|QUOTE (AceRay @ Friday, Mar 15 2013, 19:49)|
|QUOTE (Mokrie Dela @ Friday, Mar 15 2013, 23:40)|
|QUOTE (AceRay @ Friday, Mar 15 2013, 03:57)|
| Colours are seriously easy to do and only take around two minutes of copy and pasting on [URL=http://www.tektek.org/color/]http://www.tektek.org/color/[/URL] I've started to do all my titles for stories with colour shifts to add a little flair and personal touch. The only downside is that it makes quoting a b*tch as you can't see the actual words (try quoting this post to see what I mean). |
However, the big ----------- in the first post stretches the screen a little and it would be nicer if it was shorter.
Yeah it's a nightmare to read on my phone
I had no idea such a website exists! I retract my previous statement
So did you think he sat there and typed every single letter in a different colour individually so it would be a gradient?
Haha, i think i actually did for a moment.
Oh my, how embarrassing.
To review the latest chapter.
The first few sentences feel very expositional to me. Very list like. You're throwing information at us and hoping it'll stick, and to be honest, it's not.
"Marc climbed of the limo, Connor followed silently. Marc's father waited patiently" - Bread, Milk, Cheese, Dinner for tonight - it feels like a shopping list and is about as interesting as one. That's not to say that what you've got in your mind is bad - just that you're opening the window a crack, and throwing bits out. Instead, open the door, and invite us in. Have Marc climbing out of the limo an event, not a news report. Have him step out, stretch, or yawn, or blink at the sunshine, and have connor involved in this.
"Marc climbed out out of the air-conditioned comfort of the Limo, into the dry heat of the midday sun. He had grown accustomed to the tinted windows blotting out the sun, and blinked at the sudden assault on his eyes. Behind him, like a loyal dog, followed Connor, seemingly less affected by the transition. Marc's father stood patiently, his arms folded, watching with judgmental eyes as the men disembarked. He was physically unremarkable; of medium height and build, the averaged middle-aged man.
"This is my father......"
A lot more detail in there (maybe too much) but i think it's more immersive - i think it tells us more than a little list.
Also now for a lesson I learned not too long ago:
|"This is my father, Joey Leone." Marc revealed happily.|
This is a very subtle thing, but important, and you'll notice it from now on:
When there is speech, followed by anything of addition, the speech should end in a comma:
|"This is my father, Joey Leone," Marc revealed happily.|
Think of it as an action, then description, or imagine it without the inverted commas:
|This is my father, Joey Leone. Marc revealed happily.|
See that? It looks odd. Two sentences that should be one.
|This is my father, Joey Leone, Marc revealed happily.|
There we go, one sentence. Add the inverted commas back in and voila!
anything with speech then, "he said" "he shouted" "she smiled" - even: "No," his eyes said. Anything that's connected if you will, is separated by a comma.
If theyre separate though like: "This is my father, Joey Leone." Marc pointed at the man - these are two separate statements.
"This is my father, Joey Leone." Marc pointed at the man.
"This is my father, Joey Leone," Marc said, pointing at the man.
Hope that all makes sense.
Later on i see this:
|"But the paperwork is here, isn't it?" Connor questioned.|
What you've done here is the same thing twice.
It's clear that this is a question. There is NO need at all to say "Connor questioned" because we know it's a question. If you feel you need to define who's talking here, then throw in an action:
"But the paperwork is here, isn't it?" Connor raised his eyebrows
"But the paperwork is here, isn't it?" Connor held his hands out.
Again hope that makes sense.
A lot of dialogue here, and no real action - which isn't bad - but in danger of becoming a bit tedious. I recently wrote a long dialogue based chapter and when i proof read it, realised that it's a bit... boring. The information's being conveyed, the dialogue needed, but nothing happened. A good way to get past this is with little actions and maybe even disagreements. Have people walk around, show us their movements and emotions, have their words carry emotion - anger, confusion etc. Writing dialogue can be hard at times because, unlike actors on a screen, one word can't convey too much emotion or meaning, like it can on an actor's face. Instead we have to convey such information with description.
"Did you hit him?"
what does that tell us? nothing
"Did you hit him?" Her eyes burned as much as the question did. He couldn't meet his mother's gaze Instead of looking around, he simply looked down.
"No," he said, barely able to keep his voice from breaking.
What does that tell you? More i think.
I think this work is like a bit of fruit. It's not quite ripe yet, and tastes a little bitter. I think if you work a bit more, it could taste so sweet and juicy