Posted 31 July 2013 - 09:25 AM
The only point of happiness is to keep you from killing yourself before more suffering starts. Well I'm tired of waiting.
Recently all I really enjoyed was going to bed. More often than not I have trouble getting comfortable. The sheets are dusty so I get itchy all over, too... I need to get up to piss every 10 minutes and if I'm drinking my cock starts to burn... But those couple of minutes before I finally fall asleep are pure bliss. In those moments I find the strength to stay out of the past, or the future. I just focus on my body and how it's relaxing.
But it's pretty foolish to stay around for just a couple minutes every twenty-four hour period isn't it? Granted, I've started sleeping more and more. I guess that's a good thing. But is it worth staying around for four? Or six? Only six minutes of happiness a day? I guess this brings up the question- how often does one have to be happy for life to be worth living?
My ex says she's concerned about me... I'm concerned for the people of Ethiopia but I'm not going to do sh*t to help them either. If I died tonight she'd be pretty upset... for a couple months. I guess a few people would be. I'm not living under the delusion that no one cares about me like most people who write these notes. But then you put it into numbers- maybe a dozen people would have a couple months of pain if I went through with this. That's a couple years right there. My dad would struggle with it for a long time, I don't doubt that.. Add on another 20 before he dies of stress, and I guess, cumulatively, this move causes about 22 years of suffering. Well I guess, from a utilitarian perspective, I ought to go through with it if I'm to live past 39.
I'm not going to a good college... My brother's going to live a happy life... My dad won't. My mom doesn't give a sh*t about any of the crap she's put me through. I just get thought after thought after thought like this... Like a hornet buzzing around my skull and making me cringe and squirm every hour of every day. I guess the other end of the spectrum for me are thoughts like 'Mmm that donut was nice', 'that movie was great', or 'I'm really enjoying this song'. See what I mean? You don't. The suffering in this life is so stretched out, eternal in a lot of ways, but what pleasure there is to be had is so unbearably ephemeral. Inherent in ephemeral pleasure is this suffering that comes from wishing they weren't so..... damn ephemeral.
I was once a Christian... or a deist... or something. I thought if I killed myself I'd go to Hell. Now I'm just a coward. I can't even bring the knife to my throat.
They tell you to get help for this. Sounds great until you realize what they mean by 'help'. f*cking hospitalization, therapists, wilderness programs... Suffering only spawns more suffering. Stupid c*nts at those hospitals. Everyone who works there. The worst part is they think they're doing a good thing- "OH it'll be great! We'll keep you in this isolated environment, away from friends, family, and anything else you enjoy being in the presence of!" What f*cking idiots!!! I almost want to go through with this just to show them that they failed.
But here's the problem... I want to see them realizing they failed. I want to see people reading this note. I want to see all the things that happen when I'm gone, but for that to happen I can't be gone. So what do I do?
Just to be safe, the above is a complete work of fiction- even if it is written in the first person. No need to be worried about Zugzwang
Posted 31 July 2013 - 09:31 AM
Posted 31 July 2013 - 01:05 PM
|QUOTE (Zugzwang @ Wednesday, Jul 31 2013, 09:25)|
|So what do I do?|
Find someone that looks exactly like you, kill them then leave their body in your room. Watch the show!
I hope you know I'm joking, nice story
Posted 31 July 2013 - 08:29 PM
|QUOTE (AceRay @ Wednesday, Jul 31 2013, 09:31)|
|Hey, there was no character named Ward in this story, what's going on here? This is no longer the Zugzwang that we all know and love.|
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. The next story will have two Ward's to make up for this.
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