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Persephone

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Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

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#1

Posted 26 April 2013 - 10:47 PM

A dark storm is rising,
The fury of a silent but angry god.
A storm that carries no thunder,
Itís devastation, it gives no warning of.

Eyes are dulled and saddened,
Smiles muted by the hand of fate,
Every touch is greeted by numb skin,
But for hope, it might just be too late.

I am lost, at the mercy of luck.
A flip of a coin, the roll of a dice.
I can only watch, like Iím stuck.
Only chance has the power to decide.

Time stands ahead of me,
Like an unlit desert highway.
Where it leads, I cannot see,
But there simply is no other way.

Push the hands of the clock forward,
Jump ahead a month, a year.
Either a new dawn will be waiting,
Or another night I fear.

She is an empty shell,
A shadow of her former self.
Standing at the gates of hell,
I pray for her health.

I can not lose her.

Coat.
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#2

Posted 27 April 2013 - 12:17 AM

This is good. That's all I can say.

Eminence
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#3

Posted 27 April 2013 - 11:15 AM

There are some very interesting images here, but for the most part this strikes me as you trying a little too hard to sound 'poetic'. Some of the rhymes are incredibly forced, and give way to some really clunky expressions that may seem like they work well as part of this poetic register, when in actual fact they just sound quite archaic.

As well as this, there's no real unity behind the poem's message, so it comes off as a bit of a vague 'open to any interpretation' piece. There are three themes at play (two of which are pretty contradictory) yet none are really elaborated upon: fate, chance and time. Obviously they all link in under the overarching notion of mortality, but again, it felt a little threadbare.

I'd suggest, instead of trying to fit into some predetermined mould of what you think poetry should be - what it should look, sound and feel like - you should experiment with your poetry a little more. Narrow down your theme, disregard structure, and just allow your own voice to speak. And that almost certainly means this: don't worry about rhyming.

Hecate
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#4

Posted 27 April 2013 - 01:31 PM Edited by Tyler, 27 April 2013 - 01:41 PM.

Agreed with Em, for the most part. Nice imagery - loved the numb skin bit - but overall, the poem feels disjointed or just confused. If I had any advice to give on it, I'd say rely less on the rhyme scheme of the poem and expand the diction a fair amount more. Rhythm doesn't necessitate rhyme and if you have a poem with solid a solid theme and imagery, then that will outshine the wittiest uses of a rhyme out there.

As for the theme itself, I'm a bit confused: the last line seems to completely betray the ideas fatalism that you have in the rest of the poem. Is this on purpose? If so, I don't think it works. You say you are powerless to stop 'it' and that you're at the mercy of fate or luck or chance, but then you suddenly resolve to fight against something with no foreshadowing to it, or reason that you, as a character, would. I love the human spirit but I also love a little bit of context. Also, the beginning of the poem where there is talk of a rising storm kind of betrays the narrative as well. Sure, things are metaphorically rising and it is about to suck, but then you disregard that rising in the 13th stanza when you talk about all of time itself being ahead of you. That clarity is antithetical to the idea of a dark storm and fate f*cking with us, isn't it?


QUOTE
But for hope, it might just be too late.

QUOTE
I can only watch, like Iím stuck.

QUOTE
Where it leads, I cannot see,

QUOTE
Or another night I fear.


Be more assertive. Poetry is brief and vivid. Often it is a condensed idea told in a concept rather than directly This requires very active narration and solid structure. It might be too late for hope? Or was hope a nonentity to begin with? Like you're stuck? You're either stuck or you aren't, and from that answer you could go many ways about describing the situation in front of you. To give that line away as, "like" is to make you too passive about your situation, and that gives the impression that the struggle isn't as dire as you present it to be. You cannot see where it leads? Well what can you see? Can you see the inevitable failure or the embers of hope? Something to force you to give up, or something to make you persevere through the images you talked about earlier in the poem?

You see where I'm going with this: the ideas you're messing with are heavy things, and treating them with likes and maybes only serves to make the entire poem less engaging. I'm not saying you need to be ripping apart the absurdity of existence in every stanza, but more feeling and less drifting will help your poem flourish. To add to that, try to focus on a narrower theme like Em said. Chance, luck, fate and hope are all things that people have struggled with their entire lives. Condensing all of it into a single poem while still accurately conveying your perspective and engaging the reader would be something magnificent, but that kind of majesty takes a long time of practicing to execute in a way that does the topic justice.

You've got a really nice foundation here and I enjoyed your poem, Mokrie. I hope to see more stuff from you in the future. smile.gif


EDIT: jesus christ I'm thick, I didn't even read the topic title. Nice reference, though my above post still stands.

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

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  • Most Talented Writer 2013
    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#5

Posted 27 April 2013 - 04:27 PM

Thanks for the solid advice guys. I rarely write poetry these days so I expected such replies. Thing is I struggle to take these words and improve with them, probably because of how infrequently I write poetry

I only seem to write when I'm down and I can't go into details as to WHY but this poem is about something troubling. A lot of u certainty ATM and in the end it could be fine or could be really bad. I'm worried and a little numb, I'm a pessimist but trying to be hopeful all of which I think you guys have understood, even if the vehicle is clumsy.

I may hve another crack at this and see. The concept of not rhyming is alien to me (it started with songwriting), so it feels very strange to do that
smile.gif




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