Yeah, that was really expected reactions. I had to work today, I really wish I had a chance to start this early. But whatever here's my IN DEPTH REVIEW
for my second crappy movie:
At the beginning the camera would show an ocean. Then a pirate ship would appear. On board are a bunch of cartoon characters, and what would ya know it? Pooh is the captain. That's right. Pooh is alive again, yes. I'll explain it in a moment. So they're just hanging out in the ocean when quickly they see land. On the land is a WWE Stadium. Yep. On top is wrestler Sheamus. He makes a terrible joke I made about Ireland when Pooh realizes he can't stop his ship. The ship crashes into the stadium, and since they are there already, Pooh just decides to stay for the show.
After the show, Pooh tells his first mate Piglet he is turning over captain status over to him. Why? Pooh is going to become a WWE wrestler. Even though Piglet protests, Pooh just walks back into the stadium.
So Pooh goes to Vincent McMahon's office. A joke in the script is that Mr. McMahon hates it when people are in their office when they aren't supposed to be. Pooh says that he wants to be in the WWE and McMahon laughs in his face. Pooh explains who he is: The guy that led a squadron of fighter jets to victory in the latest war. McMahon asks if it's the war between cartoons that had an enrollment poster in every department store. Pooh said he quit the army after nearly getting 2 of his friends killed.
He takes out a flip cam and it shows the final moment of the previous movie. Instead of getting hit by the train, they all jumped out of the car at the very last second. He then became a pirate. He has no idea why and he doesn't like it. Great choice of profession then. After such an emotional conversation McMahon decides maybe he can
get Pooh into the WWE, as long as he respect's McMahon's authority and defeats big stars. Pooh doesn't sound thrilled at all and when he tries to leave McMahon's office, he is blocked by Sheamus. Sheamus is angry that Pooh has hit him with his ship. Sheamus was the one that was angry to begin with and when he leaves, Pooh
is the one that "Isn't done with" Sheamus. But Sheamus just leaves.
Piglet is already at sea talking about baseball when a new ship appears!! On board that vessel is Bugs Bully. He is Bugs Bunny's evil twin. Bugs is Piglet's first mate. Piglet says that evil twins are put into movies when writers run out of ideas. Bugs Bully uses missiles to fight Piglet, and who else but the Incredible Hulk comes out of no where to help. The Hulk throws a rock and it knocks out Bug's Bully's assistant Little Bill. So Bugs Bully uses Little Bill as ammunition against Piglet. Little Bill breaks Piglet's pirate ship in this single hit. Apparently Little Bill can cause more damage than a missile. Well, the ship sinks.
Back to the WWE, Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler give exposition like they always do in real life, saying there is another new rookie that will reveal himself against Pooh. It heads backstage to Pooh. Randy Orton comes out to say good luck to Pooh. Orton was my favorite wrestler when I watched WWE. I had to insert him into the story, I apologize. When Orton says this Pooh gets defensive, assuming he will be attacked by Orton. Orton responds by saying he only attacks important people and Meatloaf.
Pooh heads down to the ring and we meet the other new rookie: It's the Jolly Green Giant. Except he now is named the Not-So Jolly Green Giant because his wife left him. He joined WWE to take out his anger. Pooh asks if they can talk it over and gets stepped on.
Pooh has been hospitalized as a result of being stepped on. Piglet visits him in the hospital. Pooh's injuries are as follows. This is exactly
how I wrote it: "Well, I got steped on by the Not-so Jolly Green Giant. He crushed every bone in my body, I lost my left lung, gullbladder, right kidney, and pancreas. I lost 300mL of blood and you can die when you get 301mL lost... this sucks."
A nurse brings in Pooh's lunch and Piglet makes a Mexican joke. Pooh is offended by the Mexican joke and it startles the person Pooh is sharing a room with. Pooh motions Piglet to see who it is. It's Bill Cosby. He does stereotypical Bill Cosby stuff and Piglet says how it must be unbearable, Pooh says to check out who is across the hall. Piglet leaves and checks out the room across the way. The person there is Ken Jennings, the guy that won a bunch of money in Jeopardy a long time ago. Ken apparently has some sort of smart disease because everything he says is something really smart. When Ken begins listing every decimal value in pi, Piglet leaves the hospital.
Next is another WWE moment. Jerry Lawler summarizes the previous 10 minutes of the movie just in case someone had gone to the bathroom then. He also says that the Not-So Jolly Green Giant has already won the Intercontinental Championship. Randy Orton is in the ring and suddenly Pooh comes out. He says that he can't believe he's better already. Sheamus comes out and actually makes a well written statement: "You have lots of nerves to come out here! Too bad I have to pinch all of them." Pooh isn't even phased by Sheamus until N.S.J.G.G. rips the roof off of the stadium. Sheamus says that he and N.S.J.G.G. are now tag team partners. He tells Pooh to find a partner for when the teams will face off later.
Pooh is now in the locker room wearing a restraint jacket in deep thought about partners. Orton comes in and agrees to being Pooh's partner after he asks only once. The way I wrote it with Orton sighing I guess I wanted the two to slowly grow partnership but that really ruined any chance of that.
We're back at sea again. All of Piglet's crew is in a little raft since the ship sunk. Over the previous scene, Piglet came up with the idea to steal Bus Bully's ship. They float to Bully's keep. Piglet climbs the side of the ship and at the top drops a rope for the others. As soon as the crew are in the ship they have been able to get it sailing. Just as quick a small raft is chasing after them now firing. They fight for a while and Piglet gets away with Bully's ship. They had barely gotten away from the little raft alive and Piglet says that they need to train to become better pirates. To fill this scene I just wrote (training montage).
Back at WWE, the tag team match is beginning. Pooh says to Orton he has a special finishing move and says he'll bring it out later. That's all the info on the move he gives Orton. I fill this part by saying (begin match. go for 3 min.) Pooh tags Orton in and they execute the special move. Orton pins Sheamus, and it looks like he and Pooh will have the win when the N.S.J.G.G. merely lifts Orton off of Sheamus and flicks Orton into Pooh. He then steps on them both.
Pooh is back in the hospital again. He and Orton have been conveniently placed in the same room. Not to mention Bill Cosby is there again too. Orton is disgusted at the idea of Bill Cosby and Pooh tells him to check next door. Homer Simpson, going from leader of the Adult's shows army in the last movie to a guy that blew his leg off with a homemade bomb, is in the other room. Orton tells Pooh they should just get better.
The next scene is blatantly copying a movie I assume I wrote right before writing this part. The giant is just walking somewhere at night when he falls into a pit. In some control room, a scientist says that there was a drastic weight change in pit 3.72101237991. The test goes on anyway. It turns out it is the sand test from Spider Man 3. The Not-So Jolly Green Giant transforms as a result from that to the Sandman.
Piglet said that they needed to gain more territory. They find the leader of the Penthouse Ship Fleet and fight them for 2:51 minutes. Piglet says it was almost too easy to beat them. Right after saying this Piglet is surrounded by Bugs Bully's $50 fleet. Piglet asks if the $50 meant that was the amount of money Bully spent on it. It actually means that Bugs Bully's fleet was 100 times better than 50 Cent. Piglet insults Bully's intelligence and Bully says he would sink them if it wasn't his ship they were on. Little Bill who somehow managed the attack from earlier asks Bully what they should do now. Bully tells them to leave. Why? Because Bully has the detonator switch from the first movie!! Told you it would stay relevant in the series.
The next scene starts with more WWE announcer exposition. It's been 2 weeks since the last WWE scene occurred. Sheamus and the N.S.J.G.G., who is now the Sandman, have won the Tag Team Championship. Orton and Pooh have recovered from their injuries. The announcers are interrupted by Sheamus and Sandman. Sheamus says that he and Sandman are the phenoms of WWE, and they want more title shots. Pooh and Orton come out to protest this. Pooh says that they'll have to beat him and Orton for #1 contendership first. Without Orton's consent, he put him vs Sandman in Hell in a Cell. Pooh will fight Sheamus in a ladder match. The first match starts already after the announcers summarize what just happened in case the crowd are complete morons. But first...
Piglet is discussing with Bugs Bunny how they need more ships for their Sinkhole fleet. Bugs says that he's known a guy for a decade, he builds stuff, but never a ship. At the guy's house the guy says the very same thing. Piglet says they will provide materials, and the guy says he will try. After one of those circle transition things the guy shows them the ship. It says in the notebook that it looks amazingly well built, but has a chicken leg holding the bow together. I don't get it either.
Next is one of my favorite parts of the movie. After docking the ship, Piglet goes home. He begins to put dishes in his dishwasher. He pauses dramatically and says "Wait a minute, I don't own a dishwasher..." Piglet then goes to the bathroom and turns on the shower. He looks in the mirror and takes off his captain hat (Hope your visual image of Piglet hasn't been ruined by adding this hat). When he moves the hat and can see the mirror again, his image is replaced by Michael Jackson's. Piglet screams. Michael Jackson says he is haunting people's houses because it is adequate excitement. He scares Piglet once again. Piglet enters his shower and stands there for a while doing normal shower scene stuff. Suddenly the shower curtain rips open. The psycho music plays, a dude is holding a knife, and Piglet screams yet again. It turns out that dude is Pooh, who is returning Piglet's butcher knife. Pooh really knows how to make an entry.
So Piglet asks how Pooh's match went. He takes out what I call a portable T.V. which now could easily just be a smartphone. On it it shows that both he and Orton won their matches, but Orton lost his arm. The doctors got it attached again, but Orton has to take 9 months to recover. I have no idea what the doctors are basing that recovery time off of since Pooh's horrific injuries healed in only one week. Pooh pretty much ends that with saying he needs a new partner. The conversation is cut off when Piglet's phone rings. Apparently, Bugs Bully's ship already got stolen. Pooh thinks it is his original ship, the Grande Bolas. It has taken me up until now to find out what "Big balls" was in Spanish. Piglet never told Pooh it had sunk. Pooh is in shock, and Piglet tries reassuring Pooh by saying he has a brand new ship. Pooh tells Piglet to just go, and Piglet runs out of his house. From outside, we can hear Pooh say "Michael Jackson?"
Next we're back in the WWE locker room and Pooh is talking to Orton on the phone when Sheamus barges in. Sheamus says Pooh doesn't deserve an Intercontinental Championship title shot. Pooh says he will easily beat William Regal. Sheamus laughs. He tells Pooh that Regal isn't the Champion. If you can remember, Sandman is. Pooh faces off against Sandman. He punches Sandman, but it nearly breaks his hand. Sandman says that since he is made of sand, his ego can be as solid as a rock or free as a cloud of dust. Pooh tells him to lay off the similes and fight. Pooh is defeated by Sandman.
Back with Piglet and the pirates, Piglet is asking Bugs Bunny how the Bugship was stolen. Bugs just says: "Well we were asleep and suddenly it was moving." Piglet says that their "safety net of safety" was gone with the ship back with Bully. This is evident because already Bugs Bully's $50 fleet is already attacking Piglet's ship. They fight for a while, and Little Bill tells Bugs Bully that if they don't retreat the ship will sink. So Bully retreats. Piglet's crew jump with joy. Piglet says they're going to attack Bully tomorrow.
Now on the WWE Pooh is finally facing Sheamus for #1 contendership for WWE Championship. They fight for 2 1/2 minutes when Pooh is defeated. Pooh is devestated. He goes home after the match.
It's the next day and Pooh turns on the news. For some reason national news is covering the WWE. Sheamus has won the WWE Championship. Pooh shouts "Nooooo!" very dramatically. He goes to the WWE and paces the locker room talking to himself. He remembers how Orton had told him that Sheamus was mental, and would do anything in the world to beat you. Wait, Pooh thinks, Orton didn't say that, he actually
said: "If you ever touch my waffles again I will RKO the life out of you." Sheamus comes in to gloat, and when he leaves Pooh sits down thinking how he had lost his touch after the war in the last movie. He gains confidence after hearing Orton's voice saying:"Remember to submit before the pin." I have no idea what it means, and it is never brought up again. It gives Pooh confidence, and he is prepared for his next match.
Back again with the pirates, they have found Bugship and are ready for battle. They fight for 2 minutes and then sees Bully with the remote detonator. Piglet tells his crew to stop firing. Bully doesn't know why they have stopped firing, then realizes he still has the remote detonator. He gets very cocky, even going as far as to tease Piglet's crew in 5 year old levels of immaturity. Little Bill tells Bully not to rub it in their face too much. Bully doesn't listen. Piglet asks Bugs Bunny why Bully is acting so immature. Bugs says, "What? He's an asshole!" Piglet suddenly gets an idea. Little Bill keeps telling Bully to stop acting like an idiot. Bully says he can do whatever he wants with the remote detonator, and he hoists it high above his head. Piglet now comes swinging in on a rope and he grabs the detonator out of Bully's hand. Piglet's crew cheers from the other ship as Piglet flies around on the other side... hitting a wall. He gets captured.
So Pooh is about to go in for his confidence boosted match when he is called by Bugs Bunny. Bugs says that Piglet has been captured. Pooh says he will be there right after WWE. Once he loses yet another match and yet another #1 contendership spot, he tries to leave the arena when McMahon sees him. Pooh is really trying to leave, but McMahon keeps him there long enough for him to tell Pooh that Orton wanted to give him the Money in the Bank briefcase. Pooh suddenly doesn't care about Piglet anymore, and he goes to tell Sheamus this.
Sheamus is cutting a promo about how awesome he is when Pooh comes out. He stands on the stage and explains how he got the briefcase and how he will see Sheamus at Wrestlemania. Some random narrating voice says that Pooh brought Sheamus back down to eath. Everyone complains about the narrating voice, so it goes away.
Now we find Piglet in a prison area on the Bugship. He finds that Dennis Anderson, Terry Labonte, and Alan Jackson are also trapped on this boat. Pretty random assortment of celebrities. Piglet hopes he can get out fast. Bugs then orders a raid on the Bugship. The entire crew piles onto the Bugship. For this scene I wrote (They go in and get Piglet it takes 5 minutes and play some sort of song.) Once they find Piglet they make for an exit. They come upon a fork in the place. Piglet bends over and picks up a fork. Some Bugship guards see them and the Sinkhole crew have to jump overboard. Bully sees this and is angry. Little Bill asks what they will do now. Bully says it is okay, they still have half a movie to kill them. That's right, we're only a little over halfway done.
I just found out something wild: That bird from Noggin is named Z. That will be easier to write than "the bird". Anyway the WWE is back on and Pooh is watching over an NXT rookie, even though Pooh is still a rookie himself. Who is Pooh's rookie? Ronald McDonald. Yep. Rabbit and Z, who you remember from earlier also survived, come in. Rabbit makes a joke and hears studio audience laughter. He asks where it's coming from? Pooh says he has to go watch his NXT rookie. Rabbit asks who it is. Ronald comes in saying he forgot his boots. Rabbit asks in a sarcastic way: That is really
your rookie? This gets more studio audience laughter. Pooh says that Ronald wanted him, but Pooh really wanted the sumo wrestler. More studio audience laughter. Z blinks. Pooh yells at Z for using such bad language, Ronald isn't that bad!
Jeff Burton out of nowhere shouts "THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK!!!!" Game show music begins to play and the audience cheers. What you're about to read about is the most pointless thing in all 4 of these movies. This is the game show That's What You Think. Jeff Burton explains the game's rules. They play the game and lose about 2 minutes later. All they win is a potato. The entire set is cleared. Pooh says they should just go and watch Ronald.
After Ronald's match the WWE arena breaks out into a riot, causing the entire structure to fall apart. Pooh finally agrees with Z, maybe Ronald is pretty bad.
Next we're with Piglet who is relaxing on a beach being lathered by bikini babes. Bugs Bunny comes in and tells Piglet they should worry about Bully and the detonator. Piglet ignores him, Bugs gets an awkward phone call, and then leaves Piglet to his bikini babes.
Back at Pooh's house, he is watching the news again. "In entertainment news Taylor Swift has been found killing a helpless fly. People are beginning to wonder when newscasters will talk about something actually important in entertainment. In sports, Sheamus is calling out his Wretlemania opponent." Pooh comments on how Sheamus should've run out of "Call outs" by now and goes to his freezer.
What follows is another funny moment in this script: Pooh screams. Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh is sitting in the freezer. Pooh says "What's next? Colin Mochrie asking for peanut butter?" There's a knock at Pooh's door. Colin Mochrie is outside and he is wondering if Pooh has any Bread
. Pooh walks back to his kitchen and says "What's next? Leonardo DiCaprio committing suicide outside my window?" Megan Fox walks up to the window and shoots herself. Eeyore who is still in Pooh's freezer says Pooh should just stop talking. Pooh agrees after shouting "When a million dollars rain down on me." Nothing happens. Pooh goes to the door to give Colin Mochrie the bread. Colin asks if Pooh has any jelly as well. Pooh slams the door on Colin, almost immediately it rings again. Pooh says "What now?" Eeyore is there, "Wait, how did I get here?" Pooh slams the door one last time.
It's finally Wrestlemania, and the announcers summarize the WWE portion of the film so far. Pooh and Sheamus come out to finish this, WWE Championship on the line. The match is neck and neck for 4 minutes. Sheamus takes out a lead pipe, and Pooh has to dodge it. Pooh manages to take down Sheamus without getting hit with the pipe and win the WWE Championship.
Here's exactly what I wrote for Sheamus's reaction to the title loss: "Uhgh... Ya ain't gettin the WWE Championship, and ya ain't never gettin the WWE Championship, ya see, I'm prying it from your lifeless hand." He brings out Sandman, and they are about to kill Pooh when RANDY ORTON runs out and KOs Sheamus. This makes Sandman really angry and he grows to humongous size. Pooh says they have to take Sandman like men, but Orton goes and hides behind a bush. It turns out there was an RPG behind the bush and Orton had hit Sandman before he stepped on Pooh. They keep Sandman at bay for a while and realize they will need a lot more firepower.
Right in the nick of time Rabbit comes flying in in a taxi with rockets. Pooh thinks they have no chance to lose when Rabbit is blown up by Bugs Bully and the rest of Bugship. Pooh curses his thoughts and Orton asks what they could possibly do now. Pooh looks at some papers and says they should look west in 10 seconds. Orton asks if that's the script Pooh's reading from. Pooh slowly hides the papers, saying nooo.
Right then, the Sinkhole's new ship attacks Bugship. Piglet isn't on the Sinkhole ship, and Pooh and Orton board the Sinkhole ship. The Sinkhole ship and Bugship go out to sea and begin to battle within a dramatic whirlpool with epic music playing. Pooh comments on how similar this was to the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
Sandman, now back to normal size, asks how he can help Bugs Bully. He just can't get wet. Bully doesn't need any help since he has the remote detonator. He hoists it above his head again. Piglet flies in in a little airplane and grabs the remote detonator once again. Sandman goes after Piglet. Piglet's water bottle flies out of the planes cup holder and covers Sandman in water. Sandman starts transforming into mud. He can no longer chase after Piglet and he falls to the sea below. Sandman completely muddifies, and he breaks apart in the waters.
Piglet jumps out of his plane and lands on Pooh's ship. He gives Pooh the remote detonator. Piglet walks off to go and get some more water. Pooh is about to put the remote detonator into a bag when Bugs Bully slashes Pooh with his sword. Bully slashes at Pooh, whilst telling Pooh about his hardships to get that detonator. After all the slashing, Pooh's stomach has wounds that spell out "dick." That's a 13 year old's sense of humor right there. He is pushed down by Bugs Bully and is about to be stabbed when Orton taps Bully's shoulder. Clearly annoyed, Bully turns around and gets RKOed.
Here in the final scene, Pooh is looking at the domain he's created and how he's defeated Bugs Bully. He wonders if Piglet even knows what's happened. Piglet was behind Pooh when he said that, and is offended by how much Pooh thinks he doesn't care. They get into a fight that most couples wouldn't even get into. The fight ends when Pooh says "f*ck you." Piglet responds by saying "No Pooh," pulling out a gun, and finishing with "f*ck you
A gunshot is heard and the screen would whiten. Pooh wakes up in his bed as his alarm goes off. He sits in bed thinking that it was all just a bad dream, when he looks over to see a Greek god in his bed. The Greek god says "I wouldn't count on it," Pooh screams and wakes up yet again, saying that it was all just a bad dream. He goes outside his house and is suddenly floating in space. Pooh says "Ok, this isn't right." He then bumps into a planet. The planet says "Oh, oh sure, you're in outer-f*cking-space with infinite room and you just have to run into me. Pooh screams once again and wakes up once again. He says to himself it was all just a bad dream. He goes outside his house and sees a giant eyeball. Pooh screams once again. As he screams the camera would pull out, seeing the States, the earth, continue pulling out into space showing the galaxy, many galaxies, and would pull out to eventually a black piece of paper, with a microscope and a man looking through it. The man would say: "Excellent! My experiment is working perfectly; Making multiple living organisms and scattering them out over a universe! I'm so
winning first prize in the science fair! And with that, he turns off the lamp on his desk, filling the screen with black, and ending the movie.
Geez, there's still two films left to go and I'm already questioning my sanity! I called these movies "Disaster Cartoon." It was a combination of Disaster Movie and cartoons. Clearly the plot went in a different direction. I left out a lot of random, unimportant scenes in the first movie's review, but did everything for this one. I like the pirate section for the story in this one, but could easily leave out any WWE part and all of the random 13 year old humor.
Well, did you like this one or the first one better? The third one I'll start up on tomorrow.
Edited by The Pizza Delivery Guy, 09 May 2013 - 04:17 AM.