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Trevor

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Vice President
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#1

Posted 01 August 2013 - 04:23 PM Edited by Vice President, 01 August 2013 - 04:52 PM.

Trevor


Give feedback/analyse or whatever it's called smile.gif Thanks.




Blue waves crashed against the bloodstained, sandy beaches of Blain County, Los Santos where a stereotypically white trash male sat on a deck chair. He took a sip from the jug of beer in his left hand. The sky began to fade into darkness with fork lightning striking around him where various blood covered bodies lay. The man payed no attention to them and continued to drink the beer as the soothing sound of sirens and the blue and red flashing lights patrolled nearby searching for the "relapsing, psychotic, mass murdering..." they could go on forever, the guy really was a infamously unhinged mess.
Not that he cared, not about whole police force hunting him down, or about the family that he never had. Nothing bothered him, he'd seen some seriously f*cked up things, and worst of all, he'd done most of them himself. The man really was a monster,though it wasn't always like that. Once, he had a conscience but it disappeared as he thrived for action. He'd got a high-paying job as a pilot after the war. Soon after he found his brother, Michael, and began to take part in various crimes with him.
The man smirked as the sirens became louder and the lights came closer. He took one last sip of the beer and stood up, rubbing his hands down his white tanktop. His face was complex, he had a receeding hairline and a mole on the side of his cheek. He took a step forward with his hands on his head.

A police car stopped just a few meters away and a tanned female police officer dashed over. The man laughed and tried to keep a straight face.

"Trevor Phillips, I'm arresting you on suspicions of mass murder, gang violence, slander, assault... f*ck this, I don't have a whole hour to go through this. I'm taking you straight to maximum security prison," The police officer muttered through her thick mexican accent.

Trevor began to laugh again and rolled around on the floor hysterically giggling. The woman frowned and stepped closer to him, he regained his balance and stood back up.

"Officer Vasquez? This is too much, I'm so f*cking done! Shouldn't you be arresting drunk teenagers and washed up celebrities? I think you should," Trevor chuckled.

"That is enough, Mr Philiips, get in the car!"

"Gonna make me lady?"

"I won't ask again!"

"Go before I stick my dick through your doughnuts, pig."

"You asked for it," Vasquez stated as she took a taser out of her jacket pocket and shot Trevor in the crotch.

"Whoaaaa, what a rush," Trevor squealed.

Vasquez ripped the walkie-talkie off her belt and shouted into it "I'm gonna need some back up here quick! The suspect is dangerous and is resisting arrest, I lost my handcuffs,"

Trevor creeps up to Vasquez and puts his mouth next to her ear.

"I was told never to hit a girl, but I wasn't told not to headbutt one," Trevor stated as his head collised with Vasquez's.

Trevor dashed through to the sand and entered the driver's seat of the car, he sped away with the other police cars in pursuit.

albanyave
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#2

Posted 01 August 2013 - 06:28 PM

Oh yeah! Trevor is a really bad guy. Vasquez would never had been able to cuff that lunatic. I guess it's good for her that she only got knocked out. biggrin.gif

I like this one.

Tycek
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#3

Posted 01 August 2013 - 06:51 PM

I've spotted couple of mistakes:

-First, it's Blaine County and second how could smaller administrative unit go after bigger one. I believe first is city, then county and state. Besides isn't Blaine county next to Los Santos, so it should go Blaine County, SA?
-Michael isn't Trevor's brother. Who came up with something as ridiculous?
-Shouldn't it be: where various blood covered bodies laid instead of lay?
-They sent one rather small woman to arrest relapsing, psychotic, mass murdering... kind of guy? Are there that serious lacks in Police department?


I wouldn't mind seeing a bit more about Trevor behaviour in that situation. I imagined he would be kind of like redneck Jack Nicholson with crazy eyes and really scary smile, which makes you not sure if he's really happy to see or just thinking which torture would be the most painful one. Maybe some picturing of his face or simply showing more of his craziness could help.

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#4

Posted 01 August 2013 - 06:53 PM

Thanks icon14.gif. About three months ago, I made one for Michael which shown him as a wife-beating, dirty sex addict. Looks like in three months, I have to do a Franklin fan fic. Secret: I was gonna write it so that Trevor rapes the doughnut and forces Vasquez to watch.


Franklin fic coming soon...

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#5

Posted 01 August 2013 - 07:01 PM

QUOTE (Tycek @ Thursday, Aug 1 2013, 18:51)
I've spotted couple of mistakes:

-First, it's Blaine County and second how could smaller administrative unit go after bigger one. I believe first is city, then county and state. Besides isn't Blaine county next to Los Santos, so it should go Blaine County, SA?
-Michael isn't Trevor's brother. Who came up with something as ridiculous?
-Shouldn't it be: where various blood covered bodies laid instead of lay?
-They sent one rather small woman to arrest relapsing, psychotic, mass murdering... kind of guy? Are there that serious lacks in Police department?


I wouldn't mind seeing a bit more about Trevor behaviour in that situation. I imagined he would be kind of like redneck Jack Nicholson with crazy eyes and really scary smile, which makes you not sure if he's really happy to see or just thinking which torture would be the most painful one. Maybe some picturing of his face or simply showing more of his craziness could help.

Thanks for the feedback. icon14.gif

I'll change the Blaine County thing

Micheal could be Trevors brother, there is no evidence against it.

I'm not sure about the laid/lay thing but I think it's lay

It's Officer Vasquez.... and yeah, Trevor's killed them all.

Zugzwang
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#6

Posted 02 August 2013 - 02:07 AM

I like the idea for this story (psychotic thug enjoying a beer while he reminisces and waits for the cops to arrive) but I think there are a couple things you could tweak. The opening paragraph makes it look like you really have a lot of ideas for this character, which is great, but you seem to be in a rush to get them all into the story. It might be worth being a little bit more subtle with these things, and possibly just alluding to them rather than outright saying them. Also I think some of the dialogue is perhaps just a little too unrealistic- still I got that there was supposed to be some humor there, and I really did enjoy the idea of him shrugging off a tazer to the crotch. There were a few spelling/grammar things that could be fixed up with a quick look through.

Anyway, I like the idea a lot and there is some definite potential here. Keep it up.

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#7

Posted 02 August 2013 - 02:15 AM

Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it. icon14.gif

I'm gonna do a lot of editing, I'm working on something for a friend now so I can't edit right away. tounge.gif




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