Agreed with Em, for the most part. Nice imagery - loved the numb skin bit - but overall, the poem feels disjointed or just confused. If I had any advice to give on it, I'd say rely less on the rhyme scheme of the poem and expand the diction a fair amount more. Rhythm doesn't necessitate rhyme and if you have a poem with solid a solid theme and imagery, then that will outshine the wittiest uses of a rhyme out there.
As for the theme itself, I'm a bit confused: the last line seems to completely betray the ideas fatalism that you have in the rest of the poem. Is this on purpose? If so, I don't think it works. You say you are powerless to stop 'it' and that you're at the mercy of fate or luck or chance, but then you suddenly resolve to fight against something with no foreshadowing to it, or reason that you
, as a character, would. I love the human spirit but I also love a little bit of context. Also, the beginning of the poem where there is talk of a rising storm kind of betrays the narrative as well. Sure, things are metaphorically rising and it is about to suck, but then you disregard that rising in the 13th stanza when you talk about all of time itself being ahead of you. That clarity is antithetical to the idea of a dark storm and fate f*cking with us, isn't it?
|But for hope, it might just be too late.|
|I can only watch, like Iím stuck.|
|Where it leads, I cannot see,|
Be more assertive
|Or another night I fear.|
. Poetry is brief and vivid. Often it is a condensed idea told in a concept rather than directly This requires very active narration and solid structure. It might be too late for hope? Or was hope a nonentity to begin with? Like
you're stuck? You're either stuck or you aren't, and from that answer you could go many ways about describing the situation in front of you. To give that line away as, "like" is to make you too passive about your situation, and that gives the impression that the struggle isn't as dire as you present it to be. You cannot see where it leads? Well what can
you see? Can you see the inevitable failure or the embers of hope? Something to force you to give up, or something to make you persevere through the images you talked about earlier in the poem?
You see where I'm going with this: the ideas you're messing with are heavy things, and treating them with likes and maybes only serves to make the entire poem less engaging. I'm not saying you need to be ripping apart the absurdity of existence in every stanza, but more feeling and less drifting will help your poem flourish. To add to that, try to focus on a narrower theme like Em said. Chance, luck, fate and hope are all things that people have struggled with their entire lives. Condensing all of it into a single poem while still accurately conveying your perspective and engaging the reader would be something magnificent, but that kind of majesty takes a long time of practicing to execute in a way that does the topic justice.
You've got a really nice foundation here and I enjoyed your poem, Mokrie. I hope to see more stuff from you in the future.
EDIT: jesus christ I'm thick, I didn't even read the topic title. Nice reference, though my above post still stands.
Edited by Tyler, 27 April 2013 - 01:41 PM.