the living dead.

I have been hiding out with my fellow brethren of the Faith at Saint Olga's Chapel just outside of the small rural town of Dante. Our chapel is well-stocked with food, water, medical supplies, and ammunition, but I have no idea how long we can hold out until order is restored....

The sun was setting, and the lights came on in the chapel's main sanctuary as our beloved priest, Father Roman Baryshnikov stood from the pulpit, taking count of all of us and making sure none of us were infected. Since none of us had left the chapel's grounds in at least a week or more, we were presumed safe. Father Baryshnikov was a tall and heavyset man in his mid-forties, with dark brown hair, a worn out face with a bulbous nose, and like most Orthodox clerics, a noticeable beard. Sitting next to me on each side were two young women, a pair of cousins who would only identify themselves as Uranus and Neptune. They were young, punkish-looking women, of Russian ethnicity and Orthodox Christian faith, but clearly Americanized both in birth and culture. Uranus was the older of the two, in her early twenties and unusually tall for a woman at six feet even. She had short dark blonde hair and a cute face, and generally kept a calm demeanor. Neptune was a shorter and younger woman, about 17 or 18, with long hair dyed blue-green. She was a fan of rave, techno, and punk, and thoroughly Americanized, but was also very devout as a Christian, praying every morning when she awoke and every night before she fell asleep. I never got their birth names, they took on the names of old Roman gods from Classical Mythology presumably for fun or youthful rebellion. Behind me were four people, three closer to my age and the third an elderly grandmother.

The four behind me were two brunette twin sisters Anna and Lara, both of them from Saint Petersburg and in their early-to-mid thirties, much like myself, an elderly woman named Sophia, who was an old pensioner from Voronezh that emigrated to America when the Soviet Union fell, and an armed survivalist clad in tactical gear named Edward. Edward was not Russian or of Russian origin, but was an American convert to the church. It was thanks to Edward that our chapel was secure.

Neptune was silently praying for peace as indicated by her closed eyes and kneeling position, and Uranus turned to me and said "Yuri, do you think anyone else in Dante is still alive? Or have they all succumbed to this virus? Honestly, as much as I appreciate the stocked safehouse here at Saint Olga's, I personally think we should all band together and make a run to one of those official fortified safezones that the army has set up all over the country. We have enough supplies to last us two years, thanks to the prepping efforts of Edward and Father Baryshnikov but how much longer can we defend our chapel from those hideous freaks? The only reason why we haven't been overrun is our rural location and even then, we had a few close calls. Had it not been for you and Edward, we'd all be dead, or dead-ish."

Uranus was right, we had to better secure our defenses.

Ziggy455
  • Ziggy455

    I'm the writer.

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  • Joined: 02 May 2007

#2

Posted 18 August 2013 - 10:32 PM

I'm assuming this is your BUYS story, but is now a standalone? That's fine. But I'll throw some general pointers your way. This big chunk here,

QUOTE
It has been three weeks since the outbreak began. A virus originating with the Biotech Corporation's labs was unleashed upon the nation by corporatists affiliated with Biotech, a horrific virus that has caused those infected to die and come back as homicidal shambling monsters. The virus spread across the United States, but thanks to the efforts of both the US Government and the world at large, said virus did not go global and was confined to America. Now the country is under martial law as everyone makes their stand against the living dead.


feels too much like exposition. I understand it's journal format, and as such, the way you express exposition can be hidden quite well within such a format, but this feels too forced. Why don't you just start off the journal by alluding to what has happened, but don't mention it? You'll reel in more readers by showing more and telling less, especially with zombie-fiction. I want to see where this goes before I give you a bigger amount of feedback. I like it though, it's got potential.

Osric
  • Osric

    In The Name Of The Moon

  • Members
  • Joined: 12 Apr 2009

#3

Posted 18 August 2013 - 11:13 PM

QUOTE (Ziggy455 @ Sunday, Aug 18 2013, 22:32)
I'm assuming this is your BUYS story, but is now a standalone? That's fine. But I'll throw some general pointers your way. This big chunk here,

QUOTE
It has been three weeks since the outbreak began. A virus originating with the Biotech Corporation's labs was unleashed upon the nation by corporatists affiliated with Biotech, a horrific virus that has caused those infected to die and come back as homicidal shambling monsters. The virus spread across the United States, but thanks to the efforts of both the US Government and the world at large, said virus did not go global and was confined to America. Now the country is under martial law as everyone makes their stand against the living dead.


feels too much like exposition. I understand it's journal format, and as such, the way you express exposition can be hidden quite well within such a format, but this feels too forced. Why don't you just start off the journal by alluding to what has happened, but don't mention it? You'll reel in more readers by showing more and telling less, especially with zombie-fiction. I want to see where this goes before I give you a bigger amount of feedback. I like it though, it's got potential.

I will keep that in mind. The reason why I was so expository was because it's styled like a journal, but then again, it does seem a little forced.

Will definitely work on it some more.




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