Quantcast

Jump to content

» «
Photo

A Question by Johm

2 replies to this topic
H.I.M.
  • H.I.M.

    ☻The Steaked MC. ☺

  • Members
  • Joined: 03 Dec 2012

#1

Posted 05 March 2013 - 11:26 AM

This is my first poem here. So if I do have made ay mistake tell me.

I came to the city
With the people almighty

It was Christmas time
But all I had was a dime

They saw me on the street
And they took me in

They showed me their palace
And showed me their jewel, Baby

Baby was kind to me
And I was to him

Together we would talk & play
Together we would study all day

"Jack & Jill" we sang together
"Puss in Boots" we read together

Together we passed second grade
Together we passed third grade

But one ting bothers me forever
I think I will find the answer never

Baby who was in third grade
Goes to school for the fourth

But when will I, who passed third grade
Go back to school for my fourth?

-H.I.M.
-------------------------------------------------------------

The poem "A Question by Jimmy" by H.I.M. is a poem about a poor boy who comes to the city to find a job for his game of survival. He begins working as a servant for a rich family who have a son of their own known to John as "Baby. Both of them attend to school and both of them study their lessons well. Both of them pass their primary exams well but John has to halt his education due to discrimination of social class. Here we see a poor child who is clever and loves to study being employed as a servant for a rich family to earn money and faces unfairness in his life since he's deprived of his education. " Baby" who is from a high social class is well accepted in the society but Johns's class is neglected . Here we see total discrimination of high class and the low class.

But however we see that these sort of classes or status doesn't exist in the little world of little children who are pure of heart. We see how John and "baby" studies together, goes to school together, plays together but in the end poverty makes his move making John hopeless....
-------------------------------------------------------------

This is my first poem here in this site and I hope it sounds good. I'm pretty sure I made some mistakes so please point them out. smile.gif


Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    МОКРЫЕДЕЛA

  • Members
  • Joined: 01 May 2009
  • None
  • Most Talented Writer 2013
    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#2

Posted 05 March 2013 - 12:11 PM

not bad. One thing that gets me though is how it's such a wooden rhyming pattern - each couplet is on it's own and doesn't feel attached to the rest of the poem, like a list of lines. It feels like you're trying TOO hard to rhyme, and done so my writing two lines, then another two, and it just doesn't feel connected.

H.I.M.
  • H.I.M.

    ☻The Steaked MC. ☺

  • Members
  • Joined: 03 Dec 2012

#3

Posted 05 March 2013 - 12:31 PM

Yeah I did try a lot to rhyme..I will edit it out and lose the stress.

Thanks for the reply!




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users