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The Walker

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J. Walker
  • J. Walker

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#1

Posted 17 June 2013 - 08:34 PM Edited by J. Walker, 19 June 2013 - 07:58 PM.

"We can never be satisfied, even if we have everything we wanted. Why do I feel as if I'm always being targeted by my closest friends? Life is complicated that's for sure and we can do nothing but to live through it. Is this who I really am? Is this the person I've been wanting to be since I was a child? I myself am not even sure, but I'll tell you this... I will keep on walking forward."

- Giovanni "Johnnie Walker" Camminatore


The Walker


The story of the one known as Johnnie Walker, a humble man from Milan, Italy who lived a life of luxury but also helped the poor community of New York. Acknowledge his life of how he became the first ever drug lord in New York from the 1940's to 1970's, his rise, his downfall, his troubles, and betrayals. Born Giovanni Camminatore in Milan Italy in 1920, the youngest of five children. Was a star student in his high school and in college, he had a great future ahead of him. But when he was in need of money he turned into a small time criminal doing robberies, but he soon got into the drug distribution life which will change his life forever.

The Walker will keep on walking.

==============================================================================================
    Chapters
  • Prologue
  • Land of Opportunity

J. Walker
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#2

Posted 17 June 2013 - 08:37 PM Edited by J. Walker, 19 June 2013 - 05:31 AM.

Prologue: September 2, 1945 - Milan, Italy


Life in Italy was a rather terrible experience for the locals. The year was 1945 and Italy was still in WWII which has been nothing but destruction in the country. It wasn't easy to leave because the government wouldn't allow anybody to migrate in or out the country. But one man who was tired of all the corruption occurring around him in Milan decided he was going to leave this black hole one way or another. His name was Giovanni Camminatore.

Giovanni would watch television constantly in hopes of watching the "Come to America" commercials, it was his motivation. He was always planning a way to get to America without any trouble but at the time, it was very hard to do so. Giovanni watches the commercial and dreams about how his life would be in America, more preferably, New York. To him it was the best place to be in this world and everybody is a winner. Unlike people in Italy where people are abused by the regime of Mussolini and there was no hope for this war to end. People were getting desperate for the end of the war.
Giovanni turns on the radio for the latest news on the war and receives the best news after hearing these four words "The War is over." Everybody started celebrating and cheering "Liberty at last" which is what they wanted for the past six years. Giovanni right away thought, this could be his chance to finally leave the country and go to America to fulfill his dreams of being a lawyer.

He gathers some money around to buy a ticket at the station which is a twenty-five minute drive from his house. Little did he know, others were planning on leaving as well. There was a long line of at least fifty people and Giovanni was last in line, he had bad timing and he waited so long to get to the teller. Finally after an hour of waiting he reaches the teller but he couldn't purchase a ticket because they were all out, Giovanni sighs in frustration giving the annoyed look onto the tellers eyes and thinks it's the end of the world. Walking out the place with a tear forming upon his left eye, a tear of dissappointment, he looks around seeing people happy and excited for their trip to America. Faces smiling so wide you can see the detail on all of their teeth, grasping their tickets with a strength that not even a super man can break... something Giovanni did not have.

Giovanni looks down his empty hands grabbing only the air which will get him nowhere wishing for a miracle and right before him, a miracle just happened. He overheard a man happy over the local public phone, He announces that his wife is is now having a baby at the Ospedale Niguarda Cā Granda which was about thirty minutes from where we were at. He mentioned he had just purchased a ticket but seemed like he won't make the trip. A light bulb just turned on above Giovanni's head, he could buy the ticket from the man. Walking up towards him Giovanni is feeling chills down his spine as each step gets closer to him. Giovanni reaches the man who is still jumping in excitement, Giovanni pulls out a folded up stack of one Italian dollar bills and offers it to the man for the ticket.

They make the transaction and Giovanni finally had a ticket for the S.S. Miracolo, Miracle. Giovanni now holds an actual ticket in his hands and he grasps the ticket like everyone else did and feels an uncontrollable excitement within his mind and body. He runs home going full speed not thinking about stopping anytime soon. He he makes it to his home he tells his family the good news. The ship leaves in three days which is enough time to pack and say his goodbyes. Time for some crying and heartaches but he was ready for them.

After arriving to his home, the family starts celebrating Giovanni's leave and they wish him good luck with many love. Soon enough, everybody living on the same block started saying their goodbyes but even though he leaves in three days he know a lot can happen between now and then so he tried to stay cautious. It was only a matter of time that people tried to take away the ticket but Giovanni countered them and kept it safe after numerous attempts.
A man who was slightly older than Giovanni told him that America wasn't what he though it was, apparently he has been there before but Giovanni didn't believe him because it has been known that man was a bit mental. Nothing could ruin Giovanni's happiness at this point because he is finally going to the land of opportunity and be somebody with a great life and future.

Giovanni looks at the clock on the wall and realizes it's time to go to bed, even though he couldn't sleep because of the excitement, he knew he needed a lot of energy for the next day to get things ready. Night time in Giovanni's street is always so peaceful and the moon shines through his window aiming at the tickets placed next him. That little piece of paper is going to change his life.

AceRay
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#3

Posted 17 June 2013 - 10:41 PM

QUOTE
Giovanni Camminatore "Johnnie Walker"

If a character has a nickname and you write it out in full, its usually written with the nickname is written in the middle, like
QUOTE
Emmett "Doc" Brown
or
QUOTE
Tom "Maverick" Cruise
or something. so it would be
QUOTE
Giovanni "Johnnie Walker" Camminatore


Also it seems a little bit spoilery to write out the chapter titles already, could spoil something down the line, might want to hold them off till you post them.

I've been looking forward to this for a while so I'll wait for the actual prologue right now, nothing too bad from the looks of it.

J. Walker
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#4

Posted 18 June 2013 - 05:26 AM

QUOTE (AceRay @ Monday, Jun 17 2013, 22:41)
QUOTE
Giovanni Camminatore "Johnnie Walker"

If a character has a nickname and you write it out in full, its usually written with the nickname is written in the middle, like
QUOTE
Emmett "Doc" Brown
or
QUOTE
Tom "Maverick" Cruise
or something. so it would be
QUOTE
Giovanni "Johnnie Walker" Camminatore


Also it seems a little bit spoilery to write out the chapter titles already, could spoil something down the line, might want to hold them off till you post them.

I've been looking forward to this for a while so I'll wait for the actual prologue right now, nothing too bad from the looks of it.

Thank you for that Ace.

I have now posted the Prologue, I know it's short I do apologize but I think it's enough because it explains quite a bit about Giovanni's life in Italy.

I hope you enjoy the story.

-Walker

Mokrie Dela
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#5

Posted 18 June 2013 - 10:40 AM

A note on the nickname - Aceray's right, however you can format it your way if you wish

"Giovanni Camminatore - Johnny Walker"

I find the tense a little strange.

" Giovanni becomes frustrated " for example. It sounds too... matter of fact. What would be better is to show it. Have him sigh, and wonder if the line was getting longer. Have him count the people in front of him to make sure no ones pushed in. You say he's frustrated, but you dont need to say that word.




Essentially - to me - it feels too... report-like. He's in italy, so inject some of italy into it. Some of the language etc. I know (or i think i do) that this is just a short setup before the real story starts in america. But, does such a setup need to be there? Take GTA IV for example - the game starts with Niko arriving in Liberty City. I wonder if the same would work for you - have the story start as he arrives in America. Why? because he doesn't know america and america - like us - doesn't know him. There's no familiarity and you could reflect the readers' unfamiliarity in the story. As Giovanni meets america, we meet him.

Flashbacks would be helpful to show his italian life this way.

But, its your story, and the format is yours so don't let me dictate it.

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AceRay
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#6

Posted 18 June 2013 - 06:03 PM

QUOTE (Mokrie Dela @ Tuesday, Jun 18 2013, 23:40)
Essentially - to me - it feels too... report-like.

Pretty much my thoughts to be honest. Its very "Gio did this, then he did this and thought that" in its style with little flavour, that could have been improved. Have you ever heard of the phrase "show don't tell?" Instead of telling me Giovanni is frustrated, imply it through his language, so its something like "Giovanni gave a long sigh and started gave an incredibly annoyed stare at the ticket keeper." Some of the stuff just felt random like the birth and just thrown in there. Not bad but a little too bland.

J. Walker
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#7

Posted 19 June 2013 - 05:34 AM

Thank you for the feedback but I'll have to be honest, what you just read was actually the non-effective version which is not how I write. I wanted people to see the difference between that version and my actual writing.

I've now edited the Prologue and you'll now see a change. Hope you enjoy it.

J. Walker
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#8

Posted 19 June 2013 - 07:57 PM

Land of Opportunity: September 10, 1945 - Ellis Island, New York


Giovanni is now about a week into the trip and is getting real impatient. He is wanting to dock and step on American soil and begin his journey. The S.S. Miracolo was full of people who were down on their luck and did not have much education. unlike Giovanni, he was a graduate of Universitā degli Studi di Milano and studied Law. A very intelligent man Giovanni was. He sits down on a crate which as comfortable as a bed of rocks and glass to rest because he had been lifting a lot of these crates.

A man sits alongside Giovanni and asks for a cigarette, Giovanni gave him one out of his pack. The man seemed friendly because he tried to have a conversation with Giovanni. His voice was deep and he spoke a different dialect, he spoke Italian but it was different from Giovanni's accent. He introduced himself, his name was Sergio Raphael DiMatore born in Palermo, Sicilia. Sicilian's are different from Italian's, from the way they look to the way they speak. Sergio had black hair slicked back, he was tall about six foot three inches and was built. Giovanni was only five foot ten inches with black and brown hair and was a bit scrawny.

They were different but they became friends right away. They talked throughout the whole trip about anything that came into their minds. The Captain yelled out an announcement that got everybody on their feet to use their best vision to look up ahead "La signora americana č avanti"... "The American Lady is ahead" referencing the Statue of Liberty being up ahead.

The fog clears up a bit to show the beauty of the Statue of Liberty standing tall with the torch up in the air. Giovanni looks at the American Lady and tears up saying to himself "Mai visto niente di cosė bello." meaning he's never seen anything so beautiful. A beautiful sight resembling freedom and equality. "America, America, America" chanted the passengers.

The ship docks in Ellis Island and the passengers step out and feel the American ground. It was like a summer day surprisingly in September but the ground was warm like people were on a beach. The process to proceed to New York were tremendous because of the long line of people. Everybody had to go through inspections and that took about twenty minutes each person. Luckily for Giovanni, he was first in line then was Sergio and they got through everything right away. They received their papers stating their citizenship as American.

Giovanni was being called an American and is now welcome to the United States. Giovanni was speechless and couldn't believe it himself. Looking at the world famous Empire State Building he acknowledges, he is now in the Land of Opportunity.

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#9

Posted 27 June 2013 - 09:06 PM

Due to my busyness I'm going to be posting new parts of the story once a week.

Sorry for the inconvenience. I'm hoping all of you are enjoying the story so far.

-Walker

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#10

Posted 28 June 2013 - 12:27 AM

Essentially, the story is good. But like the others are noticing ; it seems like a report.

An example:
QUOTE
Giovanni is now about a week into the trip and is getting real impatient. He is wanting to dock and step on American soil and begin his journey.


If that is your style, then go with it. Overall, it is good. icon14.gif




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