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Heat

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Master of San Andreas
  • Master of San Andreas

    Leaving with a big bang, you guys rock.

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  • Joined: 07 Jul 2012

#1

Posted 27 February 2013 - 02:10 PM

Poem I wrote for a school project,thought I'd share this with you guys:

"There's alot of heat,
So much that I can't even take a seat,
Walkin' on the ground -
It's soooo hot,
My feet's aching alot,
My body's on fire -
You might call me a liar,
But no,I'm not,
'Cause there's too much of heat!

The Sun's burning,
My stomach's churning,
Wishing for the rain -
To take away the pain,
...And there's the rain,
And there goes the pain,
But now I have another problem -
THERE'S TOO MUCH OF COLD!"
- Master of San Andreas

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

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  • Most Talented Writer 2013
    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#2

Posted 27 February 2013 - 08:19 PM

I like the turn around at the end. It delivers a sweet taste of irony, and caps it off well.

I can't say i like "soooo" though, and a few of the rhymes feel a little forced - like you HAD to find a perfect rhyme, when a near one would do. It also feels like you've restricted yourself to rhyming within couplets and not letting yourself move much.

""There's alot of heat,
So much that I can't even take a seat,
Walkin' on the ground -
It's soooo hot,
My feet's aching alot,
My body's on fire -
You might call me a liar,
But no,I'm not,
'Cause there's too much of heat!"

First two lines - the first couplet - rhyme within. Then there's an odd line, rhyming with nothing. perhaps it would have beenbetter merging that with the next. It just feels unbalanced.

But know this: "Heat" doesn't have to be followed by "feet" "seat" (or getting more crafty, "Defeat" "Conceit"...)
You could use looser rhymes, like "See" or "Concede" or "each" - they could work.

But this is a simple piece, and isn't trying to be anything more. It's sharp and straight to the point. no subtly here, and i kinda like that. It's like a mcdonald's cheeseburger - it's not going to make me reassess my own writing, and isn't the best i've ever heard (that honour goes to edgar allen poe), but it damned well hit the spot!

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