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The Note

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NYC PATROL
  • NYC PATROL

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#1

Posted 04 August 2013 - 06:32 PM Edited by NYC PATROL, 05 August 2013 - 07:51 PM.

Nothing you can do...to stop me now
I've made my decision...to that I vow

And nothing can change....thoughts within me
The past is history...I failed so miserably

And you loved me and I loved you
Our love was strong, stronger than glue

But you stopped loving me and I've been depressed
A cruel trick...or some kind of test

I gave you the universe, my soul...my heart
But you've pushed me away...like nothing...a tarp

I may never know what your intentions were
But it's too late now...this heart is hurt

Sleepless nights full of woe
If you care anymore....I do not know

What I've been through...If only you knew
You were my everything.....I'm broken in two

And so here I sit, alone and crying
.12 gauge in hand....goodbye my darling

ASIAN LAWYER
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#2

Posted 15 August 2013 - 09:15 AM

i see you're a fan of ellipses.
upsetting

Ziggy455
  • Ziggy455

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#3

Posted 25 August 2013 - 02:40 PM

Please ignore the post above. I find somebody who cannot use proper punctuation within a critique, has no reason to complain of such to somebody else.

I read this -and although the ellipses aren't needed- I enjoyed it. It's simple, straight to the point. A man has been scorned by a woman, and decides to take a 12. gauge to the head.


QUOTE
I gave you the universe, my soul...my heart
But you've pushed me away...like nothing...a tarp


I know you were going for something easy to push away, but where did you get tarp from? It just feels extremely foreign to what you're trying to show here. Remember, when rhyming, you can find words that seem similar to the previous one in order to give off the right kind of rhythm. Beyond that, there's not much I can really give you. You've got skill, and it'd be cool to see you come out with something a little less cliche.

Don't mistake that for an insult though, you're not a bad writer.

NYC PATROL
  • NYC PATROL

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#4

Posted 25 August 2013 - 04:24 PM Edited by NYC PATROL, 25 August 2013 - 04:26 PM.

Thanks for the feedback Ziggy. Really do appreciate it. And with the whole tarp thing, I was trying to get that
line to rhyme well I guess haha.

It's funny you mention the theme is a little cliche because I based the poem on how the past
6 months have been for me. (Minus the gun part haha)

But yeah emotion can bring out some very creative things in a person. I don't write that often but maybe in the
future I'll put something else together.

Ziggy455
  • Ziggy455

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#5

Posted 25 August 2013 - 04:37 PM

QUOTE (NYC PATROL @ Sunday, Aug 25 2013, 16:24)
Thanks for the feedback Ziggy. Really do appreciate it. And with the whole tarp thing, I was trying to get that
line to rhyme well I guess haha.

It's funny you mention the theme is a little cliche because I based the poem on how the past
6 months have been for me. (Minus the gun part haha)

But yeah emotion can bring out some very creative things in a person. I don't write that often but maybe in the
future I'll put something else together.

To quote a famous character, "Nothing is a cliche when it's happening to you." We've all been there, and had a girl break our heart or push us away. It's a way of life for most, some don't feel that pain though. (I can name a few who haven't even spoken to girls) And it's only a cliche because it's something that's been done to death. The vindictive woman, the destroyed man. Don't take it as a bad thing, because EVERYTHING'S been done to death. I'd like to see what kind of stuff you can come up differently away from this. Definitely got some skill in there.

Eminence
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#6

Posted 25 August 2013 - 04:48 PM

For me, it's not that the theme is cliche, it's more your execution of that theme.

Heartbreak is not a cliche. The word 'cliche' is being misused here, really. It's a universal theme; something that happens to the vast majority of people at some point or another. It's perhaps the most common, most easily relatable of emotional crises that there is.

Why else do you think that the great majority of songs are about love with a good proportion of those being about heartbreak?

So there's nothing wrong at all with writing about it. The issue is that most of your poem has literally been said/written before, line by line, beat by beat. There's nothing new or unique about it.

What would be more interesting yet also personal and intimate, which could be either a good or bad thing for you would be to try and explore the more unique details of your emotions and make your poem truly one of a kind. Find those little details unique to you and write about them, then package them in the more universal notion of heartbreak. Alternatively, it can be great to explore these emotions through metaphor: substitute in something else that will symbolically represent heartbreak (the most common and obvious of these, for example, being death itself, i.e. describing the end of a relationship as a literal death).

Nonetheless, writing about this experience can be extremely cathartic, so I hope you found some solace in getting your thoughts down on paper!




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