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Vic Vance: The Aftermath

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Mr_Leone
  • Mr_Leone

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#1

Posted 17 April 2013 - 04:43 AM Edited by Mr_Leone, 17 April 2013 - 07:38 AM.

Tell me how you like it, or dislike it, or enlighten me. biggrin.gif


Chapter 1: Welcome back to Vice City! (Not done yet)

Vic woke up in the morning, stretching his arms as he surveyed his luxury bed, seemingly annoyed by the sun beaming through the window. He did his usual routine, putting on his slippers, grabbing the robe on his way out of his room. He swiftly tied it; almost as if it was an art form, and scurried down stairs. Vance approached the fridge, pulling on the firm handle, examining the contents of the fridge. Nothing exciting. Incidentally, he spots a half eaten burger wrapped in the crumpled Burger wrapper. Vic sniffed it, nodded, and sat down. Vic took a few bites until his cellphone abruptly rang. Vic paused, getting up, grabbing the phone off the hook.

"Hello?", Vic said curiously.
"Vic!", Vic recgonized the voice. He sighed, very annoyed.
"What, Lance?"
"I'ma come over, gots' to talk with ya." Vic was indifferent.
"Fine. Come here in fifteen."

Vic scurried into the shower, taking his clothes off quickly, jumping into the shower, adjusting the temperature. He whistled a tune off Flash FM, but it was barely audible. He got out, brushed his teeth, spray on some deodorant, flossed, but forgot to shave. Vic left the bathroom, going into his bedroom closet, grabbing a pair of boxers. He got dressed, nothing fancy, just a blue silk shirt and some regular pants. Vic jogged downstairs, as the doorbell rang, he grabbed the knob and opened it up reluctantly. "Vic!" Lanced blasted, meeting eyes with Vic, before Vic nodded. "Come in", he said, "sit", he demand. Vic was agitated, as usual, Lance noticed it and refrained from commenting on it, he began speaking loudly, but not on purpose: "So, 'bout them keys...I got a buyer." Vic sighed obnoxiously, "Lance...we went ov-" Lance cut him off, "Trust me. Just--trust me. The buyer is good. I checked around." Vic looked intrigued but tried to hide it, "Ohh..ugm, go on?", Lance nodded, "He's from San Andreas. He's coming out here. For a short time, however", Lance said. Vic nodded, "Who? Who?" "Some black guy, runs with a big street gang...his name is uhm, Kane." "Kane?" Vic said, "Yeah. Kane." So Vic wasn't really buying it, but was intrigued, "Who'd you meet him from?""Phil. Phil met some guy in San Andreas over the weekend, he got some money and decided to go and see what's popping in SA." Vic was actually impressed, "Fine. Lance, I'm coming with you...just, here." Vic lifted up a floorboard next to the television set, he picked up an AK-47 out of it, tossing it towards Lance, nearly hitting him. "Keep this."

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

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#2

Posted 17 April 2013 - 04:18 PM

To put it simply, this is unfinished. If you're going to share a story, which is brilliant, then do so when you have something to show.
From what is here though, it looks hurried and rough, like a sketch. It needs work. There's a bit where there's an orgy of speech, who the hell's saying what?!

I'd say go away for a bit and work on this more. Come back when it's ready, which it isn't.

Cubanwhip
  • Cubanwhip

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#3

Posted 18 April 2013 - 12:32 AM

Aside from the constant tense switching, the mashed together dialogue in the final paragraph, the incomplete side note, it's brevity, and a lack of time (which I assume is between Vice City and Vice City Stories), I would come back with a more polished and better formatted version. The dialogue was hard to read in the last paragraph. But don't give up!

Also, Mokrie, don't compare this to my story. It isn't that bad. sad.gif

TonyZimmzy
  • TonyZimmzy

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#4

Posted 18 April 2013 - 12:49 AM

This has inspired me to write my own short one-shot for Victor Vance. Thank you for this. I promise, I'll make you proud.

Mr_Leone
  • Mr_Leone

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#5

Posted 18 April 2013 - 11:04 PM

Uh..close this. My self esteem is ruined. Never writing again LOL.

VProductions
  • VProductions

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#6

Posted 18 April 2013 - 11:12 PM

QUOTE (Mr_Leone @ Wednesday, Apr 17 2013, 04:43)
Chapter 1: Welcome back to Vice City! (Not done yet)

Vic woke up in the morning, stretching his arms as he surveyed his luxury bed, seemingly annoyed by the sun beaming through the window. He did his usual routine, putting on his slippers, grabbing the robe on his way out of his room. He swiftly tied it; almost as if it was an art form, and scurried down stairs. Vance approached the fridge, pulling on the firm handle, examining the contents of the fridge. Nothing exciting. Incidentally, he spots a half eaten burger wrapped in the crumpled Burger wrapper. Vic sniffed it, nodded, and sat down. Vic took a few bites until his cellphone abruptly rang. Vic paused, getting up, grabbing the phone off the hook.

"Hello?", Vic said curiously.
"Vic!", Vic recgonized the voice. He sighed, very annoyed.
"What, Lance?"
"I'ma come over, gots' to talk with ya." Vic was indifferent.
"Fine. Come here in fifteen."

Vic scurried into the shower, taking his clothes off quickly, jumping into the shower, adjusting the temperature. He whistled a tune off Flash FM, but it was barely audible. He got out, brushed his teeth, spray on some deodorant, flossed, but forgot to shave. Vic left the bathroom, going into his bedroom closet, grabbing a pair of boxers. He got dressed, nothing fancy, just a blue silk shirt and some regular pants. Vic jogged downstairs, as the doorbell rang, he grabbed the knob and opened it up reluctantly.

"Vic!" Lanced blasted, meeting eyes with Vic, before Vic nodded.

"Come in", he said, "sit", he demand.

Vic was agitated, as usual, Lance noticed it and refrained from commenting on it, he began speaking loudly, but not on purpose:

"So, 'bout them keys...I got a buyer." Vic sighed obnoxiously, "Lance...we went ov-"

Lance cut him off, "Trust me. Just--trust me. The buyer is good. I checked around."

Vic looked intrigued but tried to hide it, "Ohh..ugm, go on?.

Lance nodded, "He's from San Andreas. He's coming out here. For a short time, however", Lance said.

Vic nodded, "Who? Who?"

"Some black guy, runs with a big street gang...his name is uhm, Kane."

"Kane?" Vic said,

"Yeah. Kane." So Vic wasn't really buying it, but was intrigued, "Who'd you meet him from?"

"Phil. Phil met some guy in San Andreas over the weekend, he got some money and decided to go and see what's popping in SA."

Vic was actually impressed, "Fine. Lance, I'm coming with you...just, here." Vic lifted up a floorboard next to the television set, he picked up an AK-47 out of it, tossing it towards Lance, nearly hitting him. "Keep this."

See, all this needed was a bit of seperating. It is an interesting idea you had man, you dont have to give up! smile.gif Hope I helped.




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