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The City Of Demons.

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IDredMan
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#1

Posted 17 May 2013 - 03:03 PM Edited by IDredMan, 4 weeks ago.

This dies with the memories of anyone who has seen this.


VProductions
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#2

Posted 17 May 2013 - 03:16 PM

This website is great for name generating (y)

http://random-name-g.../?n=10&g=1&st=2

IDredMan
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#3

Posted 17 May 2013 - 03:19 PM

Wes Peeler ...I actually like the sound of that.

IDredMan
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#4

Posted 17 May 2013 - 04:05 PM

Should I post a small bit? Would love to get some opinions.

TonyZimmzy
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#5

Posted 17 May 2013 - 04:56 PM

QUOTE (IDredMan @ Friday, May 17 2013, 16:05)
Should I post a small bit? Would love to get some opinions.

Why a small bit? Just post a chapter up or something...I don't even know what this is.

IDredMan
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#6

Posted 17 May 2013 - 05:07 PM Edited by IDredMan, 4 weeks ago.

I hate myself for ever making this.


IDredMan
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#7

Posted 17 May 2013 - 06:01 PM

Can I get some opinions here?

TonyZimmzy
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#8

Posted 17 May 2013 - 08:55 PM

QUOTE (IDredMan @ Friday, May 17 2013, 18:01)
Can I get some opinions here?

It's 95% dialogue. I can't picture anything that's going on. Might as well be a phone call, bro.

IDredMan
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#9

Posted 17 May 2013 - 09:09 PM

QUOTE (TonyZimmzy @ Friday, May 17 2013, 20:55)
QUOTE (IDredMan @ Friday, May 17 2013, 18:01)
Can I get some opinions here?

It's 95% dialogue. I can't picture anything that's going on. Might as well be a phone call, bro.

Well, you see the thing is...
I have no idea how to tell a story like that with less dialogue and more... Not dialogue.

AceRay
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#10

Posted 17 May 2013 - 09:16 PM

QUOTE (TonyZimmzy @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 09:55)
QUOTE (IDredMan @ Friday, May 17 2013, 18:01)
Can I get some opinions here?

It's 95% dialogue. I can't picture anything that's going on. Might as well be a phone call, bro.

Yeah, you really can't get anything descriptive with just that. I mean, which sounds better?

QUOTE
Noon had just struck at the Burger Shot, the hot summer air sizzling in the sun. A lean Sentinel XS pulled into the parking lot and hovered around. Jason glanced at his watch and the LCD readout read '12:34.' It was time. He wondered out the burger bar wearing just his white tank top and jeans, his muscles rippling through the shirt.

"Strange," Jason muttered as Frank stepped out of the black sports car, his eyes noticing the ceramic breaks and BBS custom fitted wheels. "Never thought an Italian would be at a place like this," the young man squinted harder as Frank slowly moved forward until they were just a few feet away, finally spitting on the floor in front of him. "Maybe an Italian restaurant or something."

They stared each other down in silence, waiting for one to make the first move.

"Racist" mumbled Frank through some coughs.

Or
QUOTE
Jason: “strange, never thought an Italian dude would be at a place like this, maybe an Italian restaurant or something.”
Frank: “...”
Jason: “Umm...”

I don't know who these people are or why I should care about them. You haven't given me any reasons to. That said, you seem to have passion and are willing to learn, eager for feedback, we can work with that. I was once like you, sort of, an anxious nobody trying to make a name for themselves. There is still hope for you yet. Try reposting the first chapter when its actually a story and we'll see where it goes.

IDredMan
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#11

Posted 17 May 2013 - 09:24 PM

To be honest I'm not really trying for a serious story. I'm aiming at a more light hearted story with lovable character interactions.
But I'll give it a shot, a couple of extra lines and the first 2 bits would actually sound like that, still lots dialogue tho.

AceRay
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#12

Posted 17 May 2013 - 09:31 PM

QUOTE (IDredMan @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 10:24)
To be honest I'm not really trying for a serious story. I'm aiming at a more light hearted story with lovable character interactions.

It doesn't matter if its supposed to be serious or light hearted, it still has to be a story and not read like a telephone call. You still have to set the scene and describe stuff while there's dialogue.

I'm not that good with scripts, so if you intend to leave in the script formula, then contact TonyZimmzy or ask in the Writer's Room. If not, then you can get rid of that and use paragraph breaks and speech marks, like a novel or something. Check TonyZimmzy's Heart City: Empires for example.

IDredMan
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#13

Posted 17 May 2013 - 09:40 PM

QUOTE (AceRay @ Friday, May 17 2013, 21:31)
QUOTE (IDredMan @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 10:24)
To be honest I'm not really trying for a serious story. I'm aiming at a more light hearted story with lovable character interactions.

It doesn't matter if its supposed to be serious or light hearted, it still has to be a story and not read like a telephone call. You still have to set the scene and describe stuff while there's dialogue.

I'm not that good with scripts, so if you intend to leave in the script formula, then contact TonyZimmzy or ask in the Writer's Room. If not, then you can get rid of that and use paragraph breaks and speech marks, like a novel or something. Check TonyZimmzy's Heart City: Empires for example.

Yeah... I guess I got too used to having the animator ask me if something's not clear.

IDredMan
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#14

Posted 18 May 2013 - 05:21 PM Edited by IDredMan, 4 weeks ago.

Rewrote a couple of lines in the first part.

 

Past-self sucked at writing. Not entirely sure about present-self.


IDredMan
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#15

Posted 18 May 2013 - 05:22 PM

Is that better?
As much as I want this to sound good, I don't wanna ditch the whole 'PERSON: LINE ' thing.
Also, for some reason ...Sounds like Max Payne.

Eminence
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#16

Posted 18 May 2013 - 05:34 PM

QUOTE (IDredMan @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 18:22)
Is that better?
As much as I want this to sound good, I don't wanna ditch the whole 'PERSON: LINE ' thing.
Also, for some reason ...Sounds like Max Payne.

How come you flip between the two, then? At times you're putting dialogue in normally, using quotation marks, then at others you put it in the PERSON: LINE format. Choose one and stick to it.

The description is much better, though. It's essential that you set the scene.

IDredMan
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#17

Posted 18 May 2013 - 05:43 PM

QUOTE (Eminence @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 17:34)
QUOTE (IDredMan @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 18:22)
Is that better?
As much as I want this to sound good, I don't wanna ditch the whole 'PERSON: LINE ' thing.
Also, for some reason ...Sounds like Max Payne.

How come you flip between the two, then? At times you're putting dialogue in normally, using quotation marks, then at others you put it in the PERSON: LINE format. Choose one and stick to it.

The description is much better, though. It's essential that you set the scene.

Well I'm still mostly using the 'PERSON: LINE' format but I just use the other format when it seems ...Natural.
I really hate it when something just goes:
LINE said PERSON.
LINE said PERSON.
And LINE, responded PERSON.

Eminence
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#18

Posted 18 May 2013 - 06:05 PM

That seems a bit of an arbitrary reason not to use the standard way of writing dialogue, doesn't it? I mean, what's the difference between that and

PERSON: Line
PERSON: Line
PERSON: Line

Which is literally what your original was -- without even having description to break it up?

IDredMan
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#19

Posted 18 May 2013 - 06:12 PM

I don't really want it to be the same all the way through.
LINE said PERSON would seem highly unnecessary at some points.
And PERSON: LINE would make them sound like lifeless robots.
If you notice, I used the PERSON:LINE when there are next to no expression in the lines.
I used the LINE said PERSON when he was going something while talking.
I'm satisfied with how I did this, even if it's inconsistent.

Eminence
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#20

Posted 18 May 2013 - 06:15 PM

Well, if that's how you like it. But I'm going to be blunt... good luck getting people to read your stuff, nevermind enjoy it, if you can't even be consistent in how you present your writing. If it jumps all over the place like that there's just no way to follow it.

IDredMan
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#21

Posted 18 May 2013 - 06:21 PM

So it's either too unnecessary, too lifeless or too inconsistent?
Eeesh.
Should have had mute characters.

Eminence
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#22

Posted 18 May 2013 - 06:30 PM

You're the one who called it unnecessary, haha! Quotation marks and dialogue attribution aren't unnecessary at all. I'm sorry that you disagree with centuries of the literary canon, I guess.

Thing is, just look at it this way: if you want to write prose, write prose. If you want to write a script, write a script. If you want to write prose where the dialogue is in script format, knock yourself out. But it's just a recipe for disaster if you try to mash them all together in an incoherent mess.

IDredMan
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#23

Posted 18 May 2013 - 06:35 PM

Okay ...Fine!
I'll do a re-re-write just for you.

Eminence
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#24

Posted 18 May 2013 - 06:40 PM

I think you're missing the point, mate.

IDredMan
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#25

Posted 18 May 2013 - 06:43 PM Edited by IDredMan, 4 weeks ago.



Better?

 

No. Not better.


IDredMan
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#26

Posted 18 May 2013 - 07:24 PM

So umm ...Since this is gonna be short, I'm gonna break it up into 3 chapters.
1st chapter will have 3 acts.
2nd will have ...But probably more than 3.
3rd chapters will have 2 acts.

Again, very short.
This isn't a book or anything.
This isn't even a professional piece of work.
I'm just doing this for the fun.

TonyZimmzy
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#27

Posted 18 May 2013 - 08:14 PM

QUOTE (IDredMan @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 18:35)
Okay ...Fine!
I'll do a re-re-write just for you.

Hmm...

Seems a bit of a rude way to take legitimate help from the forum's leader, who is a very experienced writer and knows what he's talking about...

And he is indeed correct -- there's nothing wrong with picking one or the other, but to blend the two is an eyesore. I personally like script-format if there's enough description going on. Getting much better with that last attempt, though. I'll keep reading along.

IDredMan
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#28

Posted 18 May 2013 - 10:23 PM

QUOTE (TonyZimmzy @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 20:14)
QUOTE (IDredMan @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 18:35)
Okay ...Fine!
I'll do a re-re-write just for you.

Hmm...

Seems a bit of a rude way to take legitimate help from the forum's leader, who is a very experienced writer and knows what he's talking about...

And he is indeed correct -- there's nothing wrong with picking one or the other, but to blend the two is an eyesore. I personally like script-format if there's enough description going on. Getting much better with that last attempt, though. I'll keep reading along.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's just that you guys seem to want this to be professional but I'm mostly doing it for fun, and this is also my first story that isn't in a script format.
I appreciate it, I really do, but you have to understand, I know you all have good intentions, but I guess it sorta got on my nerves.

TonyZimmzy
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#29

Posted 18 May 2013 - 10:44 PM

QUOTE (IDredMan @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 22:23)
QUOTE (TonyZimmzy @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 20:14)
QUOTE (IDredMan @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 18:35)
Okay ...Fine!
I'll do a re-re-write just for you.

Hmm...

Seems a bit of a rude way to take legitimate help from the forum's leader, who is a very experienced writer and knows what he's talking about...

And he is indeed correct -- there's nothing wrong with picking one or the other, but to blend the two is an eyesore. I personally like script-format if there's enough description going on. Getting much better with that last attempt, though. I'll keep reading along.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's just that you guys seem to want this to be professional but I'm mostly doing it for fun, and this is also my first story that isn't in a script format.
I appreciate it, I really do, but you have to understand, I know you all have good intentions, but I guess it sorta got on my nerves.

You asked for advice and feedback, so people gave it. People here don't post work on a professional level at all. I wrote numerous video game scripts for example. It's just that nobody's gonna read a story that's all messy and scattered all over the place - or originally stated, void of any description. As I said, this is shaping up much better now, and it's good to see you're improving very quickly.

AceRay
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#30

Posted 18 May 2013 - 10:51 PM

You're acting like a collage freshman who wandered into a complex string theory lecture. Calm down! Its not like that. Everything is going to fine, we're not professional writers here, we're just dudes who write stuff on a forum, like you, and we're here to give you advice and help with your writing, not to scathe you.




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