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Improving a fight scenario

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ViceCityMobster86
  • ViceCityMobster86

    One crazy mofo

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#1

Posted 30 January 2013 - 05:25 AM

I recently posted this else where, I have got some interest but not much. How can I improve these for later follow ups so I can get more general interest in my fights.

It has been two years since the events of GTA Vice City, Tommy Vercetti and his gang have been ruling the Vice City underground with an iron fist. Tommy begin to strengthen his grip by hiring ex military mercenaries as enforcers. They helped to quickly ended the turf war the Haitian gangs waged against Tommy and his Cuban allies. Tommy began to expand his business outside Vice City making connections in Liberty City, Carcer City and Las Venturas. During this time, Tommy found out that one of his business associates in Carcer City was working with the Federal Investigation Bureau and an new task force on organized crime. Through a corrupt connection in the FIB, Tommy is given the time and location of a meeting between two FIB investigators, his former associate and his lawyer at a law firm in Carcer City. Tommy decides to use this as an opportunity to make an example out of anyone who attempts to work against him and the interests of his criminal empire. Tommy, five of his hired mercenaries who are former Italian Special Forces operatives and nine members of the Vercetti Crime Family all board Tommy's Lear Jet and fly to Carcer City.

Tommy and most of his Mercenary team are armed with SA-80 Rifles are there main weapons including bayonets, Tommy opts for Colt Python as his hand gun of choice and a Ka-bar knife for melee combat. The rest of the mercenaries use Beretta 92s as there side arm of choice and carry KM2000 knives and ballistics knives. The Mercenary Team Sniper is armed with an Accuracy International Arctic Warfare Magnum, a Desert Eagle, KM2000 and Ballistics knife. Tommy's Mafia henchmen are armed with Uzi 9mms, Colt Commanders and varying knives. All have body armor, Tommy and all his henchmen are in full tactical gear including kevlar helmits and trauma plates. All of Tommy's strike team has M67 grenades.
There are ten FIB Agents in and around the law firm building. They are armed with MP5K SMGs, Glock 17 pistols and Remington Model 870 shotguns, along with tasers. There are also twenty five security officers mostly armed with Beretta 92s, batons and pepper spray. However, many of the security guards are not well trained or experienced
with firearms. The FIB agents have Kevlar vests with trauma plates while many of the security guards are poorly armored or completely unarmed.


The law office has three doors, one is the main entrance, a side entrance/exit and an emergency exit in the back. Tommy's plan is to send his Mafia goons into the front door to create a diversion while a hired goon in a van uses jamming equipment on the FIB's communications to prevent them from calling in back up, Tommy and his mercs go in through the side door. The team sniper is assigned to guard the emergency exit to prevent escapes. Tommy and his mercenaries sneak in by the side entrance as Tommy stealth kills a security guard outside the door, one of the mercenaries is defeat the electronic lock and enter without activating the alarm. Tommy's Mafia henchmen attack via the front door, beginning the assault, running mostly into the hired security guards. The van parks outside and quickly the technician inside activates the jammers, jamming the police and FBI radio frequencies while one of the mercenaries has already cut the phone lines. Tommy and his team have radios operating outside the jammed frequencies allowing for communications between his teams.

With the assault under way, does Tommy's plan work or can the agents and guards stop the assault despite being caught off guard?

I do plan on adding quit a bit of gore for the fight aftermath but other than that I have little in the way of ideas.

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    МОКРЫЕДЕЛA

  • The Yardies
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#2

Posted 30 January 2013 - 11:40 AM

Firstly, I haven't seen you in these parts before, so welcome smile.gif
Secondly, let's have a word about fan fiction. In this section of the forum, fan fiction is often shunned by the "real" (i hate that) writers. I don't fully understand why - it's a legitimate genre of writing, perfect for these forums etc. But you're going to find it difficult to get writers to give feedback on this. Ask yourself, does this HAVE to be GTA fan fic? Can Tommy not become a character of your making, set in Miami, inspired by Vice City? I know such a question won't go down too well, but if you think you can swap the names/locations around, then perhaps consider it. If you feel it has to remain, then stand by your conviction.

I see you've done what I do - too much detail with the weapons. The reader is at risk of getting bored - it's like reading a mercenary's shopping list. Ask yourself, is it crucial that we know all that? How many people have enough knowledge of firearms that specifying each weapon will change the story? Does the fact that it's a Beretta have an impact on the story more so than if it's a Glock? It's good that you're trying to give the reader a lot of information, but it's too much, and in too many words.
I think the description of the weapons could be a lot shorter and sharper.

"Whereas the mercenaries were armed with SA-80 rifles and Berretta 92 pistols, Tommy preferred his revolver. It didn't have the same ammo capacity, but it was unrivaled in stopping power."
That's about all you need (though that example isn't brilliant, i hope you can see my point).


Two things that stood out , one pretty major:

Tense - i've noticed you say "Tommy begin to strengthen..." then "they helped.." - this is an easy mistake to make, and a forgivable one for new writers, but one you want to get on top of ASAP. Make sure you write in the same tense - Past or Present (or future, but that's rare and very difficult to make work, so ignore that).
You also missed an "S" on begins - or perhaps that's a simple typo, I and U being next to each other, in which case you need to go through the editing and proof reading process.

Decide firstly what tense. Then, make sure you stick to that tense. Are you saying "this has happened" or "This is happening" Past or present.
"Tommy begun to strengthen" or better yet, as this is referring to a past event, "Tommy had begun"
Past tense is the most common for stories like this, i think it's the easiest to write in and to read, so I'd suggest sticking with that. "Tommy's plan was to send..." etc.

Spelling/incorrect words - Again this is a simple mistake and one even people like Tom Clancy or J K Rowling would make. I have even seen published books where this has not been fixed! But it's easy to fix. First instance i saw was "there guns" - wrong word, it should be "their". Although these are simple mistakes, they will turn readers away quickly, especially these days when you've got grammar nazis! Proof reading should pick this up.

Also a word on the "action" - you're telling us what Tommy's plan is, so when that happens the reader is going to be "right so now he... yup. I've read this." People don't like reading the same bit again. The only time revealing a plan like that works is when sh*t goes horribley wrong and you want to emphasize how wrong it's gone. the plan might be "We go in, mafia make distraction, goon pulls up in van, jams equiptment, I go in back.." But then what really happens is: "The front door's locked, so they shoot it out, alarming people indoors, and people flee out the back. The van that's been sitting waiting was reported as suspicious and a cop has pulled it over, thus delaying it. The FBI see the commotion at the door and move in, forcing tommy to rethink things.

If things go according to plan, it's better to not tell us the plan, but simply have it unfold as it happens, only referencing to a plan.


Proof reading/Editing
This can be hard to learn, especially for inexperienced writers. Firstly read stuff - there is a LOT of works in this section of the forums, from my own fanfics (in my sig) to one shot works that take 5 mins to read. most have been critiqued, and their errors pointed out. Read them, see the errors and learn how to spot them, and why they're wrong.Invest time to writing short stories to build your skill - original works will get read by the best writers here, not FFs.

When you edit your own work, you may have to do so in more than one go. Firstly, when you've written something, leave it. Put it away, walk away from it, write something else or whatever. Leave it a few days, a week or two, as long as you can. Then come back to it fresh, and read it, first of all looking for spelling errors and incorrect words "They're There Their etc" Correct these, then either leave it a day or so or re edit.
The second edit, look for tense and view point (see below). Make sure you don't jump from past "he did this" to present "he does this" and if you do, fix it.
Thirdly read through it to make sure you're writing it as best you can. "His gun was a Beretta, and he pulled it out confidently, aiming it at the head of his enemy as he looked down the sights. He pulled the trigger, hearing the gunshot, and the man fell." That could become: "He drew his Beretta and confidently took aim at his enemy's head. He pulled the trigger and the man fell." again, it can be edited down "He drew his Beretta and confidently took aim. With no hesitation he pulled the trigger and watched the man fall." - even that can be improved but i think you get my point.
You might have to read through something 3 or 4 times, with a final check afterward, but the quality will show and with practice you'll be able to spot all those things in one read through.


View point - think of this where the camera is. Who's story is is. If it's Tommy's, then everything should be through his eyes, allowing a personal touch. There fore the reader won't know every bit of gear the FBI have - most of it can be guessed at and if you say "The FBI agent pulled out some pepper spray" people will believe it because it's logical, where as "The FBI Agent pulled out a chainsaw" people will be like 'hang on a minute'. So there's no need for the list of the FBI's gear imo.
If you're using "God's eye" point of view - that's where the reader sees EVERYTHING - then there's not much to surprise us. sometimes it's easier to write that way, sometimes not. I'd consider that - would it be better if the story, though Tommy's eyes, only saw what he'd see? In VC for example, we never saw Vance making a deal behind Tommy's back, in IV, we never saw Dimitri making deals with Bulgarin or Petrovic, so when certain events resulted, it had more impact, more surprise.

Writing action is difficult as you have to convey a lot of information quickly. Only say what is crucial. Action scenes should be introducing a lot of new information but referring to old ones. If you describe Tommy as holding a revoler, and his enemy wearing a red shirt, you can saY
"Tommy's revolver sought out the next target. His ears were ringing from the reports of the weapons, and gunsmoke filled the room.
A flash of red caught his eye and he turned seeing <NAME> running for the door. He fired, but his bullets found nothing other than the floor in <NAME>'s wake. He shouted a curse and ran after him."
it can be tricky and practice will get you there. As i said, read other peoples works, and look into writing shorts to help you improve.

If i've missed anything out or you have questions, hit the reply button and i'll try my best to answer them smile.gif




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