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The Writers' Room

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MacAshford
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#961

Posted 23 July 2013 - 02:25 PM

Hey Saltinespike, you probably don't know me, I haven't been here for that long. Nice to meet you smile.gif

Eminence
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#962

Posted 24 July 2013 - 09:28 PM

Hey VP, your new thread looks insanely popular. Fourteen replies in a couple days! Pretty good going for this part of the forum.

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#963

Posted 24 July 2013 - 09:31 PM

I was trying to set it out professionally but it probably just put people off commenting on the missions are on there. Makes WD look more popular anyway. Lol tounge.gif

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#964

Posted 24 July 2013 - 10:18 PM

I am suppose to do a speech at school on a poem and then explain what it's about and the techniques used.

I feel like I should rebel against that and instead do my speech on why poems don't need techniques or need to make sense - as everyone perceives it in their own way. I'd probably get low marks but I feel it's right.

PerceptortheShootist
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#965

Posted 24 July 2013 - 10:25 PM

Hello fellow writers! I've been meaning to type up in this forum the premise of a full TV series that I'd like to write. I'd appreciate some feedback and suggestions, thanks!

Leaders
The series gives focus to seven factions, one at a time, each gaining an equal amount of screen-time. Usually, three factions are focused on after season 1 but at a certain point, a fourth faction is inducted but only for one season. However, I will only list the big three that remain throughout the entire series.

The Axcel Empire: This is the robot army led by mafia worker Stephen K. Axcel. He gained all that the empire needs (materials, security, money) from the mafia he worked for after he did his job for 10 years, making him a made man. Stephen had the empire constructed to go up against the government, which he deems as corrupt and wrong due to lacking a sense of humanitarianism and doing various things behind the public's back. Stephen wants to bring them down so his empire can take over and have his law all over America. The media treats the empire as homicidal terrorists but they're misunderstood. They do not wish to slay anyone except the demons, the government. Stephen grew up without correct knowledge of his grandfather, whom he'd soon find out to have been a gangster in the '40s once he signed up for the FBI to look for answers.
The robots of the empire are quite as characteristic and emotional as humans. Occasional focus is given to them. I'm still trying to figure out certain bits to them like how an entire army was manufactured.

The Donstien Empire: This empire would begin in season 2. They're led by the robot in the faction title, Donstien. The original 100 robots that formed the empire were former troops for Axcel. The empire began as a rebellion within the Axcel Empire bases, started by Donstien after he and he alone was berated by Axcel for having failed a bank robbery -which was the introduction of the Hero Trio- and eventually demoted to a lower rank. The riots he'd start were usually stopped by violence and he'd be placed under confinement and stripped of his weapons. He saw doubt in Axcel to reach his goals, and thought of him as a selfish and entitled fool. Donstien had then met a group of robots that thought the same. The betrayal was months in the making but it eventually occurred when they managed to get another 80 robots, materials, and a ship to make their escape from the cesspool. The empire would have to steal from Axcel's for a little while to get the supplies they needed. Their goal was to kill all humans since they view them as inferior creatures that want to dominate everything.
Donstien himself began as a wonderful leader of his team. Once the Hero Trio came in, he began to lose his touch. When he started his empire, he tried to be a better leader than Axcel ever was but as the war between his empire and Axcel's would rage on, Donstien would lose it and lash out at his own troops. His eventual lack of strategy and compassion would lead to the hatred by his very own empire...

The Hero Trio: They're legendary among Missouri once they've put a stop to a bank robbery by the robots. They have home-made plasma sabers that provide good damage to the enemy. What everyone doesn't know though is that they're simply three college students that share the same room together. When the first news came out about the robots, they weren't nor were willing to do anything. However, when their bank account containing their college money was swiped by the robots, they were furious and felt the need to do something.

Dan is the leader of the trio. He's a party-goer with a hopeful future in leadership according to his professors after observing him in group projects, though he does slack off at times. He would be the one responsible for creating the suits that the trio will wear to hide their identities (to not gain unwanted attention like assassins or paparazzi or even the robots when they're out in public) and to protect their bodies from harsh conditions...well, not exactly responsible. He had a close friend of his to make a few suits for his group since he owed Dan one. Dan was questioned about the suits and he had to reply with "making a movie about space".

Dexter (may change the name) is the one that motivates the team into becoming heroes. Dexter is a bit of a ladies man without intending to be so. He's very diligent in his studies and has a high intelligence for structure. This would help him create the tools needed to combat the robots. However, he would have to make the weapons under cover and even do a bit of trespassing. Don't worry, he only needed to trespass a power station to charge the sabers with plasma electricity. Eventually, he'd find a way to liquify energy and have energy capsules that the sabers would run on.

Ian is the muscles of the team. He's signed up for gym programs more than anybody else on-campus outside the jocks. He's a bit emotional but just as he packs a punch, he can take an emotional attack. He would be the one that signs up the group for physical training, which is where the agility, strength and special movies would originate from.

The trio as a whole begin a bit weak as they're trying to pull off the moves they've learned. They would eventually do it without effort. Their plasma sabers can slash through the robots' metal with ease and can even do "blast slashes". If you're confused, look up "Mega Man X - Zero sprites". That's where I got the whole idea for the weapons from!

Tyler
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#966

Posted 24 July 2013 - 10:46 PM

QUOTE (Coat. @ Wednesday, Jul 24 2013, 16:18)
I feel like I should rebel against that and instead do my speech on why poems don't need techniques or need to make sense - as everyone perceives it in their own way. I'd probably get low marks but I feel it's right.

f*ck THE SYSTEM

TonyZimmzy
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#967

Posted 24 July 2013 - 11:02 PM

QUOTE (Eminence @ Wednesday, Jul 24 2013, 21:28)
Hey VP, your new thread looks insanely popular. Fourteen replies in a couple days! Pretty good going for this part of the forum.

I f*cking lol'd so hard.

Yeah, VP, what the f*cking sh*t, bro?

MacAshford
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#968

Posted 24 July 2013 - 11:10 PM

It should look cool in the end though smile.gif

Eminence
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#969

Posted 25 July 2013 - 12:28 AM

Perceptor - There are some interesting bits of information in there, but it's pretty difficult to try and chew through all of it because you're not grounding us upfront before launching into quite a lot of heavy detail.

On a basic level, what's this idea about? In just a sentence or two, what is the story?

Now, further than that, you mention seven factions, three of which are primary, all of which get equal screen time, each containing a plethora of characters, all of whom have their distinct skills, motivations, histories, etc. etc. etc.

I can tell you now, the way you've described it so far, it's too broad. Not only would this (potential) script not be picked up in this state, but you'll end up frustrating yourself because it feels like you're biting off a little more than you can chew. That's my impression, anyway.

You need to get to the core of it. Enough of a cast of dozens sharing equal screen time... who's your protagonist? Give us a strong, clear way into this world. You clearly have a strong vision for it; find the best way possible to share it with us.

PerceptortheShootist
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#970

Posted 25 July 2013 - 02:38 AM Edited by PerceptortheShootist, 25 July 2013 - 02:48 AM.

QUOTE (Eminence @ Wednesday, Jul 24 2013, 16:28)
Perceptor - There are some interesting bits of information in there, but it's pretty difficult to try and chew through all of it because you're not grounding us upfront before launching into quite a lot of heavy detail.

On a basic level, what's this idea about? In just a sentence or two, what is the story?

Now, further than that, you mention seven factions, three of which are primary, all of which get equal screen time, each containing a plethora of characters, all of whom have their distinct skills, motivations, histories, etc. etc. etc.

I can tell you now, the way you've described it so far, it's too broad. Not only would this (potential) script not be picked up in this state, but you'll end up frustrating yourself because it feels like you're biting off a little more than you can chew. That's my impression, anyway.

You need to get to the core of it. Enough of a cast of dozens sharing equal screen time... who's your protagonist? Give us a strong, clear way into this world. You clearly have a strong vision for it; find the best way possible to share it with us.

Alright, you certainly have a few points there.

I miscounted the amount of factions, there's only six. My bad. Here's the premise, simplified and condensed.

The protagonists are the heroes, along with their partners in season 3. The antagonists are everybody else but the gangsters. The gangsters are neutral. The main character(s) change every now and then. Sometimes it's Axcel, othertimes it's Donstien, and then the heroes as well. The show is mostly about a group of heroes trying to foil the plots of insert faction while that faction deals with their own problems. The antagonist role goes to The Dark Brotherhood for season 3, which is one of the seven factions. The Hero Trio pair up with another heroic group to go up against the new villains. The main antagonists revert back to the Axcel and Donstien empires in season 4. The new heroes from season 3 are gone.

AceRay
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#971

Posted 25 July 2013 - 02:52 AM

Sounds like we'll need a flow chart to keep up with which factions are aligned to each other. panic.gif

Eminence
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#972

Posted 25 July 2013 - 10:43 AM

QUOTE (PerceptortheShootist @ Thursday, Jul 25 2013, 03:38)
The protagonists are the heroes, along with their partners in season 3. The antagonists are everybody else but the gangsters. The gangsters are neutral. The main character(s) change every now and then. Sometimes it's Axcel, othertimes it's Donstien, and then the heroes as well. The show is mostly about a group of heroes trying to foil the plots of insert faction while that faction deals with their own problems. The antagonist role goes to The Dark Brotherhood for season 3, which is one of the seven factions. The Hero Trio pair up with another heroic group to go up against the new villains. The main antagonists revert back to the Axcel and Donstien empires in season 4. The new heroes from season 3 are gone.

It's still very broad, haha! You're skipping ahead to information that isn't so useful without some initial context. You need to be able to describe your idea at its most basic level. I still don't feel like I know the essential information about this. It's as if you were describing LOST based on the premise that "there are two factions, some seemingly supernatural occurrences, and time travel later on, and this and that..." -- without first saying it's about a group of plane-crash survivors stranded on a mysterious island!

Do you see where I'm coming from? You'll obviously know all this basic information, but we can't read your mind. Is this set present-day? Is it post-apocalyptic? Dystopian? Alternate universe? We need the big picture! Is it something like this --

In a near-future where government-controlled robot soldiers have monopolised organised crime, a made man pining for the days of old strives to build his own robot empire in order to restore justice to his once-great land.

I could be way off, but it sounds like that's where you're going. And that, in a nutshell, is a story.

PerceptortheShootist
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#973

Posted 25 July 2013 - 09:55 PM

Oh, I get you now! You're very close to the actual story but you simply got one detail wrong. That's my fault though. I can't believe I forgot the setting also, and I had it established in my mind as well! Just a little note, the government were producing the robots but never used them since they were stolen. Again, my bad.

In the 1990s, a made man has the urge to reach his goal of reviving integrity and justice into his homeland, provided with an empire of robots stolen from the government to help him get there.

How's that?

MacAshford
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#974

Posted 26 July 2013 - 11:22 AM

That's an interesting concept, it will be good to see it. Have you write a script before?

PerceptortheShootist
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#975

Posted 26 July 2013 - 06:35 PM

Other than hastily produced ones for crappy class presentations...no. I could really use some help with writing a script.

MacAshford
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#976

Posted 26 July 2013 - 09:19 PM

Ziggy and Eminence taught me so I think they could help you, I would have helped but I forgot most of it tounge.gif

Eminence
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#977

Posted 26 July 2013 - 10:18 PM

I'd start by reading this, this and most of the stuff here. All the same site, obviously. Should give you a decent grounding before you begin.

MacAshford
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#978

Posted 27 July 2013 - 10:06 PM

You're a good guy, Em. smile.gif

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#979

Posted 28 July 2013 - 09:23 AM

How is everyone going? I've been trying to focus on schooling at the moment but need to spend more time studying. Kinda hard when I want to finish the next chapter of Peasant Blurs. Just doing the finishing touches on my school speech on a poem I am doing which is based on the story of Icarus and Daedelus.

AceRay
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#980

Posted 28 July 2013 - 10:04 AM

QUOTE (boat coat)
Daedelus


Grr, that boss f*cking pissed me off in FFXII. I had to spend 5 hours leveling up my characters for that.

How about this for a pitch?

Cyberpsychos

The year is 2112. Tokyo is a cyberpunk dream, with neon lights piercing over a black night sky. However, it is also a brutal police state of Psycho-Cops run by a dictator named The Eye. The resistance is a group called Trackers. One ordinary twenty-year-old anime enthusiast Tracker, Kojiro Sakairi, is living a peaceful life when suddenly, a group of psycho cops kill him and capture his friends. Fifteen years later, 2127, Kojiro's mind is resurrected into the body of a KIL3001, the ultimate killing cyborg ever to be produced, a one of a kind model with dual katanas and a psycho gun built into his arm. He begins to discover Tokyo in a state of Civil war of endless fighting between Trackers and Psycho-Cops, with crimes being committed on both sides.

Kojiro is left with no option but to kill anyone standing his way.

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#981

Posted 28 July 2013 - 10:22 AM

I'm back after a week and some. Did I miss much? I'll throw up some critiques today to make up for lost time.

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#982

Posted 28 July 2013 - 11:10 AM

QUOTE (Ziggy455 @ Sunday, Jul 28 2013, 10:22)
I'm back after a week and some. Did I miss much? I'll throw up some critiques today to make up for lost time.

Thank you.

Eminence
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#983

Posted 28 July 2013 - 11:45 AM

AceRay - that's a pretty intriguing idea, I like it. Your specific wording could be a little more concise (should be able to pitch an idea in less than an entire paragraph) but it gets the point across well. You embarking on this project soon?

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#984

Posted 28 July 2013 - 01:17 PM

@AceRay - I also wanna see this. You should totally write it.

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#985

Posted 28 July 2013 - 01:29 PM

http://io9.com/two-s...illin-923728355

Two sentence horror stories. Pretty good.

MacAshford
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#986

Posted 28 July 2013 - 05:33 PM

Anyone read Dante's Inferno? I saw it super cheap at Tesco and decided to try it. It's just really complicated.

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#987

Posted 28 July 2013 - 05:53 PM

QUOTE (Vice President @ Sunday, Jul 28 2013, 17:33)
Anyone read Dante's Inferno? I saw it super cheap at Tesco and decided to try it. It's just really complicated.

It's dull as dishwater. I got it for Christmas and instantly regretted it.

Ziggy455
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#988

Posted 28 July 2013 - 06:23 PM

I like the content, but it is very dull to read.

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#989

Posted 28 July 2013 - 06:41 PM

I guess I'll just give it to my grandmother then. tounge.gif

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#990

Posted 28 July 2013 - 07:18 PM

QUOTE (Ziggy455 @ Sunday, Jul 28 2013, 10:22)
I'm back after a week and some. Did I miss much? I'll throw up some critiques today to make up for lost time.

Well I'm in a cast for six weeks after fracturing my knee. I'm still finding it hard to write.
So yeah welcome back




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