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My Sister's Future

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Diego Mustard
  • Diego Mustard

    Ultimate Criminal

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#1

Posted 11 July 2013 - 10:34 PM Edited by Diego "DM" Mendez, 30 July 2013 - 01:14 AM.

Ahh it is me, Diego Mendez, or you can call me by my Minecraft name, Diego Mustard. Anyways, I seem to have forgotten about that place for a while, but its still that active place... one thing I'm missing out is the new GTA trailer because suddenly I'm not interested anymore like before. I'm writing this story since when I had a Nokia C3 without those cool recent apps, and even after my Android came last month with all the apps that stole me (counting in Jetpack Joyride for example), this story is still golden to me...

You probably don't need the warning but it has violent content, and lots of gore, and blood. Though keep in mind it has no swear or cuss words because I aimed it at a younger forum I moderate. Or nudity in that matter. If you have any criticism, feel free to shoot me with that Hunter helicopter of yours with a criticism torpedo D: . There are the other chapters released elsewhere though.


==PROLOGUE==

There were two siblings, an old brother and a young sister, who loved each other very much. 25 year old Maxy Diminti Faiwalker and nine year old Roxy were their names. They loved each other so much not only because they were siblings, but because their parents weren't home... they passed away. Their father passed away a month before Roxy's birth for an unknown reason. This was followed by their mother, passing away one year later after Roxy's birth due to a heart problem.

When their mother passed away, Maxy was a calm 17 year old teenager who had an obsession with everything computer related. Software, programs, 3D design, video games, and even hardware, he was good at everything he loved. His dream was to be a 3D designer for one of the movie making companies. His one year old sister, Roxy, was the sibling he waited for, to entice him, and she was one year old at the time, still requiring much care to mature into the sister he wanted to have. One day, he found his mother lying in her dark bedroom, covered in her purple blanket, her head lying on a white pillow, looking weaker and paler than ever. While he stood and trembled at the same time by her bed, she told him a sentence he'd never forget...

"Maxy, take care of Roxy... I can't... continue living for you two... Be like her father... give her care... and most importantly... love. I love you, Maxy..." she told Maxy while smiling weakly.

"I love you too..." Maxy responded, his face reflected sadness. He felt his mother, about to die.

His mother suddenly closed her eyes and her head fell down slightly on the pillow... she passed away. Maxy had his tears rolling along his sad face. The first tragedy happened a year and a month ago... then another, much stronger tragedy happened in that short period. Maxy became depressed.

Without parents, he became in charge of himself and Roxy. Maybe she gave him problems when she was younger but he overlooked them. Maybe she needed too much of his care but he was more devoted to her than his dream, and later, his job. He enjoyed taking care of her. He even went out with friends much less to take care of her.

Eight years later, Maxy was living in happiness along with Roxy. She enticed him whenever he felt sad, and so did he when she felt sad. He loved sharing stories with her. He loved doing anything she wanted, as long as it brought them happiness. To Roxy, Maxy was the fatherly figure she never had, and to Maxy, Roxy was like his own daughter. Their bond was a lot stronger than the bond between siblings. It was like the bond between the father and his daughter. No, even stronger.


They lived in a countryside area, which was north of San Francisco, in a remote area connected to an empty street. The green around their white house made up for the emptiness, and gave life to the area around them. Maxy had brown hair and deep blue eyes, while Roxy had brown hair slightly tinted with red and light green eyes.

The siblings slept together in the same bed, which was the master bedroom, in green pajamas. Roxy slept with her brother because she feared the darkness so much overnights. Sleeping with Maxy would ease down, if not completely take out, her fear, as she was sleeping right beside her brother who would do anything for her. She woke up first and noticed that in about 40 minutes, Maxy had work to do. She took the blanket off of her and raised her body up, smiling at her sleeping brother.

"Wake up, sleepyhead! Time for another day of tough work, brother!", she said to him, happily smiling at her sleepy brother. "OK, OK, I'll wake up for you, sweetheart.", he responded, as he raised his hands up and yawned. Then he looked to the right where the door stood, but he found darkness instead. He looked to his left and found Roxy sleeping right beside him.

"Hey, did you sleep with me or something?" Maxy asked in surprise.

"Yes, you left me with you yesterday after that nightmare!" Roxy laughed afterwards.

"Maybe I need a better long term memory..." Maxy said followed by Roxy laughing.

"What do you have for me today? I hope its something I love so much!" she asked in excitement

"I have something you love so much! I'd love if you guess it! I don't wanna ruin the surprise!" Maxy said, smiling warmly at his sister, while he had his head still on the pillow.

"The 9th season of Amy the Fairy on DVD?"

"Nope, even better than that."

"A new game for our computer?"

"And not that too. How about the fact that I've got a complete week of vacation from work?"

Roxy's smile grew even bigger. Among all of the great things she loved, a longer time to spend with her brother was the best to her.

"Thanks brother, its been a long time since I last got my best thing ever!"

"Yes, sweetheart... I'm glad you still love it. Time to start our morning, right?"

"Yes!" Roxy responded excitedly.

Maxy took the blanket off of him and then he left his bed, followed by Roxy leaving his bed from the other side. Maxy went to the left of right of his bed while Roxy went to the right of his bed. The door to the left of the bed was the entrance to a bathroom, since Maxy had the master bedroom, while the other door stood as the entrance to the bedroom itself.

Roxy went to her own room which was next to the master bedroom in the corridor, and then she closed the door so she can dress up, and so did Maxy in the master bedroom. Later, Roxy opened her door while sporting her own attire, which were a green T-shirt and pants and white shoes, and so did Maxy afterwards, being a blue and white striped T-shirt with black pants and blue shoes.

They both went into their bathrooms. Since Maxy had his own bathroom which was colored blue to use, while Roxy used the main bathroom outside in the corridor, ahead and to the left of Maxy's bedroom, which was pink. Both of them cleaned their tooth with the toothbrush and the toothpaste, and then they held some water and threw it to their face to clean them and also to help them regain their consciousness. They left their bathrooms after a while. Roxy went downstairs to the living room, followed by Maxy after a minute.

Maxy went to the kitchen to prepare the breakfast. He loved cereals while Roxy loved Oreo and milk. He had the dinning table inside the kitchen, so he placed them there.

"Roxy! Its breakfast time!" Maxy called.

"Coming, bro!" Roxy said in all her excitement.

She caught up with Maxy who had been eating his cereal. The two smiled at each other.

Their day consisted of playing, whether games like hide and seek or computer video games, watching cartoons, chatting, or going out on a road drive in the countryside they lived in.

It was a late afternoon when they were sitting ahead of the TV which had been airing a cartoon with 3 girls talking in the background about friendship. Around the TV sitting there on a table made for holding TVs, were vases, and a portrait of what seemed to be their parents with a child Maxy in the front. They were sitting on a red couch made from cotton, and they seemed to be a high class and rich family.

"I'm so glad that my boss told me that I'm given a week of vacation because I made lots of graphical works this week, to the point that he decided they should suffice for a week without me! And here am I, sitting right beside you, lil' sis." Maxy said, smiling joyfully at his sister.

"I love how you're serious about your graphics creation job! Last time I saw some of your works, they were amazing!" Roxy smiled.

"They tell me that too at work. But hearing that from you is even better than hearing it from my colleagues." Maxy yet again smiled to Roxy,

"Maxy... I love you so much." Roxy said, with her childishly, innocent face on her.

"I love you too, Roxy"

They both hugged each other warmly. However, this was all interrupted suddenly by the sudden breaking of the wooden, dark brown door, which stood at the left of the living room. The door was sent at high speed to the stairs, falling afterwards to the floor, and white mist already filled the doorway where the busted door was.

"What the heck is going on around here?!" Maxy yelled, demanding an answer.

"You'll know soon, Maxy...", a feminine but somewhat threatening voice explained from the direction of the doorway. Both Roxy and Maxy left their couches to stand and prepare for anything, while Roxy hid behind Maxy.

"Maxy, please don't let them harm me", Roxy begged Maxy.

As the mist went away, a beautiful woman with dark green eyes and red hair with a tint of brown, along with a red T-shirt and black pants and shoes, was visible. From her facial appearance, she seemed to be very very angry. She also held a dagger in her left hand, and it had bloodstains. Roxy started crying.

"Who are you and what do you want from me?!", the usually calm Maxy yelled, demanding an answer, showing how nervous he was due to that unexpected visit.

"Who am I?", the woman responded, before she started giggling. "Shame on you! Didn't I mention your name, Maxy AND Roxy?", she continued.

At this moment Maxy suddenly wondered how did she know their names. This seemed illogical to him.

"I am your sister, Roxy Diminti Faiwalker." the woman said, her tone reflected her anger and cruelty.

Maxy and young Roxy couldn't believe what the woman said. She could be crazy, Maxy thought. Even if she used his sister's name, there were neither the proof nor the sense to prove this.

"I'm Roxy, stop lying!", the young girl yelled, while she also looked angry at the woman.

"You call that a lie?", the woman said as she pulled out a necklace from her neck. The necklace was golden, and it had a gold heart tied to the middle.

"She stole our beloved necklace!", Maxy screamed.

"No, we still have it", young Roxy said as she took the very same necklace off her neck. At the same time, the woman opened the heart in her necklace, which had a photo of Maxy and Roxy hugging on the right inner side, with hand writing on the other inner side of the heart in capitals, "Maxy's best gift to Roxy".

"It was worth leaving this disgusting souvenir intact till this very moment", said the woman as she dropped the necklace to the ground upon saying the last word, followed by her crushing the heart with her foot, breaking into pieces like glass.

Maxy and Roxy were surprised because this necklace was the only one of its kind, and because that photo didn't have a duplicate. That necklace was special, and another duplicate of a special necklace meant that what the woman said could be true, and that she could be Roxy, Maxy's brother. But older. But that didn't make any sense to him, how can an older version of his sister stand right in front of him, when his actual sister was hiding behind him? He was confused over the truth. Maybe the necklace was copied along with the picture.

"Stop lying and say the truth!", Maxy yelled, while his face's expressions said he was worried.

"This is the harsh truth, that you will believe when I twist the time around you!" the woman yelled.

She set her electronic watch. The area around her changed time at high speed. The house went from cheerful to dull, then abandoned and eventually destroyed. It was like the aftermath of an explosion, only with an even redder sky due to a massive sky of pollution.

"Brother, help me, I can't bear it", young Roxy said in extreme fear. "What the heck are we seeing?!", Maxy demanded an answer.

"This is the future that is my new home. You should now have no doubts about me being your sister.", the woman said in a threatening tone, before she pressed a button on the watch that turned the house back to normal, from destroyed to abandoned to dull and back to cheerful, albeit the situation spoke otherwise.

"So you are convinced now that I'm your sister, right, stupid?!", old Roxy yelled in anger, walking slowly towards Maxy. "What do you want from me?! You grew so violent! That's not how I made you grow up and its never how I will grow you up! If you're even Roxy that is!", as Maxy stated this, young Roxy started crying.

"Let me tell you something I always wanted to tell you...", old Roxy said calmly while she walked even more slowly, before continuing with "I... HATE... YOU!!!" in a violent way. " I hate you so much, I hate you.... I HATE YOU!!!"

"What?!!", Maxy asked out of surprise. His relation with his sister could be even stronger than the bond between the father and his daughter, so how was that possible? A violent Roxy?

"You never fulfilled your promise that day. Believe what you see now." the woman said, Maxy could feel the dread from this particular sentence. She was even nearer to him.

"But I always fulfilled my promises! What did I do wrong?" Maxy asked in concern, looking more worried than ever.

"Stop asking me questions!!" the old woman yelled so violently.

She pushed Maxy with her two hands on his chest, dropping him to the ground, while young Roxy evaded the drop by running to the right where the door would be, otherwise she would've suffered the pain along with Maxy. However, he got hurt, and it was painful for him. More painful than if a normal person did it to him.

"This all was just the appetizer. Here's the real deal: The young girl will be MINE from that day forward. And you WILL BE DEAD NOW!! And you'll get nothing in return. Any last words, soon to be killed?" the old woman said, her face looked extremely evil.

"Roxy, the keys." Maxy said to Roxy, with a blank expression on his face.

"How pathetic your last words are. This is my dagger.", the old woman said while she held her dagger with her left hand even higher above him. "I'll kill you, stupid animal!"

Old Roxy started to laugh evilly. Meanwhile, Maxy, who was still lying on the ground, rolled to the side, making her alerted. "You're escaping from ME?! Nobody escapes ME!!", she yelled while trying to slash Maxy with her dagger. Meanwhile, young Roxy got the keys from near a vase, and quickly ran outside through the broken doorway and then near a car. "Maxy, please come here and save me!", she screamed in terror as she watched her brother about to be killed near their Ford car from outside the window, unable to do a thing because not only she was defenseless, but she would be kidnapped as well as suffer from whatever bad fate her supposed older self would bring her to.

As the woman tried to slash Maxy, he just kept evading by walking backwards. Maxy was usually calm but that didn't stop him from being able to defend himself really well. However, pitted against his sister from the future who hated him so much for a reason he was curious for knowing, and because she had a dagger that can end him splattered in his own blood, he'd better evade than attack, not to mention that his attacks were enough only to scare a coward thief.

Eventually, evil Roxy manipulated Maxy, and she made him get stuck to a corner. "You're cornered, Maxy. Check... MATE!!! I won't leave you until all of your blood leaves you!", Roxy yelled in anger, however Maxy briefly held her face and pushed it enough to allow him to escape to the car, where Roxy was. "I'm sorry, sis, but I don't have time for this!" Maxy barely said while running.

Maxy ran away to his young sister who was crying at the fate that awaited her brother, near the car.

"Why don't you come back to me and die?!! It will be my pleasure to kill you!" the woman said while she ran outside towards Maxy, her tone was even eviler.

"Roxy, get in the car right now!", Maxy ordered the young Roxy. As the older herself came running to Maxy who managed to stat up the engine as soon as he opened the door, and with the dagger coming first, he ducked, which ended her up inside the car, lying on the driver seat. He punched her belly so strongly, before he left his position near the seat and grabbed the woman from the back of her legs to avoid being killed while holding her, and then he left her on the ground. He quickly ran to the driver's seat and closed the door, with the engine fully started up.

"I'm sorry sis, anything but getting killed", Maxy said as he sped off at last from old Roxy's vision, who just recovered.

"You think that your weak punch in the belly will let you escape that far? Too bad I can track your sister no matter where she is using my DNA tracker! Think all you want, but my hatred will kill you no matter what you do!", she said to herself before laughing she laughed evilly.

And that was when Maxy and Roxy were suddenly on the move, every hour became a minute, and every minute became a second of their life. They could either run away from the woman who claimed to be Roxy from the future so not to be killed, or the sister will become a damsel in distress as well as her whole childhood getting ruined, along with the death of the best thing in her entire life... her brother.

Diego Mustard
  • Diego Mustard

    Ultimate Criminal

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  • Joined: 29 Dec 2009
  • Japan

#2

Posted 13 July 2013 - 08:12 PM Edited by Diego "DM" Mendez, 27 July 2013 - 08:51 PM.

400+ views but no replies? Please comment and post what do you think of the story! This is the next chapter, and the first one actually.


==PROLOGUE==
What I saw today, these weird events, were beyond descriptions and everything. We were about to enjoy our time, only to be interrupted by a woman who claimed that she's my sister, Roxy, but from the future, and that she came to kill me as well as kidnap young Roxy. Whether she's Roxy or not despite all the things she had to prove that she's Roxy, this is still an enigma that needs to be solved, IF, and only IF she doesn't cease to chase us for her evil ambitions. I'm an enemy of no one, and nobody is an enemy of me. But this woman... I can't handle but wonder if she's really little Rox, but murderous.

I'm worried about Roxy more than myself. I'm still not convinced that this woman is Roxy.


==CHAPTER 1: MYSTERIOUS ENIGMA==

Maxy still drove his through his countryside's mostly empty roads, at night, a green hill up to his left, and a hill down to his right, The wind felt cold and the trees swayed as a result of the strong, cold and freshening wind currents Sunset took place after they ran away from the woman. He wanted to save Roxy and himself from the woman who claimed to be Roxy, but from the future. She seemed to be really evil, hateful, and unlikable, something Maxy never taught his beloved Roxy to be. This placed him in doubts of his thoughts, should he keep the woman safe in order to turn her to the good side, or should he just call the police and rid himself from that sudden shift in his life, from happiness to being chased by bloody death? The woman felt mysterious. She could be Roxy, she could be not. She had the knowledge of their names, she had a special necklace made for Roxy as a gift for Maxy and she had the technology to prove that she was from the future. However, he's still doubtful. All of that was insufficient to him. She could be a thief who wanted to steal him physically and physiologically while attempting murder. But she felt more than just powerful. She was so powerful that he couldn't believe how far, and how the door flew to the wall besides the stairs in one hit. Usually thieves would have trouble breaking doors, and they can't break them as powerful as she did, instead resorting to different methods of breaking in.

"Maxy, where are we going?", Roxy interrupted Maxy's thoughts, her childish, cute face only showed how scared she was. "If I'm smart enough, she could lose track of us if we turn around after some distance. She'd just chase us straight without turning, and won't find us again, thinking we went this way, away from home. As long as keep going, we'll restart this day properly, Rox." Maxy said while he drove, unable to look at Roxy who sat right beside him.

"Maxy, I love how you think. Please, I don't want you killed, and I don't want to be kidnapped too. We want to stay together till the end of time!"

"Don't worry, sweetheart. I'm sure everything will be all right!" Maxy exclaimed.

Roxy then wondered about what the woman claimed. Was that woman really herself but from the future? She tried to think about it, but couldn't. This issue was so complicated to her.

"Maxy?" Roxy asked in her usually sweet, child voice.

"Yes, sweety?" Maxy replied gently, turning his head to take a glimpse of his sister and also to smile at her briefly before he looked again at the road, less empty than before, as three cars, two shades of blue, and green, were seen.

"That woman, is she me?", she asked him, hoping for an answer.

"I don't think so. Not that we know about why she wanted us so badly." Maxy responded, more focused on the road.

"But she had our necklace, and she knows our names!"

"That doesn't mean she's you. I wouldn't lie to you, trust me."

Roxy couldn't seem to stop thinking about the woman. The woman's eye color was dark green, and so was Roxy herself, only light instead of dark. The woman's hair was colored red tinted with brown, and Roxy's hair color was the exact opposite. She took the time to look at her when she broke into the house. She was still in doubt. Should she call that evil woman as her older self, or call her as a stranger woman who attempted to murder her beloved brother?

This enigmatic woman took up all their thoughts. That's one thing.

"Maxy, I'm hungry, could we eat?" Roxy asked Maxy as she pointed to what looked like a gas station from afar from her left side.

"Yes we could, but stay indoors. When we exit the car, we must be indoors as quickly as possible." Maxy said as he looked left at the gas station, which was nearer to him.

This station was part of a series of gas stations called GMStations. Maxy drove into it before the gas tanks and then into the small parking lot to the left of them. All of GMStations had their station part plus a 24/7 grocery and a small dinner, both on the right. The station itself and the outer walls at the back were surrounded by bushes. Their parking lot was to the left of the grocery and the dinner.

"Roxy, get out of the car and run inside to the dinner right now!", Maxy ordered Roxy as soon as he parked. And so, after Maxy stopped the engine and unlocked the doors, Roxy opened her door, exited and closed it behind, and ran inside at the fastest she could. Usually, her class, 4th grade, considered her to be the fastest runner in her class at school. Maxy locked the doors, unlocked his and exited the car before he locked his door again, and quickly ran to the door of the dinner, and entered there.

The dinner was colored tan, had four tables with four chairs for each table, two tables on the left and two tables on the right, and some plants inside, plus two windows to the side of the door. The counter was in front of the door, he stood in an area only 3 metres wide, it had a menu sign on the wall to the left of him, and a door to his right. His counter was in the front of him, a little to the right. The counter had short black hair and eyes, and he wore a yellow staff T-shirt and white staff pants. He was a little fat but not much fat.

"Roxy, wanna eat something you love?" Maxy asked, looking towards the menu sign to the left of the counter.

"Yes... a cheeseburger is great." Roxy said, smiling to her brother.

Maxy went to the counter.

"How can I help you, sir? You want cheeseburgers?" the counter asked Maxy, his voice felt so thin.

"Yes, two spicy and one regular." Maxy responded.

"Well then, sir." the counter responded. "Three cheeseburgers, two of them are spicy please!" the counter informed the cooking staff.

"In a minute they're going to be ready, sir. By the way, she's cute." said the counter to Maxy as he smiled.

"She's my only, little sister." Maxy responded, smiling to the counter.

"Too bad my old sister barely loves anything. She'd throw a cheeseburger on me if I tried to give her one. She doesn't like bread and other stuff. Anyways, our staff are fast and efficient, so you just have to wait a few more seconds."

"Well, too bad. Anyways, how much are they?"

"Three dollars for all of them. They come with small packs of ketchup, mustard and mayonnaise free of charge."

The door near the counter opened, a cook wearing the same clothes as the counter was, held a large square plate with the three cheeseburgers covered in sheets, two of them had a red "spicy" drawn on them many times, the last one had a light blue "regular" drawn on them. It also held three packs for each of the three sauces. Maxy gave the counter three 1$ banknotes and then he grabbed the plate.

"Thank you." Maxy responded as he smiled to the counter.

"Hope you have a nice, delicious meal!" the counter responded while smiling.

However, outside, the bushes to the far right side of the dinner's door were vibrating violently. Eventually the vibrations moved directly to the right side of the dinner's door. Later, it was the woman who caused these vibrations, as she revealed her head outside the bushes she had been hiding in.

"You may have thought you ran away from me. But trust me, I'm coming back, and you will be killed", she said to herself.

Inside the dinner, Maxy and Roxy, who were sitting on the table away from the door on the right side of the dinner, they discussed while they were eating their hamburgers.

"Do you think... you'd fail against her?" Roxy asked, her face expressed concern and worry.

"Roxy, please calm down, I'm always there for you.", Maxy told Roxy, smiling at her.

"Your lies... like usual... you're lying on me. You may have bought me food, but you're still a liar", the woman commented to herself.

"Look, my Roxy. We will take the same direction we were driving through before we stopped here. Then we'll turn around at some point, and come back home. She'll just chase for us without changing her direction, which won't lead her anywhere if we turned around as late as possible. That's if she was still chasing us at least, but its always better to be safe than sorry, Rox." Maxy continued to reassure Roxy.

"Oh, Maxy. You thought this would work?! In fact, its working against you!", the woman exclaimed in excitement. He fell into the trap, she thought.

Soon, Maxy and Roxy were done eating. They were sitting on their table with their empty plate, both had their burger remains on them, and the sauce packs were all used.

"Do you want more?", Maxy asked Roxy.

"I'm done eating, thanks." Roxy responded, as she left the seat she sat on.

"Cheeseburgers are disgusting, and they're even more disgusting if you bought them!", the woman stated in anger, while she had been clenching her teeth.

Soon, both Maxy and Roxy opened the door of the dinner to exit. The woman hid her head in the bushes as the soon as the two opened the doors and left the dinner. She had a plan to get rid of Maxy. She thought of using the element of surprise against the two of them, to fulfill her evil ambitions effectively. She knew that Maxy thought that his idea would work, but little did he know that as long as Roxy never left his side, she could kill Maxy and kidnap herself wherever they went.

Maxy yet again demanded Roxy to stay outdoors for the shortest period possible, so he ran first to the car to open the driver's seat door, and he left Roxy enter it firstly, then he went inside quickly, speeding off as soon as he closed his door. When they disappeared off the horizon, the woman got out of the bush from the right of the dinner's door , and went behind the empty gas station through the grass and bushes, because the only night worker, who wore a blue gas station uniform, and also had black eyes, was sleeping. She rode her motorcycle which seemed to be a high tech one.

It was colored black, and it looked too complicated and technological for the day's technology. Instead of the handle that steered the motorcycle, the left hand was a lever that turned left and right, steering the motorcycle, while the other was a small laser shooter, a lever like the other but can be directed anywhere, and it had a small part extending off the top to shoot a laser. It also had a fingerprint scanner instead of an speedometer.

She started the engine using her finger by putting it on a fingerprint scanner, which only started the engine if it was her fingerprints, not the fingerprints of others.

"Maxy, you're so trapped!!", the woman yelled before she laughed evilly, speeding off at high speed. The acceleration of the motorcycle could take her to top speed in one second only. The engine's noise was so loud, to the point that the sleeping worker woke up.

"What was that noise?", said the worker in a thick accent.

She kept speeding to the duo's car. She didn't care for traffic, instead any car that happened to be travelling on her lane that night had to suffer from swaying to the other side to allow her to pass, even if the people inside these cars were about to be rendered killed in a car accident. All what mattered to her was to fulfill her ambitions no matter what it takes. She took a sharp hairpin turn by allowing herself to collide with a car that was softly turning around the turn, allowing her to change the direction to follow the hairpin and damaging the car so badly from the side to the point that the rear window was broken. Until her DNA tracker showed that her younger self was about 500 meters away from herself, she slowed down her motorcycle, still following them while keeping herself safe from the cars because she slowed down and it would be dangerous to hit the cars at a slow speed. Eventually the car she was after became visible on the horizon.

"Its a good thing my vision is better than your visions combined! When you look behind, you won't even feel my existence!", said the woman in pride, also laughing evilly like she did usually.

However, that plan Maxy had was a time eater. Maxy had a map of the whole area he's in, a calm countryside in north California, and knew that he would reach a certain spot on the map at a certain time, which happened to be 9 AM in the morning. At this spot was a street intersection. He would take the intersection right, which would take him back home through a highway, yet would allow him to stay far from the woman's path. Or so he thought.

"Wake up, Roxy!", Maxy said to Roxy who was asleep in the car, right beside him. The interior of the car pointed out that the car was an automatic transmission car, which would help Maxy because the clutch pedal wasn't there, which would trouble him if the woman caught up to him if it was there.

"M... Maxy...? Are we home yet?", Roxy asked, still feeling asleep.

"Roxy, we took the turn at last, I made my intentions so she could lose me at night, and now, I can return with the little busier traffic today." Maxy responded, Roxy could feel the confidence in what he said. But she still had her concerns.

"Maxy, what if she didn't lose us yet? What if she's still behind us?"

"Roxy, take a look behind and tell me."

Roxy looked out the rear window from her seat. She saw nothing. Just two more cars in the lane behind her, one was a gray one and the other was a white pickup truck.

"She's not behind us."

"Then don't worry, Roxy. We'll be back home soon." Maxy smiled to her.

"We still have a long way to go, Maxy. The map says so." says Roxy as she held the map and looked at the intersection Maxy pinpointed with a dot.

"Running back from the tight streets of the countryside won't help, but this highway would help us get back home within afternoon if we take it at top speed. Which we should be taking, otherwise she's gonna kill us if she's really behind us!"

"And where is that freeway?"

"We're taking the freeway now."

The car was took a higher fork in the road, which would lead them to the freeway. There were a little more cars than yesterday, but the freeway wasn't very busy, as Maxy could roll around it at the speed of sound if he could reach that speed. But the woman can break the speed of sound. Once he took the highway, it was the woman's most suitable time to disable their car's technology and mechanics, in order to kill and kidnap, otherwise she'd destroy the car straight away if she wished to kill herself as well, which was her real phobia, otherwise she would erase herself as well from existence. The duo only wanted to continue their normal, successful lifes, but they were afraid of that woman. Meanwhile, the woman wanted Maxy dead, yet was afraid of wanting his sister dead, which she could easily do by accident, even if she managed to kidnap herself, considering the fact that she might be evil enough to the point that she'd kill her younger self for pleasure and forget the rules about time travel and messing up with the past.

The woman took her turn at her surprise based strike. Her motorcycle caught up with the car, and she was about to fire a laser any moment now, after she had tuned the lasers to disable the engine and mechanisms of the cars she shoots rather than destroy them.

"Maxy, I feel something's going wrong!", Roxy worried, as she looked at the rear window.

"Don't worry Roxy. Nothing's going wr-"

When Maxy finished spelling "Nothing's", the sound of a laser shot echoed. A laser was about to hit the car, but instead it missed the car, which alerted both him and the young Roxy's alert.

"Well, Roxy, you're right. No matter what I do, she's hot on our tail!", Maxy explained.

"Well well well, Maxy... You can stop the car and die, or you can run away and die! Choose your favorite flavor!", old Roxy demanded loudly before laughing evilly and shooting another laser which missed because of Maxy's turning.

This is how it went. Maxy evaded the lasers of the woman if he wished to run for eternity, if he could survive her for that long. He evaded an attack, a two, a three, and almost got hit by a fourth. But he wouldn't stop. Eventually, he would meet a sharp, hairpin turn to the right, only larger. But he thought about something...

After a laser missed him, he hand-braked his car, doing a 180 to continue on the opposite lane, while the woman's memorized motions got her turning to the right into the hairpin instead of doing a 180 like Maxy did. She shot one last laser, which also missed. Soon she hand-braked violently and paused the chase near the hairpin turn.

"Smart of you, Maxy. I am not impressed by you anymore!!", she yelled in anger as she drove back to the lane he took.

Eventually she caught up with the car. But she heard something she didn't hear for years. The sound of sirens. Yes, the countryside police were chasing her. Somebody called 911...

"Roxy, I like your intelligence. Calling 911 earlier today could have slowed her down or even ended her threat, who knows?", Maxy said to young Roxy, while briefly smiling at her before he looked back at the highway he had been driving through.

"Yes, and I'm glad you called them! Now we should worry less about the woman." Roxy smiled back to Maxy, who was more focused on the highway.

"But we must worry more about the policemen. She's too powerful in melee combat, so what if the police chased her? What will happen to them?!" Maxy asked in concern.

Maxy was in doubt about the policemen. They'd do their job, yes, but their job was harder and more on the edge of death especially when they're dealing with an evilly homicidal woman. He still doesn't know if she really was the sister he had sitting right beside him who was trembling in fear, if she was his sister but as a time traveler from the future who wanted nothing but complete chaos, but whatever and wherever he thought, he didn't want his sister to grow up and be like that.

"Darn it!! My laser shooter can't turn around!", the woman yelled due to the fact that her laser couldn't face backwards to disable the police cars which were chasing her.

"But that doesn't mean that these pathetic policemen are a thing. They're nothing but a nuisance!!", the woman stated to herself as she turned her bike around in a complete circle, getting herself to the other lane then back to the current lane, which allowed her to go behind the policemen and strike with her laser shooter the two police cars, which were driving in front of her by her two sides to take care of her, disabling both cars mechanically and technologically, both of the engine and the siren were disabled. She drove off, even damaging the police car on her left.

An officer reached out for his radio, while sitting in his seat.

"This is officer Ashley Lance from north California's countryside. A woman disabled my and Lashie Vance's car.", the officer on the left said. He received no response.

"I repeated, this is Ashley from north California's countryside reporting about a woman that disabled my car and Lashie's car." Ashley repeated, but no response. Eventually the officer who drove the car on the right exited the car and went to Ashley to speak to him through the window which Ashley opened when he saw his colleague standing outside through the window

"Ashley, we have no radio signal transmission!", Lashie told Ashley worriedly.

"Lashie, I hope you're not kidding like usual." Ashley glared at Lashie

"No, seriously. This is why the police didn't respond to not just you, but they didn't respond to me either."

"Then we're screwed together in the middle of nowhere..." Ashley said as he gently placed his right hand palm on his face.

"We're not, Ashley. We still have this photo of the mysterious woman, all we have to do is to take it to the nearest police station, and make all the officers fight for justice!" Lashie informed excitedly.

The photo appeared in Lashie's hands, and it had the woman in a full body shot, taken earlier from her pause on the motorcycle after Maxy did his 180. This photo could help everyone, not just the authorities, Lashie and soon, Ashley thought.

"You're right, Lashie. Where's the nearest station?"

"Umm, I don't know?"

"We're screwed..."

"Duh..."

But the woman still chased Maxy, who was more nervous than ever, as he must choose from between two choices; either save his sister, or meet an unexpected death. Maxy knew that his feelings would be true... that the policemen were able to do nothing with her. He got an idea. He could get ahead of the woman and then handbrake while staying in her path, knocking her off the motorcycle and getting more time to escape. And after shooting a missed laser, he used the handbrake to turn the car's front to the right, and also slow down harshly on Roxy. At this moment, he didn't sway like the other cars. He suffered little front damage and knocked the woman to the freeway. Maxy ignored her and sped off for his and Roxy's life.

"Smart of you, Maxy. But do you know how much time do you REALLY save for this idiotic move?!!", future Roxy yelled as she went back to her knocked out motorcycle.

Maxy didn't stay at the freeway for long though, now that he was facing the opposite direction from his home. He went to the other lane and into a street that had a countryside path that he could take to hide in the countryside from the clutches of the woman. He felt confident that the thick trees of north California can save his and Roxy's life. The woman could chase him on the streets, but she can't chase him in the countryside, he thought for a moment.

"Maxy, I beg of you, don't give up to her!", Roxy begged her brother, the tears started rolling on her eyes.

"I won't, sweetheart. Keep calm and everything will be alright." Maxy comforted Roxy.

Maxy stopped his car between two very thick trees. The countryside he hid in was lower in level than the highway, so the woman won't find out that he was hiding in the countryside's shadows. But no matter where he hid, there was something Maxy didn't even know of that allowed this woman to be their biggest threat ever. Her DNA tracker which tracked young Roxy was a big nuisance that he can't rid himself of - considering the fact that a second of standing near this moment meant a certain, violent death.

The woman eventually sped into the countryside.

"Maxy, drive away! I hear the woman's engine from afar driving into the countryside!", Roxy told Maxy quickly as she heard the sound of the engine plus the sound of a vehicle stepping on countryside lands, only more violent.

"Guess I have to get going!", Maxy said, putting pressure on the acceleration pedal.

He accelerated out from between the two trees, then made a right at a certain tree, which allowed him to drive back to a street and eventually, to the highway. As he turned, a laser missed him. Soon, the woman started to chase Maxy once again on the freeway, who was taking it in the direction of his home.

He'd follow the laws at all times, but for survival, he had to break that one law for the time being: drive on the opposite lane. And he did, which force the woman to evade cars coming to her from the opposite direction. Same for Maxy. However, this didn't matter that much for Roxy, who didn't matter for the people. She'd shoot them with a laser if she found one of them to be a nuisance, which she did many times. Maxy however found it more difficult to evade, and more catastrophic in terms of accidents not only to him, but to others, so he turned to the other lane. At that moment, Roxy shot Maxy's car at last and now the car was fully disabled along with all other technologies inside it like their cellphone, etc. Maxy was pressing the acceleration pedal violently, but no dice. He tried to start the engine again, but no, it wouldn't even vibrate for a moment.

"Roxy, get out and run for your life!", Maxy yelled to his sister. Both got out of the car while they left the doors open, running away from the woman, Roxy in front because she got out first.

"Maxy, don't lag behind! I love you!", Roxy yelled to her brother in urgency.

"Why you?!! I hate you, Maxy, I don't love you, I HATE YOU!!", the woman yelled from her motorcycle, holding a bow with syringes in her left hand, and using the right to shoot the syringes from afar. Two shots were sent to the duo's arms at high accuracy, making the young Roxy black out, while Maxy dropped to the ground, unable to move.

To Maxy, the end was near. It was only a moment before "his sister" could kill him. He suddenly remembered everything, the best moments he spent with Roxy, before the woman came up to him after speeding near him, and parking the motorcycle mid-freeway.

"Maxy... I got you at last, now its payback time. Maxy, I know I used to love you, but you're such a jerk, you little animal, you don't deserve to live", Roxy said calmly, glaring at Maxy.

"If you are my sister, why are you killing me?!" Maxy asked in confusion, his tears slowly started rolling.

"Silence!! All I know at the moment is that you will be dead. Here are my last words to you, my brother... I... HATE... YOU!!!"

Her dagger flew up to the sky. She smiled in an evil manner as her left hand was about to end Maxy. Maxy was over. In a few moments, the dagger would wound up in Maxy's chest now that he was defenseless.

The story of Maxy's life was about to be over... If it wasn't for the woman to fall behind unconsciousness... Maxy saw why he was saved... A girl, who wore a white T-shirt with a heart on it, and blue pants plus red high heel shoes, saved his life, by hitting the woman's head with a frying pan from behind. It was a girl he knew and loved.

"Glad I just bought a new frying pan!", the girl exclaimed excitedly, while smiling at Maxy. The girl had an SUV behind her, but Maxy couldn't take note of the details on it due to the girl. All he knew was that it looked towards the south.

"Katie?", Maxy asked, unable to believe what he saw.

"Maxy, what was that woman doing to you?", Katie asked.

"Thank you, Katie... this crazy woman... She claimed to be my sister... I'm confused"

"You only have one young sister, she's lying of course!"

"She had a copy of Roxy's special necklace, which can't be copied... She stated she's from the future... These lasers tell me something! Heck, she even knew our full names!! I can't... believe... anything..."

Katie looked at the motorcycle which was in front of her, and noticed that it was very futuristic. It looked impossible to drive to her, the handles were replaced with levers... It looked so impossible for the 21st century. She also noticed something... The motorcycle had a fingerprint scanner. She knew this fact: nobody's fingerprints can match with another's fingerprints. She could clear Maxy's head this way and regain his calm.

"Her motorcycle seems to have a fingerprint scanner on it, I'll check if what she says is the truth to calm you down", Katie informed Maxy.

"Sure... Let me know the truth..."

Katie found the young Roxy, who was unconscious. She placed her palm on Roxy's chest to find out if her heart still worked or not. "She's not dead, Maxy, she's alive, just blacked out". She lifted young Roxy's body on her left shoulder, then she walked to the motorcycle, until she placed Roxy down near the fingerprint scanner.

She put her own thumb finger on the scanner. "Access denied!". Now she placed young Roxy's finger on it... "Access granted!".

Maxy saw it at last. His doubts were over. This woman wasn't crazy at all... What she said was the truth...


That woman was Roxy from the future.

Maxy begun thinking, he heard his own voice speaking in his mind.

"But still, why would my sister kill me later? Why would she hate me later and take it as far as killing me?! I'm the one who gave her a happy life and devoted myself to make her happy, and that makes me even happier too. I'm the one who treated her illnesses many times, I'm the one who bought her toys and games, and DVDs of her favorite movies and cartoons, and I'm the one who will make sure she succeeds in setting up her own life... Why are you killing me, sister?! Why?!!"

Maxy's thoughts were thinking of Roxy. This couldn't be...

Mokrie Dela
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#3

Posted 16 July 2013 - 11:04 AM

RE no replies:
Well for my part i can only explain:

9/10 times im on my phone, and trying to type on that is crap.


RE: the warning - get rid of it. Blood and gore? This isn't a game, it's a story. we can't SEE it, so if it's there, it's there.



Reading through this, and its a sort of bittersweet feeling to me.

Firstly, the opening paragraph, i felt the descriptive language was a bit clunky. It read slightly awkward in parts. "In the distance lied a white house in a remote area connected with a fairly empty street."
It seems your work is simple narration - the story being told by a faceless narrator. That's fine, but this sounds like it's being told almost from a character's perspective. I dont think there's anything WRONG with it, but it stood out to me. In the distance from where? I personally find "lied" to be out of place. "was" might have been better - at least in my eyes. A remote area connected with a fairly empty street. I think this whole line could have been delivered better, and it's often that first line that pulls people in.

A "Fairly empty" street - these two words seem to contradict whatever you're going for. If you want to paint the picture of desolation, loneliness, quiet, then cut "fairly" - "Connected with an empty street." "Fairly" just takes away the impact. Its kinda empty, but not really. Oh. Well that seems pointless.

Why not expand it slightly? Where is it? In a city? A country town? at the end of a dirt track?

236 Wilkinson drive was a lonely house. It sat back from the empty street, exiled from the colonial-styled houses by a small but thick wood - a favorite dumping ground for all manor of discarded household appliances. Unlike most of the other houses, it was white, but was only seen in thoughtless glances by infrequent passing drivers. For weeks the new postman was unable to find it.
The house was lived in by two people - siblings. Both loved each other unconditionally, as most families did, but a tragic bond strengthened their relationship beyond that of friends or brothers. Even some young married couples lacked such a relationship.

Roxy Diminti Faiwalker was barely a year old when her mother passed away when she fell asleep at the wheel. Raising a young child on her own had taken its toll on her, and the lack of sleep had caught up with her as the light turned red.

Maxy Diminti Faiwalker, a typical teenager at the time, spent his time out with his friends, in various bars. After their mother died, the responsibility fell on him to bring up Roxy. In a matter of days, his youth was lost as he became his sister's surrogate father - the one she had never known.
The two slept in the same bed in their green pajamas, because she feared being in the dark alone.



Now for me, you're talking of their love too much. Saying they sleep in the same bed because they love each other, does not sound right to me at all. In fact it sound slightly incestuous. No brother and sister would sleep in the same bed for that reason. It's just.... weird. It's almost like you're confusing platonic love with that of lovers.

Although, on the flipside, if this was written from the sister's perspective, it might work, as the narration does sound slightly childlike. My rewrite above is not me saying how it should be done, but rather my reinterpreting it as if i had wrote it. And doing so has helped me see something:

The mother's death. This is a BIG thing; a life changer, and you simply mention it offhand like the weather. I tried to go a little bit more into it - and that was a quick write - and my point is:
It's a great emotional mechanic. The loss of a mother, the tragedy of a year old baby being orphaned, the struggle for a 18 year old to suddenly mature and take over - this is GOLD. Why? Because, if done right, it will pull your readers in. We'll feel sad, and sorry, and become attached to the characters. Good character development and writing is crucial to convey that effectively, and the constant mention of their love - as i said - is too much. All siblings love oneanother. All families do (well, most). There is no need to keep iterating it - instead, state it once, in a less forceful way like i did.

Thinking about it now, i think maybe describing the house and inhabitants should take a back seat. Start the story with:

Roxy Diminti Faiwalker was barely a year old when her single-mother died.
or something like that. Perhaps leave the house and whatever for after, and start with the emotional punch. Grab the attention, pull us in by our hearts. BOOM - we're invested. Then describe the house:

Roxy Diminti Faiwalker was barely a year old when her mother died, the victim of a freak accident - bad luck. She had no father - he had long since abandoned his pregnant partner, and her only family was an eighteen year old brother.
Maxy Diminti Faiwalker was the typical teenager. He'd spend his nights out at local bars, stumbling home moments before dawn and crashing on the sofa, too inebriated to climb the old, wooden stairs. The following week carried with it the wisdom of ten years as he was forced to mature, to stand in for his mother and[i] father. Roxy had not yet learned to talk or walk, and already she had no parents. No one to guide her, to pick her up when she fell, or to clean the inevitable cuts and bruises, or to comfort her in the night when a bad dream she did not understand woke her.
Maxy had to sacrifice his life to allow his sister to have one of her own. He could not allow her to be adopted by some strange family. The responsibility of her and the house was his now.

Their house was the only white one on the street, and stood back from the road, separated from the others by a small belt of wood. For a week when Roxy was three, they had no post. The postman - a replacement for the retired grey-haired man who always smiled as he delivered their parcels - couldn't see nor find their home.

Roxy was afraid of the dark, and Maxy understood. When the sun went down, Roxy was alone. The world turned its back on her, as cruelly as it had taken her parents from her. She would whimper and squirm in the night, half asleep, desperately trying to find life again. That's what it was like, Maxy thought. When you were scared of the dark, and lying alone in the blackness, it was like being surrounded by death. The light was life, just mere hours away, but such hours felt like forever.
Since he had figured out her fear, they had slept in the same bed, in their green pajamas. Roxy still squirmed and whimpered, but his touch and voice had become enough to settle her down. By the time she was five, his mere presence kept her demons at bay,.

As Roxy grew up, she began to look at her brother as the father she never had. That was what he had become, he realized. He would take her to school, then go to work, returning to pick her up and take her home. Then, while she sat and played with whatever toys he could afford, he would repair things - he had slung adverts on trees and telegraph poles and in shop windows as a man who would fix anything for a fair price. That was his second job. Then, when he put Roxy to bed as the sun began to set, the door ajar to allow the landing light to seep in, he would go downstairs and watch television for a couple of hours - his only leisure time.

"[i]Wake up sleepyhead!
" Roxy's voice was always cheerful in the morning. She had that joy on waking that only children had, before life and work sucked it from them. He opened his sleepy eyes to see her innocent, angelic face, and smiled. But his eyes wanted to cry - sooner or later, as she grew, morning would become less and less joyous, and that happiness she woke with everyday would be gone. That broke his heart.
"Ok, I'm up sweetheart." Maxy had learned life's greatest patience, that only came with parenting - patience. When Roxy was a baby, and he woke in the night to her cries, he was angry and upset. He growled and muttered profanities. Now he didn't.

Again, don't take that rewrite to be law - just my opinion, my own take on it.

The speech that follows, however, confuses me. Firstly - a new speaker on a new line. Golden rule. When two people are speaking, you don't need to keep saying "he said" - as indeed you have not done - but sometimes it's good to "remind" us - also lines of dialogue are tedious. Are both characters just standing there? In this case, Maxy would get out of bed. Roxy's nine so she can dress and wash herself, brush her teeth etc. Therefore she is likely already dressed - OR still in her pajamas because some people have breakfast before dressing. Either way, there needs to be more action here. Why not have the dialoge follow them downstairs as Maxy puts on some coffee and pours Roxy some cereal? He can retrieve the paper, or even simply make his bed (or indeed Roxy's bed). Having lines of dialogue alone is too one dimensional. It's just that. That's all there is.
Close your eyes and imagine the conversation they're having. Tell me: What are the DOING? Very rarely do people just talk. They're usually doing something else - especially in a home such as this. Morning's here and roxy needs her breakfast!

Now Roxy's speech is good. It's got that childlike vibe to it and while many nine year olds talk quite maturely now, emphasizing certain traits works well here. I can fully believe she's a child, just by reading her speech. Also the speech itself feels very... i don't know, in some parts unconvincing. For Maxy, it doesn't flow for me. It doesnt sound like real speech. It actually sounds like a translation - clumsy and messy.

[quote]Would you like me to get you something you love so much?"

"The 9th season of my favorite cartoon on DVD?[/quote]
Here for example - i don't feel these lines work together.

Instead I would put:

[quote]"You want me to get you something nice? I tell you what; I've got you something you'll love. Guess what it is."

"The 9th season of my favorite cartoon on DVD?"

"Nope. Even better than that!"[/quote]

Also - what is her favourite cartoon? A little detail here would be great:

"The ninth season of Spongebob?"

What kid would say "my favourite cartoon?" tounge.gif




[quote]"I'm glad my manager told me that I'm given a week of vacation because currently I made lots of graphical works he decided they should suffice for a week without me. And here I am, sitting right beside you, my sister."[/quote] I must admit I was like "what?" here. Maxy's speech here is just.... A kid would be like i was : "what?"
The speech sounds so wooden, so formal, like Maxy's a robot. Also his sentence is a bit long. The last bit of his speech sounds tacked on. It's sounding like either a translation or its a foreign person talking in english that they're not too knowledgeable with. (like for example eastern europeans, often omit the word "the" - "I am walking to shop to by milk."

Also, Maxy says things like "My sister" but in reality, he would use her name (or nickname) would he not? TBH rarely in my life do people actually use my name - my friend pretty much never says it, as there's no need to. Consider that.

[quote]"Let me tell you what I always tell you everyday, I love you, Maxy..."

"I love you too, Roxy"[/quote]
This could just be me here, but this sounds cheesy, I almost cringed (though Maxy's reply is perfect).

[quote]the sudden breaking of the door, which existed at the left of the living room. The door was sent at high speed to the stairs, and dust was filling the doorway of the busted door.[quote]
Now this really does feel awkward. The door "existed"? "Stood" or "was" would work so much better. Try to think of the flow of this - how would people SAY it? The door was sent at high speed toward the stairs - have you heard of personification? That might help you a little here:

[quote]the sudden breaking of the door, which had stood in the left-hand corner of the living room. The door spun and fell, crashing to the floor by the stairs in a cloud of dust.[/quote]
Try to only use as many words as you need to, and also to put some colour into it - think less newspaper report and more action/excitement. Think of those ghost stories round the campfire. You don't say "the door fell and the ghost came in. WOOOO, we ran." you say: "BANG! Suddenly the door exploded and this white mist poured through with a screeching noise. WOOOO. We all screamed - AAGHHH - and ran as fast as we could!"

Later on:


[quote]Eventually, Roxy cornered Maxy to a corner. He'd be dead. "You're cornered[/qoute]
this needs some work. You say cornered three times.
Eventually Maxy's back hit against the wall. "You're cornered," Old-Roxy said.


Also consider your titling. This was the "introduction?" Then there's an epilogue? No, this WAS the epilogue. Your second post would be the next chapter, or chapter 2.
I think the only problem (and it's not really a problem tbh but I cant think of a better word) is inexperience. You would benefit from reading other works on here and other websites (there's a lot, google them), and books. Also pop into the The Writers' Room - discuss the mechanics of writing (also look them up) and what have you. Look at other works and see where things differ with your own.


Right, in all this, there is one good.


That twist. I did NOT see it coming at all, and there was just about the right mixture of unseen twist and confusion - kinda like a mystery - i was asking "WTF is going on" but i had to read on. It was an interesting twist. The door crashed open and i though men with guns were going to run in.... cliched. No, instead it was different, and i like it.

unfortunately, it was lost in slightly messy writing. (I and most people here are guilty of this). It was a great twist, and i think with the right guidance, this could be a captivating read!

I'll check out part two soon

Diego Mustard
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#4

Posted 19 July 2013 - 06:25 PM

Thanks for the critique, Dela. That's all what I wanted, but unfortunately it was a little hard to get a critique as comprehensive as yours. All what I got to know is that the first conversation between the siblings was a little sexual and I didn't understand how or why, but after reading your critique I got an idea why.

The story was started in the middle of another darn school year. I hate schools so much, all the time you have to freaking study, so the details weren't my type at the time. It was the action and the events itself And I also admit that sometimes the narration is a little weird, but the way you point out clears up a lot of the weirdness I felt but could never find it out how. Also I wrote three fanfictions before it in that way too... one of them was a diary for Dr. Eggman, the other was about the cartoon mentioned here... and the last is about Bowser. It was obvious to me I'd work harder this time to describe the area around the characters, but I'm not really good at it that much.

Since there's too much to talk about, I'd just shoot to the most important points. I like the idea of starting with the tragedy first then going onto the details, and the backstory of the parents should be a lot easier to figure out than evil Roxy's was. The one when Maxy sounded "robotic", I'm not sure, but it seems like Maxy must smile and talk cheerfully. The lack of details once again I guess... About the love dialogue at the near end, I think that the first sentence should be removed.


But either way, from all that messed writing, I think its about to time to edit the introduction/epilogue... and thus, the entire story if needed.

Once again, thanks for your critique, Dela. The later chapters would be posted!

Mokrie Dela
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#5

Posted 19 July 2013 - 11:39 PM

You're very welcome. I hope more people input into this, as one man's opinion is never fully trustworthy. I've been wrong before, but I will continue speaking my opinion.

RE school - enjoy it while it lasts - the world of work is much worse! hahaha (I'm joking... or am i ;P)

The best advice i can give you though is to read. Read stories and "how to" books/posts. Nothing beats writing, but reading really does help.

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#6

Posted 20 July 2013 - 12:33 AM

Also noticed that the door which "existed" wasn't described really well, described it to be wooden and changed existed to "stood", may re-haul the rest of the story later when I get the time. I'll also mention that it was dark brown since I forgot to mention this part while writing. Meanwhile, here's chapter 2.

"Well, I asked somebody to help me with the story and that was why chapter 2 was halted. There's an event in the chapter that was going to be the fork in the road for me, especially when I make the later chapters. But here it is! Thanks to Scientific Tails for being the grammar nazi!"

Just a bit more text regarding the chapter. Though I edited the text from ST's revisions to the ones I felt were OK. Once again we can talk about sloppy writing! But I still hope the idea intrigues you all into the story.


==PROLOGUE==

My goodness! I found one of my oldest friends and my real love, Maxy, about to be killed by a woman in the middle of a highway! He seemed weird to me because she had made him believe she was his sister. However, I had it all wrong. His younger sister activated the fingerprint scanner on the woman's motorcycle, proving that the woman must indeed be Roxy.

She neutralized the two of them with a syringe that was impossible by today's standards; it had two storage sides: one to suck blood into the syringe, and one to inject the neutralizing liquid. I'm not sure why she needs the blood of herself and her brother if she wants to kill him. But the fact that the fingerprint scanner was activated by Roxy's tiny thumb is just...irritating. The only way that could happen would be if the scanner was set to Roxy's fingerprint, and that doesn't make sense considering the woman's evil nature.

Looks like I won't be able to enjoy teaming up with my true love, what with an evil Roxy from the future hot on his tail.

==CHAPTER 2: WHY ROXY? WHY?==


The police came to the area where future Roxy had fallen unconscious on the freeway. Four cars were already parked and eight policemen were there to take her to jail. Just two policemen were carrying her to a police car, one by her legs, and another by her handcuffed hands. She woke up while the policemen were about to take her into the back of the car via the rear left door. Just as soon as she woke up, she freed herself by pulling her hands free, and using them to hold her body on the ground. She then flipped the policeman holding her legs into the other policeman at high speed, hurting them both. The other policemen reacted by running towards her.

After Roxy had hurt the two officers, she flipped her legs one more time until she stood on her feet again, and pulled her hands away from each other violently, breaking the handcuffs. She then kicked a policeman in the stomach, throwing him into another policeman behind him. After this, she front-flipped behind the four other policemen, and punched one in the back, following with a kick to another, and then a jump kick on a third.

"Well, you may have stopped them, and broken your handcuffs, but I'm not giving up!" the last officer said.

She back-flipped behind him, and used the same dagger she almost killed Maxy with twice, stabbing the officer in the back and killing him. The other officers blacked out due to the strength of her attacks, with one almost trying to lift his head up. Roxy went to him and stomped on his head violently with her left leg.

"You stupid officers should be slaves later on. I will mock the laws you love so blindly" Roxy exclaimed.

Roxy headed to where Maxy had been shot by the syringe that rendered him unable to move and found the syringe, although the syringe that shot her younger self was missing. The syringe was a double syringe, something impossible...she picked it up. It had a blood sample in the second sector of the syringe, while the first, which had held the liquid which rendered Maxy unable to move, was empty.

"Wait, Maxy. Wait, watch and learn as now I can track you without my younger self with you!" Roxy exclaimed, before laughing evilly.

Meanwhile, Maxy was sleeping. He was dreaming. He was older than he was now, in his late 40s. He saw Roxy, at the same age of her "future self" who still wanted to kill him. However, she didn't seem to be evil.

"Maxy!" Roxy exclaimed loudly.

"Roxy!"

They moved nearer to each other. They appeared to have successful futures, unlike current future Roxy's.

"Long time no see!" Maxy stated.

"Yeah, I know." Roxy replied.

"What were you doing that whole time?"

"I found myself a new marketing and trading job."

"That's great! It seems that you're enjoying your job!"

"Yeah, I do. I love it very much."

"Well, I'm glad we've seen each other again."

They got near each other. Then they hugged each other for a long time.

"Let me tell you what I always tell you", Roxy told Maxy. Suddenly, Maxy closed his eyes and fell to the ground slowly. When he fell to the ground, it was obvious that he had been stabbed in the back by Roxy's dagger.

"I HATE YOU!!!" Roxy screamed before laughing evilly. Maxy suddenly woke up, frightened. He found himself on a bed in a room lit by a red bulb, with walls painted red. Medicine was all around him.

"Where am I?! Where's Roxy?!!" he questioned loudly.

Heard outside were a few footsteps, and then the door to the room opened. Katie entered the room with a cup of water. Unlike before, she was wearing glasses.

"Always creeped out easily. It seems like you had a nightmare", Katie pointed out.

"This can't be. I don't get nightmares..." Maxy told Katie.

"Everybody has nightmares. You can't have good dreams for eternity."

"I can't believe it...my Roxy can't be that evil...she lied to me, betrayed me, and stole my life in that nightmare...she's..."

"Chaotic evil?"

"Oh no...now I understand her, she's really the very embodiment of chaos! She doesn't just want to kill me and kidnap my young Roxy, she'd kill everybody who opposes her! Even if that one was simply innocent."

"Don't be that freaked out, Maxy. She's chaotic, yes, but as long as she's still your sister, you can turn her back to good. Trust me, I'm as confused as you in the whole sister-from-the-future thing."

"Things just can't get any weirder. I thought she was crazy until her finger prints told us everything."

"Enough of that, and keep calm. Take a cup of water, maybe you'll feel better."

Katie was Maxy's love interest since high school. They shared a lot of things, like the love of computers, calmness and intelligence. She was twenty-four years old, and was preparing to be a lungs-and-breathing doctor. This didn't stop her from learning and getting all kinds of medicine for different problems, whether natural or artificial, nor from studying diseases like flu, cancer, etc., but her main focus was on the lungs.

"Can I move now?" Maxy asked Katie.

"Yes, you and Roxy were just neutralized. Roxy's undeveloped body and nervous systems had to black out from the neutralization. You blacked out while I was driving you home."

"What happened to my car?!"

"I towed it with me. You can leave your bed. If you look out this window, you'll see where I live now."

There was a window behind Maxy's bed. He left the bed as Katie told him he could, and then he lifted his body to look out the window. Outside the window was a steep street in front of the building. He was in a residential building with a garage entrance which let into an underground garage floor. There was also a tram moving along a line in the middle of the wide street, and people were walking on the steep pavement.

"San Francisco?" Maxy asked.

"Yes, Maxy. I'm living in San Francisco now. I'm happy that I'm living here now."

"Why?"

"San Francisco was the place I always dreamt of in my childhood. It might be riddled with countless earthquakes, but that didn't stop me from living in the hills, the expensive and rich houses, and the land of the Golden Gate Bridge."

"Umm, yeah, that's great. You fulfilled your dream!"

"Oh, and I forgot to tell you something... I love you. I still love you from that very day I looked in your deep blue eyes."

"I loved you, too, and I still love you...you're the perfect girl I always dreamt of."

Katie giggled. "I still laugh when I hear your voice speaking about me. You're also the perfect man. But I want you to check Roxy now, she's worried about you."

"She is?"

"Yeah. First reassure her about you, and then we can..." at that moment, Katie giggled again "...continue our love story."

Maxy laughed. "Yeah, I'm gonna check her out."

Maxy headed to and exited through the door Katie entered. He found himself in a long hallway, covered by a long red carpet and lit by a red bulb. He found doorways on the two sides, and a larger room ahead of him. He heard a familiar sound from one of the rooms.

"Roxy must be watching Fairies R' Odd. I know that voice belongs to the funny woman fairy." Maxy noted to himself.

He suddenly realized that the sound was coming from the big room ahead of him, which turned out to be the living room. The TV was on, broadcasting the cartoon which he had already noted. The living room had two couches and two chairs, plus a table in the middle and vases all around. To the right of the doorway to the hallway was a bookshelf full of books about medicine, diseases, and, most importantly, books about lungs and breathing, the thing that Katie wanted to specialize in. Roxy was sitting on the left hand of one of the couches. This couch faced the TV directly, while the other was diagonally to the left of the former.

"Maxy!" Roxy exclaimed excitedly, breaking her current mood. She had looked worried.

"Roxy, I'm glad you're fine!" Maxy exclaimed.

"What happened to you, brother?"

"Nothing...just a nightmare. But I reassure you that everything is alright."

Maxy has to make everything alright, he thought. He shouldn't tell her about the nightmare he just had. He didn't want to tell her about it because he felt the consequences could be very, very bad for her. Roxy acting like she still loves Maxy, then it turns out it was a lie? He had that as a nightmare, but he certainly didn't want it to actually happen to him. He'd fail at taking care of his sister for good this way. He didn't want her to be evil in any way possible. He wanted her to be successful and accomplish her dreams, not to kill, steal, betray and lie. Or get influenced more by her future self. Influence. Maxy thought of that word long. If by any chance this is a thing, if watching the chaotic evil Roxy would end her youn-

"Maxy, are you watching?" Roxy asked, confused.

"Oh, yes. I do. I see evil Tim is once again overworking the poor Victoria"

"Maybe you're just thinking?"

Roxy is right. He wasn't watching. He was thinking, though he‘d just acted as if he was watching.

"No...there is nothing better than watching with you, my sweetheart."

"Oh, I love you, my brother"

Hearing this statement from his younger sister gave him the shivers. He knew that a certain event would make Roxy hate him to the point of attempting murder, regardless of whether or not innocent people would be killed, whether or not the good environment would survive her acts of polluting it. Roxy would hate him, and by then she would have developed her evil.

Roxy placed her head on Maxy's lap, now watching the cartoon with her brother. At that moment, he decided to break out of his mood and enjoy the long-running cartoon.

Meanwhile, future Roxy was still driving recklessly. Her DNA tracker now had two spots on the radar. However, because both Maxy and present Roxy were in one area, the spot was the same. She heard a beep and stopped the motorcycle.

The fingerprint scanner was not only a fingerprint scanner, but an all-purpose touch screen. The blue screen stated that she was receiving a call from the future. Two choices were present as buttons on the touch screen: "Answer", and "Reject". She tapped "Answer".

"Hello," Roxy started.

"I see that your goal was one an inch away from being fulfilled. You were about to kill him yourself" a mysterious masculine voice pointed out.

"And what's special about that?"

"Why didn't you change your loadout and take long range weapons with you?"

"Nobody tells me what to do! I'll kill the idiotic Maxy, and when I do, I'll make sure I kill him for the sheer joy of it! I want to see his blood leaving his body the way I want to! Not even YOU can decide how I kill him!!" Roxy yelled.

"Oh, I respect that. I was suggesting. But remember me..."

"If I wanted to, I'd kill you as well! I'd kill everybody I see!! Don't call me AGAIN!!! Or rather I say, NEVER CALL ME AGAIN!!!" Roxy yelled angrily in a very loud voice.

Then she tapped the "End" button on her touchscreen. After that, she tapped on the touchscreen in a combination of top-left, bottom-right, top-right and bottom-left, effectively turning the call feature off. "Call functions turned off" said a computer voice, reading what was written on the screen.

"You thought I'd listen to your calls with your stupid open-source Linxdroid system? Think again...and when I enable the calls again, I'll kill you if you called me even once...I'll destroy you if you called me a lot!!" Roxy yelled before laughing evilly.

Meanwhile, back at Katie's apartment in San Francisco, Fairies R' Odd had just ended and the channel it had aired on shifted to the hourly US news. Roxy left the couch.

"News...boring..." Roxy stated.

"Well, you can ask Katie to play with you or check for a DVD to play with her. I need to check the news. Sorry, sweetheart" Maxy apologized.

"No problems, Maxy!"

Roxy left off to the hallway. The news began airing. A male news anchor in a black business suit, holding his papers, began to read his reports.

"Reports of a mysterious woman causing havoc in the countryside near South San Francisco were sent to the police department. Out of all her threats, she used a laser that could disable everything in a car and render it useless. She also damaged an unspecified total of civilian and police cars and caused the death of a civilian via her reckless driving." the male reporter said

"Oh, darn you evil Roxy..."

"Witnesses also say that she was driving a motorcycle and that these lasers look more realistic than CGI"

The news changed to show a recorded video expressing the witnesses' encounter with Roxy.

"I was about to be killed, me and my family! A motorcycle was chasing another car with lasers that look like they were ripped off of Galactic Wars!" a male witness said.

"I don't know what to say, the motorcycle looked undrivable to me. I can't explain how it looked. But one thing is that I swayed last night because of it, and was on the verge of death" a female witness said.

The video cut off to a man holding a microphone. The reporter.

"And so the mysterious woman remains mysterious, but we know that around twenty-three injuries and one death have resulted from a woman driving an undescribable motorcycle. This has been Luke Freeman from the Hawk Channel."

"Twenty-three injuries?? Roxy made twenty-three injuries?!! This can't be!"

The channel cut to the news anchor to report another headline.

"Speaking of the mysterious woman, two officers promoted this threat to a high-level warning, with reports that their cars had been disabled along with their radio signals. The prime minister warns all citizens of California to stay indoors until her threat is cleared away."

Then it cut to footage of Ashley, the officer who cooperated with Lashly, the officer who got a photo of her. Ashley spoke.

"We were doing our duty, enforcing the laws, by trying to stop this woman. But unlike criminals of our time, she shot a laser at both of our cars and even damaged my car's front. This made us unable to start our engines or speak through the radio to report. The only photo left of her is this photo taken by our fellow comrade and friend, Lashley, who took it when she stopped at a hairpin U-turn"

"Great!" Maxy stated in excitement.

Lashley now spoke, "but when we returned to our police station after calling the police forces via public telephone lines, we got reports of eight officers not responding to their radio signals. We, and I, personally, blame this on the woman, since they were sent to arrest her and take her to justice."

"Oh no..." Maxy stated. If the authorities can’t do a thing with her, then she’s far too powerful for anyone in her present time. Too powerful to the point that the S.W.A.T. could be deployed as well. If worse comes to worst, the army will have to deal with her. If eight officers, a good amount of officers for stopping a criminal, can’t stop her, then nobody will even be able to touch her.

Maxy thought about checking his car. So he left the news, which cut off to the anchor again, and went to the hallway. He turned to the second door on the right, which opened into Katie’s bedroom. Covered in pink, the room had a bed, a closet with cupboards, vases and paintings, and, most importantly, her laptop. Like any computer user, she had programs and games and all, but her desktop was literally full of health documents. Her love for health, especially for lungs and breathing, was something equal to the relation between Roxy and Maxy. A strong relationship.

“Katie?” Maxy asked.

“What do you need help with, Maxy?” Katie asked.

“I want to check my car. I feel that I’m missing something...”

“I suggest you stay indoors, away from the woman, if possible.”

“I need to encounter her and learn more of her deeds.”

“No, Maxy, stay away from her. I don’t want you dead; I’d be dead if you’re dead!” Roxy interrupted.

“I’m sorry Roxy, but everywhere we go, this woman is after us. I must find a way that will let her spill more info about why she wants me dead! Maybe we can use this information for our good!”

“Please, listen to the girl. The woman already has authority on her tail, the policemen failed, why can’t you wait for the more powerful S.W.A.T. and the army to take her off the map?” Katie pointed out.

“And as a plus,” Katie continued, “you don’t want authority on your tail too.”

“Katie, I can’t bear it, there’s something that made this woman evil and I want to find out what it is. I’ll take all sorts of medicine from you and weapons to defend myself with and let her spell out everything in her corrupted heart. Then I’ll get an idea on why her heart is actually corrupt!”

“Corrupted hearts need to be replaced. The woman must be disposed of, not kept alive. I know you’re dying to know why she’s after you, but I’d rather let her be disposed. Everything will be all right...”

“Please Maxy, listen to Katie...she cares for you as much as I do”, Roxy pointed out.

“I know...well, Katie, I’ll let you know tonight what I have to say from my heart” Maxy told Katie.

“Sure, Maxy. I’ll tell you why you should stay away and you tell me why she’s important and we’ll find a compromise for this. But please Maxy, if you still insist on adventuring by yourself, please...like the cute Roxy says, I don’t want you dead. If you’re gonna hunt for the truth, do what is right and don’t do what is wrong. You would’ve been killed without my help; this woman seems to be a pretty tough killer.”

“Oh, by the way, Katie...thanks for saving my life...without you, I’d have died in a gruesome way that would’ve ended up having Roxy screwed for life.”

“No problem, Maxy...thanks for coming back to me after all these years of not seeing each other...”

A little later, future Roxy was still driving. It was almost midnight and she was still in the countryside.

"Intelligent of you...doesn't mean your blood is safe from my evil..."

She was only a few kilometers away from the Golden Gate Bridge. San Francisco would suffer from her evil ambitions as well, although few cars rarely roam San Francisco at midnight.

At Katie's home, she was in her living room with Maxy. Roxy was in Katie's bedroom, asleep. The TV was off. Katie was talking.

"Look, Maxy, we should stay away from all killers at all costs, and call the police to let them deal with the criminals. If you happened to be anybody’s targeted victim, there would be no use in letting the criminal listen to your philosophies, because he or she will ignore them and follow his or her own instincts, which he or she is not only used to, but addicted to as well. And speaking of addiction, forcing a criminal to give up his addiction to crime is as hard as forcing somebody to give up on general addiction. The smoker won't stop smoking if somebody tells him to stop. It’s a very hard and long process. Doing that on a killer is like hurting yourself to personally demolish a house, only to die from the damages anyways. She might be Roxy from the future, your sister that you care for truly, but you should avoid her and let young Roxy be safe and within your hands."

"But this Roxy is from the future. Currently she's one of the best things I have in my life. There must be something that will happen to her, and that will make her very evil. Because she's from the future, and she's actually my sister, it is my responsibility to prevent whatever turned her evil from happening. I must know what happened to her first before young Roxy is in any safety, otherwise it is a guaranteed fact that I'll never learn the reason for her evil and thus she will be evil no matter how hard I try to avoid that."

"Guess what, Maxy? I didn't take into consideration that there are timelines in our problem. Maybe you're right, if we don't find out what made Roxy evil, then we'll never know and it will be hard to turn her back."

"Yes, Katie. The special necklace, our full names, time travelling and her fingerprints... I just can't take it anymore. She will have genuine hatred towards me. This necklace which cost me a lot for the gold to be shaped and for the carving, with the photo I'll never forget...she will destroy it...and it will break like pieces of sharp glass. Every time I think about how she broke the necklace...about how she's yelling her hatred towards me in an unbearable manner...about how she was one step away from stabbing me with the dagger...I feel...I can't even express it..."

"Maxy, I respect your thoughts about Roxy. The way you pointed it out, you're in desperate need of help. I have the feeling that we won't be able to extract any information about her evilness and that her evilness will extract our blood instead, but...I'm going to be with you in your every step towards finding the truth. Trust me, I do love you and care for you, after all..."

Maxy began to have tears in his eyes.

"Thanks, Katie. I always knew you'd be there to help me, like you said that day"

"Oh Maxy...that day still shines in my heart..."

Both of them were living in a flashback. They were teenagers in high school, and a third male teenager was present. Maxy was absent.

Katie was dressed in a blue T-shirt with white pants, and she had a small bag sitting on her shoulder. The teenage male wore all-black clothing, even his backpack was black.

"Oh, Katie! You must know that I need your story book or else I'll be facing the consequences for not getting the book!" the male teenager almost yelled in frustration.

"And if I'm not in my class with that story book, then I'd be busted! Sorry, but go look for somebody who is willing to risk for you. I’m not one who will, in any way possible, risk for anybody." Katie said.

"You know how much that hurts? I won't be happy unless you give me the book!"

Maxy saw the fight between Katie and the teenager. He had to do something because...

"Oh my, my friend is once again meddling and annoying girls."

Maxy came up to them. He was wearing a grey T-shirt, beige pants, yellow shoes and a white backpack.

"Petey, please stop annoying the girl. What she says is right, if she lent you her book, she'd be reported by her teacher. We don't want to cause trouble. We're friends after all, right?" Maxy asked Petey.

"Oh, maybe you're right...I should be reported for being a bad student..." Petey said sadly.

"I found out that this guy called Robin had stolen your book, and it’s with me now. In fact, I was looking for you everywhere."

Maxy took his backpack off of his back, and opened the back zipper. After he opened the zipper, he put his hand inside the backpack, and pulled out a story book. The book had "A Journey to the Center of the Earth" as its plot and story. He handed it off to Petey.

"Thanks, Maxy. I don't know what I would]have done without you. I'll deal with that Robin guy now" thanked Petey, before leaving.

"No problem, Petey" Maxy responded.

"Maxy?" Katie asked.

Maxy turned around to face the girl. To him, she looked like she could be his dream girl. She felt intelligent, had a calm voice, and most of all, seemed helpful and nice. Katie raised her hand to touch the right side of Maxy’s head, and let her whole palm touch Maxy's cheeks. She also looked at him in the eyes...

"What is it, Katie?"

"Not only did you help me, but you helped me calmly and without fighting...you're one of the nicest people I've ever met. I'd love to see you again."

Just as much as Maxy felt that she was his perfect companion, Katie knew he was her perfect companion as well. Maxy hesitated from responding. This was the first time that a girl had told him that she'd love to see him again. He'd try to get himself out of the situation...

"I'd like to see you again, Katie", Maxy pulled an answer.

"If you need help with anything, don't hesitate to come to me!" Katie told him excitedly. Both of them laughed because of Katie's response.

"Maxy, I think we'd be great companions..."

"Yeah, maybe we could be."

Then the flashback ended, both Maxy and Katie returned to consciousness again.

"Oh, Maxy, those were the days..."

"Yeah...that whole situation was one of the best, although I admit I was nervous."

"No problem, Maxy! I was nervous in that situation too!"

"I think you're right. But at the same time, we mustn't forget about Roxy. We must do what is needed, and then we can have fun."

Meanwhile, Roxy was, at last, near the Golden Gate Bridge, midnight still darkening the sky.

"That bridge...San Francisco...the city where Maxy's grave will lie, if they can even find his body parts! I'm pretty sure you'll never live again!" Roxy stated before laughing evilly, as she sped to the Golden Gate Bridge, which had S.W.A.T. forces waiting.

"Reported motorcycle coming straight to the bridge, be prepared for any attack from that mysterious woman. Don't let her take you all down! The safety of the states depends on you!" ordered a radio signal to all S.W.A.T. forces.

But most importantly, can Maxy do what he thought about, to try to find out why future Roxy is evil? Can he fulfill his goal without allowing her to fulfill her own goal which would stop him from fulfilling anything at all?

Katie was preparing her car. It was a Lexus SUV, enough for her to drive. She was taking her medicine, books, the laptop, and two frying pans...the tools that seemed essential for survival.

Maxy, meanwhile, was at Katie's bed, in which Roxy was sleeping. Maxy put his palm on her forehead. Maxy had to reassure the sleeping Roxy.

"Roxy, trust me, I won't let you become evil. I'll try my best to keep you the best sister I've ever known, and not the sister who will not give up a chance to kill me. I won't give up on you!"

Diego Mustard
  • Diego Mustard

    Ultimate Criminal

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#7

Posted 22 July 2013 - 01:31 AM

The introduction has been modified. I added a bunch of new dialogue, modified some other bits to make sense, remove other bits to also make sense (such as Maxy and Roxy sleeping in the bed because they loved each other, now should be because of her fear of the darkness only), and most importantly...

Started straight with the two characters and the tragedy they met before talking about where the house was.

The other chapters remain as they are, but after taking your suggestions, Dela, the epilogue looks... more like a story than the one I saw before... I admit, the quality is better now than before. Thanks for your critic suggestions, Dela!

Next chapter should be soon.

Diego Mustard
  • Diego Mustard

    Ultimate Criminal

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#8

Posted 27 July 2013 - 08:49 PM

Now let's advance this story even more. Oh, I'll update the first chapter too! I'll write new chapters as well as revise older chapters. To date, I have 8 chapters and the prologue of course. The prologue, chapter 1 and 7 are revised as of now.

==PROLOGUE==

I'm sure I will get him! He thought he'd escape, right? I'm very very sorry that he must meet his certain, bloody death. A death so bloody, that even myself won’t be able to describe the gore and violence involving it! If you thought its very simple to escape me, then forget it, you are actually wasting your time, efforts, breathe and money. In fact, I love when you're losing all of these, they make your death more certain than I can describe!

He might be my brother whom I loved long ago, but what now? I'm no longer that child he treats at the moment, how childish I was. The Golden Gate Bridge comes into my vision, so will be Maxy, and will be my younger self, the former to be torn apart to pieces, the latter will be kidnapped! Hahahahahahaha!!

==CHAPTER 3: ENCOUNTERING ROXY==

It was only a matter of time, before the would be evil Roxy ruined the day, or rather ruined Maxy's whole life, screwed Katie forever, and worse, as a series of consequences to her horrible actions, scar her younger, innocent self to what she became to be, a monster. While the young girl cared about her big brother who brought her happiness, the old girl didn't seem to have any emotions or feelings at all towards anybody. Her goals were cruel and sadistic, and could be pulled off in any possible way, but she chose the hard way, the violent and blood spilling way, to achieve her goals. She didn't want to let Maxy breathe, she wanted him dead, and by dead, she meant to tear him apart piece by piece. Even if he was killed by a knife stab, it would be her pleasure to also continue the killing of her brother by also cutting him to even more pieces. Her violence was very horrible, even to the point that describing it made you feel scared.

She almost went near the Golden Gate Bridge, it would be a few moments before she caught up with the S.W.A.T. forces waiting to end her threat, which not only targeted Maxy but also could be the result of the death of others, because her feelings were dead. Not to mention that a few people died on her hands too.

Katie couldn't help but listen to Maxy. She thought Roxy's threat would be over when the authorities stop her, but Maxy pointed out that the troublesome girl was much bigger than that. She was not just any girl. She came from the future, and she was Roxy herself, and she had been proven to be his present-time sister but from the future. After all, Maxy must know why she became all evil, or else no matter what he did, his sister will eventually corrupt into the nightmare he feared.

Maxy thought she'd come to the house to kill everybody...his feeling is getting true as he sensed trouble was coming to him. But staying in his long forgotten girlfriend's house cornered between the many books and furniture, and Roxy, he could be rendered easily dead. Whereas in the open streets, he'd be able to escape her more easily.

"Maxy, I'm calling my cousin to make him look over Roxy. He's been known to take care of children very well... Every child loves him", Katie informed Maxy who was in the living room.

"No, Katie, don't", Maxy replied.

"Why, honey? You know that you don't want to endanger your sister as well!"

"I know she'd be in danger, but I have to. If Roxy comes with us, her future self would have to be careful about the way she's going to kill us with, or else she'll kill her younger self, and herself."

"I love your logic, but isn't bringing your sister with us a bad idea?"

"Not bringing her with us is the bad idea. We'll be inside your car. If we leave the house without Roxy, she won't hesitiate to kill us on the first chance she'd get. If we bring Roxy with us, she'll think twice before getting to touch us. She cares for herself as much as she cares for killing me."

"Oh, now I completely understand your point. Wake her up right now, there's no time to lose!"

"Oh, and prepare right now! I'm sensing her danger getting near!"

Meanwhile, at the bridge, the S.W.A.T. forces, armed with Uzis and armor to stop such threat that resulted in the death of two officers and a few innocent citizens were waiting. They prepared their roadblock which consisted of four vans blocking off both directions of the bridge. This night surely was one of the hardest nights for the forces, to the point they admitted being nervous. But they had to do their duty, stop Roxy, dead or alive. She knew her crimes and insisted on doing them, and that's why the S.W.A.T. had no choice but to kill her, unless she happened to surrender, which they doubted she'd do.

"Troops, start readying up! The woman is speeding on the other side, its only a matter of time before we stop this threat!", one of them ordered.

"Roger that!", another replied.

Little do they know that Roxy was nearly unstoppable, otherwise the officers would've had captured her to justice.

"Roxy! Wake up!", Maxy said loudly at Katie's bedroom where Roxy was sleeping, which made Roxy wake up frightened.

"What's up, Maxy?! I didn't sleep yet!"

"That's no time to sleep. That woman is coming back and I feel it! Our new home just won't help us, it will make us more open to her, and death."

"Oh my! Why doesn't she stop haunting us?"

"Its a long story, but now we need to escape, we have no other choice."

"No other choice?"

"But before the escape... Comes finding out why she wants our blood flying."

"Why do you need me with you? Can't you just let somebody look after me?"

"She wants you kidnapped, and no matter how she really wants me dead, she can't kill you because you're so important to her for some reason, and thus she cannot kill me really easily unless I'm away from you..."

"I don't want to be kidnapped by her! She might torture me or kill me slowly as well!"

"Don't worry... I will be beside you, she'll think TWICE before hurting me, or else she's hurting you as well. And she cannot kill you unless she goes nuts someday."

"Maxy, are you still curious about why this woman is evil?"

Maxy's thoughts had been interupted by young Roxy. Now that he learnt that the woman after him was also the very same Roxy he was talking to, he didn't want to ruin her future... He thought that he should keep this knowledge for himself and Katie, but never young Roxy. He was afraid that evil Roxy could be an influence on her, and he was afraid that if the scenario that Roxy got kidnapped happened, the woman would prove to young Roxy that she was nobody other than Roxy herself, which would allow her to corrupt herself more easily. He musn't tell her, so if she got kidnapped, she'd have at least a little more resistance against her rather than giving up entirely to her, becoming the monster she will be.

"Yes...", Maxy replied. "I want to know why she's so crazy about you and me. Maybe then we can negotiate with her, since she comes from the future, and it is possible to change the past."

"Well then, bro. I will help you like you helped me!"

"I love you..."

"I love you too..."

Meanwhile, future Roxy finally got to the countryside side of the bridge. It was only a few seconds before the forces got to meet her and- her motorcycle's tires had been popped out due to a set up roadspike.

"Aarrrgh! Those foolish forces think they can stop me! They are not only wasting my time, but they're also wasting their lifes!!"

The motorcycle's speed was reduced from a near 89 miles per hour to 1 mile per hour and eventually the wheels stopped due to the friction with the ground.

"Two wheels lost. Excellent."

But by then, the forces had started running towards her. A surprise was that a chopper appeared to help stop her, and more vans were joining the fun, or the massacre. It's like Roxy was surely over.

"Surrender to us or face the consequences!", the chopper's officer comanded using the communicator.

With forces that surrounded her around in every direction, there was no choice but to either face justice, or death.

In a swift move, she jumped over the officer in the direction of the opposite side. The forces began firing towards Roxy, but Roxy's movement killed one of the forces by a stab. The forces were still on-going about the fire...

Meanwhile, Maxy was sitting on Katie's only couch, thinking even deeper about the problem. He began to sense that because he had always feared her, and because she may or may not tell him why she was all around evil, he felt something.

He was depressed.

Life had changed from tiring but happy to tiring, sad, rough and eventually depressing. He was simply running away from his sister, instead of working and pleasing her at the same time. He now lived in another house, at another area, albeit temporarily. He would leave it soon and quickly to save himself, Katie and Roxy. A second with future Roxy could mean doom. If Maxy failed in any of this, his life was going to be very miserable and depressing if he escaped alive.

"Maxy, no time for you to sit down sadly, its time to move on with our adventure!", Katie told him as she saw him sitting on her couch face down from her hallway, before she entered her bedroom again.

Surely, he wouldn't refuse on doing what he planned and told to her, but would this attempt get him a little far into the problem? Depression and the determination to finish his goal no matter what were conflicting with each other in his own self.

He tuned the T.V. on to try and forget about his depression. Maybe future Roxy wasn't haunting him any more. A quick check of the news would be helpful.

"Breaking news, the S.W.A.T. forces who were awaiting the female suspect who resulted in many traffic related deaths, injuries and losses with her reported futuristic motorcycle had been claimed to be the killer of an entire line of S.W.A.T. forces lined up to stop her at the Golden Gate Bridge in an effort to stop such threat from terrorizing the people from the states, not to mention that an entire chopper was destroyed, and is now still burning on the bridge. There is only one witness to that massacre, and we're gonna listen to him right now."

Maxy didn't have to listen to the officer who stayed alive through the massacre and be the only real witness of the massacre. He knew that future Roxy did an undescribable massacre even with the strong S.W.A.T. forces as opposed to surrendering to them. Who knows if she would face the army later and do something a lot worse to the highly technological army? The authorities sure wanted her down, but they'll need to take the same efforts as defending from another army. Its too much.

And thus, Maxy started crying. His sister will grow to be more violent, especially as he sees from T.V.

Katie heard about his crying. She had to make him stop crying or else, Maxy will die, and she'd be in danger. She was running to the living room through her hallway, before she had encountered Maxy.

"Maxy, there is no time to cry!"

"Roxy will be THIS! She will be the most dangerous human being in the world! And I'll be unable to do a thing..." Maxy said before he went deeper with the crying.

"You know what stops you, dear? Your determination to help your sister conflicts with you internally."

"You think?"

"Yes. I know how protective you are, and how you care about your sister. If its a simple fault that will change the lifes of you both, then we better find out before it will be written in the past, never to be changed unless its too late."

"I need to find out why... But she's so deadly now..."

"You wanted it yourself, don't give up to what you see... Confront her, let her tell you everything, even if she didn't want to, then at least you can get the idea. Don't give up, depression will doom you..."

Future Roxy was driving her motorcycle. She had used her two extra wheels a little while before and replaced the old wheels. She had been driving through San Francisco itself at night, although she had been careful with her driving instead of driving recklessly.

"Didn't I tell you that you are a waste of time, and your own lifes? Hmm... Please Maxy, stay right where you are!"

Meanwhile, Maxy, Katie and Roxy were preparing Katie's car for the troublesome confrontation. Katie was placing some frying pans in the car, front and back, while Roxy was sitting to the right of the driver's seat, and Maxy was checking the car. He had finished checking the car and opened the door to Roxy's seat.

"Could you please let me in?" Maxy asked politely.

"Sure!", Roxy responded excitedly.

Roxy left her seat to the outside of the car, allowing Maxy to sit in. Maxy sat, and Roxy followed by sitting on his lap. Maxy began instructing Roxy.

"Look, my little Roxy. We're on a dangerous mission to something. Please don't leave the car at all costs-"

"...and listen to what I say", Katie said from outside her car while looking in from outside the window.

"Oh Katie, I love how you interupted me! But please be careful this..."

Maxy looked out of the window at the sky.

"...morning!" Maxy continued.

The sky was a tint between light and dark blue. It was a shade of dark blue from a certain direction, while the other direction had a shade of light blue. The stars were shining through the darkness, while the light faded them away. Katie opened the door and entered the car, followed by her closing the door.

"Maxy, please don't ruin the day."

She had locked the door and started the engine. And that's when the car started going down the steep hill.

Meanwhile, future Roxy's DNA tracker showed that Maxy and Roxy were moving away from her, albeit slowly.

"No, don't think about even escaping slowly. You're mine and I mean it!"

That's when she noticed that the distance inbetween her and them was only a few kilometers, around 30.

"Maxy, your days are so over, soon!" she said, as she had just noticed that Roxy was still with him.

"Oh no... I can't just destroy him straight away, or else, I'm also destroying myself!"

Back to the car, Katie was still taking it slowly. That's when her heartbeats were getting louder, and she sensed them herself. Everybody was stressed.

Suddenly, future Roxy showed up. However, the car had stopped instead of speeding away, and then Maxy left the car, with his hand behind. That's when Roxy left her motorcycle to confront Maxy who is bravely going to talk to her.

"Well, well, Maxy... Thank you so much for accepting your death fate!" Roxy excitedly said.

"I don't understand why you want me dead, please explain, why do you want me dead?" Maxy calmly asked, as Roxy pulled her dagger off and slowly walked towards him from a few meters away.

"Heh heh. You will know why later, I won't tell you anything, I'll make you regret doing it!"

"I can figure out your problem and fix it, trust me!"

"No, stop lying!! The only way I could fix my issue if you were DEAD, along with that planet if I wished!!!"

Roxy was even nearer to Maxy, Katie and the young Roxy were more worried about him standing bravely and questioning her.

"We must do something about Maxy!" young Roxy suggested.

"Keep your calm Roxy, we're already so worried", Katie responded.

Maxy became more nervous, he was sure he could do it, but it appeared that he was going to a full stop.

"Roxy, I really care about you and how you feel, please, don't kill me, I will fix my error if you just told me what it is!" Maxy begged.

"You care about how I feel? Ha. What you don't know is, my feelings were dead from a long time ago. No amounts of your care nor your begging will EVER, change my way of how I look at you, as a rotten brat, who will never care about his sister. As the bug which bit me and left a mark behind YEARS AGO, or moments later in present terms..."

"But-"

"Stop saying but all day! You fully deserve to be killed, along with every human being on this planet, unless that human being is myself."

Katie had left her car with one of her frying pans silently to defend Maxy who had been cornered by Roxy, who was just two meters away, with the dagger almost flying above him.

"Now, Maxy, it is really the time to say my final goodbye to you, my own way... GOODBYE FOREVE-" Roxy was smacked by Katie's frying pan from behind, but unlike before that didn't black her out. Maxy ran away, while Roxy faced Katie.

"Katie...! Long time no see!" said Roxy in sarcasm.

"Well you little fiend! If you go to great lengths to kill your brother then you're actually one flawed human being!" Katie responds in anger

"Look who calls who a flawed human being! In my opinion, you should be killed for defending him!" Roxy said as she lifted herself off the ground.

"Maxy sure will fix your problem if you just tell us what it is! Your horrible violent acts aren't going to get us anywhere!"

"YES IT WILL TAKE ME TO SOME PLACE! And I call it my own happiness! Every single one of you should be miserable!"

"He can take you to that place in even less time and effort if you just asked him politely!"

"Ahh, the same old Katie who's too knowledgable... Too knowledgable to the point that nothing of what you say is in my interests! I want to choose the hard way, that is KILLING YOU ALL, and I don't care if there's a much simpler route..." Roxy said as she slowly walked towards Katie.

"Why do-"

"SHUT UP! I feel happy when I'm chasing you all... I feel the pleasure that had been stolen from me long ago due to that Maxy you're defending now... all what you're doing now is blabbering about Maxy being kind to me... I don't care, none of my happiness in this life, not even the happiness he was making me live through, will be compared to the happiness of me killing him... and KILLING YOU! I'm so glad to see you DIE!"

Roxy swung her dagger at Katie's arms, but Katie defended herself using the frying pan, by striking the dagger. That forced Roxy to drop the dagger, which left her open for another hit on the face with the frying pan.

"Why do you want your brother dead?! Don't you realize you're going for the bad fix that will keep you bad and unhappy forever?!" Katie said as she had her foot on the dagger.

"Nobody interferes with my plans!" yelled Roxy as she pulled her dagger from Katie's foot. Katie responded by striking her in the face again with the frying pan. Maxy had realized that Katie was in great danger, so he held her arms and pulled her strongly towards the car. Unfortunately, Roxy had wounded him in his left arm which he held Katie with, which had resulted in him screaming out of extreme pain. The wound was long but not deep.

"Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! This is just the beginning, but you're not running away from the end!" Roxy said as she pulled out her crossbow and sniper rifle hybird from her belt, and then aimed at Maxy. As she tried to pull the arrow back, young Roxy had attacked her legs with a frying pan, which resulted in future Roxy missing, instead the arrow hit a mailbox. The arrow looked so black and dull.

"Leave my brother alone, you evil woman!" young Roxy said.

"I'm no evil woman, you little idiot! I am YOURSELF!!" future Roxy yelled.

"What?!! You're myself?!!"

"Yes you-"

A flying frying pan had hit future Roxy in the face, which allowed Maxy to run towards young Roxy and hold her to the car with his right arm. He had entered the car along with Roxy and they sped off.

"Those fools think they can escape my wrath!" she yelled before going to the motorcycle.

Meanwhile, one of the buildings had a mysterious man. He held his radio transmitter and began talking to it.

"General, the female suspect is down there at Pawn Avenue. I expect her to go down San Francisco, in the direction of a Lexus car holding two girls and a man." the man said.

"Thanks for informing me. The army will hunt her down soon."

Maxy tried to find a way with Roxy, but he knew that her feelings will die in the future. There was no way Maxy could help her directly. She was dead from the inside. All what remained was herself, but was she the cheerful, loving Roxy? No, she won't even think about anything other than to kill Maxy, and kidnap herself. As the sun began to shine through the light blue sky, the army will begin their approach to stop the threat... violently.

Diego Mustard
  • Diego Mustard

    Ultimate Criminal

  • Members
  • Joined: 29 Dec 2009
  • Japan

#9

Posted 19 August 2013 - 08:42 PM

I admit I left this story for a while :_( . But either way, this, and chapter 5 are sorta before the feedback given by members (most notably Mokrie Dela) was implemented, so you can put out another critique!

On second thought, get more of future Roxy.

==PROLOGUE==

What the?!! This woman still insists that she's no one other than myself?! I know she had my Maxy's necklace which he had gifted to me, and that she knew our full names. Heck, I think Maxy implied... wait, I'm confused. Did Maxy say she's me or not?!

Either way, Maxy's hurt from her evil dagger! Katie can't help him while she drives us to safety! Curse you, you evil woman! You must pay for the consequences later!

==CHAPTER 4: AN ARMY STRIKE==

Future Roxy, who was groaning over her failure of what she thought was the moment she had finally killed Maxy, almost started up her motorcycle engine, if it wasn't for her to notice a young girl running up the sloped street to Roxy's left, away from Roxy. She wore all white with black jeans.

"Hehe... that girl sure is mine! I need one last conversation in her entire life before her death... I meant...murder... with me!" Roxy said. She left her motorcycle, and followed the girl by walking fast behind her, until she was on the middle of a flat patch of street. Roxy was directly behind her when she kicked the girl in her back, causing her to drop face first on the ground. This made her realize that she was unable to move due to the incredible force of Roxy's kick.

"Who the heck are you? Leave me alone!"

Roxy held the girl by her right and rolled her over to the left so that her back lied on the ground. Roxy placed her foot strongly on the girl's stomach, which made her scream.

"Wow! You're too cute, darling..." Roxy said in sarcasm.

"Leave me alone, my mother is in danger!" the girl begged.

"No, you are the one in danger now! Darling, I wish you were my daughter... SO I CAN KILL YOU!" Roxy spoke out loudly.

"What?!! Kill me?!!!"

"Yes... I didn't kill anybody for a while, and you are just the one to kill..." Roxy said as she took out her dagger.

"You see, mom told us all not to talk to strangers, but I love to tell myself to kill strangers, and every single one of them! I'm a very bloodthirsty person, and I'm never happy unless I see all the blood you have flowing on the streets like rivers!"

"I did nothing wrong to you! Please, have some mercy and leave me!" The girl begged.

"Don't even try to drive me away... I have a bad reputation for even killing children younger than you, who did a lot better than you did to drive me away... Oh no, I'm going to die out soon if I don't have the fun and pleasure of seeing your blood fly out..."

"What's so important about killing me? We're all in danger!

"I'm a very evil and corrupt woman! I'll kill everybody no matter who stops me or what happens, I'd kill my husband and my children as well if I had them! My only hobby in this miserable life is to kill and murder everybody! Its my pleasure to see the blood flying out of you!"

"Why are you so...evil? You're the evilest person I've ever seen!"

"Because all of you humans deserve to have your blood to be free from your lying, deceiving nature! I'm killing you because of the sheer joy and pleasure of it! I'm no longer patient! I'll enjoy killing you and killing you even more after you're DEAD! So, my only last words to you: SO LONG, SWEET GIRL! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!" Roxy held her dagger up in the sky, and that made the girl scream. Just as Roxy was about to go down at high speed with her dagger on the girl's chest, the sound of a loudspeaker was suddenly heard.

"Leave that dagger and surrender! You're completely surrounded!" the unknown loudspeaker ordered.

Roxy raised her head from the poor little girl to see that the authority she had to go through was nothing but the army. Two army trucks that were holding loads of soldiers had unloaded them. One of the trucks had the soldier beside the driver holding the loudspeaker which surprised Roxy. All of them held their automatic rifles pointed at Roxy. Two teams of soldiers were present, one on the left and another on the right, each formed of 10 soldiers in a line form. The lines were inwards near the center, or when the soldiers from both teams were nearer, while the far soldiers were a little far outwards. The lines were straight.

"Thanks goodness I'm saved!" the girl said, which annoyed Roxy.

Roxy thought between killing the girl or escaping straight away. Because she wanted to have pleasure out of killing, as the sadist she had became had wanted to do, she also couldn't have pleasure with authority trying to kill her for justice.

"Ugh, very well you little brat! Next time I see you, I'm sure you won't escape me murdering you!" Roxy yelled in anger.

"Shut up and surrender or else we're going to MURDER YOU instead!" the loudspeaker ordered

Roxy was far more advanced than the army was. She fought armies more dangerous than the one she was about to fight, without a scratch. However, they were able to catch her off-gaurd, when and where she couldn't take her motorcycle with her. If the army showed up earlier or later, it would've been simple for her to escape than it happened to be.

"OK, I'm surrendering..." Roxy said in a low tune, still holding the dagger.

"Leave the girl!" the loudspeaker ordered. Roxy did leave the girl run away to where she was heading, something she hated very much. Then she raised her hands, her right hand reached to the left arm to fiddle with the watch on that arm.

"Put your weapons down first!" the loudspeaker ordered.

"Weapons? So long!" said Roxy, as she suddenly disappeared.

The army shot as she disappeared, but none of the bullets ever hit anything. Suddenly, Roxy reappeared behind a soldier on the right side team and that allowed her to stab him quickly, killing him, before she disappeared again to kill another. The army shot at the direction she appeared in, hitting nothing, and that's what Roxy used to her advantage.

"Troopers on the left side, look this way!" a soldier advised. Thanks to the soldier's advice, the army could see where Roxy was coming from. But there was a loophole because of the formation. The right side troops were facing towards their back away from the left side, and that didn't cover all the directions that Roxy could attack through. That allowed her to stab 3 at once from the left side, before teleporting again.

On the roof of a building near the massacre, the same two officers, none other than Ashley and Lashley, were watching and recording footage of her massacre. Lashley, using his touch smartphone, was recording 1080p HD footage of the massacre from an open circle in the roof edge's design.

"Ashley, we're not journalists to record the woman! Our job is to stop her actually!" Lashley protested.

"We cannot stop her, that's the problem. If we wish to stop her, the only way I find it fairly possible is if we knew her strategies and her weakness points. Recording this and relaying it to the authority will be enough for us to study her and understand her." Ashley explained.

"Then we should have been journalists even better! Right, Ashley? Right?!"

"Lashley, please stop reminding me of that dream I wanted to fulfil... I love my job as a police officer!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, my friend... I should've remembered that."

Both laughed for a second.

"There's no time to laugh. What she said to the girl is already dangerous and state-threatening, or lemme say, world-threatening." Ashley advised.

Its been a little while and the entire two teams have been killed, including the drivers. Usually a criminal who got past the S.W.A.T. couldn't even handle the mighty power of the army. Heck, a criminal won't be able to kill a soldier with a dagger, let alone kill 20 soldiers and the drivers. Roxy was laughing evily at her achievement.

"Hahahahahaha!! I killed armies worse than than you, dumbnuts! Where's my motorcycle they made me forget about it..."

She headed down the sloped road and found her motorcycle on the flat land. She rode it, with the engine already started, and sped off. Meanwhile, Ashley and Lashley were chatting about her.

"What?!! This woman is unstoppable! She killed everybody down there!" Lashley exclaimed.

"Its good that the innocent little girl didn't foresee the disaster. One thing is that these soldiers should be remembered for saving our children in time and bravely attempting to take the woman out no matter what. I feel sad for them." Ashley commented.

"Actually there's no time for memorials... Or laughs!" Lashley commented back.

"Whatever you say, we're glad we chose this building to watch over... and was her name Roxy?"

"Yes, I guess... But the little girl with that Maxy guy and Katie was also named Roxy..."

"Not to sound crazy, but is that woman actually the little girl Roxy but from the future? Oh never mind. Let's hurry to the next building! Larry! Start up the engine!"

There was a helicopter on the roof all the time that went unnoticed by everybody but the authority themselves. The officer who was flying it, Larry Barrington, started the engine, while Ashley and Lashley ran to it, and then they opened the doors to the inside, going in and then closing the doors. Soon, the helicopter was flying in the skies, heading to where future Roxy headed.

Meanwhile, in their car, Roxy was concerned about Maxy being hurt.

"I hate this woman! I wonder why she's so determined to take you out!" Roxy asked.

"Its a complicated issue, my dear." Maxy responded.

"So you do know why she's evil?"

"That's the problem I'm talking about. I must know her backstory so I can know why she's evil... But ugh, my arm hurts so much..."

"Maxy, I can cover your arms with my packed medicine, as long as you agree that you're putting us into more dangers. I'm goin' outta San Francisco so she loses us temporarily, and also so I can get to another apartment given to me by my parents." Katie said.

"If that's the case, then forget that I'm hurt. I won't risk our life so you can heal me, only for me to get killed afterwards." Maxy responded. "We mustn't halt our progress back home, where we can study our situation." he continued.

Meanwhile, Roxy was now speeding with her motorcycle away from the place where she fought the army. The sun had been brighter than before, a fresh morning was about to start...

"What day is it today, Katie?" Maxy asked.

"Its Monday" she responded.

Oh no. Future Roxy, too dangerous to be left in the wild, or even banished to the farthest of islands, had been roaming San Francisco at a Monday morning. Would people start work regardless of Roxy's evil presence or stay at home?

Unfortunately, that was something the governor of California forgot as he woke up from his bed by his wife, who was standing by his bed to wake him up.

"Wake up, dear." his wife said. "Its a Monday morning, your favorite day."

"Good morning, darling." the governor said. "It should be a good Monday my dar- wait a second! Oh no! Thousands are in danger now in San Francisco due to that woman!"

The governor left his bed and quickly went to his wardrobe room which was open. He closed the door behind him.

"Yes you're right! I forgot about that part too. You must inform the citizens not to roam San Francisco for their safety. Set a curfew on San Francisco straight away!"

He opened the wardrobe door and left the room, wearing his suit, but it seemed like he wore it in a rushed manner, as he was still setting it up outside.

"Either I warn them or I'll be responsible for many deaths, and as the governor of California I can't let our America down!"

Roxy found her way to the piers, one of the things San Francisco was famous for. Between large ships to small speedboats and sailboats, the waters were always welcome to any visitor at any time. She was driving now beside the green grass which seperated the waters from the street, on the right lane.

"The waters, the boats, the piers... These are three things I once loved, and it will be my pleasure to ruin the party later on." Roxy said.

There was something wrong about Roxy. She could be hating Maxy, yes, but she had been taking it as far as considering the world around her worthless. She wanted to ruin everything, not just Maxy. However it turned out that one of her ambitions was to kill Maxy, and she wanted to do that before making the world a worse place.

But her day had been ruined as well, as more of the army joined. Among all of the authority she fought, the army was the biggest nuisance out of them. Another truck with soldiers had been chasing her downhill, and to add to that factor, the soldiers were trying to shoot her.

"Surrender or else you're dead!" the loudspeaker ordered Roxy yet again.

Roxy found herself annoyed. Wherever she went, she had to face the different authorities of the states. "When will those fools stop chasing me? I'm unstoppable!!" Roxy thought to herself.

She didn't care though. If she did, then she'd be not evil at all, but she only cared for herself and wouldn't care for anybody else. This is what drove her to not stop the motorcycle and dodge the army's bullets. And every single bullet, missed. No matter how accurate or trained the soldiers were, they were unable to do a thing than continue shooting, in hopes that they hit the woman.

"Oh, bullets... heh. In my time, they shoot un-deflect-able lasers! But with bullets..." Roxy commented, as she reached out to the buttons above her touch screen, and then pressed the 2nd button to the right out of four buttons, and that activated a blue forcefield around her motorcycle.

A soldier stopped shooting once he saw the forcefield in amaze. Forcefields were science fiction technology, and not reality as he saw just now. But he noticed that the bullets weren't able to harm the force field, but they rather deflected away to other directions. In an instant he realized what this meant for everybody.

"Everybody stop shooting! Our bullets are deflecting off that thing!" the soldier informed his colleagues.

"Oh yes, its crystal clear now! That thing could harm anybody using us! Stop shooting!" another soldier informed.

All the stoldiers stopped the shooting after they knew why the forcefield was activated. One of them went to the window behind the driver's seat to talk to him.

"We're unable to do a thing! I guess the only way to stop her is to knock her off that motorcycle! Please crash into her!" the soldier requested.

"Roger that!" the driver accepted his request.

The truck sped up afterwards, getting to Roxy's left side near the piers and waters. Hopefully, there was a turn to the right that Roxy had to take if she wanted to continue, and because the truck was to her right, this meant the truck could finally put an end to her. It was a little far away.

"Ha! You thought you got me this time, you pathetic fools?!" Roxy yelled to them.

"Yes we got you! Now stop so we can put an end to you mercifully with justice!" the loudspeaker ordered.

"Scrap justice! Is that all what matters to you, dimwitted soldiers?!" Roxy yelled again.

The turn was finally a few meters away. She can't think of speeding through the truck, otherwise the truck would stop her motorcycle because of how heavy it is and how it is loaded with soldiers who can effectively hold her hands and legs, to justice. At the last moment though, she thought of a trick she could use to let them get away from her.

All what she had to do was to handbrake the motorcycle to do a 180 turn to the opposite lane, which was the left lane. When she pulled that off, the driver had been doing nothing but braking his bulky truck. The driver lost her. If he could catch up with her, then he could've turned his truck around to face the opposite direction in a matter of a few seconds. And that was what this truck wasn't really good at, turning to the opposite direction in an instant. These trucks were made for war situations in open areas, and not chasing criminals.

"They can be as aggressive as they want, but they'll never be as aggressive as me! Hahahaha!" Roxy exclaimed.

From a nearby building, Ashley and Lashley were once again watching and recording Roxy's movements.

"Forcefields." Lashley commented on Roxy's use of them. "She's so caring for her own safety, but she wants to get rid of others as well. The weird thing is, she wants to kill innocent people because we could be liars and deceivers. However it is obvious that she's the biggest one of them. She must be pure evil." Lashley continued.

"Did you take the footage either way?" Ashley asked.

"Yes, send it to the army and let them think quickly about her bullet reflecting forcefield." Lashley requested.

Meanwhile, at Katie's car, the radio was live. According to the radio, it was 7AM in the morning, the time when most people wake up for work. Katie had the channel tuned to a news radio station.

"Good morning America! Danger is lurking around San Francisco's streets! According to the governor of California, he issued out a curfew on San Francisco until one of the most recent issues, the mysterious motorcycle woman, who resulted in the deaths and injuries of many, is either arrested or killed by the army. While no actions will be taken against those who left their houses to work, it is recommended that you abide by the curfew so you won't be affected by the woman's danger! Stay tuned for more news!"

"I should stop listening to those depressing news..." Maxy said.

"This isn't depressing! While it is sort of a late move, its a good act from our governor! At least there will be less injuries and deaths with a curfew than not. Be happy!" Katie advised him.

"Oh you're right... I just... umm... the governor made a curfew on San Francisco because of her?! Just her?!!"

"Yes, Maxy, but that's better than no curfews at all."

"This woman really deserves the army!" Roxy interrupted, still not knowing that the woman she was blaming was indeed herself truly. She still thought that future Roxy just stole their identities and valuable items such as the necklace she still had on her neck.

"I don't think she does deserve the army..." Maxy opposed. "If that woman is from the future and hates me, then we can see what made her hate me in her past, and if we try to fix that, maybe her whole future would be a brighter one than the one I see."

He still wouldn't say that this woman was the young Roxy all along, which made him certain that at some point she developed her hatred towards him and effectively became an unlikable evil person. He didn't want to influence her by her future self.

Meanwhile, a few people were actually roaming the streets, maybe they missed the late curfew notice. But they were safe. Roxy's rush made her forget about the people who left their homes and that was because the army was pretty hot on her tail.

"Too bad I can't enjoy running over these very few human beings!!! I love drinking their deaths and the act of seeing their blood flow!" Roxy said.

An army helicopter appeared suddenly. It was tan, and it had two chain gun turrets. And the sound was so loud it caught Roxy's attention. Her motorcycle was loud enough, but the chopper was even louder.

"Ugh... here we go again..." Roxy said in disgust.

"You're gonna get taken down! Stop that motorcycle!" a loudspeaker from the chopper ordered.

"Ha! They'll never get me! I'm too unstoppable! Hahahahaha!" Roxy laughed.

Roxy turned inland away from the waters, and soon she was going to an intersection. What surprised her were two army trucks that appeared from her right through the intersection. Instead of going straight as she had planned, she went left because the trucks blocked her path to going straight. That time the bullets shot were of heavier nature than the ones before it, and these were able to get past the forcefield, and that was a sign that Lashley's footage had been viewed and studied quickly. But Roxy never failed at a chore such as evading danger. In fact, danger was nothing to her but a harmless chore. She just had to focus on it than focus on her favorite hobby, killing people.

But with two trucks, and her evasion from bullets from within her motorcycle in a city, where buildings were so countless, that was too much for her to handle. As another intersection came to her view, two more army trucks appeared from both sides of the intersection. She had to go straight where danger lied the most. She felt one bullet touching her hair before she went through the small gap the two trucks made when they were turning to go straight in front of her direction. Now four trucks stressing her instead of two.

"Hmm, I might've been scared by these amounts of soldiers and trucks... they might've almost killed me..." she commented. "But I am not as weak or as fearing as they are!" she continued.

Then when she saw an intersection coming, she pressed the last button on her right above her touch screen. The motorcycle released oil behind as Roxy was turning to the right so she can meet Maxy again through a left, and that release of oil made the trucks go very uncontrollable, to the point that they collided with each other very strongly, and then they went to a compelte halt. One of these trucks even got hit by a bullet from one of the soldiers due to that sudden slip up.

"I can outwit the army! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!" she laughed at their misfortune.

Near the site where the oil had been released, a middle-aged man had been watching that mess. He came up to one of the affected soldiers. Two of them were injured by the accident.

"I'm sorry sir but... was that the motorcycle woman you were chasing?" the man asked.

"Yes, fellow citizen. And thanks for your care. You should go back home before that woman could think of touching you like she did with us. There's a curfew set on the city." the soldier responded.

"A curfew? For just that woman?!"

"You got that right. Trust me, we couldn't take her down easily like the other master criminals. Get back home, she could run over you as we're speaking."

"Well then. Thanks for you help, sir!"

"No problem, it's my duty! Oh, and you're a witness as well, let people know what you saw, please!"

"Well then!" said the man as he ran inside a building. He took out his old cellphone from his pocket and called a short number.

Meanwhile, as Katie was still driving away, almost in the countryside south of San Francisco, the radio was still broadcasting the news.

"Well we just got news that the woman had just injured two soldiers who were chasing her along with their colleagues in a pack of four trucks. The woman injured them by releasing oil which made the trucks slide and hit each other violently, thus hurting the trucks and the two soldiers. Stay in your home and stay tuned!"

"Oh my gosh..." Katie said. "She only has a motorcycle yet she's able to release oil?"

"She's from the future, what do you expect?" Maxy pointed out.

"And she also made our house destroyed and red before it was back to normal again." young Roxy pointed out.

"It seems like she had teleported the two of you to the future and showed that dystopian future to you two, if the house looked like as Roxy described before it was back to normal." Katie suggested.

"Maybe this means... my house will be like that? Where will I be to leave it in that destroyed state?" Maxy questioned.

"I'm not sure, better be careful." Katie advised.

Meanwhile, Roxy was still going to her destination which was south of where she last met Maxy. The army made her mad due to her thoughts, that she was unstoppable. She had no army on her back for a minute or two. All it took her was to meet an intersection that had army tanks that time blocking the other three ways, two tanks for each path. And when she looked behind herself, she found two more speeding into the action to block her way out, that combined with the chopper that left her on purpose. She was in the middle of the intersection, soldiers had been pouring from all four directions and blocking her from escaping through any of these ways out. Not just that, but they were able to outwit her teleportation trick by having the soldiers who are blocking her way off also have their colleagues covering their back. In other words, Roxy was in a guaranteed loss situation.

"We've got ya now! Drop all your weapons and raise your hands in the air!" the chopper loudspeaker ordered.

Roxy then left her motorcycle, while she dropped her weapons, including the dagger, the double syringe bow and a pistol gun.

"There's still more! Untie that watch NOW!!" the loudspeaker ordered.

Roxy had been caught at last. She untied her watch and then dropped it on the ground before she raised her hands in the air. The soldiers were getting near her slowly until they saw her ready to be captured.

"You big criminal, you're under arrest!" said one of the soldiers bravely when his group held her forcefully by her arms.

"Ugh... I'm very sorry... I'll stop my crimes... just please don't kill me!" she begged suddenly, her tone also suddenly turned to reflect her apology.

"Tell that to the court, sudden changer of heart" one of the soldiers replied as he held her...

"Of course... I will tell that to the court and I hope they will make me have the change of heart..."

Suddenly, she reached with her left hand to a ring she had on her right hand index finger. And then, suddenly a big explosion took place. It took out the soldiers, burnt the tanks and made the chopper fall down to where it was above ground, resulting in another explosion. The explosion was so dense, to the point it took around a minute for the smoke to show more of the affected area. It took out the windows around it, the only two lamposts, and a mailbox... but then when everything became a little more visible, a blue floating forcefield which covered Roxy and her things was visible amidst the smoke.

"Hahahahahaha!!! I never ever get sorry for the most horrible of things I've done, you idiots! I never change my heart! Even worse, you believed my lie!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Roxy laughed maniacally.

It was clear as crystal, bright as the sun. The fact that no matter who was sent to take her to justice, she was able to do her worst whether on her victims or on the authority sent after her. The police were sent, and they were all down, in fact Ashley and Lashley, two police officers, were studying how to stop her rather than try to stop her themselves. The S.W.A.T. tried, and they failed. The army with their strategies that could take down entire armies, couldn't take out one person, or Roxy. She was too dangerous for the day's standards. She was way too evil. Why was she so strong, evil and feared is a mystery that might or might not be solved.

Diego Mustard
  • Diego Mustard

    Ultimate Criminal

  • Members
  • Joined: 29 Dec 2009
  • Japan

#10

Posted 20 August 2013 - 10:27 PM

==PROLOGUE==

Excellent work, Roxy. I can't believe that such an innocent, lovable and caring sister like you, can make a curfew on an entire city, let alone San Francisco. The police chased you down, and you proved how weak they are compared to you. It fired up till the S.W.A.T. went useless and our powerful army can't stop you either! Too bad that my sister will grow up to be like that, and grow up, and care for just her two goals, that she might even die for: killing me and kidnapping herself. A criminal would've taken less risks than you did.

Too bad I planned for a roadtrip with my sister only for it to get ruined, by my same sister who'd love a roadtrip. Sure, I met Katie again, one of my most ancient and best crushes, due to my evil sister, but do I have to make Katie's life miserable too?

==CHAPTER 5: MESSIN' IN THE COUNTRYSIDE==

Katie finally arrived at the countryside, where she had another safe place from Roxy. Not Roxy who was sitting in her car, but Roxy who was flaming down even the army, like a dragon, but more fiercer and eviler.

Eventually it was reported that people in the areas near San Francisco were also afraid to set their foot on the sidewalk, but not as many as those people who were living in San Francisco. The countryside was just less active than it usually was. The reason? Roxy. Yet again, not the one sitting on Maxy's lap, who sat on the seat beside Katie's driving seat, but the one who was speeding with her motorcycle to Maxy and her other self.

"I'm so sick", Maxy said.

"Don't worry bro! She won't reach you no matter what!" Roxy said.

"Maybe, but her dangerous effect on my country is so sickening and disturbing..."

"Maybe a drink would help you ease on yourself?" Katie suggested.

"Maybe... maybe..." Maxy responded.

Soon, Katie stopped at a soda vending machine in the countryside. She inserted in a banknote because it was operated by both banknotes and coins, and then she pressed out the button beside the Dr. Sepsi logo, and one of the cans were vended out. She did this procedure two more times, after that she returned to her car.

"Dr. Sespi, anybody?" said Katie as she handed out two cans to Maxy and Roxy. Maxy immediately opened his can and took a sip of the soda drink, followed by Roxy slowly opening it.

"Thanks, Katie!" Roxy thanked Katie.

"Ugh, that makes me feel better. Thanks", Maxy also thanked Katie.

"No problem!" Katie said as she smiled to the two siblings. Katie opened her can and took a sip before she drove off.

"Katie, since we're in the countryside, how far are we from your other apartment?" Maxy asked after he took another sip.

"I'm not really sure, but I feel that we should be there soon." Katie responded.

"Oh by the way, why do you lack GPS?" Maxy asked.

Katie giggled before she responded. "Ever heard that GPS dependence is a scary thing?"

"No?"

"One of the cartoons had a guy driving badly with his voice assisted... erm... GPS you call it, guys?" Roxy said.

"See, Max? Rox said the truth. Even in cartoons you can see that GPS can sometimes kill you, especially if the map the GPS device uses is outdated." Katie explained.

"So for example if the GPS device tells me that I'm driving on a street, I could be driving off road in reality?" Maxy asked.

"Yes, and even worse, its possible for GPS to place you on a railway, because it thinks its a street, due to the map being outdated. It could cost you your life, so its better for me to be safe than sorry." Katie continued.

"Oh Katie, I feel you. While technology is useful, it is also dangerous."

"Right, and more dangerous if you're not aware of the threats."

"Wait a second, does this mean that I have to say bye bye to my computer?" Roxy said in concern.

Both Maxy and Katie laughed. "I didn't buy it so we can say goodbye to it!" Maxy said as he smiled to Roxy.

"Or we'd be soooooo crazy!" Katie commented before the three laughed.

Meanwhile, back to where the evil Roxy was, she disabled her forcefield, standing amidst smoke and the remnants of a big explosion. She looked around her and found a jeweler store with the window broken due to the explosion and with the jewels barely shining like before, however what caught her attention wasn't the diamond nor the gold, but a half blackened computer monitor.

"Computers?! They still had computers?!" Roxy yelled, as she went straight to the monitor, holding it with her two hands like if its barely a kilogram to her, before she threw it on the ground, which broke the monitor, and then she found the computer case under the desk. She opened the computer case by kicking it repeatedly with her foot, and then she held the case and crashed it to the desk that held the monitor, and kept doing it many times. Eventually the hard disk was soon deemed unrecoverable due to the extreme damage done. Pieces of the computer's chips were scattered everywhere.

"I'm happier than ever when I destroy an entire computer! Hahahahahahahahaha!" Roxy laughed evilly, before she held the case and threw it one last time to the ground. The jewels never caught her attention nor interested her.

While she parked her car in a parking lot, finally, Katie took one last sip out of her can which held the black, fuzzy, cold and freshening soda, before she unlocked and opened her door.

"Welcome to my countryside apartment!" Katie said excitedly.

Ahead of her was a short white two storey building, surrounded by countryside trees. This building had two apartments per storey, both of them were accessible by two stairs leading to the two sides of the balcony of the first storey, and both were looking towards each other, and above that balcony directly in the middle were two more stairs facing away from each other, leading directly to the doors of both second storey apartments. The building had an extended part on both sides to hold the door and the entrance. The building was short but it was large enough

"Your apartment sure is large." Maxy commented.

"And there's a lot of trees, too!" Roxy pointed out.

"Ha ha, yeah, I know Roxy, come on!" Katie asked the siblings to come behind her.

"We sure are coming!" Maxy responded.

Katie ran to the right side stairs, and climbed to the second storey on the right side. She took her keychain out of her front pocket from the right side of her pants, and then she had been looking through every key she had to find the key to the apartment. Finally, Maxy and Roxy caught up with her on the stairs. She finally found her apartment key as soon as the siblings were directly right behind her.

"Oh, my friends, please take a look from this balcony!" Katie informed them.

"Oh my, its so wonderful!" Maxy exclaimed. The view was so wonderful, with the morning birds chirping on the trees which swayed from the wind pushing them. The land had lots of light grass green, only being interrupted by the asphalt of both the street and the parking lot, the lot and the building were parallel to the street, which was fairly calm, two cars passing occasionally every minute.

"Indeed its wonderful!" Roxy shared her opinion. By the time she said that, Katie opened her door.

"Come on, the apartment is open!" informed Katie as she entered, followed by Maxy and then Roxy.

"This is my apartment, friends! It might be a little dusty, but its still great!" Katie said as she locked the door after they entered. Unlike her apartment at San Francisco, it had no colors at all, just white, and it was a little dusty. It had the living room with a coach and chair and an old TV on a small black desk, with a cartridge based game console and a VHS device under the TV near the desk, plus around 6 cartridges. There were two windows, a light bulb embedded in the ceiling, the table, a vase with artificial flowers on a small table to the side of the couch, and it also had a candle, and there was a bicycle on one of the corners of the living room. The kitchen along with the dining table was the door beside the TV, and the bathroom was to the right of the living room. At the far left of the wall behind the TV was a door to the bedroom, which had another door to an elusive storage room.

"It must be so old..." Maxy commented.

"Yes, there's dust everywhere." Roxy commented as well.

"So do you have anything against it?" Katie asked.

"Negative. In fact, its a great blast to the past before technology went... too technological!" Maxy responded as he smiled.

"Plus you got these old games that you can't find commonly!" Roxy expressed her opinion.

"I'm glad that both of you are happy with it!" Katie expressed happily.

"We need a little rest from a long chase! Could we please sit down a lil' while before we go away from danger again?" Maxy asked.

"Sure! Why not?" Katie accepted.

"Wow Katie, you have the old Jumper Dot game!" Roxy exclaimed as she held a cartridge with the game's name featuring a guy jumping above dots. Both Maxy and Katie laughed.

"Roxy, we love you so much!" Katie expressed.

"And she's riiiiiiiiiiiiight!" Maxy exclaimed before the three laughed.

Meanwhile, evil Roxy was driving her motorcycle, barely near South San Francisco. Suddenly two army choppers appeared out of the sky's blue and then they shot bullets at her from the mounted chaingun on the left of both choppers.

"Oh no!!" yelled Roxy before she activated her forcefield which didn't stand against the heavier and larger chaingun bullets.

"Those fools have to be fooled..." Roxy said to herself as she was driving.

Meanwhile, young Roxy was playing the Jumper Dot game on Katie's Nineto 9800 on the old TV, said console had pixilated graphics instead of highly detailed polygons. Behind her were Maxy and Katie, the former sitting on the side of the couch nearer to the chair where the latter sat.

"So, my Max, you didn't tell me more about yourself..." Katie said.

"Oh yes, you're so right... you told me that you're so fond of lungs. Well, I'm fond of computer 3D graphics." Maxy told Katie about himself.

"Really?"

"I work for a movie making company which makes animated 3D movies and also helps with 3D effects in other non-animated movies."

"Really? Then why do I never see your name then?"

"We, people of the current generation, share one thing in common, and that thing is not caring about the credits!"

Katie laughed so loud "Yeah, you're right, Maxy! Haha!"

"This should prove that not giving any love to the credits could be a bad idea!"

"Yeah, now I realize how the things we skip could be really useful."

"Well, speaking of my job specifically, I do 3D environments and I do em' well. Nobody ever thought of my work badly."

"Nobody?"

"Exactly. Nobody. I'm talented and proud."

Katie giggled. "Well I'm still learning about how to be a great lungs doctor. I just need some finishing touches and I'll be ready... once I'm ready its time to have a lung patient!"

Maxy laughed so loud, before he spoke normally again. "Oh, I work at MountFort Productions. I'm involved in the background design of animated 3D films like Geek's Ambitions, An Odd Week, Spacefly and Broken House, there's a lot of names to say."

"Oh, I saw Broken House two weeks ago! That movie was excellent story wise and it was pleasing to see! Its good to hear that you were part of the production crew that made this movie so wonderful!"

"Oh thanks, ma'am. Every opinion matters!"

Meanwhile, evil Roxy was still evading the choppers. She went to an area where skyscrapers were the focus and the streets were even tighter. The pilots were smart enough to avoid them, while the gunners still had a tough time. But as Roxy drove madly, she knew that there was a way to stop these pilots from chasing her. She was driving and madly thinking. These choppers can't stop chasing her, she thought. She can wind between skyscrapers, do sharp turns, even stop her motorcycle, but the choppers were prepared to counter every move she liked to use. She ran out of ideas. Her strategies which she could recall at that moment were limited, not to mention her madness... Suddenly, after minutes of running away, the idea came to her evil mind: they can't chase her through an underground tunnel no matter what. But that angered her so much, because when she had been still running away, there was a tunnel to the left that she skipped. She thought to herself that she hated turning back.

Her DNA tracker showed that she wasn't very far, all she had to do was to evade those two choppers and then carry out her next attempt at murdering her brother.

"Katie, Maxy, can I go play on the grass outside with this bike?" young Roxy asked while pointing at the bicycle in the corner of the living room.

"Well, you can play." Maxy told her.

"But when I or Maxy tell you to go inside, you must be inside as soon as possible. We'll allow you to play in the calm before the storm, which we'll brace for." Katie continued.

"The woman will do anything to kill me. So be careful please and yell when she comes. We should call you back in before she even sees our apartment, though."

"Well then!" Roxy said in happiness. She went to the corner which had the bicycle and took it outside, slowly taking it down the stairs until she was on ground level. After that she rode it and used the pedal to move.

Katie and Maxy were watching her from one of the windows riding the bicycle... while Maxy had his two hands on the extended window frame, Katie had her left arm placed on the frame, with her hand holding her head from her left cheek.

"She seems to be a very innocent and good girl. I wonder what will turn her to that intolerable monster." Katie wondered.

"I'm too unhappy. If that woman was... just a criminal, I'd pass it off and not worry about it... but that fingerprint scanner can't be designed to lie. We never met her before and the scanner shows that both fingerprints are identical, and grants access to the system. Not only that, but she knows our complete names, and she even had that necklace I made for Roxy in her neck... She broke it ahead of my eyes. She will break it if we don't stop her from turning to a monster. We still don't know how though, its a nightmare for such a sweet girl to be like that!" Maxy concerned.

"Wait a second, you made me realize something. She could've just kidnapped Roxy in the future, made her spill everything she knew and had to the woman, and then forced her to register her fingerprints on the machine, thus effectively making us think that she is future Roxy... I'm now questioning the identity of the woman. A DNA check of both the woman's hair and Roxy's can fix it." Katie explained.

"Yeah! That's it! She could be tricking us so we care for somebody that doesn't deserve care. Whatever the case is, we must get that DNA sample." Maxy agreed.

"Oh, another thing. It might a good idea to use one of Roxy'a phobias against the woman. Do you know one?"

"Roxy fears swimming. No matter what I try to do, she fears swimming and won't swim at all due to that fear."

"Excellent. If a really tough woman like this one fears water, something she should be trained to overtake... and if that woman has the same DNA as Roxy's... then that woman... is your present sister but from the future, Roxy."

"I hope that this one more check can verify that what I was doing and what I'm doing now was nothing but a waste of my time and efforts, Roxy's time and efforts, and your time and efforts... Ugh... I hate this... not only did the woman make me miserable... but my problem made you miserable too."

"I feel you, Max, but let me admit that you're not making me miserable. I want to do more than just being a lungs doctor. I can and will help you. Remember, you helped me in the past many times." she said as she smiled.

"Yeah, I know. But you're helping me deal with a very violent and evil woman. She could kill the two of us for pleasure, if not kill the three of us. I only helped you... by stopping my friend from troubling you?"

"I don't care how dangerous your problem is compared to my past problems. All I needed was somebody to help me out, and you did it just the right way many many times. Lemme admit, something from my heart... I had and still have a crush on you."

"Guess what? I always wanted to say that to you too..."

"Very great. We have a crush on each other then!"

"But everybody has crushes you know..."

"Haha... actually... I don't have a crush on you."

"What?"

"I... love you..."

"I..."

Suddenly the sound of a boiling kettle was heard.

"Ugh here we go again. Kettles and noodles... they love making me busy!" Katie exclaimed.

"Nah, that's OK!" said Maxy before he went laughing.

Katie ran to the kitchen where she made her coffee and started preparing the noodles.

At that moment, Roxy left the other side of the tunnel she took a while ago and the one she thought of. A minute later the two choppers which were chasing Roxy went to the other side of the tunnel, expecting Roxy to appear. They were hovering over the spot for two minutes straight before the pilots gave up.

"Ugh, I'm gonna listen to the general's orders again..." said the pilot who was flying the chopper to the left.

They were late. Roxy was almost done with the skyscrapers, she was leaving San Francisco really fast to her destination in that countryside to the south. Pretty near, her tracker showed.

"Heh heh... Come on, Maxy! Come on to YOUR DEATH!!" yelled Roxy before she laughed maniacally.

"The question is, where are we going to scan their DNA?" asked an uncertain Maxy.

"Nah, it suddenly came to me. Another idea..." Katie pointed out.

"Another idea?"

"I just realized that DNA scanning costs a lot of money and is a really complex process. Remember that fingerprint verification machine on the woman's motorcycle?"

"Yeah?"

"In this house, my father left behind his still working fingerprint scanner that works with a piece of software on a computer. He was an experienced detective before he retired, and then he kept his investigational tools here because he loved the job so much."

"And nowadays more people are complaining that their jobs are really bad... I wonder what's the cause."

"Still, focus here. With my laptop, I can install the software and connect the scanner to one of my USB ports. We can then scan little Roxy's thumb and, after knocking the woman out unconscious, we can scan her thumb too. If the fingerprints matched with our freshly installed piece of software, there will be no denial that the woman is Roxy."

"Where is it?"

"Follow me, you will be one of the few who knows about what we had."

Katie walked to the bedroom, followed by Maxy. The bedroom also looked aged, with faint red light cast by the sun, with only a large bed for two, located in the middle touching a wall ahead of the door, a closet to the left of the bed and a window right beside the bed on the right, with part of the wall below the window extended out, which held a key and a vase, and finally a closed door on the right wall which was adjacent to the wall ahead of the bed. Katie walked around the bed to the right side to grab the key, and then went to open the locked door. The locked room was a great storage room, holding many things on the ground, including video game cartridges, two vacuum cleaners in their boxes, two more game systems, a water rings toy, an old looking computer monitor on a desk with a wooden chair to the right of the room with the computer case under the desk, computer programs boxed, and other programs in CD cases on a table to the left of the desk, detective tools on a shelf to the right of the room near the computer. Also there were bear plushies, a train toy with train tracks, a bunch of VHS tapes with a VHS player nearby, along with DVD film boxes.

"And this, my love, is the room of all my family's memories!" Katie said excitedly. Maxy looked around for 8 seconds in amazement.

"Katie, you're almost like me... loads of old memories still shinin' in my heart" Maxy said in joy.

"I'm glad you like it!" Katie said as she smiled to Maxy.

"Look at all these game carts! You stopped playing games I think."

"Nah, I did play games, but rarely. They're my brother's games, Kim."

"What's even better is that they're old... they feel so vintage... oh boy, that toy..." Maxy said as he went to the water rings toy.

"This one particular toy was forgotten by time... they're memories even to myself." he continued as he pressed on the left button two times until two rings were pushed by the water flow to the left column and one to the right column.

"Kids should get the chance to play these wonderful toys. I know smartphones, computers and video game consoles exist, but these toys are just as good as these inventions!" Katie expressed her opinion.

"Long before technology advanced that far, these toys were our answer to have fun and pass our time."

"Well, I wish we could play with these toys like children do right now, but we came here for a more important matter. We'll need to save memories for later. See that shelf over there?" Katie pointed to the shelf with the detective tools.

"Yeah... these stuff are detective tools. I only encountered them once in animation."

"Good." Katie said as she went to the shelf, and grabbed a device with a dangling USB cable from it. It was a box with glass on the top and a LED light on the right side.

"This is the biometric fingerprint scanner that will unlock the mystery." Katie then grabbed something from the same spot the device was sitting on. It was a CD box, titled "SmartyTechno Biometrics Software". It was colored black, and it had an image of a fingerprint as the "o" in "Biometrics".

"And this is what makes it do a flawless job!" Katie exclaimed.

"Excellent! All you have to do is to install the software and solve our enigma! We can then know if she's a too out of the ordinary woman... or Roxy herself with her unknown future!" said Maxy.

Meanwhile, evil Roxy finally made it to the countryside. Worst, she was standing with her motorcycle on a hill near Katie's house. She was able to see her younger self, if she were Roxy that is. Her younger self was running behind a rabbit she found, leaving the bicycle near the house.

"Come here come here little rabbit!" Roxy said.

"Ugh, silly me!" future Roxy said in anger. "But soon that Maxy of yours will be nothing but history! Hahahahaha!" she continued. Suddenly, she realized she could make Maxy history in another, sneakier passion.

"Wait a second, I don't have to kill you then kidnap myself... I can kidnap myself first then kill you!" exclaimed Roxy before she laughed even more maniacally. She went to her motorcycle and then she pushed her screen and fingerprint scanner to the right to uncover a pitch black, empty area, but its not actually empty. There were the sounds of sharp tools as she placed her hands inside it, and then she pulled out a sunglasses, then she wore it. Then she pulled out a black and big sticky tape, which she placed on the motorcycle's speedometer, and then she pulled out a pencil and paper. She began writing on the paper. Afterwards, she placed the pencil back, and then she took out a piece of glass with a sticky, red substance. She placed her left hand's index finger in the substance and then she took her finger out, and then she wrote on the back of the paper, afterwards she placed the glass back. Then she cut a portion of the black tape she left, and then she brought back the tape back to the dark storage area, and then she left her motorcycle with a piece of tape.

Young Roxy was sitting on the ground with the rabbit after they both stopped. Evil Roxy was slowly walking behind herself, holding the black tape portion she cut. The rabbit saw the hideous woman behind youngster Roxy and ran away.

"Hey! Come back here little rab-"

Suddenly the young and girly voice Roxy had turned to unheard screams for help, as evil Roxy stuck the black tape on the mouth of her younger self. Then future Roxy held present Roxy on her back, her face facing her back, and then the evil herself walked to the bicycle and left the paper she just wrote on near it, her present herself hitting her back with her hands like no tomorrow. She walked back to the motorcycle while laughing evilly.

"Yes! The software is installed!" Katie exclaimed in joy. Maxy and Katie were inside the storage room, Maxy standing behind of Katie who was sitting on the wooden chair and her laptop was on the desk, as they finally installed the software on her laptop.

"Roxy must test the program herself!" Maxy informed.

Maxy immediately rushed out of the room and out of the bedroom to the window where they saw Roxy playing.

"Roxy! Roxy?!" Maxy yelled, expecting an answer. He saw nothing but a bicycle on the green grass with a paper on the bicycle.

"Oh no!! Roxy!" Maxy expressed in fear as he ran to the apartment's door, Katie got worried and followed Maxy. He made it to the bicycle, no signs of Roxy. Only a paper gave clues. He picked it up as it was taped with that very same black tape to the pedal.

"Haha! That Roxy girl of yours is no longer yours! If you ever wish to see her again, find me at the abandoned amusement park in County Western! Sincerely, Roxy." Maxy read out what the paper had in black font, with a small heart drawn after her name.

He flipped the paper around, only to see more writing but in pure red, almost like the color of blood, instead of black, also the font was bigger and aligned in the center.

"I hate you so much!! I HATE YOU!" both of them read it out...

"Oh no... this just can't be... she came too quickly and kidnapped Roxy!" Maxy said while shaking in horror.

"Quickly, to my car! I know the place!" Katie informed Maxy, she was shivering more than Maxy did. They both ran to the car.

The two Roxys meanwhile were in a dark black room, with only a door, a window and a metal chair with a rope on the ground near it and a bulb light lighting up a small area. Future Roxy placed her younger self on the chair, who was still hitting her evil self's back, and then she was being tied to the chair, while evil Roxy remained gentle in tying her up. She didn't even tie her arms, just her body. Then she removed the tape from Roxy's mouth.

"Happy now?" the evil woman asked.

"Leave me alone, you evil monster!" Roxy yelled.

"Evil monster? How many times am I going to tell you that I'M YOURSELF?!!"

"You're not me, you're just another criminal!!" Roxy yelled in anger.

"And if I'm a killer criminal who kills just for pleasure, then I'd have killed you straight away! Did you notice that I kill everybody... EVERBODY! Except only you?!"

"You just want to lure Maxy and kill me after he's dead!"

"Oh, dear Roxy..." said the usually harsh sounding, evil Roxy, but in an unusual, feminine and soft tone, as she tried to pat her younger self from behind. She only managed to pat once before younger Roxy used her free arms and hands to keep older Roxy's hand off herself.

"Don't touch me, you're so icky! I'm gonna take a bath after I get free!" yelled young Roxy.

"I'm what? Ugh... you'll need a while before you get used to me... and realize that I'm properly clean!"

"No, you're not dirty or unclean; it is your mind that is dirty and unclean!"

"Heh, that dirty and unclean mind will be your mind... just wait... soon enough you'll see for yourself and you'll believe me!"

"What else have you got to say?" said young Roxy in anger.

"No matter what you do, both Maxy and Katie will be history! But I promise to you that no matter what I do, you WILL NEVER be history!"

"Why do you want to kill my brother?! Why are you obsessed with that feat? Why are you very evil?"

"These are the questions you should be asking! But first, take a can of 1-Down soda, I will bring it to you." still in her feminine voice, evil Roxy went outside the door but no further, as she opened a white refrigerator and brought the 1-Down can. She entered the room where her younger self was held up.

"Here it is!" said old Roxy as she gave her can to her younger self. Young Roxy opened it and took a sip.

"See? I am the only one whom you treat right!" exclaimed young Roxy.

"Indeed. You're the only one worth living for... because you're myself in the past... you need to get prepared for a harsher life, and you will have to be evil!"

Young Roxy suddenly felt easier towards the woman when only she was present than if she was beside Maxy, or Katie, or both. An evil monster of death to others and a gentle woman to only young herself. But she still had doubts. What if she wanted to kill her after she kills Maxy and Katie?

"Now listen up carefully. I will only give you a glimpse of your future, and I will say it once, not twice!" the evil woman said.

"What is it?" Roxy asked in concern...

"That Maxy you love so deeply..."

"What's with Maxy?"

Suddenly, the old and evil Roxy had a flashback. She was young when a man at the age of Maxy was looking at her and telling her something. Suddenly she was back to her senses to answer Roxy's question.

"Maxy... hates you."




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