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Innocence and Loneliness

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  • orbitalraindrops


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Posted 15 May 2013 - 11:39 PM

Liking this a lot. Am I the only one getting a creepy vibe off this. I dont mean creepy as in drunk and rapey creepy. I mean Paranormal Activity type creepy. I don't know but the whole is it a dream?, is it not? thing is quite intense. Youv'e definitely nailed the dream like ethereal vibe. Lots of good description in this as well. Almost like a movie in my mind which is when you know a story is working for you. Keep it up!

  • Ziggy455

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Posted 16 May 2013 - 06:39 PM

@Mokrie: E'ryday I'm learnin'. I think chucking it to Tony would be a big help. I'll send him the next chapter or so before. Fresh eyes bring fresh perspectives. Kudos for the information.

@Orbital: Thankyou for the reads, mate. It's still up and down and very volatile but I'm glad it's staying consistent enough for it to have that effect.

P.S. boob-punch? Interesting!

It's an odd, strange, f*cked up, creepy, weird, funny, messed-up, crazy, psychologically-tormenting story. rolleyes.gif

  • Eminence

  • Leone Family Mafia
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Posted 16 May 2013 - 07:58 PM

Hate to beat a dead horse but, yeah, I found that last chapter difficult to read. Rambling, lacked atmosphere, lacked flow. I'll reread it after you've edited it. tounge.gif

  • Ziggy455

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Posted 21 May 2013 - 08:02 PM

Part Five
Somewhere between Forrest’s Vietnam induction, and his third consecutive meeting with the President of the United State, the house had suddenly become enveloped in darkness. The TV gave a final buzz before it zapped away. Smooth fingers edged to my hand and held me tightly with a sudden gasp.

“Don’t go, I’m scared of the dark,” said Lorna as she edged along the sofa, the sound of rubbing leather easy to hear. It was always quiet in the dark. How odd.

“Easy, easy.” I stood up and held onto her gently more out of instinct than want.

“Does this happen often here?” I walked into the kitchen, the glint of the backgarden lights glinted on the shiny stuff that cluttered the sides. My eyes were much more accustomed to the dark than the light. Ironically, this didn’t happen a lot. Although the one night I have the company of a girl, the house decides to go on the fritz, it seemed more like some of that familiar Edgley-luck.

“No, not really. Obviously a power scramble. I’ll go grab some candles.”

I let go of her hand and her nails dug into my T-shirt, catching my skin with a hot flash of pain.

“Yargh! Easy!” I tugged away from her gently and headed over to the cupboard where there was enough candles to put the Vatican at shame. I grabbed a few of them and set them up quickly with a fidgety Lorna always behind me. Back in the cupboard, I pulled out a fluffy white blanket that was still coated in plastic. Like out of a 70s porno, I threw it onto the floor and chucked the wrapping away. It was probably where I was going to end up anyway. With Lorna gripping me again, I had to complete the tedious task of putting the fire on. I lit the candles up that littered the mantlepiece and then, soon after, the fire gave out a spluttering clank before the roar of it filled the room. The fluffy rug lit up. Lorna sprawled out on it like a cat. She twisted and turned as her feet and hands playfully moved around with some sort of insatiable comfort.

“Oh god, I love this blanket.”

I stared at her as the gas-fire slowly spluttered into a casual dance. “You don’t have to stick around.” Her green eyes lit up in the fire that stepped up a sudden notch and roared. She looked at me with drooped eyelids, her lips curving into a smirk. Whatever she was insinuating, it wasn’t happening, so she let the smile drop.

“I might regret it…But you’re not…You’re…”

“Go on,” I said as I crossed my arms.

“You’re not totally…bad?”

“Oh, I see. What happened to the freaks! and You’re gays?” My fingers strummed against my upper arms as Lorna got on her knees.

Lorna’s hands found mine and pried them yanking me down with a strong pull. I fell onto her with a heavy gasp and she let out a giggle. Her hands slipped around me like a vice and in that brief second between pain and pleasure, she slipped her tongue deep into my mouth. Her soft legs slid around me and for what felt like an eternity, I tried to fight it, but something else knocked me back and I found myself gripping her hair. My own tongue slid out of her mouth. Instinct; I let my muscle slid down her soft neck, the strong taste of perfume sauntered onto my tongue.

I bit her lightly, a gasp of pleasure slipped out of her and I felt something like queasiness deep down in my stomach. Her hands lifted the back of my top up; her dark-painted fingernails dug into my back and scratched. Those green eyes peeked through lowered eyelids in the heat of passion.

“f*ck me,” she whispered as her hands slid from my back to my belt buckle which she undid with amazing succession. It slid out quickly and flew across the room abruptly crashing down onto the laminated floor with a metal clang. My jeans slid down lightly and I let my hands roam around her curvy sides. I kissed inbetween her perfect breasts as her vest came off. She turned her head to left, falling back; lifting up with a curve of her back. Groaning with some sort of imeasurable pleasure; she wanted this more than me.

“Most extraordinary,” somebody said from the kitchen doorway. Wait. What?! I turned quickly. Lorna wriggled in my hands, her nails slid down my front, tickling me. They pryed into my jeans and found what they were looking for. A pair of eyes peeked from the crack in the door.

“What the f*ck!?” I screamed as I shot up from Lorna; her soothing grasp gone. My legs scrambled me away from the door automatically, but no yells came from Lorna. The shape and form of her had disappeared suddenly, leaving only an empty rug. My sudden gust of movement knocked out some candles that spewed hot wax onto the floor below. RING RING! I slammed into the radiator with a clank that echoed through the pipes of the old house. Something heavy collided with my head. The ringing stopped and I realized it was the phone that was trying to make a collect call on my cranium.

Indistinct ramblings came from the reciever. I grabbed it slowly and put it to my head. “Yeah, what? Hello?” Why I had answered was beyond me.

“Hello, sir. Any issues? Do you need us to take the dogs out?”

“What? Yes…No! It’s fine. Nevermind…” Evelyn walked into the room with a look like a child about to receive a beating.

“Okay.” I said as if I’d been scheduled, and then it dawned on me. “Who is this?” Click. The line gave me back that familiar poor quality drone.

I slammed down the reciever and leaned up against the radiator. I’m slipping. I’m going insane. I’m in that padded room! Is this real?This was too real. Dreams were always hazy and unreal. Why was this happening to me?! I looked at Evelyn whose blue eyes glinted in the darkness.

“What is happening!?” I screamed at her. She flitted from the room with a gasp. The sound of her clicking boots getting shallow as she slipped out the back. I pushed myself up suddenly and sprinted after her. Jumping through the open backdoor after her, my feet landed with a soft thud; scraping with echoes down the alleyway out into the street.

“Evelyn!” I ran down my dark, empty street. Christ, she ran fast. Her shape was already halfway down the street when, suddenly, something or somebody yanked her out of my view. She let out a scream. I stopped dead. Cold air seeped into my lungs, cooling them off. The purple sky had gone dry, the floor beneath my feet still moist.

With a gentle creep against Mrs. Hendersons hedge that led onto the corner of Chucknill Row, I got a view of Evelyn near the big oak tree, close to the bus stop. Her small arms caught in heavy locks of two brutish men. A smaller man in a business-suit walked up and down. He kind of resembled DeVito in Taxi. Walking back and forth, he tapped his thinning-hair head. Condensation poured from his mouth as he spoke. Christ, it was freezing.

“No, please! I’m sorry!” The young girl yelled hysterically. Tears spilled down her cheeks. The short man raised his hand, a firm slap echoed. She recoiled. “Please…stop.” That whack had taken a lot out of her. I took a deep breath and clocked the short man. A full lunge, I jumped; my feet aimed for his back. With a deadly force, I speared him with both feet. His short frame gave way and he flew past the two men and a fading Evelyn. A burning sensation shot up my back as my bare skin scratched across the concrete. No time. Standing up, I shot towards the two men. They let go of Evelyn, a force for a man came out of nowhere and popped Evelyn in the cheek. Suddenly, the woman-beater sped off down the street; completely abandoning the short man who was passed out.

“Oi, f*ck off!” I screamed at the two diminishing figures halfway down the road. Evelyn swayed back and forth. Her eyes dipped and suddenly, as if a switch had been flicked, she tumbled down to the floor. The immense roar of approaching thunder knocked me out of my stride. I looked at the jumbled heap on the road and went over to her. Her chestnut hair loose, her blouse torn giving way to the corset undergarment.

My arms slipped under her light frame and I carried her back to the house. Carrying her inside, I looked at Evelyn; her eyes and brow concentrating on some vivid dream. Sweet groans parted from her ruby red lips, a bruise on her right cheek. I slammed the backdoor shut as she cradled into me. Feeling some sort of concern –more than I had with Lorna- I gently lowered Evelyn close to to the fire, grabbing a pillow off the couch for her head.

Hours passed. Or maybe it was minutes. The reality of being awake in a dream was a odd sensation that I had yet to come to terms with. When looking around the room, I expected my sanity to drop. To see some dark figure in the corner of the room; to feel the cold rush of a black-ocean tsunami bursting through the windows, but the solid truth hit me like a cold slab of meat. This place was just like being awake. I filtered through the bookcase opposite the mantlepiece, the books were real, I could quote them. I made out a few books on the top shelf and skimmered through the pages. My fingers traced the faded paper, finding words, distinguishing prose, eyeing paragraphs of familiarity. Everything was real.

Evelyn let out a gasp and groan as she stirred. She twisted and turned, her hands swaying up and down in the air lightly as she went foetal against the fire.

“Evelyn?” I asked as I shot down to her. I gently cradled her back and brought her forward. Her breath was hot on my face, it smelled sweet, like Strawberries. Ever so gently, her eyes opened, and those deep, reflective eyes smiled along with her mouth.

“Mr Edgley!” she whispered.

“I’m here.” Our hands interlocked as she gained her balance. Gently, she moved her legs under her skirt and folded them. Following a yawn, I let go of her hands and did the same opposite her.

“He hit me hard!” she said with a sudden gasp, her big blue eyes popping open with an unnatural glimmer. I gently traced the swollen side of her face with a glare of both disgust and shock.

“No sh*t,” Her eyes pulled mine back into hers. Those hypnotic eyes seemed so big.

The candles brightened and my room, as it always was, became enlightened again as if somebody had turned up the natural light rate. Evely rubbed her cheek as I lowered my hands. The fire gently flickered near us, and every so often Evelyn would stare at it.

“I’m sorry, Mr Edgley.” She gained some balance and moved closer to it. Water trickled down her face and between the tear of her blouse. She covered it, or at least she tried.

“You’re apologizing for taking a jab in the jaw?”

“You did not have to go after me, I’m sorry I spoilt your night, it was most disrespectful of me.” It was hard to tell if there were tears in her eyes. With a lowered head, her voice cracked and she let out a little sniffle. I told her to get closer to the fire, she obeyed. My cardigan slipped off me easily, being two sizes too big for even me, I wrapped it around her; she stared at me and it was clear to me I could not stare into her eyes, because I knew I’d not be able to stop myself. I could feel them on me. A glare that was stronger than any real woman could give me.

“Who were those men?” The cardigan was more like a blanket to her. Her hands slipped into the sleeves and after much tugging, she found the ends. It looked comically-big on her. I stifled a little laugh.

“My father’s men.”

“Your father?” I crossed my arms.

“My father, yes, he’s in charge of Pennsylvania.”

“What’s that?“

“Solitudos is this place, this city. Father is angry because people have begun to immigrate here.”

Here this girl was, spouting off some political crap my way, in my head no more. As she tried to explain to me what this place was, my mind fizzled away. I thought more about what was happening to me. Was I dead? Dying? I must be mental, I thought. No man had dreamt like this. What kind of man, what kind of normal man, could consistently dream of the same thing night after night? Consistency was scarce in the windmills of the mind and yet here I was, fifth dream in, talking to the only girl I truly felt any sort of link to.

“I don’t want to burst your bubble, Evelyn,” I said as I stood up, my feet pacing me back and forth. With a sudden halt, breath seeped into my lung with big chugs. Words didn’t come to me. I let out a laugh that was choked off. “This isn’t real. This is so bullsh*t. It’s a f*cking dream. It’s not real, it can’t be! Don’t you understand that?”

“Why do you always say that, Mr Edgley?” Irritance in her voice.

I scoffed. “What? That this is my dream? When I wake up -which I will- Evelyn, You will slip away like a ghost.” She gripped the cardigan tightly and I heard the hurt in her voice.

“I am not a figment of your mind, Mr Edgley! Pennsylvania is real. You would know, you’ve stepped out into its coldness and seen it yourself tonight.”

“Yes, it is real! When I wake up, I’ll google it and check it out. I hear it’s a nice place in America.”

“Come here, I’ll make you believe!” she said with more irritation in her voice.

She stood up, the sleeves sagging over her hands. Grabbing my hands through the fabric, she yanked me back out of the door and into the cold night. Outside, a faint light of the sun slid up from behind some houses.

  • Ziggy455

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Posted 25 May 2013 - 08:40 PM Edited by Ziggy455, 28 May 2013 - 05:27 PM.

The next part will be up when I've got some free time!

2,000 post!

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  • Ziggy455

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Posted 21 August 2013 - 09:09 PM

Part Six
Stepping out into the sun that slowly rose from the East; I took a deep breath and held tightly onto Evelyn’s hand. The only sound beyond our exasperated breaths as we jogged along was the rhythmic clicking of her heels from under her skirt. With her familiar visage of clothes in front of me, I found my eyes looking around. I tried to distinguish some difference from this world from my own real world.

Chucknill Row was extremely familiar. It eerily mirrored the real world that continued in reality as I slept through a second form of it. As the sun slowly made its eventual path up, I saw distant buildings away in the distance. We both stepped out of my street and past the tree that was still sticky with the short man’s blood; but the incapacitated midget man remained there no more. The main street we had moved on to was Hale Row. As we passed The Red Trumpet; a local where my mom spent lots of her time, I began to see shapes of buildings poking up in the distance. How strange, I thought. Those types of skyscrapers were not visible whenever I made my way down here before. Modernism buildings like metallic poles reached up into the heavens beyond. This was the first difference I had noticed.

As we proceeded through the town, passing by familiar places; Joe’s Diner, College, the VK club, it became apparent that nobody habituated these places. The world was for all intents and purposes, empty. Or so I had thought. As we moved out of the familiar world into unknown territory, the faint sounds of yells would break through the repetitive clicks of Evelyn. Laughter would echo through cracks of alleys but Evelyn did not show any kind of fear at these ghostly sounds. She continued to tug me gently, her hand still wrapped around mine. I did not hate the feel of her. We stepped through an arch, surrounded by massive, indescribable towers everywhere.

“This is Pennsylvania ?” I asked Evelyn as we moved through the skyscraper graveyard; cranes and construction equipment littering the surrounding area. It was as if Pennsylvania was still under construction. I laughed a little at this as Evelyn continued to lead.

“Indeed. Father has spent most of my life building this place in his image.”

That was the last thing she said to me as me journeyed for almost an hour; the shapes of buildings shifting every so often. At one point, smoke billowing, armatures that almost mimicked buildings would be our main exhibits, and then suddenly, as if passing through dimensions, clear, shimmering behemoths of artistic architecture would appear. The only thing I knew of Pennsylvania was that it was utterly huge, and the further we went, the more it twisted and contorted into a dark maze of a utopia.

“Why are buildings here so different?”

“There are many districts, each to their own style. Father didn’t tell me why he created it like this.” My hand slipped out of hers gently and I looked around. We were in a maze of metallic quality that had no end or beginning. The further we moved in, the more our path was laden with cranes, bulldozers, metallic sheets piled up by thousands, and a whole range of construction equipment.

“Okay stop!” I yelled as she ran ahead. As I yelled, she stopped and turned. A wind blew through the crevices of the architectural maze that was the mid-constructed district. “Where are we going?”

“We’re going to The Ark District!” she said before running off again. I jogged after her with a sigh. We ran for a good twenty minutes, slipping around areas of deep construction. After what felt like another hour of slipping through crack, travelling through dark tunnels, and easing through elevated paths until finally, over a hill or rubble, a sight that still amazes me to this day loomed into view.

As a clearing of dirt spread before us with all types of construction assets, above us and beyond, lay the biggest building in existence. The building was a dark tinge of brown that spread up and up; thousands of windows spread from each side of the building and on the right side of it, a glimmering steel block clung to the monstrosity like the dislodged hammer of a Glock 17, forever aiming into the sky. From cuts in the block, water seeped down through glass partitions, and halfway up, wire-like indentations spread out with a face half-created. The entire building was a complete mashup of something Art Deco mixed with a building I had seen once vaguely in a distant dream. Evelyn walked through the construction yard towards it.

“Holy mother of God,” I barely made out as my jaw dropped, and my eyes leered up at the structure that pierced the clouds; a circular disc spread around the top, almost touching the clouds. Glimmering in the sunlight, like an aerial of Earth itself, a lighthouse of giants, I stared up and let out a yell of both shock and surprise.

“HOLY MOTHER OF GOD CAN YOU f*ckING BELIEVE THAT!” I pointed at it to a non-existent Evelyn who was up ahead. She climbed over some blocks of steel and slipped through a crane’s bottom structure out of view. “Wait, Evelyn!”

I sprinted up to her, almost tripping over a loose stack of bricks on my way. As I caught up with her she turned to me, a look of boredom on her face, one of her dark finger-nailed hands loosely on her hip as she stared at me. “Come on Mr. Edgley.” She turned and walked under the building. Revolving doorways automatically spun as I stepped into the shadows.

“Home sweet home, as my father says.”

“Wait a minute, you live here? IN THIS!?” I looked up at the sprawling armature of the entrance. Windows went up as far as I could perceive, and probably further beyond. I stared up, bumped into something, and looked down to see Evelyn staring up at me; our eyes extremely close.

“Live is an understatement Mr. Edgley,” she turned and approached a revolving door; one straight our of a 1950s New York theatre; it suited the Art Deco of the place aright. “survival is more of a fitting approach of what I would call it.” She stepped in and followed the revolving system, disappearing inside.

“Wait up!” I yelled, mystified and as curious as she had been a few hours earlier.

I stepped inside and timed my feet to follow the slow circular movements of the door. I slipped through the door and stumbled into the so-called lobby of this place. The lobby was small and compact, a pair of double doors led into an elongated hallway. Framed pictures on each side were of an old man, his dark piercing eyes and grey beard stared out at me. My feet rooted to the spot as I examined all of the pictures. Each one chronicled an event. THE BIRTH, as it was aptly called, showed a young man placing bricks together against rain and wind. THE PROGRESS showed the same man, aged and worn, constructing bigger buildings, leading others to build with him. Each picture showed a process of creation. I didn’t pay much attention as Evelyn grabbed my hand and continued to lead me with a huff like a disinterested child down the hallway through another pair of double doors into a smaller lobby.

“We are going up Mr. Edgley!” Evelyn looked at me and smiled before she made her way to the lifts. This room was pure and white and the walls leaned upwards like slanted pillars. One of the elevators opened with a ding! We stepped in.

“Okay, well how many floors does this ‘ Ark ’ have, Evelyn?” I asked as she placed her hand on a blaring white screen. Another ding sounded off.

“Six hundred and sixty five,” she responded as the door shut with a suction of air.

“Oh, only six hundred and sixty five. Are we going all the way up?” I replied with a nod.

“No. We shall go only halfway.”

I stood next to her and looked around. The elevator was very big on the inside, but nothing was really noticeable except for the blaring control panel that Evelyn had used earlier. It flickered briefly and shut off reflecting Evelyn’s bright blue eyes for a moment.

“We have quite some time before we reach the halfway mark, Mr. Edgley,” she said to me out of an ocean of silence. I cleared my throat and responded:

“Sure. I guess this is probably a good time to get some answers from you then?”

“You may ask what you wish,” she turned with a bright smile and crossed her arms as me; her hair around the left side of her neck, slipping down her blouse. My cardigan still clung to her skinny frame.

“Where are we? And what exactly is Pennsylvania ? And who the f*ck is the old dude in the pictures? And why the hell am I not in an insane asylum?”

She took a deep breath, bit her tongue through her teeth, and gave me a smirk with a cocked brow. “We’re in my home, and my father’s home: The Ark. Pennsylvania is the city he spent his life building and that man is my father, so please show some respect when you address him! And why you aren’t in an asylum I don’t know. We have one here, once you believe what I want you to see, I can take you to it if you like.”

“Well, that’d be perfect. Sign me up for it, I’ll take a room with a view and preferably not padded.”

“I’ve just brought you out here to see the truth, is this all a joke to you, Mr. Edgley?” I felt her eyes burning into me as we made direct contact. I swallowed.

“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a smartarse. I’m here to understand things, but can you blame me for questioning?”

“I suppose I cannot, just please be a bit more civilised in your expressions.”
The elevator shot up at a colossal speed. Sounds of wubs repetitively filled my ears every so often. Evelyn’s brow remained furrowed at me. I believe I had pissed off this girl.
“I’m sorry, okay?” I approached her.

“It’s fine.” She did not approach me back. I gave up.

“You judge before you see, Mr. Edgley. Let’s see how judgmental you are in sixty seconds.”

“Sixty seconds?” Above me, I saw light. The wubs got louder as the lift sped up suddenly. Evelyn smiled at me as the elevator shook. I gripped the sides of it as screeching emitted from the corners. Light suddenly cascaded all around and I my eyes clamped shut. I felt as if somebody had set off a magnesium flare in my face. I let out a scream.

“What the f*ck, Evelyn, what’s happening?!”

“Open your eyes Mr. Edgley,” she whispered to me.

“Is it safe?” I asked through heavy breaths.

“Yes,” she replied.

I gently opened them and stared out as the light slowly faded. The back of the lift was in fact glass, and as the final fragments of pure light simmered down, my retinas adjusted and I felt for the first time in my bleak existence, something between pure appreciation of beauty and transcendental doubt of my own life and reality. This was a feeling I had only felt then and there, and never again.

As I looked out, the sun that had risen slowly in the sky cascaded over the sprawling city below. I stared down at the thousands of skyscrapers of all shapes and sizes. Some black, some white, and some of extremely odd artistic taste that I had to look twice to comprehend their structures. To the right of this city, Pennsylvania , I could see a bright blue shimmering ocean that stretched onwards, close to a pile of industrial pylons and structures that billowed different spectrums of smoke and steam into the bright blue sky.

“In all my life…” I whispered, not sure how to finish. My heart in my throat as my hands touched the glass, Evelyn’s hands wrapped around the metallic banister of the lift.
To the left, opposite the beautiful ocean and the industrial constructs, a sprawling forest that went on for miles were spread below massive mountains that loomed over Pennsylvania. We were in the heart of the city, but between scrapers and beautiful examples of Cecil’s architecture, familiar places of my own world peeked through. I did not notice them at first but after down long enough, I begun to link pieces together. My eyes focused more on the mountains; they were not of my own world.


“Yes. Father calls them the Oxamara Mountains ,” said Evelyn as if she had given a tour of this place a million times.

“An ocean- forests…The districts! There’s so many things…” I took in deep breaths as if the air had suddenly gone thin. I felt uneasy, as if something was loose in my head. I tried to remain still but I couldn’t control the dizziness. Something caught in my throat.

“It’s okay, it’s alright, I know it’s hard to take in Mr. Edgley.” A pair of hands slipped around me in an embrace but I barely felt them. I felt like Ripley in Aliens; something was gonna burst in a minute. Like Neo in the real world, I was going to shatter into a million pieces on the floor. I couldn’t comprehend this. It wasn’t real. None of it existed.

“GET ME DOWN!” I screamed suddenly jerking away from Evelyn’s embrace.

“I’d like to get down now, please. Now. I’m not finding this breathtaking.” I couldn’t accept it. My lungs swelled but air wasn’t coming in or out. “LET ME OUT.” I screamed and slammed my fists against the glass. Evelyn jumped.

“You will be okay!” She yelled at me as tears appeared in her eyes. “Please clam down!”

“Get me down! Please! I can’t deal with this right now.”

“ I just wanted to make you see!”

“See what? The scope of my insanity? That’s all I am seeing right now.”

She looked terrified, and for a moment I regained clarity. But as I stared out at the city of mind, sanity left once more. “Simon I-“

Glass shattered as something black loomed from the light; black tentacles slipped through the glass. Evelyn ducked and hid her face. I felt the tentacles slip around me. One of them turned and faced me. With red eyes and a thousand razor sharp teeth it lunged at me. I fell back with a yell. Air whooshed through the glass like a vacuum, and I was suddenly sucked out. I did not know if it was the tentacles or the air. As I spun in the air, I never screamed as loud as I did then. The tentacles screamed with me as we all few down to the floor. I couldn’t close my eyes. Suddenly, the floor loomed into view.

BANG! Darkness.

ARGH WHAT THE f*ck! I jumped up and screamed. Within seconds I realized I was awake and somehow, in the darkness of the room, the crackling of the fire, and the silence of the night, that everything that had just happened was in my mind. Cold sweat seeped down my legs and through my jeans. Lorna’s shoes were gone, and with them, I assumed she was cuddled up in bed with RJ, both of them having a good chuckle about the weirdo that was Simon Edgley. I shook violently, still scared to death of what had just happened. The falling was as terrifying as the revelation that a city had been set up in my mind, and it would be there again when I slept.

Bbbbbbrrrrr. I felt the vibration in my jeans. My hand slipped into my pocket and I found my phone. Flicking it open I expected perhaps a sh*tty Vodafone reply, or maybe even a drunken text of one of the lads, but no, I was left with more sh*t to deal with. The name JON blared on the little screen and with a click that already regretted before pushing, I gave a sigh.
Hey m8 its jon. Need to talk to u urgently. Plz meet me at joes in an hour. Its really really urgent!!!!!

ARGH! Not Jon.

I knew, out of the goodness of my f*cked up heart, that I would go and see him. As stupid as I was, and as stupid as I felt at that moment, this was a godsend. I couldn’t spend another minute in this house, thinking of Evelyn angry at me, or thinking of this city. I grabbed my jacket, sprayed some deodorant on to stem the stench of sweat, and shot out of the door into the cold night.

Déjà vu!

  • Abel.


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Posted 21 August 2013 - 09:56 PM

The last two chapters flowed very well and I really like the way this has developed into something much deeper. The description of Simon's dreamscape was great and gave me a real Half Life 2 or Dishonoured vibe. The way Evelyn kept mentioning her father, the fact that she and Simon were alone and the elevator's ascent all made the climax of the view and the end of his dream all the more suspenseful.

Looking forward to where this goes.

  • Skorge

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Posted 01 September 2013 - 01:21 AM

Amazing, I can tell you have a burning passion for writing, I can feel that when reading your work. Keep up the good work Zigg.

  • Ziggy455

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Posted 01 September 2013 - 01:34 PM

QUOTE (Skorge @ Sunday, Sep 1 2013, 01:21)
Amazing, I can tell you have a burning passion for writing, I can feel that when reading your work. Keep up the good work Zigg.

Cheers, Skorge. Thankyou for taking the time to read it. You're one cool hombre. tounge2.gif

  • aritrabose

    Yipee Kay-yay Motherf*cker !

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Posted 02 September 2013 - 12:00 PM

Dude, I consider you my teacher in writing (which you are). Keep writing it, because the one thing I don't like about a good periodical is that you have to wait for the next chapter to come up. colgate.gif

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