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Vice City

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aritrabose
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#1

Posted 21 July 2013 - 12:12 PM Edited by aritrabose, 21 July 2013 - 03:23 PM.

12th July,2013
Vercetti Mansion

Part 1: One hell of a gift

The red Infernus jolted to a halt, the nitrous fumes from the back looking like the barrel of a smoking gun. A young man, about 26 years of age, opened the door, his hair was cut short, and his shirt was ruffled in the back, where a knife in its scabbard was placed. An old man, 62 years of age, stout and with a cigar came out in the open to greet his son. "
Santino Earnest Vercetti, happy birthday" Santino smiled and said."Hey, dad, where's mom, and why are you smoking a cigar?"
Tommy Vercetti had dropped his illegal drug trade in 1987, believing it 'bad for family', the year before, in June 1986, he married Mercedez Cortez, during the wedding, Juan Cortez, her father came to attend, and in November '86, he found out that his wife was going to give birth to his son. Following that Tommy tried to be a better father, he parted ways with Steve Scott and dropped his drug trade, destroyed the cherry popper ice-cream factory and built a new one, this time, real soft ice-cream.


Santino went inside, his mother came to him with a very small box. "That's my gift?" Santino asked. "Open it." Mercedez smiled. Santino opened the box, and saw keys."Go down and look at the sea." Santino went through the back and let out a yell. "Oh My God!" Before him, stood a cruise ship.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Notes: I used a randomizer for the name, and it's a small preview for what's coming

TheGodfather.
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#2

Posted 21 July 2013 - 04:01 PM

Well that's great going on. icon14.gif
Best of luck for rest of the story.
Waiting for the rest story.

Mokrie Dela
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#3

Posted 22 July 2013 - 03:10 PM

I'll be blunt: there's not much to this. Previews are rarely a good idea. Best to take your time and post something more substantial - as hard as it is to resist!

Firstly, consider your sentences. I notice there's more commas than needed. This for example:

A young man, about 26 years of age, opened the door, his hair was cut short, and his shirt was ruffled in the back, where a knife in its scabbard was placed.

This could be cut up much more.


A young man, 26 years of age, opened the door. His hair was neatly cropped short, a small amount of hair gel keeping the blonde highlights standing tall. His oversized shirt was ruffled at the back, where a knife in its scabbard was placed.


Try to paint the scene with more detail. Instead of saying his hair was cut, describe it. Show us, rather than telling us. How is it styled? What colours the shirt, and what style is it? Is this man tall or short; fat, thin or muscular? Tanned or pale? Black or light hair?

Next comes speech. Rule 1: New speaker, new line. Every time a character speaks, it has its own line.

This is incorrect:

"Yes," Tommy said. "Why?" his son asked. "Because I said so."

This is correct:

"Yes," Tommy said.
"Why?" his son asked.
"Because I said so."

Speech always starts on a new line to the previous speaker:

"That's no reason!"
Tommy turned around and stared at his son. "It is a reason, because I am your father."

See? Two speakers are never on the same line!

Rule 2: Speech always starts with " and ends with " - this is how it's distinguished from narration. There are exceptions (some people make a stylistic choice to forgo speech marks, but don't worry about that).

Also consider speech patterns. This is Tommy "the Harwood Butcher" Vercetti speaking, right? It doesn't FEEL like him. He seems too formal. MAybe that's just me though.

Now what follows is the son asking why Tommy's smoking a cigar. I'm guessing this is a delivery method of telling us Tommy's smoking a cigar. But would his son not be used to it? Why ask someone why they're smoking a cigar, unless it's a rarity. It seems a bit awkward imo - Tommy probably WOULD be smoking a cigar. Vice City was based on Scarface after all.

My final observation is: he bought him a CRUISE ship? Wow that's a bit... ott. Would a simply Yacht not be more plausible?



That's all out the way, I can't offer any good feedback because, to be blunt, there's nothing to critique. This is short, and tells us nothing. It does not make me, the reader, fall in love with the characters, or the setting. There is no conflict that I want resolved and no goals I can identify. It's an empty passage that feels like it has no point. Consider the intro of VC. A drugs deal. PRetty standard until it's ambushed. That is what we call a trigger (BANG! We're off!). What follows is obvious: a quest - Tommy wants the drugs and money back! We're now invested - we want to find out who jumped us and why!
There's none of this here. I understand there's more - and that's brilliant - but we NEED more before anyone is going to be interested!

Don't be dissuaded, however, and don't think I'm attacking you.

aritrabose
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#4

Posted 22 July 2013 - 03:36 PM Edited by aritrabose, 22 July 2013 - 03:41 PM.

QUOTE (Mokrie Dela @ Monday, Jul 22 2013, 15:10)
I'll be blunt: there's not much to this. Previews are rarely a good idea. Best to take your time and post something more substantial - as hard as it is to resist!

Firstly, consider your sentences. I notice there's more commas than needed. This for example:

A young man, about 26 years of age, opened the door, his hair was cut short, and his shirt was ruffled in the back, where a knife in its scabbard was placed.

This could be cut up much more.


A young man, 26 years of age, opened the door. His hair was neatly cropped short, a small amount of hair gel keeping the blonde highlights standing tall. His oversized shirt was ruffled at the back, where a knife in its scabbard was placed.


Try to paint the scene with more detail. Instead of saying his hair was cut, describe it. Show us, rather than telling us. How is it styled? What colours the shirt, and what style is it? Is this man tall or short; fat, thin or muscular? Tanned or pale? Black or light hair?

Next comes speech. Rule 1: New speaker, new line. Every time a character speaks, it has its own line.

This is incorrect:

"Yes," Tommy said. "Why?" his son asked. "Because I said so."

This is correct:

"Yes," Tommy said.
"Why?" his son asked.
"Because I said so."

Speech always starts on a new line to the previous speaker:

"That's no reason!"
Tommy turned around and stared at his son. "It is a reason, because I am your father."

See? Two speakers are never on the same line!

Rule 2: Speech always starts with " and ends with " - this is how it's distinguished from narration. There are exceptions (some people make a stylistic choice to forgo speech marks, but don't worry about that).

Also consider speech patterns. This is Tommy "the Harwood Butcher" Vercetti speaking, right? It doesn't FEEL like him. He seems too formal. MAybe that's just me though.

Now what follows is the son asking why Tommy's smoking a cigar. I'm guessing this is a delivery method of telling us Tommy's smoking a cigar. But would his son not be used to it? Why ask someone why they're smoking a cigar, unless it's a rarity. It seems a bit awkward imo - Tommy probably WOULD be smoking a cigar. Vice City was based on Scarface after all.

My final observation is: he bought him a CRUISE ship? Wow that's a bit... ott. Would a simply Yacht not be more plausible?



That's all out the way, I can't offer any good feedback because, to be blunt, there's nothing to critique. This is short, and tells us nothing. It does not make me, the reader, fall in love with the characters, or the setting. There is no conflict that I want resolved and no goals I can identify. It's an empty passage that feels like it has no point. Consider the intro of VC. A drugs deal. PRetty standard until it's ambushed. That is what we call a trigger (BANG! We're off!). What follows is obvious: a quest - Tommy wants the drugs and money back! We're now invested - we want to find out who jumped us and why!
There's none of this here. I understand there's more - and that's brilliant - but we NEED more before anyone is going to be interested!

Don't be dissuaded, however, and don't think I'm attacking you.

Thank you, it is my first write, and I'll love to edit it. And, if you don't have any other projects to work on, can you please help me with this one? Thanks in advance(even if you are working on something else.), Plus Tommy is never seen smoking, unless you use a cheat code.

AceRay
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#5

Posted 22 July 2013 - 09:22 PM

QUOTE
destroyed the cherry popper ice-cream factory and built a new one, this time, real soft ice-cream.

I want a prequel where Tommy has to traverse and navigate the dangerous business field of selling ice-cream.

Also, wtf a cruise ship? I burst out laughing when I read that.

universetwisters
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#6

Posted 23 July 2013 - 06:29 AM

Holy sh*t, a cruise ship. Those things about $600,000,000. Damn.

AceRay
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#7

Posted 23 July 2013 - 07:23 AM

QUOTE (universetwisters @ Tuesday, Jul 23 2013, 19:29)
Holy sh*t, a cruise ship. Those things about $600,000,000. Damn.

In the next episode, Tommy buys his son an island!

Mokrie Dela
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#8

Posted 23 July 2013 - 10:05 AM

QUOTE (aritrabose @ Monday, Jul 22 2013, 15:36)
Thank you, it is my first write, and I'll love to edit it. And, if you don't have any other projects to work on, can you please help me with this one? Thanks in advance(even if you are working on something else.), Plus Tommy is never seen smoking, unless you use a cheat code.

I will of course help out where I can. Feel free to PM any questions or even better, post in the Writers' Room, and ask for advice!

aritrabose
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#9

Posted 23 July 2013 - 12:00 PM

QUOTE (universetwisters @ Tuesday, Jul 23 2013, 06:29)
Holy sh*t, a cruise ship. Those things about $600,000,000. Damn.

I'll edit it, I meant a yacht, but my silly head got me a cruise ship.

aritrabose
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#10

Posted 23 July 2013 - 12:02 PM

QUOTE (AceRay @ Tuesday, Jul 23 2013, 07:23)
QUOTE (universetwisters @ Tuesday, Jul 23 2013, 19:29)
Holy sh*t, a cruise ship. Those things about $600,000,000. Damn.

In the next episode, Tommy buys his son an island!

Hell, he's one hell of a spoilt child.

aritrabose
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#11

Posted 23 July 2013 - 12:05 PM

QUOTE (AceRay @ Monday, Jul 22 2013, 21:22)
QUOTE
destroyed the cherry popper ice-cream factory and built a new one, this time, real soft ice-cream.

I want a prequel where Tommy has to traverse and navigate the dangerous business field of selling ice-cream.

Also, wtf a cruise ship? I burst out laughing when I read that.

Yeah, you'll get your prequel when I'm in mood for comedy (which I'm in most of the time) :-D

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#12

Posted 23 July 2013 - 01:28 PM

You could keep the cruise ship in as part of the story. Perhaps this so-called gift isn't a gift at all, but a responsibility -- Tommy wants his only son to be a cruise director. The story then becomes him managing and directing relations on a business level, overseeing everything runs smoothly for each outing. Mostly based in his new office filing paperwork and such. I see big things here.

aritrabose
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#13

Posted 23 July 2013 - 03:54 PM

QUOTE (TonyZimmzy @ Tuesday, Jul 23 2013, 13:28)
You could keep the cruise ship in as part of the story. Perhaps this so-called gift isn't a gift at all, but a responsibility -- Tommy wants his only son to be a cruise director. The story then becomes him managing and directing relations on a business level, overseeing everything runs smoothly for each outing. Mostly based in his new office filing paperwork and such. I see big things here.

Hey, nice Idea, I'll be using it,and um, can you help me out a bit with this Idea

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#14

Posted 23 July 2013 - 05:53 PM

Maybe the cruise ship could crash?

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#15

Posted 23 July 2013 - 06:05 PM

QUOTE (Vice President @ Tuesday, Jul 23 2013, 17:53)
Maybe the cruise ship could crash?

Could get caught in a storm wow.gif perhaps in the Bermuda triangle... and an alt. reality spins off -- Tommy's son could come home and everything could be different. Tommy, long dead, his mother the drug lord empire and of course, the ice cream business is still the front for the empire. Steve Scott is also mayor of the city.

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#16

Posted 23 July 2013 - 06:39 PM

The son is forced to prison, selling his ass to inmates for an ice cream cone to remind him of what once was his father's empire. Steve Scott forms an A-Team to break him out. We're running on millon dollar ideas here. Someone call Steven Spielberg, we have a blockbuster.

universetwisters
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#17

Posted 23 July 2013 - 08:16 PM

QUOTE (TonyZimmzy @ Tuesday, Jul 23 2013, 13:05)
QUOTE (Vice President @ Tuesday, Jul 23 2013, 17:53)
Maybe the cruise ship could crash?

Could get caught in a storm wow.gif perhaps in the Bermuda triangle... and an alt. reality spins off -- Tommy's son could come home and everything could be different. Tommy, long dead, his mother the drug lord empire and of course, the ice cream business is still the front for the empire. Steve Scott is also mayor of the city.

Will Love Fist make a cheesy tribute song about the sunken cruise ship, like this?


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#18

Posted 23 July 2013 - 08:19 PM

You're obsesses with that thing UT lol

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#19

Posted 23 July 2013 - 08:33 PM

QUOTE (Vice President @ Tuesday, Jul 23 2013, 15:19)
You're obsesses with that thing UT lol

It's only fitting, seeing as the plot of this story seems to involve a cruise sh*tp

aritrabose
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#20

Posted 24 July 2013 - 11:21 AM

QUOTE (Vice President @ Tuesday, Jul 23 2013, 18:39)
The son is forced to prison, selling his ass to inmates for an ice cream cone to remind him of what once was his father's empire. Steve Scott forms an A-Team to break him out. We're running on millon dollar ideas here. Someone call Steven Spielberg, we have a blockbuster.

Nice, and all, but I'm not gonna use the prison Idea.

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#21

Posted 25 July 2013 - 11:50 AM

First chapter's up, enjoy smile.gif
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Santino Earnest Vercetti had been in sticky situations before, but this one was, well, one hell of a challenge, an hour ago, his father gave him a cruise ship, and he told him that he was going to be a cruise director.
"Your mother wanted to buy you an Island" Tommy smiled,"But I guessed you were too young for that, maybe it will be for your 28th birthday, but yes, it is also a responsibility, ya' see, when I came to town there was nobody to help me out, except perhaps Old Kelly, heh' god bless that man. I want you to be responsible, this is the first cruise of Vercetti Luxury, so, you're leaving next month, your grandpa's comin' to help you out."
Santino was shaking,"I-I'll try dad."

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#22

Posted 25 July 2013 - 12:01 PM

Damn, that's short. Chapters are usually around 1000 words. Nice though. smile.gif

aritrabose
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#23

Posted 27 July 2013 - 03:51 PM

I will now, very sadly say that this story's future is uncertain, I'm not sure whether to write this or not.

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#24

Posted 27 July 2013 - 07:40 PM

Bustin my balls here, Aritra.

aritrabose
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#25

Posted 28 July 2013 - 10:46 AM Edited by aritrabose, 28 July 2013 - 10:53 AM.

QUOTE (TonyZimmzy @ Saturday, Jul 27 2013, 19:40)
Bustin my balls here, Aritra.

Okay just jokin' tounge.gif , dont worry I'm gonna finish it. And check out another story by me-http://www.gtaforums.com/index.php?showtopic=568266

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#26

Posted 28 July 2013 - 01:23 PM

It's great.that you are finishing this. Try to make the chapters longer though. smile.gif

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#27

Posted 31 July 2013 - 11:38 PM

QUOTE (aritrabose @ Thursday, Jul 25 2013, 06:50)
First chapter's up, enjoy smile.gif
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Santino Earnest Vercetti had been in sticky situations before, but this one was, well, one hell of a challenge, an hour ago, his father gave him a cruise ship, and he told him that he was going to be a cruise director.
"Your mother wanted to buy you an Island" Tommy smiled,"But I guessed you were too young for that, maybe it will be for your 28th birthday, but yes, it is also a responsibility, ya' see, when I came to town there was nobody to help me out, except perhaps Old Kelly, heh' god bless that man. I want you to be responsible, this is the first cruise of Vercetti Luxury, so, you're leaving next month, your grandpa's comin' to help you out."
Santino was shaking,"I-I'll try dad."

I don't think that's a chapter. It's just a very long post with dialogue

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#28

Posted 31 July 2013 - 11:45 PM

How is it a very long in any way? Maybe on a 1inch screen. Aritira dude, you need longer chapters, you can't have an interesting chapter in a paragraph.

universetwisters
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#29

Posted 05 August 2013 - 10:34 PM

Is the story still in the works? Or is it done and over with?

aritrabose
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#30

Posted 07 August 2013 - 04:26 PM

QUOTE (universetwisters @ Monday, Aug 5 2013, 22:34)
Is the story still in the works? Or is it done and over with?

Still in works, I'll try to update soon, when I get over my Writer's Block.




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