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War & Ghosts

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Coat.
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#1

Posted 28 June 2013 - 12:08 PM

The days seem young
Yet frail they seem
Bearing the youth and wisdom
No one will deem
Only taking what they need

Oil is only seen as dollar signs
Their home is an open-cut mine
But it's only time before they die
And what they leave
They leave nothing
The rest left wondering why.

Only the lonely will know
What to foresee
For what will be
Nothing but ghosts
War & ghosts.

Mokrie Dela
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#2

Posted 30 June 2013 - 10:24 AM

QUOTE (Coat. @ Friday, Jun 28 2013, 12:08)
The days seem young
Yet frail they seem
Bearing the youth and wisdom
No one will deem
Only taking what they need

Oil is only seen as dollar signs
Their home is an open-cut mine
But it's only time before they die
And what they leave
They leave nothing
The rest left wondering why.

Only the lonely will know
What to foresee
For what will be
Nothing but ghosts
War & ghosts.

I'm not great at feedback on poems, but i LOVED the second stanza.

Two things stood out to me though: using "seems" twice in the first two lines, and "ghosts" twice in the last two. If i wrote this, I would be looking at them, looking to change one of the words.
The days are young,
yet frail they seem


For example. Or "feel" young.

The final two lines.... I'm not sure. I read it and didn't like the repetition, but then I read it again, and am thinking it might work after all - like reiterating a point, or like a pattern (if you've played Fallout, then the tag line: "War.... War never changes.")


Otherwise, short and snappy, but it feels disjointed to me. I can't see the connection between all three sections. Maybe others can, those better than I.

Coat.
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#3

Posted 01 July 2013 - 11:00 AM

QUOTE
The final two lines.... I'm not sure. I read it and didn't like the repetition, but then I read it again, and am thinking it might work after all - like reiterating a point, or like a pattern (if you've played Fallout, then the tag line: "War.... War never changes.")


That was the point I was trying to get through with the pattern repetition.

Ziggy455
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#4

Posted 01 July 2013 - 03:32 PM

QUOTE
Only the lonely will know
What to foresee
For what will be
Nothing but ghosts
War & ghosts.


I liked this stanza the most. The dull ending fits with the tone you're trying to give. A dying end and it suits its well because when we get to the final line, it becomes like a dying breath. All in all it's a very nice, small poem.




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