Quantcast

Jump to content

» «
Photo

Fur Elise

14 replies to this topic
aritrabose
  • aritrabose

    Yipee Kay-yay Motherf*cker !

  • Members
  • Joined: 07 May 2013

#1

Posted 27 July 2013 - 03:54 PM Edited by aritrabose, 27 July 2013 - 04:26 PM.

Fur Elise

It was playing once again, that very piece of music that drove him mad, the very Beethoven that uncaged the beast within him. But right now, he needed it.
Marcus was grinning. The sentry holding him wasn’t amused. “What’s so funny?”
“The fact that I’m gonna f*ck you all in a matter of a few seconds is funny. Thanks for the ringtone on your mobile phone.”
The sentry bashed his head with the floor.”Don’t mention it.”He said.
That moment, something in Marcus’ head snapped, he sprung up from the floor, his ponytail now opened up, covering his face. Marcus took the sentry’s pistol and shot the others in the head, then threw down the gun and took the remaining sentry by his collar and bashed his head against the floor, then again, and again, and again.
“Blood, Flood, Mud, Cud, Bud is this majesty’s work, fork, trick, murk, dork.” The red eyed beast now in control of Marcus grinned.
“ You are going to hell, tell the devil that I sent my regards."
The Beast got up, and ruffled his hair."This is going to be one hell of a day"


Six Months ago

Marcus A. Movius was a happy man, and right now, he might be the happiest, he was sitting in a car, and on his way home after receiving the Pulitzer price. But then something happened.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Stay tuned for more,CYA lol.gif


aritrabose
  • aritrabose

    Yipee Kay-yay Motherf*cker !

  • Members
  • Joined: 07 May 2013

#2

Posted 28 July 2013 - 03:54 PM

Somebody, one reply?
c'mon

MacAshford
  • MacAshford

    /x/ lurker

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 29 Jun 2013
  • United-Nations

#3

Posted 28 July 2013 - 04:18 PM Edited by Vice President, 28 July 2013 - 05:25 PM.

I'm on mobile at the minute so I can't really give any feedback properly. I'll update this post in about half of an hour when I get home with some helpful feedback. smile.gif


EDIT:

Firstly, the sentence with all of the rhyming doesn't.really make any sense. Secondly, you need to explain what's going on more. I just really don't get what's going on. Thirdly, it needs to be longer. Fourtly, isn't sentry another word for robot. Fifthly, is Marcus the beast? This really does need more background. smile.gif

aritrabose
  • aritrabose

    Yipee Kay-yay Motherf*cker !

  • Members
  • Joined: 07 May 2013

#4

Posted 29 July 2013 - 09:36 AM

QUOTE (Vice President @ Sunday, Jul 28 2013, 16:18)
I'm on mobile at the minute so I can't really give any feedback properly. I'll update this post in about half of an hour when I get home with some helpful feedback. smile.gif


EDIT:

Firstly, the sentence with all of the rhyming doesn't.really make any sense. Secondly, you need to explain what's going on more. I just really don't get what's going on. Thirdly, it needs to be longer. Fourtly, isn't sentry another word for robot. Fifthly, is Marcus the beast? This really does need more background. smile.gif

Marcus is the beast, sentry means guard, I'll edit the rhyming words when I'll get time, and it was wriiten while I had a writer's block, I'll update it soon. alien.gif

Ziggy455
  • Ziggy455

    Ain't nothin' over til it's over.

  • Andolini Mafia Family
  • Joined: 02 May 2007
  • United-Kingdom
  • Contribution Award [Expression]

#5

Posted 29 July 2013 - 06:51 PM Edited by Ziggy455, 29 July 2013 - 06:54 PM.

QUOTE (aritrabose @ Saturday, Jul 27 2013, 15:54)
Fur Elise

It was playing once again, that very piece of music that drove him mad, the very Beethoven that uncaged the beast within him. But right now, he needed it. Marcus was grinning. The sentry holding him wasn’t amused. (1)

“What’s so funny?”  

“The fact that I’m gonna f*ck you all in a matter of a few seconds is funny. Thanks for the ringtone on your mobile phone.”

(2) The sentry bashed his head with the floor. ”Don’t mention it.” He said.

That moment, something in Marcus’ head snapped, he sprung up from the floor, his ponytail now opened up, covering his face. Marcus took the sentry’s pistol and shot the others in the head, then threw down the gun and took the remaining sentry by his collar and bashed his head against the floor, then again, and again, and again.

“Blood, Flood, Mud, Cud, Bud is this majesty’s work, fork, trick, murk, dork.” The red eyed beast now in control of Marcus grinned.

(3) “You are going to hell, tell the devil that I sent my regards."

The Beast got up, and ruffled his hair."This is going to be one hell of a day"


Six Months ago

(4) Marcus A. Movius was a happy man, and right now, he might be the happiest, he was sitting in a car, and on his way home after receiving the Pulitzer price. But then something happened.

(5) XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Stay tuned for more,CYA  lol.gif

I'll break it down for you to help you a little. I'll give you an editorial and a creative aspect of it.

First, editorial.

1. All of it is spaced together and that's not appealing to the eye. Remember, space! And each new piece of dialogue starts on a new line. Notice how that dialogue has been moved to a new line, and then after it, the response starts on another line too.

2. Have you ever heard of show don't tell? You've told us that the sentry bashed his head to the floor, but that's dull and as if you're relaying the information with a drone voice. Try and find exciting new ways to get around explaining. Instead of
QUOTE
The sentry bashed his head with the floor.
you could quite easily have something like:
QUOTE
The sentry's skull cracked as he collided with the floor, the man's hand a ferocious guide of pain.


3. This is one of the most overused lined within both fiction on screen and in books. Mix it up. Not everything is one-liner material.

4. To reiterate what I've put before, you seem to be telling us what's going on instead of showing us. We want to see Marcus as a happy man. We want to be able to relate, to be able to get an inside scoop into who he is and how he works and what makes him tick. Then we want to see how something happened to him.

5. Don't do this: XXXXXXXXXXXXXX. It's very tacky and unnecessary.

Right, creative now:

The story's barely a story at the moment. It's original, thank God, but I think you really need to think this through because I'm not seeing much of a narrative at the moment. He fights a sentry, he leaves. He wins a prize and then 'something happens'. I'd like to see what happens, but I don't want you to tell me! I want you to show me! Does he get into a fight? Does he get shot? Does his car crash? Do aliens take over? Where do you want to go with this?

aritrabose
  • aritrabose

    Yipee Kay-yay Motherf*cker !

  • Members
  • Joined: 07 May 2013

#6

Posted 02 August 2013 - 12:05 PM Edited by aritrabose, 02 August 2013 - 04:20 PM.

Chapter One: Part One
Marcus hummed on the tune playing in his cars radio system, then, suddenly his phone rang, it was his wife's number.
"Yeah, tell me about it."
Somebody shrieked at the other end.
"Che Cazzo!" Marcus exclaimed.
"Huh, we're swearing at the Mafia now, are we, Marcus? Whatever, if you wanna see your wife, Alice, right? Again, meet me in the north woods, and yes, bring 12 million, 1 hour.
Marcus floored his accelerator, his car veered over the 100 kilometer speed mark.

1 hour later

"Marcus, Marcus, Marcus, if only had you come a second later, we'd have killed her."The enforcer with a pistol said.
"Here's 12 mil, now let her go." Marcus replied.
"Nah, what d'you think boys?" Enforcer said
The rest if the mafia laughed in unison.
Marcus's skull crackled and skin broke when the enforcer hit him with his pistol and then walked to his wife.
"Looks like we're gonna have some fun."
"You're gonna pay for it Brutto figlio di puttana, you are gonna pay." Marcus said, tears flowing down his eyes.
The enforcer played 'Fur Elise' on his mobile phone before unzipping his pants and undressing Alice
Marcus could not take it anymore, he blacked out, 'Fur Elise' still playing inside his head, combined with Alice's shrieks.

---------------------X----------------------

Italian words used :-

Che Cazzo- What the f*ck
Brutto figlio di puttana- ugly son of a bitch

aritrabose
  • aritrabose

    Yipee Kay-yay Motherf*cker !

  • Members
  • Joined: 07 May 2013

#7

Posted 04 August 2013 - 02:08 AM

C'mon, added the first part, read and comment. sad.gif

Ziggy455
  • Ziggy455

    Ain't nothin' over til it's over.

  • Andolini Mafia Family
  • Joined: 02 May 2007
  • United-Kingdom
  • Contribution Award [Expression]

#8

Posted 05 August 2013 - 04:38 PM Edited by Ziggy455, 05 August 2013 - 04:41 PM.

Alright, I'll give it an editor and creative one-shot again.

QUOTE
Chapter One: Part One
Marcus hummed on the tune playing in his cars radio system, then, suddenly his phone rang, it was his wife's number.
"Yeah, tell me about it."
Somebody shrieked at the other end.
"Che Cazzo!" Marcus exclaimed.
"Huh, we're swearing at the Mafia now, are we, Marcus? Whatever, if you wanna see your wife, Alice, right? Again, meet me in the north woods, and yes, bring 12 million, 1 hour.
Marcus floored his accelerator, his car veered over the 100 kilometer speed mark.

(1) 1 hour later

(2) "Marcus, Marcus, Marcus, if only had you come a second later, we'd have killed her."The enforcer with a pistol said.
"Here's 12 mil, now let her go.(3)" Marcus replied.
"Nah, what d'you think boys?" Enforcer said
The rest if the mafia laughed in unison.



Alright, we'll go with the editorial parts.

(1) Always write numbers with words!
QUOTE
One hour later.
is much better.

(2) SPACING! Unless you're writing dialogue WITHIN a paragraph, each new speaker starts on a new line:

QUOTE
"Marcus, Marcus, Marcus, if only had you come a second later, we'd have killed her."The enforcer with a pistol said.
[SPACE]
"Here's twelve mil', now let her go." Marcus replied.
[SPACE]
"Nah, what d'you think boys?" Enforcer said.
[SPACE]
The rest if the mafia laughed in unison.


(4) When somebody speaks, and you say 'he/she replies/speaks' than you have to remember that dialogue ends with a comma!

QUOTE
"Here's twelve mil', now let her go." Marcus replied.


should be:

"Here's twelve mil'! Now let her go , " replied Marcus. You are explaining who said the dialogue. REMEMBER. Little things like this can trip you up.

QUOTE
---------------------X----------------------
Please don't keep doing this! It's tacky.

Creatively, there's not much here. Not only are your chapters extremely short, they're lacking any kind of detail. You're telling us again -albeit I can see you trying to show a little- and that's not going to make people want to read this any further. Add in some more detail now and again. I'm not really enjoying how short it is or how you're trying to link it to crime.

aritrabose
  • aritrabose

    Yipee Kay-yay Motherf*cker !

  • Members
  • Joined: 07 May 2013

#9

Posted 06 August 2013 - 04:03 PM

QUOTE (Ziggy455 @ Monday, Aug 5 2013, 16:38)
Alright, I'll give it an editor and creative one-shot again.

QUOTE
Chapter One: Part One
Marcus hummed on the tune playing in his cars radio system, then, suddenly his phone rang, it was his wife's number.
"Yeah, tell me about it."
Somebody shrieked at the other end.
"Che Cazzo!" Marcus exclaimed.
"Huh, we're swearing at the Mafia now, are we, Marcus? Whatever, if you wanna see your wife, Alice, right? Again, meet me in the north woods, and yes, bring 12 million, 1 hour.
Marcus floored his accelerator, his car veered over the 100 kilometer speed mark.

(1) 1 hour later

(2) "Marcus, Marcus, Marcus, if only had you come a second later, we'd have killed her."The enforcer with a pistol said.
"Here's 12 mil, now let her go.(3)" Marcus replied.
"Nah, what d'you think boys?" Enforcer said
The rest if the mafia laughed in unison.



Alright, we'll go with the editorial parts.

(1) Always write numbers with words!
QUOTE
One hour later.
is much better.

(2) SPACING! Unless you're writing dialogue WITHIN a paragraph, each new speaker starts on a new line:

QUOTE
"Marcus, Marcus, Marcus, if only had you come a second later, we'd have killed her."The enforcer with a pistol said.
[SPACE]
"Here's twelve mil', now let her go." Marcus replied.
[SPACE]
"Nah, what d'you think boys?" Enforcer said.
[SPACE]
The rest if the mafia laughed in unison.


(4) When somebody speaks, and you say 'he/she replies/speaks' than you have to remember that dialogue ends with a comma!

QUOTE
"Here's twelve mil', now let her go." Marcus replied.


should be:

"Here's twelve mil'! Now let her go , " replied Marcus. You are explaining who said the dialogue. REMEMBER. Little things like this can trip you up.

QUOTE
---------------------X----------------------
Please don't keep doing this! It's tacky.

Creatively, there's not much here. Not only are your chapters extremely short, they're lacking any kind of detail. You're telling us again -albeit I can see you trying to show a little- and that's not going to make people want to read this any further. Add in some more detail now and again. I'm not really enjoying how short it is or how you're trying to link it to crime.

Can you please show me an example, Ziggy?, like, um, you post a chapter, related to this one, and show me how it's done, and yeah, I'm suffering from Writer'd Block so the chapters are so short and not so creative, please help me.

Ziggy455
  • Ziggy455

    Ain't nothin' over til it's over.

  • Andolini Mafia Family
  • Joined: 02 May 2007
  • United-Kingdom
  • Contribution Award [Expression]

#10

Posted 06 August 2013 - 08:58 PM Edited by Ziggy455, 06 August 2013 - 09:07 PM.

Alright, well I'll show you by example. We'll see if I can help at all.

In school -not so long ago- I was taught that paragraphs are descriptive sections. These sections normally consist of five sentences. This is not a rule for all. Some paragraphs have less, some more! But five is a solid amount for any paragraph.

When we're looking at you're work, you are writing your chapters as if they are but one paragraph. Let me show you how many sentences you have written for your first chapter.


QUOTE
Chapter One: Part One
Marcus hummed on the tune playing in his cars radio system, then, suddenly his phone rang, it was his wife's number. One here.
"Yeah, tell me about it." Two!
Somebody shrieked at the other end. Three now!
"Che Cazzo!" Marcus exclaimed. Four here!
"Huh, we're swearing at the Mafia now, are we, Marcus? Whatever, if you wanna see your wife, Alice, right? Again, meet me in the north woods, and yes, bring 12 million, 1 hour. Five!
Marcus floored his accelerator, his car veered over the 100 kilometer speed mark. Six!

1 hour later

"Marcus, Marcus, Marcus, if only had you come a second later, we'd have killed her."The enforcer with a pistol said. Seven!
"Here's 12 mil, now let her go." Marcus replied. Eight!
"Nah, what d'you think boys?" Enforcer said. Nine!
The rest if the mafia laughed in unison. Ten
Marcus's skull crackled and skin broke when the enforcer hit him with his pistol and then walked to his wife. Eleven!
"Looks like we're gonna have some fun." Twelve!
"You're gonna pay for it Brutto figlio di puttana, you are gonna pay." Marcus said, tears flowing down his eyes. Thirteen!
The enforcer played 'Fur Elise' on his mobile phone before unzipping his pants and undressing Alice. Fourteen!
Marcus could not take it anymore, he blacked out, 'Fur Elise' still playing inside his head, combined with Alice's shrieks. Fifteen!


Alright. More or less, you've got fifteen sentences for your first chapter. If we follow me -not-set-in-stone-rule of five sentences to a paragraph, then structurally you've got three paragraphs for a first chapter! What is writing? It's not just external plot and action (that's for the hack writers like James Patterson.) Real writing consists of four things.

External conflict: The man is killed/The rain pours down on the black car!
External Dialogue: "I'm so sorry, John!" - "f*ck THIS RAIN!"
Internal Thought: I just killed a man! I took a life... - God, I really hate rain!
Internal conflict: Jimmy killed John, why? Because he had to choose to kill himself or another!

Are you starting to see? You aren't facing Writer's Block! You are condensing down your work to small proportions! Don't just give us action and dialogue! Give us internal thought! Give us hints! Show conflict with the rain against the car! Show us why the man had to kill, show us why he won't.

To show you more of an example, let's get a look at your first chapter. With added internal thoughts and paragraphs of the action.


QUOTE
Marcus gently hummed along as he sped along the street. His radio was up way past the normal volume, but he liked it. As he turned another corner, he felt the vibration in his pocket. Yanking out his phone that lit up like a Christmas tree, he turned down his volume and put the phone close to his ear.

"Yeah, tell me about it."

A shriek filled the phone with its normal static buzz.

"Che Cazzo!" yelled Marcus as he pulled the phone away from his head. You better not hurt her.

"Huh? We're swearing at the Mafia now, are we, Marcus?! You can split this dialogue up with something else. Nobody likes dialogue that goes on and on, and most likely Marcus is doing something while the other man talks. "Whatever, if you wanna see her (I've replaced wife with her! This is a way of showing instead of telling, see? We as the readers want to learn who 'she' is. We don't need you to tell us! again, meet me in the north woods, and bring twelve now." (Twelve what? We want to find out. Remember! DON'T TELL.

Marcus hit the accelerator as hard as possible. The lights side by side sped by with connecting blurs, all dim, all bright. Internal thought can be explained too like so: He had to get there! If they wanted twelve now instead of eleven, then they were obviously annoyed by his slowness. He couldn't help it! The car was borrowed by his neighbour, the cheapest bastard he knew.

1 hour later

"Marky, Marky, Marky, if only had you come a second later, we'd have killed her," the enforcer with a pistol said. taunted the burly enforcer in his best salmon suit, a scratched M1911 in his fat hand. In his other was a clump of hair connected to Alice's bruised head.

"There's the twelve million," said Marcus weakly. He threw the bag that had recently been full of oily tools. It landed with a heavy thud. So much cash, but she's worth every buck. "now let her go," he added loudly.

"Nah, what d'you think boys?" the salmon suited man said as he looked around, other similar suited members lurking from the shadows slowly scrambled out. Marcus didn't move, his eyes scanned all around. There's twelve of them! They all let out taunting laughs that ended with a crescendo of tar-stained raspy chuckles.

The rest if the mafia laughed in unison. This was your previous sentence. Look above, see the difference?

Marcus's skull crackled and skin broke when the enforcer hit him with his pistol and then walked to his wife. This is a big piece of action. It's a page turner because Marcus is injured. Assuming this is the man we're rooting for, you've pretty much given a big chunk of action within a tiny time. You could afford to put a paragraph at least on this. You could have one line of action, one of dialogue, one of Alice's response, another internal thought, and more action! Let me show you:

[b]Sentence one is action:
The enforcer lunged forward, his fat hands slipping from Alice's hair, a scrawny dark-skinned kid in a tophat caught her as she fell. Second sentence is dialogue and action. "Alice, no--" began Marcus but the butt of the M1911 crashed down hard on his head, red hot pain coated his skull as he hit the floor with blackness swarming into his vision. Sentence three is internal thought : I'm blacking out, oh God! I'm sorry, Alice... Sentence four: Action again! As Marcus slid to the floor, fresh blood spewing from the gash in his head, the crew-members covered their ears, "NOOOOOOO, MARCUS!" screamed Alice as she thrashed about, the dark-skinned man's hands like vices. Last sentence: Dialogue! "Looks like we're gonna have some fun."


"You're gonna pay for this, Brutto figlio di puttana, you are gonna pay," Marcus said weakly.

The enforcer played 'Fur Elise' on his mobile phone before unzipping his pants and undressing Alice
Marcus could not take it anymore, he blacked out, 'Fur Elise' still playing inside his head, combined with Alice's shrieks.


Again. You're telling us everything! I can see the image you're trying to give. It can be powerful, but in order to give it more of an effect, you've gotta show us. Instead of saying what is playing, explain the music. Explain the buildup, the playfulness of the piano, and let your reader feel the scene. Here's how you show.

QUOTE
The enforcer played 'Fur Elise' on his mobile phone before unzipping his pants and undressing Alice
Marcus could not take it anymore, he blacked out, 'Fur Elise' still playing inside his head, combined with Alice's shrieks.


Which one sets the scene more?

QUOTE
In the painful embrace of seeping darkness, Marcus heard the click of something. The bulky salmon-suited enforcer's fingers lit up as he tapped his phone, and from it came the calming melodic rhythms of Beethoven. As if time had slowed, the enforcer gently swayed to the music which rose with a barrage of piano keys, high and low. Fur Elise. He slowly made his way to over to a thrashing Alice who continued to scream. Slowly, but sensually, he traced his fat fingers over her top, but as the music turned darker, as the piano continued an onslaught of melodic bashes, he tore the white top from her, and Salmon-suit's hands slipped down to his zipper. Oh God. The last thing Marcus remembered was Alice's shrieks in the darkness, and then no more.


Which seems more powerful? You'll see my paragraphs go beyond five sentences, but remember. Once you know the rules, you can learn to tweak them.

This isn't to compare skill, because I'm sh*t myself, but I know the basics of actually showing. Can you see what I mean now? Don't just think about what we can see in the scene! What can we taste, smell, feel, and hear too?

aritrabose
  • aritrabose

    Yipee Kay-yay Motherf*cker !

  • Members
  • Joined: 07 May 2013

#11

Posted 07 August 2013 - 04:38 PM Edited by aritrabose, 07 August 2013 - 04:41 PM.

QUOTE (Ziggy455 @ Tuesday, Aug 6 2013, 20:58)
Alright, well I'll show you by example. We'll see if I can help at all.

In school -not so long ago- I was taught that paragraphs are descriptive sections. These sections normally consist of five sentences. This is not a rule for all. Some paragraphs have less, some more! But five is a solid amount for any paragraph.

When we're looking at you're work, you are writing your chapters as if they are but one paragraph. Let me show you how many sentences you have written for your first chapter.


QUOTE
Chapter One: Part One
Marcus hummed on the tune playing in his cars radio system, then, suddenly his phone rang, it was his wife's number. One here.
"Yeah, tell me about it." Two!
Somebody shrieked at the other end. Three now!
"Che Cazzo!" Marcus exclaimed. Four here!
"Huh, we're swearing at the Mafia now, are we, Marcus? Whatever, if you wanna see your wife, Alice, right? Again, meet me in the north woods, and yes, bring 12 million, 1 hour. Five!
Marcus floored his accelerator, his car veered over the 100 kilometer speed mark. Six!

1 hour later

"Marcus, Marcus, Marcus, if only had you come a second later, we'd have killed her."The enforcer with a pistol said. Seven!
"Here's 12 mil, now let her go." Marcus replied. Eight!
"Nah, what d'you think boys?" Enforcer said. Nine!
The rest if the mafia laughed in unison. Ten
Marcus's skull crackled and skin broke when the enforcer hit him with his pistol and then walked to his wife. Eleven!
"Looks like we're gonna have some fun." Twelve!
"You're gonna pay for it Brutto figlio di puttana, you are gonna pay." Marcus said, tears flowing down his eyes. Thirteen!
The enforcer played 'Fur Elise' on his mobile phone before unzipping his pants and undressing Alice. Fourteen!
Marcus could not take it anymore, he blacked out, 'Fur Elise' still playing inside his head, combined with Alice's shrieks. Fifteen!


Alright. More or less, you've got fifteen sentences for your first chapter. If we follow me -not-set-in-stone-rule of five sentences to a paragraph, then structurally you've got three paragraphs for a first chapter! What is writing? It's not just external plot and action (that's for the hack writers like James Patterson.) Real writing consists of four things.

External conflict: The man is killed/The rain pours down on the black car!
External Dialogue: "I'm so sorry, John!" - "f*ck THIS RAIN!"
Internal Thought: I just killed a man! I took a life... - God, I really hate rain!
Internal conflict: Jimmy killed John, why? Because he had to choose to kill himself or another!

Are you starting to see? You aren't facing Writer's Block! You are condensing down your work to small proportions! Don't just give us action and dialogue! Give us internal thought! Give us hints! Show conflict with the rain against the car! Show us why the man had to kill, show us why he won't.

To show you more of an example, let's get a look at your first chapter. With added internal thoughts and paragraphs of the action.


QUOTE
Marcus gently hummed along as he sped along the street. His radio was up way past the normal volume, but he liked it. As he turned another corner, he felt the vibration in his pocket. Yanking out his phone that lit up like a Christmas tree, he turned down his volume and put the phone close to his ear.

"Yeah, tell me about it."

A shriek filled the phone with its normal static buzz.

"Che Cazzo!" yelled Marcus as he pulled the phone away from his head. You better not hurt her.

"Huh? We're swearing at the Mafia now, are we, Marcus?! You can split this dialogue up with something else. Nobody likes dialogue that goes on and on, and most likely Marcus is doing something while the other man talks. "Whatever, if you wanna see her (I've replaced wife with her! This is a way of showing instead of telling, see? We as the readers want to learn who 'she' is. We don't need you to tell us! again, meet me in the north woods, and bring twelve now." (Twelve what? We want to find out. Remember! DON'T TELL.

Marcus hit the accelerator as hard as possible. The lights side by side sped by with connecting blurs, all dim, all bright. Internal thought can be explained too like so: He had to get there! If they wanted twelve now instead of eleven, then they were obviously annoyed by his slowness. He couldn't help it! The car was borrowed by his neighbour, the cheapest bastard he knew.

1 hour later

"Marky, Marky, Marky, if only had you come a second later, we'd have killed her," the enforcer with a pistol said. taunted the burly enforcer in his best salmon suit, a scratched M1911 in his fat hand. In his other was a clump of hair connected to Alice's bruised head.

"There's the twelve million," said Marcus weakly. He threw the bag that had recently been full of oily tools. It landed with a heavy thud. So much cash, but she's worth every buck. "now let her go," he added loudly.

"Nah, what d'you think boys?" the salmon suited man said as he looked around, other similar suited members lurking from the shadows slowly scrambled out. Marcus didn't move, his eyes scanned all around. There's twelve of them! They all let out taunting laughs that ended with a crescendo of tar-stained raspy chuckles.

The rest if the mafia laughed in unison. This was your previous sentence. Look above, see the difference?

Marcus's skull crackled and skin broke when the enforcer hit him with his pistol and then walked to his wife. This is a big piece of action. It's a page turner because Marcus is injured. Assuming this is the man we're rooting for, you've pretty much given a big chunk of action within a tiny time. You could afford to put a paragraph at least on this. You could have one line of action, one of dialogue, one of Alice's response, another internal thought, and more action! Let me show you:

[b]Sentence one is action:
The enforcer lunged forward, his fat hands slipping from Alice's hair, a scrawny dark-skinned kid in a tophat caught her as she fell. Second sentence is dialogue and action. "Alice, no--" began Marcus but the butt of the M1911 crashed down hard on his head, red hot pain coated his skull as he hit the floor with blackness swarming into his vision. Sentence three is internal thought : I'm blacking out, oh God! I'm sorry, Alice... Sentence four: Action again! As Marcus slid to the floor, fresh blood spewing from the gash in his head, the crew-members covered their ears, "NOOOOOOO, MARCUS!" screamed Alice as she thrashed about, the dark-skinned man's hands like vices. Last sentence: Dialogue! "Looks like we're gonna have some fun."


"You're gonna pay for this, Brutto figlio di puttana, you are gonna pay," Marcus said weakly.

The enforcer played 'Fur Elise' on his mobile phone before unzipping his pants and undressing Alice
Marcus could not take it anymore, he blacked out, 'Fur Elise' still playing inside his head, combined with Alice's shrieks.


Again. You're telling us everything! I can see the image you're trying to give. It can be powerful, but in order to give it more of an effect, you've gotta show us. Instead of saying what is playing, explain the music. Explain the buildup, the playfulness of the piano, and let your reader feel the scene. Here's how you show.

QUOTE
The enforcer played 'Fur Elise' on his mobile phone before unzipping his pants and undressing Alice
Marcus could not take it anymore, he blacked out, 'Fur Elise' still playing inside his head, combined with Alice's shrieks.


Which one sets the scene more?

QUOTE
In the painful embrace of seeping darkness, Marcus heard the click of something. The bulky salmon-suited enforcer's fingers lit up as he tapped his phone, and from it came the calming melodic rhythms of Beethoven. As if time had slowed, the enforcer gently swayed to the music which rose with a barrage of piano keys, high and low. Fur Elise. He slowly made his way to over to a thrashing Alice who continued to scream. Slowly, but sensually, he traced his fat fingers over her top, but as the music turned darker, as the piano continued an onslaught of melodic bashes, he tore the white top from her, and Salmon-suit's hands slipped down to his zipper. Oh God. The last thing Marcus remembered was Alice's shrieks in the darkness, and then no more.


Which seems more powerful? You'll see my paragraphs go beyond five sentences, but remember. Once you know the rules, you can learn to tweak them.

This isn't to compare skill, because I'm sh*t myself, but I know the basics of actually showing. Can you see what I mean now? Don't just think about what we can see in the scene! What can we taste, smell, feel, and hear too?

Don't know how long this Writer's Block will stretch on, when I have one of these, I forget every rule, every skill, everything taught to me. I forget how to write, I need help and fast, please, and maybe it will sound silly, but if you are free, will you help me by writing some chapters, I'll start writing them as soon as I get over the Block.

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    Killed by drones.

  • The Yardies
  • Joined: 01 May 2009
  • None
  • Most Talented Writer 2015
    Most Talented Writer 2014
    Most Talented Writer 2013
    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#12

Posted 08 August 2013 - 02:15 PM

QUOTE (aritrabose @ Wednesday, Aug 7 2013, 16:38)
will you help me by writing some chapters

No, no, no.

Writer's block is a bitch, but getting someone else to write it for you when you struggle is stupid. There are things you can do.


1 - just write! It's better to write a paragraph of crap than nothing at all. Begin a second "story" that's your block story. Just WRITE. If it's sh*t, that's fine. You can use it to get you writing, get the words and ideas flowing and get your editing eye in.

2 - exercises. There a endless options here. Think when you're at school, and in english they told you to write these tedious things. Basically that. Open a newspaper for example, and pick a random page. Pick a random article and write a short about that. There are many books and websites that offer suggestions for this.

3 - One shots/The Bar. Enter these topics on the forums. The latter is simple - a theme is set (the theme is currently ETERNAL LIFE). you take that theme and interpret it in any way you want, and write a short about it. I personally allow myself no edit in this, but you can of course edit it. This is the best way I can see to overcome the block - when the topic is alive that is. I will always be there to post in that topic.
The bar is a multiplayer writing game. It's another great way to just write. You can plan in depth, and write off of the back of other people's characters, even having their character play a role in your post. I strongly recommend checking these out.

4 - Chill. As with number one, just relax. if the ideas are not coming, stop. Sit back. Shut your eyes and picture the scene. Or take a dump - seriously; I've had so many ideas on the crapper that by the time i've got to my desk, they're gone!

5 - Dreams. Transcribe your dreams. Turn them into stories. Post them here if you want, and grow that way.

IF you've got writers block the WORST thing you can do is ask someone else to write for you. You're going to get it, and if you just give up, you'll get it more. FIGHT IT!

aritrabose
  • aritrabose

    Yipee Kay-yay Motherf*cker !

  • Members
  • Joined: 07 May 2013

#13

Posted 09 August 2013 - 04:27 AM

QUOTE (Mokrie Dela @ Thursday, Aug 8 2013, 14:15)
QUOTE (aritrabose @ Wednesday, Aug 7 2013, 16:38)
will you help me by writing some chapters

No, no, no.

Writer's block is a bitch, but getting someone else to write it for you when you struggle is stupid. There are things you can do.


1 - just write! It's better to write a paragraph of crap than nothing at all. Begin a second "story" that's your block story. Just WRITE. If it's sh*t, that's fine. You can use it to get you writing, get the words and ideas flowing and get your editing eye in.

2 - exercises. There a endless options here. Think when you're at school, and in english they told you to write these tedious things. Basically that. Open a newspaper for example, and pick a random page. Pick a random article and write a short about that. There are many books and websites that offer suggestions for this.

3 - One shots/The Bar. Enter these topics on the forums. The latter is simple - a theme is set (the theme is currently ETERNAL LIFE). you take that theme and interpret it in any way you want, and write a short about it. I personally allow myself no edit in this, but you can of course edit it. This is the best way I can see to overcome the block - when the topic is alive that is. I will always be there to post in that topic.
The bar is a multiplayer writing game. It's another great way to just write. You can plan in depth, and write off of the back of other people's characters, even having their character play a role in your post. I strongly recommend checking these out.

4 - Chill. As with number one, just relax. if the ideas are not coming, stop. Sit back. Shut your eyes and picture the scene. Or take a dump - seriously; I've had so many ideas on the crapper that by the time i've got to my desk, they're gone!

5 - Dreams. Transcribe your dreams. Turn them into stories. Post them here if you want, and grow that way.

IF you've got writers block the WORST thing you can do is ask someone else to write for you. You're going to get it, and if you just give up, you'll get it more. FIGHT IT!

Thanks, but my head becomes a bitch sometimes, now I got so desperate after having the block for over a month, that I.... Okay, leave it to where it was, I'll take your advice and hopefully get over it, Thanks, man

aritrabose
  • aritrabose

    Yipee Kay-yay Motherf*cker !

  • Members
  • Joined: 07 May 2013

#14

Posted 28 August 2013 - 08:52 AM

I know that what I wrote before was full'a sh*t, I'm rewriting it, and within two weeks, I'll upload the BBS (Bigger Better Story) wink.gif

gta dad
  • gta dad

    penis dickling, the goose

  • The Connection
  • Joined: 27 Feb 2011
  • None
  • Most Member 2014

#15

Posted 28 August 2013 - 06:58 PM

QUOTE (aritrabose @ Wednesday, Aug 28 2013, 08:52)
I know that what I wrote before was full'a sh*t, I'm rewriting it, and within two weeks, I'll upload the BBS (Bigger Better Story) wink.gif

Don't tell us this, just do it.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users