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The Nightmare

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J. Walker
  • J. Walker

    Gold Cane Walker

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  • Joined: 20 May 2013

#1

Posted 06 June 2013 - 07:46 PM

The Nightmare


There I stand frozen in fear
Feeling confused dropping a tear
I feel him around me, he is here
I can't see him but he talks in my ear

"Can you feel fear when alone?"
"Nobody is around, you're on your own."
I try to move but I hear "Don't."
"Attempt and go to the unknown."

I must try something, I turned around
In my sight was a shadow standing tall on the ground
I avoid looking at it by looking down
But I still heard his creepy sound

In a terrifying voice he tells me "Open your eyes!"
I see that the figure is ten times my size
With a black mist surrounding me, I rise
He is grabs me with a dark force by surprise

I ask him "What is it you want?"
Instead of replying, he lights fire in his eyes as a taunt
I ask him again "What is it you want?"
He finally replies, "To haunt."

A releases a laughter of evil as he is squeezing the life out of me
He releases me, I am finally free
But why has he release me? He disappears into a black tree
Surprised of this unusual incident I look down and I see a key

Everything surrounding me disappears, I am now awake
Still in my tent, am I alone? Instead I was accompanied by a snake
I jump in panic and run out to the lake
I go back to the tent and here a voice calling me "Jake!"

My friends have found me in this hell
They asked if I was okay, it was too much to tell
We pack up and hit the road and I hear a bell
Behind I something that seems like it fell.

The key from the nightmare... is this not over?

-----------------

I just wrote this out of nowhere, I know I've made a few mistakes so if anybody can call out the mistakes, I would greatly appreciate it.

-Walker

Dr-Mayhem111
  • Dr-Mayhem111

    4th Generation Corsino Capo Crimini

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#2

Posted 30 August 2013 - 01:25 AM

I'm not on to do constructive criticism so all I want to say is this was a great read. I really enjoyed it.
And yes there were some errors but the other writers like Mokrie or Ziggy are way better than me at pointing things out.

ASIAN LAWYER
  • ASIAN LAWYER

    Trick

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#3

Posted 01 September 2013 - 04:49 AM

good flow throughout.

one thing:

QUOTE
A releases a laughter of evil as he is squeezing the life out of me


this sentence needs a bit of cleanup. not a fan of the use of "releases". i see no reason for something threatning to be holding back laughter.

try "he projects an evil laugh as he is squeezing the life out of me."

i don't know, maybe i've mis-interpreted what you were going for. it was a good read regardless.

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    Killed by drones.

  • The Yardies
  • Joined: 01 May 2009
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  • Most Talented Writer 2015
    Most Talented Writer 2014
    Most Talented Writer 2013
    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#4

Posted 02 September 2013 - 02:04 PM

QUOTE (Dr-Mayhem111 @ Friday, Aug 30 2013, 01:25)
I'm not on to do constructive criticism so all I want to say is this was a great read. I really enjoyed it.
And yes there were some errors but the other writers like Mokrie or Ziggy are way better than me at pointing things out.

I'm weak on poetry.

However, the rhyming structure was nice, but I can see the same problem I have - trying too much to rhyme.

""Can you feel fear when alone?"
"Nobody is around, you're on your own."
I try to move but I hear "Don't."
"Attempt and go to the unknown.""
Here for example, the first two lines say the same thing, and I was a little confused at the syntax or whatever:
Is it "Dont attempt to go to the unknown?" or "Dont. Attempt and go to the unknown."

I doubt I could do much better, and this is still good, so in terms of offering constructive criticism, i'm not the one for poetry. Typhus, Eminence, perhaps, they seem to have a good understanding on it




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