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What if I died?

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#1

Posted 03 August 2013 - 01:25 AM Edited by Antagonista, 03 August 2013 - 01:38 AM.

"What if I died?" by Antagonista.

It was cloudy outside
Before it was raining
But tears still fall down from my face
and I think to myself, what if I died?

I've thought about it before
I didn't have the guts to do it
But there was a sharp knife in the kitchen
my mother used it for everything

It could slice through a lot of things
like bread or a big box
I wonder if it could carve flesh
but would anyone care, if I died?

My family wouldn't care
All they do is fight
My brother picks on me
like I'm not even family

I'm sure no one would notice
They're all too busy doing their own thing
I think to myself, if I should do it
but would anyone care, if I died?


I would appreciate any compliments or comments, this is the first poem I'm sharing on the forums. I hope you guys like it and I will definitely share more stories and poems soon. smile.gif

TonyZimmzy
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#2

Posted 03 August 2013 - 01:36 AM

Unsure whether just writing a creative piece or something you feel strongly about. If the latter, I'm sure plenty of people would definitely care. I'm not a fan of playing critic -- especially on poetry as I know very little regarding it, but it seemed good. Jumping from slicing bread to a rubber ball threw me off, though. Seemed like an odd transition of items... ?

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#3

Posted 03 August 2013 - 01:40 AM

QUOTE (TonyZimmzy @ Friday, Aug 2 2013, 20:36)
Unsure whether just writing a creative piece or something you feel strongly about. If the latter, I'm sure plenty of people would definitely care. I'm not a fan of playing critic -- especially on poetry as I know very little regarding it, but it seemed good. Jumping from slicing bread to a rubber ball threw me off, though. Seemed like an odd transition of items... ?

Well honestly, I felt like writing something about what one of my friends has gone through. You could say it was a creative piece but then again it did happen to someone. I had nothing to think of after "like bread.." so I jumped to something that just popped into my head. It was completely random.

TonyZimmzy
  • TonyZimmzy

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#4

Posted 03 August 2013 - 01:43 AM

QUOTE (Antagonista @ Saturday, Aug 3 2013, 01:40)
QUOTE (TonyZimmzy @ Friday, Aug 2 2013, 20:36)
Unsure whether just writing a creative piece or something you feel strongly about. If the latter, I'm sure plenty of people would definitely care. I'm not a fan of playing critic -- especially on poetry as I know very little regarding it, but it seemed good. Jumping from slicing bread to a rubber ball threw me off, though. Seemed like an odd transition of items... ?

Well honestly, I felt like writing something about what one of my friends has gone through. You could say it was a creative piece but then again it did happen to someone. I had nothing to think of after "like bread.." so I jumped to something that just popped into my head. It was completely random.

Solid. I often do this myself. Maybe that's why I was so thrown off by it... never usually see other people do it. turn.gif




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