Alright. If VProductions says so, here are my
summaries IN DEPTH REVIEWS
for my crappy movies.
Movie 1 takes place in 2009. Most of it in San Francisco. A war breaks out between cartoons rated for Adults vs. cartoons rated for Kids. Lead roles are: Winnie the Pooh, Piglet, Stewie Griffin, Elmo from Sesame Street, you get the idea. I counted one day and found out I wrote over 500 expletives in the first movie. The story I think is really neat. The main character (Winnie the Pooh) starts out as a fighter pilot for the Kid's Show Army when he is accused for the murder of an innocent, kicking him out of the army. He then befriends the secret agent that the government sent to keep an eye on Pooh. The agent over the course of the movie gives Pooh inside info on what's happening in the war.
During one of the early battles, there's a part where a traitor comes out. The traitors were shows that were rated the opposite of the enemy joined the enemy. The first one was the talking Moose from the old Noggin channel (Now Nick Jr.) Well, he goes to the Adult show's headquarters and gives Stewie Griffin, the leader of the Adult show army, a briefcase containing a detonator switch. This remote control detonator is the centerpiece of the entire movie series. It turns out the briefcase was empty and Moose that went in there was just a robot. The real Moose and the Bird from Noggin were escaping with the real remote.
Here, Stewie sends Cartman, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny from South Park after Moose. About 2 pages of the South Park kids yelling at each other until Moose crashes into a sign. After this both the armies go out in search of the detonator remote. A joke I play through the script is that Dora the Explorer, leader of the Kid's show army, wants to retain the "Family Friendly" look of kid's shows. So whenever she hears one of her troops swearing she will yell at them. She'll say something like: "Stop saying f*ck." Hilariously hypocritical.
The Kid's show army doesn't know why the Adult's show army is there. So when the Adult's show army finds the detonator remote and fall back, the Kid's show army has no idea why and doesn't chase them. So they all just go home. At home, Pooh meets the secret agent. The agent cuts a deal with Pooh. If he doesn't contact his best friend Piglet over the course of 12 months the agent will not arrest him. Pooh refuses at first, but the only other choice is 99 years in prison, so he makes a run for it in his 1970 Chevelle (Another thing that sticks throughout the series.)
Only after running does Pooh realize this stupid mistake. He calls Rabbit (Still from the Pooh show) and yells at him for reading ahead in the script. So now Pooh stops running, and his punishment is a 36 month extending of the original 12 month ban. After that Pooh goes to Rabbit and the two go to Long Beach. They see a man in the distance. Turns out it is Michael Myers. So they run away from him and get back to Pooh's car. It doesn't start of course, and they run away some more.
They go to a warehouse. Inside is the Moose. They spend all the time yelling at Moose because he is supposed to be dead, but they turn to see Myers in the doorway. Just in time Peter Pan swoops in to save the day. He then gets shot by Kronk from the Emperor's New Groove. Kronk then is burnt to ashes by Hercules. He is then sliced in half by Cruella DeVille. Then the Power Puff Girls kill Cruella DeVille. I assume I was really tired when writing this part. Pooh, Rabbit, and the Moose leave the warehouse.
The next scene is incredibly pointless when I write about what I learned in school that day. The South Park kids went to a Colorado coal mine of some sort and Kenny gets killed by a drag line. Dora sends in Pooh's fighter squadron consisting of Bloo from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Micky Mouse, and Little Bear. Pooh isn't there of course because...
He, Rabbit, and Moose are hiding behind a hanger of some sort while the opening for Vigilante 8E plays. They observe the scene and when it concludes are spotted by the Vigilantes. They are interrogated by the Vigilantes. Pooh states that he's the 3rd highest ranked fighter pilot in the Kid's show army, and is reacted by Convoy from the Vigilantes by a stereotypical old man response. It's a joke played in the script that Convoy is a complete moron and everyone has just gotten used to it.
Pooh explains how he didn't kill the person but Moose just goes crazy and tries to kill Pooh. Moose gets killed for real this time and the Vigilantes join forces with Pooh and Rabbit.
Now they are driving outside of San Diego explaining what happened between the two scenes. After a promotion for Easy Mac, Chassey Blue from the Vigilantes explains how they found the Bird dressed up as a crow. It would have been difficult to spot, had it not been playing a banjo. I don't get it anymore than you do. The blue-crow-bird thing explains to Pooh when he and Rabbit find the Vigilantes that Moose wanted to take over the world after the Kid's show armies blew the sh*t out of each other and would not be able to defend from an attack from his own force. If anyone ever watched Noggin, they would know that the bird doesn't actually talk, and just blinds. So all the characters just repeat in English what the bird Blinked.
Off they are onto adventure again, and the next scene starts with a sign saying Las Vegas 35 miles away. All at once Adult's show soldiers appear. They all hide and Pooh notices a very conveniently placed fighter jet nearby. He tells the others to search from the ground in the cars. He takes the jet and starts fighting from the skies and this song
plays. Soon enough the rest of Pooh's squadron appear after the battle and they fly off somewhere. I don't explain where in the notebook I wrote it in.
Next they show Stewie yelling at the South Park kids. Little later Chassey is there and starts to interrogate Kyle. Then she calls Cartman fat and then an amazing compilation of curse words are spat and Chassey gets shot.
Now Pooh is back with Rabbit traveling, and they are all the way in New York City. Quite the quick trip. 5 lines later they are in the center of yet another battle. These armies aren't messing around. One of the armies attack the empire state building causing it to collapse. He curses the Adult's shows, ignorant to the idea that the Kid's shows may have done it. It's never explained. Next over every radio, an alien transmission is picked up. Then Coyotes, the enemy of the Vigilantes, begin to attack the team. Rabbit asks if it is too late to back out of the team, and Pooh explains in grim detail how to get out of the group.
It would cut next to a hidden base with Stewie Griffin again. He is now commanding an army of Barbie Dolls. The Barbie Dolls shoot directly forward for some reason, killing most of them. That's about it for that section.
Now it shows the aliens landing. They come in peaceth. The aliens talk like they're 15th century poems. The aliens explain they come to earth to make friends with humans, eat cheesecake, and meet Aaron Carter. Aaron Carter is conveniently in New York at this time and greets the aliens. The aliens bow before him and explain how he is basically their God. Then out of nowhere the alien gets shot and the battle is back on again.
Stewie eventually retreats his troops. After the battle, Pooh returns to his home. Rabbit is nowhere in sight. He gets out of his car and is immediately confronted by the secret agent. Pooh is afraid at first, but the agent says he has good news. Apparently information had surfaced that Moose was Jigsaw from the Saw movies. The bird was paying for everything Moose did, and the parents of Jigsaw's victims demanded $1 million dollars for their losses. Well, apparently, Moose was not directly the killer, as he rounded up the Vigilantes
to actually find and capture the victims. Pooh complains to the agent that he brings a plot twist to the story every 27 seconds and then drops the subject entirely. Seriously. He asks the agent if he wants to go to the Super Bowl instead.
They do go to the Super Bowl in a literally impossible match up of the Chargers Vs. Dolphins. After the Chargers intercept for a touchdown, the half time show begins with very-unlikely-at-this-point-in-pop-culture AC/DC. Everyone is just hanging out having a fun time when the game is attacked by the Adult's shows. Everyone panics and Pooh's squadron rush to get their jets. Right away Pooh is called. It's the agent. He explains that it really wasn't
the Vigilantes that were Moose's cohorts. Just goes to show how good this agent is at his job. He only bases this on the fact that Adult's shows had stolen Chassey's car.
Pooh and his squad return to find Stewie on the field. Dora yells for Pooh to attack Stewie. Amazingly, Micky Mouse was able to get his plane in the air, but is hopelessly drunk. Pooh tells Little Bear to guide Micky to a landing. But as soon as this happens, Stewie hacks into Pooh squadron's radio and tells them to "catch him if they can." The Adult's shows fly away and the Pooh squadron chase after them. Very quickly they make it to the shores of Japan. The Vigilantes are already there fighting the coyotes. The Vigilantes find the South Park kids and interrogate them. They say that Stewie is in the plane above them and the Vigilantes use their hover pods to get up to the plane. The plane crashes into that pointy tower in Tokyo. Each side blames the other and Pooh's squadron return to SF in shame.
We're back at Pooh's house. Pooh is reaching for his phone when it rings. It's the agent, and he's being chased by Stewie's men. The agent can only spit out "Get out of San Francisco" before he is killed by Stewie's men. Stewie picks up the phone and tells Pooh that he has planted a bomb underneath San Francisco and pooh only has 5 minutes to get out. He gets Rabbit who had been in the shower (in case you were dying to know where Rabbit was) and they take Pooh's car. Pooh travels well over the speed limit and gets chased by police. When the bomb goes off, Pooh is far enough out to get shockwaved, but no damage. The police cars explode. Pooh shouts "Holy sh*t" when he speeds past a cop station. The cops lay out exposition before the scene blackens.
There's a random battle going on in Dallas, Texas. Pooh tells Rabbit to take the Bird to a safe place. He battles for a while. After winning, Pooh only sighs.
The next scene is something I had in my head over 3 years ago and never put on paper. I'll try my best to remember. this song
plays. There is no other sounds. Pooh is driving down a desolate forest road. He is having violent flashbacks of the war. Around 30 seconds into the song he comes upon a police roadblock. He steps out of his vehicle, puts his hands up, and is shot and taken down. He shakes himself out of a vision to show he's still driving. At around 1:15 of the song he stops outside of a bar. He goes in and talks to the waitress as the song ends. The bartender notices that Pooh looks gloomy and Pooh explains his role in this movie very well in one sentence: "I've gone through a whole lot of sh*t this week." The bartender gives Pooh a motivational speech and Pooh runs out of the bar.
Pooh is now at Rabbit's house in Los Angeles. John Torque of the Vigilantes calls Pooh to give the plot another random twist. Torque says he found out the original Adult's shows leader did not actually declare the war, but he was shot by Stewie and he was put in charge as a replacement. Torque also discovered that the Adult's found the remote detonator back in that earlier battle, finally ending the dramatic irony that even I forgot about at this point. Torque can't say anymore, because Pooh has to go and fight the big battle. The Adult's shows have sent their entire army, Air Force, Guard, and everything in between to Kid's Shows held Fort Knox.
The scene begins with Pooh's squadron flying out to Fort Knox. They talk to each other saying stuff like how the war has made them better pilots and friends and how they love each other. Just like every other opening to tragic scene in film history. I fill this scene by saying "Battle for 4 minutes."
After that Pooh says he is out of ammo, but sees from far away an approaching GMA (Green Mortar Anti-Ground) bomb. I know there's a joke in there somewhere but I can't remember. Apparently the only way to stop it without hurting anyone on the ground is for someone to fly out and stop it themselves. It is just like the latest Dark Knight movie
except 3 years early. They send Little Bear. I did this because Little Bear barely did anything at all and it wouldn't seem like such a loss if anyone else went, but that is what took away any of the tragic feeling because it wasn't a character the audience would have connected to. So to me now it just seems like a lame attempt to recreate the one mission in Ace Combat 5Homecoming with a death
So he's dead now and everyone in the movie is sad except Stewie who is amazed he took down one of those 4 unbeatable pilots. Ace Combat 5
. So there is sad piano music when suddenly the screen would darken. It would now show Dora the Explorer and Homer Simpson, the true leader of the Adult's shows army, making amends and ending the war. Everyone just stops fighting like that to listen in to the broadcast. When it's over they all are suddenly the best of friends, disregarding the fact they were fighting to the last man 30 seconds before.
Stewie yells at his assistant Elmo, who apparently turned over the power of the Adult's shows army back to Homer. Throughout the movie Elmo was very annoying to Stewie and most people watching would probably be very happy to see that Stewie finally kills Elmo here. With the war over, you'd think the movie would be over right? The best is still to come.
The next scene shows Pooh once again picking up a phone. Only the 5th scene to start like this. Remember how he wasn't supposed to interact with Piglet for 36 months? I don't blame you if you don't. Piglet somehow does remember, and protests to it. But Pooh says he couldn't help himself. 2 lines into the conversation, the door in Rabbit's house opens. You think the government was listening into Pooh's phone line? Nope. Pooh is forced off the phone and STEWIE'S voices comes on. Stewie says "This asshole has halted me for the last time." Piglet realizes he has to save Pooh's ass "again." I think I was referencing Piglet's Big Movie here, but I can't find the scene in my mind right now.
Pooh is drug off to his car in the garage. He finds that Stewie has already found Rabbit and The Bird. Remember the bird? Why he went after them and not Pooh's squadron, the ones who actually foiled Stewie's plans, I really can't remember. I guess it's just to get sequels to work out. He tells them to shut up, because he holds the key to their (and his) fate: The remote detonator.
The remainder of the film is practically identical to the ending of The Devil's Rejects, my favorite move of all time. I'm saying this once, so if you want to see the movie without spoilers, stop reading.Pooh, Rabbit, and the Bird are taken to Piglet's house. Pooh says that it is Piglet's house because you'd have no idea otherwise. They are taken inside and are strapped to chairs. Stewie brings up important battles in the war. He finds some sort of torture to accommodate the part the character played in that battle. The 3 main characters are brutally tortured for a long time until Stewie let's Pooh go. Pooh runs out of Piglet's house as Stewie covers Piglet's house in gas and lights a match. He sets the house on fire and goes out to chase after Pooh with an axe. Pooh hides in Piglet's tool shed when he finds Dora in there.
I said "what" when I read that. Now that is taking "stalker" to a whole new level. Dora guides Pooh back to Pooh's car, but gets axed by Stewie. Pooh runs off again, but Stewie shoots Pooh's leg and Pooh falls. Stewie climbs onto Pooh and beats him for all the things he had done in the war. Stewie then begins to choke Pooh. The view goes cinematic, the music is incredibly dramatic, and heartbeats are heard. When all hope seems lost, who else but PIGLET appears behind Stewie, lifts him off of Pooh, and then snaps his neck, finally killing him.
Now this songplays as Piglet comforts Pooh, who tells him to go into the house and get Rabbit and the bird. Piglet runs in and gets them out. Rabbit and the bird rush out to embrace Pooh in a tear wrenching reunion with the house burning in the background, that may or may not get a reaction from the crowd this time. Pooh thanks Piglet for everything that he has done, which was nothing before a minute ago.
Battered and bruised, all of them climb into Pooh's car. Before Pooh leaves he pulls alongside Piglet, asking him if he's sure about leaving. Because remember, the government was supposed to be listening to Pooh. Piglet nods and Pooh says "We'll come back for you." Piglet sees them off, and he walks into his burning home. As Pooh drives away, the house explodes in the background.
If you've seen the Devil's Rejects, you'd know the Free Bird scene. If you haven't, watch the movie first. The Free Bird scene will ruin the entire movie for you if you don't. This scene play nearly identical to the one in The Devil's Rejects, music and all, except with flashbacks from the war, like earlier in the movie. Eventually Pooh comes upon a police roadblock, like in his vision. I guess the government was listening after all. Pooh looks back to Rabbit and the bird. He thinks about all he had done in the movie, and wasn't going to stop for the government. He finds some guns. He takes a desert eagle, rabbit gets a shotgun, and the bird gets an M-4. They are about to make their epic final stand when a train comes out of nowhere, hitting the car and killing all 3 instantly. That's where the movie ends.
Whew! That was quite the long summarization. Like I said at the start, I really like this movie's plot, but my 12 year old mind butchered it. I would like to rewrite it with original characters and better twists. I really want to, but I don't think I'd do it the right way. There are 3 more movies to summarize after this one. This was 65 college ruled notebook pages long. It was great to revisit this after so long and it was fun to rewrite. I will definitely do the other movies. Well, what do you guys think?