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Vice City

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universetwisters
  • universetwisters

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#31

Posted 08 August 2013 - 12:47 AM

QUOTE (aritrabose @ Wednesday, Aug 7 2013, 11:26)
QUOTE (universetwisters @ Monday, Aug 5 2013, 22:34)
Is the story still in the works? Or is it done and over with?

Still in works, I'll try to update soon, when I get over my Writer's Block.

About how long will that be?

Vercetti42
  • Vercetti42

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#32

Posted 08 August 2013 - 08:34 AM

the story's got potential but there is also lot to improve. smile.gif

first off the chapters are way too short. try making it a bit longer is all i can say.

the thing i find uncomfortable is the presentation, it isn't neat. instead of xxxxx make it like --- or *** or don't put anything at all, instead give your chapters a name.

QUOTE
Santino Earnest Vercetti had been in sticky situations before, but this one was, well, one hell of a challenge, an hour ago, his father gave him a cruise ship, and he told him that he was going to be a cruise director.
"Your mother wanted to buy you an Island" Tommy smiled,"But I guessed you were too young for that, maybe it will be for your 28th birthday, but yes, it is also a responsibility, ya' see, when I came to town there was nobody to help me out, except perhaps Old Kelly, heh' god bless that man. I want you to be responsible, this is the first cruise of Vercetti Luxury, so, you're leaving next month, your grandpa's comin' to help you out."
Santino was shaking,"I-I'll try dad."


this does not feel like a story it feels like a report, atleast the prologue but this chapter has improved in that department but again the presentation is a problem here, try presenting it like this, space it out a bit:

QUOTE
Santino Earnest Vercetti had been in sticky situations before, but this one was, well, one hell of a challenge, an hour ago, his father gave him a cruise ship, and he told him that he was going to be a cruise director.

"Your mother wanted to buy you an Island" Tommy smiled,"But I guessed you were too young for that, maybe it will be for your 28th birthday, but yes, it is also a responsibility, ya' see, when I came to town there was nobody to help me out, except perhaps Old Kelly, heh' god bless that man. I want you to be responsible, this is the first cruise of Vercetti Luxury, so, you're leaving next month, your grandpa's comin' to help you out."

Santino was shaking,"I-I'll try dad."


see how short it is? there could have been more to the story like Santino had a first try on the ship. describe his feelings on how he felt controlling it. like: 'With shaking hands, Santino got ready to control the cruise ship for the first time in his life. ' and more.

since the chapter is so short i can't say anything more, all i can say is good luck, looking forward to more.

for a first write it's not that bad but it certainly needs some improvement.

AceRay
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#33

Posted 08 August 2013 - 09:36 AM Edited by AceRay, 09 August 2013 - 05:29 AM.

I think this should be Aritra's new avatar.

user posted image

All aboard the SS Vercetti!

aritrabose
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#34

Posted 09 August 2013 - 05:06 AM

QUOTE (AceRay @ Thursday, Aug 8 2013, 09:36)
I think this should be Arbita's new avatar.

user posted image

All aboard the SS Vercetti!

Ha ha ha, but Ace, my name is Aritra, and please shorten the cap a bit.




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