Quantcast

Jump to content

» «
Photo

The City Of Demons.

32 replies to this topic
IDredMan
  • IDredMan

    Dred

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 May 2013

#1

Posted 17 May 2013 - 03:03 PM Edited by IDredMan, 20 May 2013 - 11:01 PM.

Los Santos, The City Of Demons, the Grand Theft Auto equivalent of Los Angeles, The City Of Angels, once at the peak of advancement and success in the modern world, now filled with junkies and drug addicts, filled with crime and murder, crime that clearly outmatches the less than decent cops of the town, riddled with gangs and murdering maniacs.
The story speaks of 3 characters thrown up and down, betrayed by the city's corruption they trusted with their lives.



Characters:



Frank Diaz - 36 years old, white and buff, bald and clean shaven, rough childhood with a slight sense of humor and lots of connections.

Jason Floyd - 24 years old, white, slim, black haired and light bearded, Frank's partner and friend, likes to go by the book and would be the kind of guy that gets picked on.

Wes Peeler - 28 years old, black and slim, clean shaven and short haired. An old member of the Grove Street Families, his best friend is named Dan, he has many connections outside the Grove.



Chapter 1:

Act 1 - The job that makes you, or the job that breaks you.


Los Santos. Once the envy and the symbol of paradise for the Western world.
Now, full of miserable lowlives and rich men and women on the verge of going down the path of every washed up celebrity. All trying to stay alive in this age of economic instability, the rich and the poor, the healthy and the sick, no difference, all trying to stay on top.


Los Santos, 2013.
Huntit HQ parking lot.


We here see the almost empty parking lot of the ‘Repo-Company’ by the name of Huntit, at least, that’s what they tell the cops.
In the sunset’s orange light, we see in the parking lot some cars and a bike, we see a buff white man, bald and clean shaven wearing a black long-sleeve shirt,Frank Diaz. sitting in an all-black Saber GT, his hands on the wheel, his eyes barely open and his finger restless.

The moment is quickly interrupted by Frank looking to his right and mumbling ‘Finally!’.
A medium built white man approaches the car, black haired and light bearded, wearing a black trench coat and some jeans, Jason Floyd.
Frank lowers the windows as Jason slightly bows down, his elbows on the door, his head the same height as Frank’s.
“Good news Frank.” said Jason as he broke eye-contact with Frank ”We finally got a job.”
Jason had a quick response in the form of Frank’s bored face turning straight into a carnival of joy, topped off with him slipping “Finally!” into a laugh, followed by “We’ve been losing ‘em all to the big boys for months! This is your first job and you’ve been here for months.”

Jason slips his hand into the car and opens the door, getting in the car and saying “Not as exciting as I thought it would be.”.
Frank normally asks him what the job is.
“Some ol’ Italian Mafia grandfather dude.” said Jason as he put down the papers, “The sheet says he hangs around the Burger Shot downtown by 12 PM.”
“Aaaaaah the Mafia’s the best, you’ll have fun.” Frank said as he tried to start the car, the engine sounds like the 4th of July, but still works.
Frank and Jason drive off to where the hit is located.

And as they go after the hit that might just make a name for them, we here go to a less official part of Los Santos.


Act 2 - Deadly appetite.

Los Santos,
Grove Street.


2 tall black men can be seen walking down the street, one is clean shaven, short haired, wearing a white tank with some jeans, Wes Peeler.
Hanging out with his homie, Dan, wearing a green shirt and shorts, with a short beard and decently lengthed hair.

The 2 gangsters are having a normal conversation …
After a couple of words and some laughter, Wes suggests checking the block for some deals.
“Oh god damn ...” said Dan as he took 2 steps back, “Why do we have to do these again?”
“Why do I have to explain this to you every day?” said Wes, followed by “This isn’t some stupid story that started earlier and I have to explain everything because they don’t know.”
A long period of awkward silence and uninterrupted eye contact between the 2 commenced after he said that.
“Yeeeeaaaahh, I’m gonna go to the Burger Shot around the corner, get some breakfast.” said Dan breaking the awkward silence.

Barely seconds later, a whole bunch of cars drive in at a high speed.
The present members of the families there all turn to the cars, and before they know it. Tons of Ballas are coming out of the cars with every gun you can think of on the fly.
As expected, a large shootout takes place, all the families members take cover behind cars and fences and start shooting back.

A buff black man comes out of one of the cars, wearing a black vest and some purple jeans named Rick Bals grabs a megaphone.
“Members of the Grove Street Families, we are here to take what has been rightfully ours for years, thank you for your cooperation, now die.” he said with such great confidence with the megaphone.
Wes popped out and started shooting at him, Rick, quickly taking cover, avoided probable death.
Wes, stopping fire, “You ain’t Ballas authority Rick!” he said as he got back into cover.
The Families members and the Ballas members also hear some shooting a couple of blocks down the road, the decide to ignore it to focus on killing.
Rick, popping out to throw a grenade and yelling “Neither are you, bitch!”
Wes quickly runs from the grenade, towards where Rick is, he’s moving up around the shootout, a few more Families members do the same, more than half of the Ballas members there are now surrounded.
Wes pops up and starts shooting them in the back, seeing that, the other Families members did the same thing.
Wes keeps going up, Rick is in his line of sight, but he’s not in Rick’s.
He quickly runs up and kills the man standing to the left of Rick, by the time Rick turns to his left and sees Wes, the guy on his right already had a hole in his back caused by a shotgun and Wes’ AK pointed square in Rick’s face.
“Why are y’all even here?” said Wes while keeping his AK in Rick’s face.
“This ‘hood is ours whether y’all like it or not!” said Rick while smiling.
Wes, stretching his trigger finger, “You’re delusional” he said as his goodbye.

A few seconds later, exactly 5 cop cars arrive along with a helicopter.
Rick takes his chance and runs off.
“All of you, put your guns down and put your hands in the air!” the cop in the helicopter said through the megaphone.
All the shooting is currently stopped. Wes is in the middle of the helicopter’s spotlight.
Dan checks his watch, it says it’s 12:42 PM.
“Hey ...Dude, Get me my RPG.” Dan whispered to one of his homies.

The cops get out of their cars to make the arrests.
One of them calls in a police truck for transport.
Seconds later, a rocket is fired at the helicopter.
The pilot tries to fly away but the rocket still hit the blades, the chopper came crashing down, Wes of course took the chance to get out of there too.
By the time the chopper hit the ground, Dan had already fired another rocket at the cop cars, the impact and the chain reaction got 3 cop cars blown up.
Wes returned to Dan and the Families members were mostly shooting the cops.
Rick got in a car and ran the hell off, running over the few remaining cops.

“What the hell was that?” said Dan as he wiped the sweat off his forehead.
“I don’t even know man.” Wes said as he shook his head while looking down “I don’t think I’m even close to knowing.”
“I’m still hungry...” mumbled Dan.
Wes slid down from cover into a sitting position, resting on the car and putting his head back, “You have one hell of an appetite.” he said while almost laughing.


Act 3 - Joining the 7%.

Los Santos, Burger Shot.

As Frank and Jason park their car outside the place, Jason checks his watch, “It’s 12:34 PM” he says “We’re more than 30 minutes late”.
“The fatass is still in there though.” said Frank as he squinted to see him inside.
After a couple of minutes of sitting, “Never thought an Italian guy would be at a place like this?” said Jason to try to break the silence, “Maybe an Italian place or something ...Luigi’s.”
Frank, after hearing that kept staring at Jason for a couple of seconds, Frank made his move by slipping “Racist” into some coughs.
“Did you say something?” Jason said suspiciously.
“Nah ...I’m just having lung problems cause I’m a fat American and I only eat burgers.” said Frank while topping it off with a cheesy grin.
Jason mumbles a “Hnnng” while sticking his head out the window and starting to watch.

“He’s paying the check!” Jason said while quickly getting back in his seat.
Frank starts the car and Jason opens a small handbook and starts reading.
“Now, this is a mafia boss... So we sh-” Jason was quickly interrupted by the car’s hellish screeches, Frank has started driving at an incredibly high speed even before the boss got out. “Jesus!” yelled Jason when his brain processed what Frank was about to do.

He drove into the glass door, completely destroying it and slamming the clueless Mob boss, quickly killing him.
Frank backs the car up and parks it around the block.
He stops the car the car, gets out and opens the trunk.
“What the hell are you even doing man?” Jason said while undoing his seatbelt.
“This is where the fun starts” Frank said as he grabbed 2 Remingtons out of his trunk.
“Oh god ...I don’t even wanna kno-” Jason was interrupted again by Frank tossing him one of the Remingtons.
It bounced off his face and fell on the ground.
Frank stopped for a second to facepalm.
He took cover behind a wall and watched the confused mobsters look for the people that just killed their boss.
As Jason came, Frank started rushing in, he shot a couple of them on the way to a car, he rolled into it and took cover behind it. Frank started distracting them while Jason rushed to the same car, shooting another mobster along the way.

“How is this fun?” whispered Jason while the car they’re taking cover behind is getting shot up.
“How is this not fun?” responded Frank while pulling the pin on a grenade and slipping it to them from under the car.
“‘Nade!” yelled one of the mobsters. Frank, hearing that, tossed another grenade and ran off to the right.
“Where the hell are you even going Frank!?” said Jason while shaking.
Jason, thinking going wherever Frank is going is suicide, is thinking that his death is stupid.
“Welp, it’s been a fun life.” said Jason as he mustered some courage out of the car that just caught fire, about to blow up killing him anyway.
He stood up with his shotty and ran to the left of the car, by the time he got up he was already watching Frank run them all over.

Only one injured mobster was left alive, attempting to crawl away.
Jason shot him in the back and watched him die.
“Take that you ...Mobster you!” said Jason as his far-from charming one-liner.
“You really showed the Mafia who’s boss right there, bud.” said Frank with a smile on his face.
“Stop patronizing me.” said Jason as he started heading to the car.

On the drive back to HQ for their payoff, both are overflowing with joy, thinking of what will come after doing that important of a job.
Frank gives the car a pat, “You did well today Betsy.” he said.
“Betsy?” said Jason, not sure who Frank’s talking to.
“Betsy. The car.” said Frank without an expression on his face.
“Interesting.” mumbled Jason in a patronizing way.

Seconds later, a cop pulled them over.
“Now stay calm, if he asks, we’re repo-men, he’ll probably get it and leave us be.” said Frank to Jason, as it is his first time getting pulled over on the job.
The cop walks up to the window and slightly bows down to Frank’s level.
“Sir, there are a lot of witnesses saying your car has been seen fleeing the scene of a shootout about ...15 minutes ago.” said that cop, not sure what answer he’s gonna get.
“Umm ...Yeah sir, we barely made it outta there, those damn criminals almost killed us and a bunch of other innocent people, we’re repo-men by the way.” stuttered Jason.
“Yeeeaaah” said the cop “We’re gonna be taking your car in as evidence and we’re gonna be investigating with you 2, but first I’ll need to see your license.”
“Sure officer.” said Frank as he pulled it out of his wallet.
“I’ll be back in a second.” said the cop as he turned back to his car.

Frank reached out the window and shot the officer with a shotgun in his back.
He then hit the gas and drove outta there like he was a nascar driver.

After a minute or 2 of driving...
“Wait ...Did you just forget your license back there?” said Jason nervously.
Frank, wide eyed, stopped the car as fast as he could and turned the hell around to get back and get it.
By the time he arrived, they were already investigating the body and the evidence.
Frank took the next turn and started heading back to HQ, see what the chief has to say.


Los Santos, Huntit HQ.
The Chief’s office.


“You’re both fired” said the chief after hearing them out completely.
“Fired? What, why?” said Frank slightly louder than average.
“You 2 didn’t even need to tell me anything, you’re both all over the news.” said the chief while grabbing the remote.
“Take a look at the news.” said the chief as he turns the TV on.
“Wanna extend the size of your dick!?” yelled the commercial, or atleast it’s what it did before he turned the TV off.
The chief, sorta embarrassed, look at ‘em both and started yelling the headlines...
“2 maniacs murder 9 people, a police officer, and destroy a Cluckin’ Bell!”.
“Okay, it wasn’t a Cluckin’ Bell it was a Burger Shot, also it was just the door!” said Frank to the chief in a surprised manner.
“You murdered way more people than you were supposed to! AND A f*ckING POLICE OFFICER!” yelled the chief, “This company has very good relations with the LSPD and we can’t afford you having all that ruined and us shut down!”
“But si-” Jason tried to say, but was quickly interrupted by Frank clapping.
“Okay ...You listen here you bitch, you’re gonna give us our jobs back you miserable piece of sh*t!” he yelled.
“What is this? Are you threatening me? You just f*cked yourselves over! Even if the LSPD don’t get you, there are gonna be prices on your heads!” yelled the chief laughing.

Frank then pulled out an UZI and shot him, a lot.
Then shot out the windows and jumped out along with Jason.
His office wasn’t that high up, they were fine but hurt.
While walking away, they heard a loud scream.
“Run!” yelled Frank and a constipated duck-like voice.
They made it to their car and drove out of there, not exactly sure where they’re going, but they know there’s not many safe places left for them.




As I said already, some names will probably change for the better.

VProductions
  • VProductions

    Mack Pimp

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 28 Oct 2012

#2

Posted 17 May 2013 - 03:16 PM

This website is great for name generating (y)

http://random-name-g.../?n=10&g=1&st=2

IDredMan
  • IDredMan

    Dred

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 May 2013

#3

Posted 17 May 2013 - 03:19 PM

Wes Peeler ...I actually like the sound of that.

IDredMan
  • IDredMan

    Dred

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 May 2013

#4

Posted 17 May 2013 - 04:05 PM

Should I post a small bit? Would love to get some opinions.

TonyZimmzy
  • TonyZimmzy

    The Bearded Child

  • Members
  • Joined: 20 Dec 2005

#5

Posted 17 May 2013 - 04:56 PM

QUOTE (IDredMan @ Friday, May 17 2013, 16:05)
Should I post a small bit? Would love to get some opinions.

Why a small bit? Just post a chapter up or something...I don't even know what this is.

IDredMan
  • IDredMan

    Dred

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 May 2013

#6

Posted 17 May 2013 - 05:07 PM

Alright ...Here we go.
Please tell me if you spot any grammatical/spelling mistakes.

Burger Shot, 12:34 PM (8 minutes before -NO SPOHLURS 4 U-)

Jason: “strange, never thought an Italian dude would be at a place like this, maybe an Italian restaurant or something.”
Frank: “...”
Jason: “Umm...”
Frank: “*Cough*Racist*cough*”
Jason: “Did you say something?”
Frank(smiling): “Oh nothing, I’m just a fat american that has heart and lung problems from too many burgers.”
Jason: “Cut the sh*t, I think he’s coming.”
Frank: “About time, he’s been there for an hour... Fatass.”
Jason: “Now, the client wants him dead.”
Frank: “Good, wasn’t gonna ask anyway.”
Jason opens a hand book.
Jason: “Now this is a mafia boss, so we should play it safe.”
The car starts moving, but Jason doesn’t notice.
Jason: “Now, the handbook says we shou-”
Jason is interrupted by frank running the guy over.
Jason: “That works too, I guess.”
Frank parks the car and gets out.
Jason: “What are you even doing dude?”
Frank: “Having fun, come on.”
By the time Jason gets out of the car, the mobsters that were with the guy start shooting at them.
Frank and Jason are taking cover behind a poor asshole’s car, it’s definitely getting shot up.
Jason: “This is having fun to you?”
Frank: “Watch and learn kid, watch and learn.”

Both Frank and Jason are holding Remingtons, the mobsters have AK’s.
Frank throw a grenade at them, and then another, they spread out.
Frank runs off to the right.
Jason: “Where the hell are you going man?”
Jason is left alone, taking cover behind a shot-up car.
Jason: “Well ...It’s been a fun life.”
The car’s engine catches fire, meaning it’s about to blow up.
Jason stands up and moves away from the car to shoot at them.
But the second jason gets up, he sees Frank running all the mobsters over, killing them all with one clean sweep.
One is still alive, but is lying on the ground.
Jason shoots him.
Jason: “Take that you ...Mobster you.”
Frank: “You definitely taught the mafia a lesson there, buddy.”
Jason: “Stop patronized me.”
Frank: “Yeeeeah ...We better be getting outta here.”

Frank and jason rush to their car and drive it the hell outta there like like hell’s crumbling behind them.
frank: “We got another job done Betsy.”
jason: “Who?”
Frank: “Betsy ...The car.”
Jason: “Interesting.”
After a couple of minutes of driving, a cop pulls them over.
Frank: “Act natural, if he asks, we’re repo-men, he’ll probably get it and leave us.”
Cop: “Hey umm ...Some witnesses say your car has been seen ‘flying the hell away!’ from a shootout that happened at a nearby burger shot.”
Frank: “Umm ...Yeah officer, we barely made it outta there, those damn criminals.”
Cop: “You mind if I see your license?”
Frank: “No officer, here.”
Frank gives him his license.
The cop takes a couple of steps back to his car, then Frank reaches out and shoots him in the back, killing him.
Frank drives off very fast.
Jason: “Hey umm ...Did you just forget your license back there?”
Frank hits the brakes like everyone’s life depends on it and turns the hell around.
By the time he gets there, he sees the cops investigating the crime scene.
They take a turn right before that, the cops didn’t see them.
jason: “oh sh*t oh sh*t oh sh*t ...They know it’s us.”
Frank: “Let’s just get back to HQ and we’ll figure this out.”

IDredMan
  • IDredMan

    Dred

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 May 2013

#7

Posted 17 May 2013 - 06:01 PM

Can I get some opinions here?

TonyZimmzy
  • TonyZimmzy

    The Bearded Child

  • Members
  • Joined: 20 Dec 2005

#8

Posted 17 May 2013 - 08:55 PM

QUOTE (IDredMan @ Friday, May 17 2013, 18:01)
Can I get some opinions here?

It's 95% dialogue. I can't picture anything that's going on. Might as well be a phone call, bro.

IDredMan
  • IDredMan

    Dred

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 May 2013

#9

Posted 17 May 2013 - 09:09 PM

QUOTE (TonyZimmzy @ Friday, May 17 2013, 20:55)
QUOTE (IDredMan @ Friday, May 17 2013, 18:01)
Can I get some opinions here?

It's 95% dialogue. I can't picture anything that's going on. Might as well be a phone call, bro.

Well, you see the thing is...
I have no idea how to tell a story like that with less dialogue and more... Not dialogue.

AceRay
  • AceRay

    In my restless dreams, I see that town...

  • Members
  • Joined: 05 Oct 2010

#10

Posted 17 May 2013 - 09:16 PM

QUOTE (TonyZimmzy @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 09:55)
QUOTE (IDredMan @ Friday, May 17 2013, 18:01)
Can I get some opinions here?

It's 95% dialogue. I can't picture anything that's going on. Might as well be a phone call, bro.

Yeah, you really can't get anything descriptive with just that. I mean, which sounds better?

QUOTE
Noon had just struck at the Burger Shot, the hot summer air sizzling in the sun. A lean Sentinel XS pulled into the parking lot and hovered around. Jason glanced at his watch and the LCD readout read '12:34.' It was time. He wondered out the burger bar wearing just his white tank top and jeans, his muscles rippling through the shirt.

"Strange," Jason muttered as Frank stepped out of the black sports car, his eyes noticing the ceramic breaks and BBS custom fitted wheels. "Never thought an Italian would be at a place like this," the young man squinted harder as Frank slowly moved forward until they were just a few feet away, finally spitting on the floor in front of him. "Maybe an Italian restaurant or something."

They stared each other down in silence, waiting for one to make the first move.

"Racist" mumbled Frank through some coughs.

Or
QUOTE
Jason: “strange, never thought an Italian dude would be at a place like this, maybe an Italian restaurant or something.”
Frank: “...”
Jason: “Umm...”

I don't know who these people are or why I should care about them. You haven't given me any reasons to. That said, you seem to have passion and are willing to learn, eager for feedback, we can work with that. I was once like you, sort of, an anxious nobody trying to make a name for themselves. There is still hope for you yet. Try reposting the first chapter when its actually a story and we'll see where it goes.

IDredMan
  • IDredMan

    Dred

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 May 2013

#11

Posted 17 May 2013 - 09:24 PM

To be honest I'm not really trying for a serious story. I'm aiming at a more light hearted story with lovable character interactions.
But I'll give it a shot, a couple of extra lines and the first 2 bits would actually sound like that, still lots dialogue tho.

AceRay
  • AceRay

    In my restless dreams, I see that town...

  • Members
  • Joined: 05 Oct 2010

#12

Posted 17 May 2013 - 09:31 PM

QUOTE (IDredMan @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 10:24)
To be honest I'm not really trying for a serious story. I'm aiming at a more light hearted story with lovable character interactions.

It doesn't matter if its supposed to be serious or light hearted, it still has to be a story and not read like a telephone call. You still have to set the scene and describe stuff while there's dialogue.

I'm not that good with scripts, so if you intend to leave in the script formula, then contact TonyZimmzy or ask in the Writer's Room. If not, then you can get rid of that and use paragraph breaks and speech marks, like a novel or something. Check TonyZimmzy's Heart City: Empires for example.

IDredMan
  • IDredMan

    Dred

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 May 2013

#13

Posted 17 May 2013 - 09:40 PM

QUOTE (AceRay @ Friday, May 17 2013, 21:31)
QUOTE (IDredMan @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 10:24)
To be honest I'm not really trying for a serious story. I'm aiming at a more light hearted story with lovable character interactions.

It doesn't matter if its supposed to be serious or light hearted, it still has to be a story and not read like a telephone call. You still have to set the scene and describe stuff while there's dialogue.

I'm not that good with scripts, so if you intend to leave in the script formula, then contact TonyZimmzy or ask in the Writer's Room. If not, then you can get rid of that and use paragraph breaks and speech marks, like a novel or something. Check TonyZimmzy's Heart City: Empires for example.

Yeah... I guess I got too used to having the animator ask me if something's not clear.

IDredMan
  • IDredMan

    Dred

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 May 2013

#14

Posted 18 May 2013 - 05:21 PM

Rewrote a couple of lines in the first part.

Here we go:

Los Santos. Once the envy and the symbol of paradise for the Western world.
Now, full of miserable lowlives and rich men and women on the verge of going down the path of every washed up celebrity. All trying to stay alive in this age of economic instability, the rich and the poor, the healthy and the sick, no difference, all trying to stay on top.


Los Santos, 2013.
Huntit HQ parking lot.


We here see the almost empty parking lot of the ‘Repo-Company’ by the name of Huntit, at least, that’s what they tell the cops.
In the sunset’s orange light, we see in the parking lot some cars and a bike, we see a buff white man, bald and clean shaven wearing a black long-sleeve shirt,Frank Diaz. sitting in an all-black Saber GT, his hands on the wheel, his eyes barely open and his finger restless.

The moment is quickly interrupted by Frank looking to his right and mumbling ‘Finally!’.
A medium built white man approaches the car, black haired and light bearded, wearing a black trench coat and some jeans, Jason Floyd.
Frank lowers the windows as Jason slightly bows down, his elbows on the door, his head the same height as Frank’s.
Jason: “Good news Frank, we finally got a job.”
Jason had a quick response in the form of Frank’s bored face turning straight into a carnival of joy, topped off with him slipping “Finally!” into a laugh.
Frank: “We’ve been losing ‘em all to the big boys for months! This is your first job and you’ve been here for months.”

Jason slips his hand into the car and opens the door, getting in the car and saying “Not as exciting as I thought it would be.”.
Frank normally asks him what the job is.
Jason: “Some ol’ Italian Mafia grandfather dude.”
“Aaaaaah the Mafia’s the best, you’ll have fun.” Frank said as he tried to start the car, the engine sounds like the 4th of July, but still works.
Frank and Jason drive off to where the hit is located.

And as they go after the hit that might just make a name for them, we here go to a less official part of Los Santos.

IDredMan
  • IDredMan

    Dred

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 May 2013

#15

Posted 18 May 2013 - 05:22 PM

Is that better?
As much as I want this to sound good, I don't wanna ditch the whole 'PERSON: LINE ' thing.
Also, for some reason ...Sounds like Max Payne.

Eminence
  • Eminence

  • Leone Family Mafia
  • Joined: 18 Nov 2006

#16

Posted 18 May 2013 - 05:34 PM

QUOTE (IDredMan @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 18:22)
Is that better?
As much as I want this to sound good, I don't wanna ditch the whole 'PERSON: LINE ' thing.
Also, for some reason ...Sounds like Max Payne.

How come you flip between the two, then? At times you're putting dialogue in normally, using quotation marks, then at others you put it in the PERSON: LINE format. Choose one and stick to it.

The description is much better, though. It's essential that you set the scene.

IDredMan
  • IDredMan

    Dred

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 May 2013

#17

Posted 18 May 2013 - 05:43 PM

QUOTE (Eminence @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 17:34)
QUOTE (IDredMan @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 18:22)
Is that better?
As much as I want this to sound good, I don't wanna ditch the whole 'PERSON: LINE ' thing.
Also, for some reason ...Sounds like Max Payne.

How come you flip between the two, then? At times you're putting dialogue in normally, using quotation marks, then at others you put it in the PERSON: LINE format. Choose one and stick to it.

The description is much better, though. It's essential that you set the scene.

Well I'm still mostly using the 'PERSON: LINE' format but I just use the other format when it seems ...Natural.
I really hate it when something just goes:
LINE said PERSON.
LINE said PERSON.
And LINE, responded PERSON.

Eminence
  • Eminence

  • Leone Family Mafia
  • Joined: 18 Nov 2006

#18

Posted 18 May 2013 - 06:05 PM

That seems a bit of an arbitrary reason not to use the standard way of writing dialogue, doesn't it? I mean, what's the difference between that and

PERSON: Line
PERSON: Line
PERSON: Line

Which is literally what your original was -- without even having description to break it up?

IDredMan
  • IDredMan

    Dred

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 May 2013

#19

Posted 18 May 2013 - 06:12 PM

I don't really want it to be the same all the way through.
LINE said PERSON would seem highly unnecessary at some points.
And PERSON: LINE would make them sound like lifeless robots.
If you notice, I used the PERSON:LINE when there are next to no expression in the lines.
I used the LINE said PERSON when he was going something while talking.
I'm satisfied with how I did this, even if it's inconsistent.

Eminence
  • Eminence

  • Leone Family Mafia
  • Joined: 18 Nov 2006

#20

Posted 18 May 2013 - 06:15 PM

Well, if that's how you like it. But I'm going to be blunt... good luck getting people to read your stuff, nevermind enjoy it, if you can't even be consistent in how you present your writing. If it jumps all over the place like that there's just no way to follow it.

IDredMan
  • IDredMan

    Dred

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 May 2013

#21

Posted 18 May 2013 - 06:21 PM

So it's either too unnecessary, too lifeless or too inconsistent?
Eeesh.
Should have had mute characters.

Eminence
  • Eminence

  • Leone Family Mafia
  • Joined: 18 Nov 2006

#22

Posted 18 May 2013 - 06:30 PM

You're the one who called it unnecessary, haha! Quotation marks and dialogue attribution aren't unnecessary at all. I'm sorry that you disagree with centuries of the literary canon, I guess.

Thing is, just look at it this way: if you want to write prose, write prose. If you want to write a script, write a script. If you want to write prose where the dialogue is in script format, knock yourself out. But it's just a recipe for disaster if you try to mash them all together in an incoherent mess.

IDredMan
  • IDredMan

    Dred

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 May 2013

#23

Posted 18 May 2013 - 06:35 PM

Okay ...Fine!
I'll do a re-re-write just for you.

Eminence
  • Eminence

  • Leone Family Mafia
  • Joined: 18 Nov 2006

#24

Posted 18 May 2013 - 06:40 PM

I think you're missing the point, mate.

IDredMan
  • IDredMan

    Dred

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 May 2013

#25

Posted 18 May 2013 - 06:43 PM

Los Santos. Once the envy and the symbol of paradise for the Western world.
Now, full of miserable lowlives and rich men and women on the verge of going down the path of every washed up celebrity. All trying to stay alive in this age of economic instability, the rich and the poor, the healthy and the sick, no difference, all trying to stay on top.


Los Santos, 2013.
Huntit HQ parking lot.


We here see the almost empty parking lot of the ‘Repo-Company’ by the name of Huntit, at least, that’s what they tell the cops.
In the sunset’s orange light, we see in the parking lot some cars and a bike, we see a buff white man, bald and clean shaven wearing a black long-sleeve shirt,Frank Diaz. sitting in an all-black Saber GT, his hands on the wheel, his eyes barely open and his finger restless.

The moment is quickly interrupted by Frank looking to his right and mumbling ‘Finally!’.
A medium built white man approaches the car, black haired and light bearded, wearing a black trench coat and some jeans, Jason Floyd.
Frank lowers the windows as Jason slightly bows down, his elbows on the door, his head the same height as Frank’s.
“Good news Frank.” said Jason as he broke eye-contact with Frank ”We finally got a job.”
Jason had a quick response in the form of Frank’s bored face turning straight into a carnival of joy, topped off with him slipping “Finally!” into a laugh, followed by “We’ve been losing ‘em all to the big boys for months! This is your first job and you’ve been here for months.”

Jason slips his hand into the car and opens the door, getting in the car and saying “Not as exciting as I thought it would be.”.
Frank normally asks him what the job is.
“Some ol’ Italian Mafia grandfather dude.” said Jason as he put down the papers, “The sheet says he hangs around the Burger Shot downtown by 12 PM.”
“Aaaaaah the Mafia’s the best, you’ll have fun.” Frank said as he tried to start the car, the engine sounds like the 4th of July, but still works.
Frank and Jason drive off to where the hit is located.

And as they go after the hit that might just make a name for them, we here go to a less official part of Los Santos.





Better?

IDredMan
  • IDredMan

    Dred

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 May 2013

#26

Posted 18 May 2013 - 07:24 PM

So umm ...Since this is gonna be short, I'm gonna break it up into 3 chapters.
1st chapter will have 3 acts.
2nd will have ...But probably more than 3.
3rd chapters will have 2 acts.

Again, very short.
This isn't a book or anything.
This isn't even a professional piece of work.
I'm just doing this for the fun.

TonyZimmzy
  • TonyZimmzy

    The Bearded Child

  • Members
  • Joined: 20 Dec 2005

#27

Posted 18 May 2013 - 08:14 PM

QUOTE (IDredMan @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 18:35)
Okay ...Fine!
I'll do a re-re-write just for you.

Hmm...

Seems a bit of a rude way to take legitimate help from the forum's leader, who is a very experienced writer and knows what he's talking about...

And he is indeed correct -- there's nothing wrong with picking one or the other, but to blend the two is an eyesore. I personally like script-format if there's enough description going on. Getting much better with that last attempt, though. I'll keep reading along.

IDredMan
  • IDredMan

    Dred

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 May 2013

#28

Posted 18 May 2013 - 10:23 PM

QUOTE (TonyZimmzy @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 20:14)
QUOTE (IDredMan @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 18:35)
Okay ...Fine!
I'll do a re-re-write just for you.

Hmm...

Seems a bit of a rude way to take legitimate help from the forum's leader, who is a very experienced writer and knows what he's talking about...

And he is indeed correct -- there's nothing wrong with picking one or the other, but to blend the two is an eyesore. I personally like script-format if there's enough description going on. Getting much better with that last attempt, though. I'll keep reading along.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's just that you guys seem to want this to be professional but I'm mostly doing it for fun, and this is also my first story that isn't in a script format.
I appreciate it, I really do, but you have to understand, I know you all have good intentions, but I guess it sorta got on my nerves.

TonyZimmzy
  • TonyZimmzy

    The Bearded Child

  • Members
  • Joined: 20 Dec 2005

#29

Posted 18 May 2013 - 10:44 PM

QUOTE (IDredMan @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 22:23)
QUOTE (TonyZimmzy @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 20:14)
QUOTE (IDredMan @ Saturday, May 18 2013, 18:35)
Okay ...Fine!
I'll do a re-re-write just for you.

Hmm...

Seems a bit of a rude way to take legitimate help from the forum's leader, who is a very experienced writer and knows what he's talking about...

And he is indeed correct -- there's nothing wrong with picking one or the other, but to blend the two is an eyesore. I personally like script-format if there's enough description going on. Getting much better with that last attempt, though. I'll keep reading along.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's just that you guys seem to want this to be professional but I'm mostly doing it for fun, and this is also my first story that isn't in a script format.
I appreciate it, I really do, but you have to understand, I know you all have good intentions, but I guess it sorta got on my nerves.

You asked for advice and feedback, so people gave it. People here don't post work on a professional level at all. I wrote numerous video game scripts for example. It's just that nobody's gonna read a story that's all messy and scattered all over the place - or originally stated, void of any description. As I said, this is shaping up much better now, and it's good to see you're improving very quickly.

AceRay
  • AceRay

    In my restless dreams, I see that town...

  • Members
  • Joined: 05 Oct 2010

#30

Posted 18 May 2013 - 10:51 PM

You're acting like a collage freshman who wandered into a complex string theory lecture. Calm down! Its not like that. Everything is going to fine, we're not professional writers here, we're just dudes who write stuff on a forum, like you, and we're here to give you advice and help with your writing, not to scathe you.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users