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No Memory Comes (Extension)

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MikeyBelic
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#1

Posted 23 June 2013 - 01:57 PM Edited by MikeyBelic, 23 June 2013 - 02:04 PM.

This is a modified extension to 'No Memory Comes' by Tim Winton in his novel "Minimum of Two', as you'd all know it probably wouldn't be wise that I post the original copy of the text here just to be on the safe side, plus I can't actually find it anywhere without purchasing it. I'm sure you'll find it with some hard googling or you could just purchase the novel for like $5 digitally anyway.

Anyway, to understand my response you really need to read the version done by Tim Winton, however it's up too you. I did this as part of my VCE course for Lit and it was marked alongside my exam (both together)

We had to stay within the boundaries of Winton's storytelling and try and write the response as if Tim Winton was writing it himself, yet doing it in our own unique way and staying within the rules of Winton at the same time.

To anyone who reads/has read the text I've modified the part where the boy slashes one of his arteries and dies due to the fatal cut and wrote a new ending. The beginning is where my version of the short story starts at. "What? the girl says." is in the original text and is where I begin my version.

The characters and background are the credit of Tim Winton.

I hope you guys enjoy!

Here's my modified creative response to the text;

-----

What? the girl says.

Chapter 8;

“Nothing” the boy replies, lying. The boy looks down as his jeans, seeing a clear slash embedded in his Levis, knowing there would at least be a scratch from the near fatal cut. The boy’s friend starts to get himself into a panic, only to be calmly reassured by the girl. The boy overhears the girl saying the ‘dickhead’ would be fine and she thought it’d be best they stay the night, just to shake the nerves and what not. The boy can hardly argue, he felt too dazed to even care anymore.

Chapter 9;

The boy’s friend and the girl go outside to talk in private. The boy makes his way back across the room, seeing the dust imprint upon where he fell over. The boy’s eyes catch the old beer can and blade. The boy thought the new appearance of the beer can looked a bit like shattered glass, just as shattered as the boy had been the day he found out his father left. Just as shattered as the glass mirror he’d put his fist through that day, jagged and cut like his knuckles had been, minus the warm red liquid. Old prick, he thought to himself. He was better off without the old git anyway. He has his friend to rely on, and the girl was an acceptable add on anyway, in fact he kind of enjoyed her laid back approach to things. The boy felt like he belonged tonight, a feeling he’d lost when his father left and his mother’s spirit left alongside him. The boy grunted, frustrated with his overworking mind, this is why he depended so much on his toxic liquids. Kicking off his shoes, the boy leaned his head against the cupboard door and closed his eyes, trying to close off the toxic thoughts in his mind.

Chapter 10;

He awoke to what sounded like a soft crunching noise next to him; dismissing it he didn’t even bother opening his eyes. That perfume, his mind clicked instantly to its familiar scent. Why was the girl next to him? Wishing to avoid even acknowledging her he pretended he was still asleep. He heard her laugh and knew his attempts were pointless. He asks: What would you like? She stares him down, looking as if she was about to give him a half smart response but dismissing it just as quick. You’ve had quite a night eh, she says. You take them as you get them I suppose, the boy replies, trying to dismiss the girl. I guess you’ve had a lot worse, she says, trying to sound as if she was sympathizing with the boy. The boy was lost between wanting to tell the girl where she could stick it or just letting his defences down and opening up to her. Yeah, he eventually blurts out. Anyway, I need to go piss, he says, scavenging for any excuse to get away from the girl, he couldn’t let his walls down to her.

Chapter 11;

The sound of a flushing toilet sounded like the rip top coming off a bottle of flat beer. God I hope she’s asleep now, the boy thought to himself. Her intentions seem to be good, but this was as awkward as it got for him. He had talked to the girl before; it’s just most times he didn’t remember it the next day. This was so different, the conversation that could take place would be deep and emotional, something the boy never thought he’d ever encounter with the girl, he and his friend had abandoned those talks after the accident his friend’s father had been in. It’ll be fine, the boys mind kept telling him, just go out there and do what you do, she’ll have left anyway, there’s nothing to worry about at all. Suddenly he felt that insecurity slice across his mind. What if she uses this against you, the boy instantly thought. Will she use this to try and separate him from his friend? The boy was shaking. He needed something to calm him down; he reached into a cupboard and began searching its contents. The boy disregarded the simplicities; he flung toothbrushes and what not aside until he came across what looked like a bottle of prescription drugs, covered in only a dark blue wrapping. There was nothing saying what these tablets were or if they were even prescribed to anyone in the first place, maybe they were just an old bottle of aspirins that had never be acknowledged before, the house was built before the second world war after all. He casually pocketed them; they could be used in the days to come after a big night. The boy felt calmer, he was himself, picking things apart and what not, there was nothing to worry about, after all the girl probably just wanted company. She wouldn’t have ever wanted to get to know me like that, she was nice and all, but she would never want to help me, would she? The boy laughed at his stupid thoughts. He continued rummaging through the drawers, finding some things he found rather peculiar, but nothing that could keep his attention for the rest of the night, feeling defeated he gave up on the cupboards and walked next to the thin walls separating him from the girl, the boy let out a fake cough and flushed the toilet again, hoping to fool the girl from his true deceiving behaviour. The boy looked at himself in the mirror, he looked exhausted. There was no happiness in his face, a bit strange considering the stereotypes for people who normally wear Hawaiian shirts. He grunted, knowing there was nothing he could do about it now. He broke his eyes from the mirror and headed back out to the girl.

Chapter 12;

The boys head began to ring, he’d never had felt like this before, his mouth locked up, unable to do anything but inhale freely against his will, waterfalls attempting to stream out through his tightly shut eyes, he could feel his nose running freely and understood none of it. The only thing that was familiar and comforting was the perfume that surrounded him. This is what unleashing locked up emotions were like, the boy guessed. He could hear the girl whispering in his ears that things would be okay, that they didn’t have to talk about any of it tonight, that they’d have an entire lifetime to break these things down. She promised him that the three of them were in this for each other and would always have each other’s backs. ‘Things will be fine’, she seemed to constantly say, in different words and what not but her message was clear. There was more, but he closed it off, his mind was now the only one talking to him. How did this happen? The boy found himself asking. The girl just walked over to him, looked him in the eyes, said something and broken down the walls of the boy. The boy felt a headache form inside his head, however he didn’t care for it, he was okay with this feeling, the embracement he was receiving from the girl. The boy started to feel the deadness lift of his shoulders just that little bit and worked up a little smile.

Chapter 13;

The girl and the boy’s friend boy looked upon the sleeping boy in the corner of the room. They felt relieved. They would slowly work things out, make things better for the boy and themselves, they felt satisfied with themselves, that was clear to the boys friend when he saw the beaming eyes of the girl as they laid a blanket on top of the boy. The boy looked more peaceful than he ever had before, the two thought to themselves separately before they walked off together, holding hands and feeling cheerful. The boy had felt like a weight had been lifted from him. He was peaceful. He had never felt like that before, he cherished that time he had spent with the girl, and eventually his friend. The boy was thankful that he had been granted that happy moment. None of this would seem obvious to anyone looking upon the boy. All they would see was half a smirk forever imprinted upon his face and his white left palm wrapped around the blue bottle, the cap unscrewed and sitting just millimetres away from the sleeping corpse.

No memory comes.

MikeyBelic
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#2

Posted 24 June 2013 - 12:00 PM

Praying it isn't that bad no ones willing to say so lol.

Mokrie Dela
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#3

Posted 25 June 2013 - 09:47 PM

QUOTE (MikeyBelic @ Monday, Jun 24 2013, 12:00)
Praying it isn't that bad no ones willing to say so lol.

Just a reply to say I haven't read the book, so I haven't read this because as your opening said, it's sighing boundaries that will be over my head
I might keep an eye out for it though and come back to this.
Hope someone else has read it and checks this out though as I am unable to offer feedback ATM

Drop a line in the social club; I'm sure ziggs might have read the book (someone's bound to have done)

MikeyBelic
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#4

Posted 26 June 2013 - 11:52 AM

QUOTE (Mokrie Dela @ Tuesday, Jun 25 2013, 21:47)
QUOTE (MikeyBelic @ Monday, Jun 24 2013, 12:00)
Praying it isn't that bad no ones willing to say so lol.

Just a reply to say I haven't read the book, so I haven't read this because as your opening said, it's sighing boundaries that will be over my head
I might keep an eye out for it though and come back to this.
Hope someone else has read it and checks this out though as I am unable to offer feedback ATM

Drop a line in the social club; I'm sure ziggs might have read the book (someone's bound to have done)

Thank you very much for spending some time to comment. I see, it's a good read I recommend you purchase it, it shouldn't be too much and Tim Winton is a classic Australian writer. I see, I hope this ziggs bloke drops in some time and reads it smile.gif

Mokrie Dela
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#5

Posted 27 June 2013 - 01:33 AM

As I said feel free to go into the writers' room
Introduce yourself, explain and discuss your work. Checkout out others' works too - for tips and by taking a genuine interest (as oppose to 'view 4 view') will get you interest

Mention it in there and I'm sure you'll get some reads. I had to reply because ink is its frustrating when no one does!

MikeyBelic
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#6

Posted 27 June 2013 - 11:30 AM

QUOTE (Mokrie Dela @ Thursday, Jun 27 2013, 01:33)
As I said feel free to go into the writers' room
Introduce yourself, explain and discuss your work. Checkout out others' works too - for tips and by taking a genuine interest (as oppose to 'view 4 view') will get you interest

Mention it in there and I'm sure you'll get some reads. I had to reply because ink is its frustrating when no one does!

Thank you so much my friend, I hope people will be able to read it and hopefully have read the short story that it's an extension for, I'd love feedback and to be able to post future work on these forums! smile.gif

Mokrie Dela
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#7

Posted 27 June 2013 - 12:34 PM

You can post future work anyway smile.gif Good to have a new writer here. I hope you enjoy your stay!

Coat.
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#8

Posted 28 June 2013 - 12:51 AM Edited by Coat., 28 June 2013 - 12:56 AM.

I was reading chapter 9 and noticed the words 'he' used in one big group - like this:

QUOTE
The boy’s friend and the girl go outside to talk in private. The boy makes his way back across the room, seeing the dust imprint upon where he fell over. The boy’s eyes catch the old beer can and blade.


Which could turn into:

QUOTE
The boy's friend and the girl go outside to talk in private. He makes his way across the room, seeing the dust imprint upon where he fell over which his eye catch the old beer can and blade.


The sentence can also be extended by using the words, 'which', 'thus', 'and so'. You can see I extended the sentence by inserting the word 'which'. You could also use the word, 'in which', but it doesn't really matter. I also pick up a lack of description. What does 'the boy's friend' look like? What does the girl look like an how does she present herself?

For example, it could change into:

QUOTE
The boy’s friend, who wore bright red jeans and a dirty polo shirt, and the girl, who dressed in all black and lacked interest go outside to talk in private. He makes his way back across the room, seeing the dust imprint upon where he fell over in which his eyes catch the old beer can, that is rusted and smells  of stale beer and a blade... that sits there innocently.


And also, why not merge some chapters into each other so the readers aren't left wondering why the chapters are so short.

I'd also like to say that chapter 11 could be broken up into a few paragraphs. Sometimes reading a big bulk of text is difficult to read. Overall, you do have potential to write good stuff. icon14.gif

MikeyBelic
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#9

Posted 28 June 2013 - 05:04 AM

QUOTE (Coat. @ Friday, Jun 28 2013, 00:51)
I was reading chapter 9 and noticed the words 'he' used in one big group - like this:

QUOTE
The boy’s friend and the girl go outside to talk in private. The boy makes his way back across the room, seeing the dust imprint upon where he fell over. The boy’s eyes catch the old beer can and blade.


Which could turn into:

QUOTE
The boy's friend and the girl go outside to talk in private. He makes his way across the room, seeing the dust imprint upon where he fell over which his eye catch the old beer can and blade.


The sentence can also be extended by using the words, 'which', 'thus', 'and so'. You can see I extended the sentence by inserting the word 'which'. You could also use the word, 'in which', but it doesn't really matter. I also pick up a lack of description. What does 'the boy's friend' look like? What does the girl look like an how does she present herself?

For example, it could change into:

QUOTE
The boy’s friend, who wore bright red jeans and a dirty polo shirt, and the girl, who dressed in all black and lacked interest go outside to talk in private. He makes his way back across the room, seeing the dust imprint upon where he fell over in which his eyes catch the old beer can, that is rusted and smells  of stale beer and a blade... that sits there innocently.


And also, why not merge some chapters into each other so the readers aren't left wondering why the chapters are so short.

I'd also like to say that chapter 11 could be broken up into a few paragraphs. Sometimes reading a big bulk of text is difficult to read. Overall, you do have potential to write good stuff. icon14.gif

Thanks for the advice!

Though one of the requirements we were given was to write in the style the author had, hence why I never described any of our main characters and refered to them as 'the boy', 'the boys friend' and 'the girl'.

I see what you mean by adding those words to extend the sentences, good tip!

I probably should've limited it to 12 chapters and merged the first choice. Haha yeah I wish it'd be a bit longer but they week we did the SACT was the week I was in hospital and I was trying to write a good story and hand it in after the deadline, ah well, my bad tounge.gif




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