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Swimming in what was.

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Lexty.
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#1

Posted 17 June 2013 - 06:16 AM

The waters seem crystal
Darker than anything I've seen
I splash about
Swimming between the reeves
And as I reminisce and paddle
I then realize what my life was
And what it is today
Thinking of those hard times
Those times of stress and disaster
All to be forgotten
Forgotten in the action of living
Keeping alive and swimming
Swimming in what is and what was.


Mokrie Dela
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#2

Posted 18 June 2013 - 01:17 PM

I like the flow of this. I read it like a rap, I that makes sense. I like the language but I got a bit confused

The waters seem crystal, darker than anything I've seen

An I wrong would crystal be bright? Or are you merely referring to the clearness?

Eminence
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#3

Posted 19 June 2013 - 04:31 AM

This has a really smooth flow, I think. You're definitely developing your sense of poetic rhythm; it feels spot on here. So in those terms, a great success!

That said, while I like the theme you're going for, it feels a little cliche... and at the same time, vague. It's a pretty universal theme (swimming/living/floating/drowning in the abyssal whirlpool that we call life) and as such I didn't really get the sense of anything unique or personal about this. In essence, it didn't feel true.

I do love that final line, though: 'swimming in what is and what was'. There's room to develop this, working on that sentiment - just feels like you need to focus on finding something unique to say (or a unique way to describe) this.

Regarding the crystal/darkness lines - I agree with Mokrie in that these seem counterintuitive. The metaphor gets muddled by it. As a piece of imagery, I don't really think it makes much sense!

Mokrie Dela
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    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
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#4

Posted 19 June 2013 - 08:52 PM

Holy crap I got something right!

I used to be so good at poems....

Or at least had the delusion of that!

Haha

Tyler
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#5

Posted 26 June 2013 - 09:49 PM

Really liking the poem, Coat. Em had it right with the rhythm of it. This reads real easy and while the theme is nothing on the edge of familiar, it's an enjoyable bit. I have a small issue with the beginning:

QUOTE
The waters seem crystal
Darker than anything I've seen


I know what you're going for by describing the water as crystal and also dark, in that it's dark but sharp, reflective or something. I still think you should have changed it around since the second line implies that the darkness is impenetrable like the water is polluted or too deep to see into, which if that's the case, the surface would most certainly not be crystal (clear). Good description on their own, but the combination feels wonky.

Otherwise, I liked the whole thing man. You should definitely keep at the poetry if you feel it, your rhythm is only getting better. smile.gif
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