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3NT3R TH3 3NGIN3

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VProductions
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#1

Posted 10 February 2013 - 10:25 PM

3NT3R TH3 3NGIN3

(A short quick piece, used a cliffhanger because I might extend it one day.)

I chewed the beef, that's not a euphenism, it was lunchtime at the office. I hated it, eating infront of my co-workers, the offices were scruffy and unclean. I really hoped I didn't catch a disease, I wouldn't be the first. Caersa Bearsar, literally the most unproductive offices in the whole of Avalon City. But it is like a second home to me although I would rather be homeless. If I didn't need the money, I'd leave this place and never set foot inside again.

I dropped my burger and bashed at the keyboard, most of the keys were missing. The company's owner 'Mikhael Depre' keeps preaching to us, he thinks we are going to make a scientific breakthrough. The offices have nothing to do with science, he hasn't left his room for almost a year, he is constantly making sketches of multiple different boxes. Me and the co-workers joke about him being obsessed with cardboard.

He has the strangest items delivered to him, like really strange. Human blood, syringes and rare crystals; we have no idea how he can afford the items. Some of us even believed he was a vampire but we hardly knew him, still cash and job is all we wanted. My word processor appeared on the computer screen after a minute of patiently waiting. I dreaded the end of my shift, having to meet my boss.

I had avoided him for months. My screen squealed and turned off. Annoyed, I slammed my hand on the wooden desk which then collapsed into rubble. Stupid desks, they were older than me. Nobody seemed to care. I strolled over to the elevator and thumped the button. The old metal elevator creaked and appeared, the doors opened with a loud squeak.

I stepped inside while my co-workers glared at me covering their ears, I didn't need to press anymore buttons due to the elevator having only two stops: The office and Mr Depre's room. Music started to play from the small radio in the corner, it seemed to have only one channel and only one song. Mister Sandman, that old tune from the 50's. That song sent a chill down my spine each time I heard it but I wasn't in any mood to complain, having to leave work early.

The more time I had in work, the less time I had to spend with my obese wife in our trailer. My life was already over and before my twentieth birthday, not that made any difference. I always knew I wouldn't amount to much.They say everyone has a secret, my secret... I was told when I grew up that I was a Queswallist, I never knew what that meant but I was also told to keep quiet about it.
The elevator stopped at Mr Depre's room. I stepped out and looked at the room, it was pitch black. No light anywhere, except the elevator.

“Mr Depre?” I asked, confused and waddling further into the darkness.”Are you there?”

“Ahh, Zane.” Mr Depre whispered, whilst remaining in the shadows.

“Have you not got a light?” I questioned sarcastically, taking a step backwards away from his voice.

A set of red lasers filled the room, blinking quickly like strobes. I caught short glimpses of Mr Depre; of his long scraggly blond hair, of his massive glasses, of his crooked nose. The lasers stopped and a bright light switched on above him, lighting the room. I rubbed my eyes and shimmied towards the creepy old man. I scrutinized the room, there wasn't much inside, just essentials.

“Ha, come with me!” Mikhael demanded and led me to another room.

He flicked a lightswitch and smiled. I didn't have a clue what was going on, the room was empty. He clapped once and a podium appeared in the center of the room. Atop the podium lay a green metallic cube. Mikhael dashed up to it and lifted it away. He shoved it in my face.
“I call it the 'Engine', isn't it beautiful?” He muttered.

“Well, what is it?” I asked patiently.

“This device can change the past, the present and possibly the future”

“How exactly?” I wondered.

“I can't say, but I can show you”

Mikhael jabbed a syringe into my arm and very quickly took some blood. He placed the cube back on the podium.

“What the f*ck are you doing?” I shouted.

“I know you're a Queswallist.” He whispered.

“No, your in on the joke to huh.”

“The Queswallists are no joke, Zane.”

“What do you mean?”

“We have a bloodline dating back to the start of time”

“But why take my blood?”

“Watch!”

Mikhael dropped a drip of my blood on to the 'Engine', it began to glow green and illuminate the room.

“I don't understand” I said confused.

“The blood of a true Queswallist will activate the Engine'” Mr Depre stated.

“I can see but what does the Engine do?”

“It allows a true Queswallist to travel back in time or to alternate universes, the world is a mess. Zane, you can fix it.”

“I'm just pathetic, I have no life and even if I do. Whats in it for me?”

“A future, as you know there are many sick people in history. Maybe they could have been neutralized. As you enter, you must neutralize all of the targets before you can exit.”

“I am not entering anything!”

“Just touch the cube!” Mr Depre ordered.

I crept up to the pulsating cube and cautiously pressed my hand down to it. My eyes closed as I feared the worst...

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    МОКРЫЕДЕЛA

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    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#2

Posted 25 February 2013 - 12:06 PM

Bit of a shakey start, it felt very mundane, even lacking slightly, but there was a mystery to it. I'm getting themes similar to the Matrix and Assassin's Creed - were either part of your inspiration?
My intrigue wants to see more. Writing first person can be difficult, but offers you a more intimate viewpoint - i say that because I find I have to work harder with first person stories.


VProductions
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    Mack Pimp

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#3

Posted 13 March 2013 - 07:07 PM

QUOTE (Mokrie Dela @ Monday, Feb 25 2013, 12:06)
Matrix and Assassin's Creed - were either part of your inspiration?

Totally, thanks for the feedback. I looked back at this and I really think the speech sounds rushed. I might edit soon.

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    МОКРЫЕДЕЛA

  • The Yardies
  • Joined: 01 May 2009
  • None
  • Most Talented Writer 2013
    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#4

Posted 13 March 2013 - 11:58 PM

As i said, first person writing i find difficult. You have to have your character bang on, and be in his/her shoes, but i think it's a challenging viewpoint. MY advice is patience - write it, take a week away (by all means write more) then come back, read it, edit, leave it a week again.

I tell you what, two of my favourite books are the first two splinter cell books (Splinter cell & Operation Barracuda). they're not hugely well written, but it's all in first person, and dammit, it's like sam fisher's talking to me. If you get it right, it can be awesome!

VProductions
  • VProductions

    Mack Pimp

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 28 Oct 2012

#5

Posted 14 March 2013 - 03:52 PM

I will come back to this soon but I am putting something ahead for now. I think the reason I end up leaving so much is because I post as I write, a better way for me is to get further in to a project to post. I have been working on a vice city fan fic, set in 3rd era, it pretty much sums up the end of the era. I know the fan fic is the best idea I have ever had, I spent the last two weeks away from GTAForums to brainstorm all of my ideas, the fan fic is what I have planned by mixing my ideas and swapping some characters around. I wrote two chapters and planned around fifty so far, short chapters of course. If I can reach ten chapters I will post because I know that I will carry on. Bloggers Paradise is cancelled, I don't think it would have gone anywhere anyway.




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