|QUOTE (Master of San Andreas @ Monday, Jan 28 2013, 13:53)|
| I cannot use professional words or something like you guys do. |
Yes, you can. Words are just words. If you see a word you've not come across, look it up and learn it
| The Story of the Mafias |
The story of Salvatore Leones gang,how it began how it rose to power.The story is set in 1962,nearly 40 years before the events of GTA III and the downfall of the Mafia gang
Chapter One - The Begginning
Snow is falling out of Salvatore Leones window.The window is almost obscured with white snow.Snow is frequent at this time in Liberty City.Salvatore is sitting on a couch,deeply absorbed in a book.Suddenly,there is a knock on the door.
"Enter" said Salvotore
Three things i've noticed immediately. Firstly, get your tenses right. "Snow is
""Enter" said Salvatore"
A mix of present and past tense. Pick one and decide:
"Snow was falling...
"Enter," said Salvatore"
"Snow is falling...
"Enter," Says Salvatore."
The second is (I pointed this out to someone before, was it you?) the lack of spaces after commas and full stops. See how i've written this? See the spaces? Not: Like this.It is not correct.
The third is the lack of some punctuation. Taking into consideration you're young, it's a fair enough mistake, and one you're best off sorting out now!
| A man is a blue T-Shirt and a blue pant enters,his hands were very dirty and his face bore marks of black paint. |
A spelling error here - had you given this a proof read? It can be hard to learn that skill, so be patient.
"A man in
a blue T-Shirt and blue pants..."
Also consider this: "His hands were very dirty." - is that the best you can do? I think you're capable of more. Why are his hands dirty, and from what? Dirt under the fingernails, or paint? General grit? "His hands were covered with patches of dried paint." perhaps?
| "Evening Mr.Gotrelli" said Slavatore greeting him. |
I personally don't like seeing "Mr" written in stories. Mister is better imho, but then that's my PERSONAL opinion. Either way, if you do use "Mr" as said above, remember the space after the "."
Liugi gave a small smile and then headed to the basin to wash his hands and face.Salvatore meanwhile went over to a table and poured two glasses on wine and set them on the table. By the way, if you're talking about this "Luigi"
, then i'd check your spelling. You also keep saying "Liugi", which again, suggests the lack of spell check.
| "So Liugi why did you want to seek a meeting with me?" asked Salvatore when Liugi had finally arrived at the table. |
This line doesn't do it for me. "When Luigi had finally arrived at the table" - it seems, i dunno, too formal maybe?
I would consider placing yourself in the scene, and noting the details.
Here's an example of what i might do:
So, Luigi, why did you want a sit-down with me?" Salvatore asked, waving for Luigi to sit before handing his drink.
Think of this - Salvatore is a mafia boss, Luigi is of lower rank. Therefore, Luigi wouldn't sit without permission, i don't think.
| Liugi didn't answer immediately.He sipped some wine and watched Salvatore apprehensively over his glass. |
Again, i think this wouldn't happen. It'd be disrespectful to not answer the boss. Instead consider this - Luigi wouldn't ask for a meeting without knowing why, therefore I don't think he would delay in answering.
| "We should build up our own gang" he said finally and shaking slightly.|
Salvatore took a sip,a slight frown appeared on his face as he asked "Why?".
Luigi hesitated.He put his glass down and stared out at the snow obscured window.
I'm getting the impression that Luigi is intimidated by Salvatore, but at the same time, it seems like Luigi is the top dog, with making the boss wait. in this instance, i think the hesitation works, but previously, not so.
| "My brother,John , was killed by the Triads, so I want revenge and I need people[color=green]. "|
Salvatore stood up so suddenly that Liugi flinched,but he merely went over to the obscured window and cleared some snow of it.
Why is there snow on the inside of the window. Are they outside? I'm not sure, and I think that needs clearing up.
"And now they are bound to be after me,right?" said Liugi when Salvatore did not reply.
Salvatore looked at him, but
his expression was unreadable.
| "I've got two guys who can assist us" he said finally |
I think Salvatore would say "you" no "us" - he might help but only if it benefits him, and he would think "it's your problem"...
| Liugi nodded.Salvatore crossed the room and closed the door.Liugi went up to the snow covered windows and looked out.There,in the distance where three Triads smoking cigrattes and chatting.He felt his insides clench with hatred,he wanted revenge and he wanted it as soon as possible. |
Again, im not sure anyone would just get up and wander around the mafia boss's place.
The door opened and Salvatore entered again but he was now accompanied by two other men,one of them was short and round faced and the other tall serious looking.
| "Joey Leone" said Salvatore gruffly,indicating the short man "And Toni Cripirani" he said indicating the tall man. |
There should be commas after "Leone" and "Cipriani"
Also there's no need to say "he said" after Cipriani, we know who's talking. Most of the time, if there's only two people talking, "he said" is not needed more than the first time, and if it's a long conversation, maybe once or twice to remind the reader. In this instance, an ACTION is better:
| "My son, Joey and Toni Cipriani," Salvatore said gruffly (Not sure if this adjective is needed tbh) , indicating the short man and the tall man respectively. |
I think that works better
| Liugi shook hands with them and they sat down on the table.Salvatore poured two more glasses of wine. |
"sat down on the table" - I know we all say that, but in writing, you need to get that sorta thing right. they sat at
the table. They don't sit ON, it.
| "So,Liugi?" said Salvatore.|
"I want to kill Marko Vanci,leader of the Triads and the one who killed my brother John" he said speaking more to Joey and Toni than to Salvatore.
"Well, I know one thing ," Salvatore said calmly. "Marko Vanci is currently in Vice City and will be for another month . "
"But,four of us against Vanci's army,I really don't think Salvatore This doesnt work here, consider moving it to the end, or beginning of the sentence? this is a good idea....." said Toni hesitantly.
You want to establish who's speaking early on. So having a long sentence, then "said toni" might confuse readers. Make it clear and maybe throw in an action:
"But, Salvatore," Toni said, his glass stopping halfway to his mouth, four of us against....."
Also four of them? Salvatore would not be involved in any physical fighting. He has men for that so consider that. Mafia bosses don't get their hands dirty.
| "Don't worry" said Salvatore shortly "Do you guys trust me?"|
They nodded but very reluctantly.Salvatore however seemed satisfied.
They nodded but very reluctantly. If reluctance is apparent and important enough for the reader to see it, salvatore would also. Any reluctance over them trusting him would piss him off. He's the boss, they're shouldn't be a question of trust at all. If you're trying to convey reluctance to the reader, consider your viewpoint - something i often fail on. Who's story is this? Luigi? If so put it ALL through his eyes, and make that clear. Don't say "Salvatore opened the door," say "Luigi watched Salvatore walk toward the door," or something. That way, with the reader firmly in Luigi's shoes, any reluctance will be hidden to Salvatore. We will be seeing Luigi's thoughts personally.
| "What will we be called?" asked Joey curiously.|
Salvatore looked at him for a few moments before answering:
"Leone Family Mafia"
I can see exactly what you're doing here, but would Joey question what the gang is called? The mafia in LC i believe are long established - im not actually sure WHO started it, but a young Salvatore? perhaps. I was not getting the impression that they were young in this. Joey is his son, but was Salvatore not already a mafia boss when he would have had him? I'm not sure but I'm not being convinced over the origins.
If A - they're all friends, and they start the gang, that should be apparent at the beginning. In that case, why is it LEONE family, not "GOTTERELLI" or "PORTLAND" - why is salvatore the leader?
If B - Salvatore is already a big shot, then i think emphasis should be made to show that.
A decent start, but it still needs working on.