Quantcast

Jump to content

» «
Photo

"Albino Poo"

1 reply to this topic
orbitalraindrops
  • orbitalraindrops

    Homie

  • Andolini Mafia Family
  • Joined: 16 Feb 2012
  • None

#1

Posted 27 January 2013 - 05:55 PM

Aileen is forty six years old although she could easily pass for sixty. Overweight, yet not in a gratuitous way. A scrunched up leathered face with two black olives for eyes. Beady, unwavering, they never miss a trick. She wouldn’t have got this far if they had. Her udders hang low. They raised two boys after all and there suckling has taken it’s toll puckering them and dragging them down over her belly. Her skin is sun burnt yet surprisingly pale, like curdled milk. A complexion only possible in the swamps of West Country.

She wears a formal garm. A once pink dressing gown now pale from years of use. There is a stain of uncertain origin on the left shoulder. Possibly casserole, most likely semen. She is cocooned on the sofa. Her body stewing in the heat of the trailer. On the television she watches him. His lustrous grey mane perfectly frames his brown beard. A gleam in his eye. He’s smiling. She knows he’s smiling at the camera. But to her it feels like he’s smiling right at her. He’s dashing, a charmer and as he strikes the first chord on his guitar she moistens slightly.

Aileen takes a drag on her rollup, clutching the dirty brown paper between her paws. “Tunes of the South” and Tobacco is a standard Saturday night in. The tuneful country music seeps out of the six inch tv. She closes her eyes, lets his serene melodies sweep over her and thinks of his six inches.


“Oh McIntyre”. His name comes out in a grating rasp. Years on the crystal have obviously taken it’s toll on her vocal cords.
“You do gussy up nice” She is murmuring now her green eyes rolling back in there lids as her left mitten explores her nether regions.
“Oh you are such a good boy McIntyre. Such a good boy indeed”. She is rubbing her clitoris at this point.

The door burst open. Eustace enters. He is angry. Eustace is always angry. Aileens eyes snap open. She notices the 6’2 frame in the door and her hand retracts. She sits up startled wiping her juice off on the couch rest
“Why don’t you goddam knock boy?. I coulda been in-decent”
Eustace stares at her unmoving. His eyes are grey, a trait from his father. His tendency for violence is all Aileens doing though”
“It’s gone Ma. It’s all gone”
“What!?. What’s gone?”
“The Crystal…”
“The Crystal!!!. You f*cken’ kidding me boy?”
“They took it Ma. It’s gone. Took both Kilos. Even the one we stashed in toilet”
Aileen is angry now too. The blood that was mere seconds ago in her engorged vagina is now racing around her body carrying the adrenaline that is a result of such unfortunate news.
“Is it Sanderson, did he do it?. That weasel cook once I get him I’ll…
“No it weren’t him Ma, he took one in the leg trying to stop them. Apparently he went crazy once they killed Wrex”
“THEY KILLED WREX!!”
Eustace nods bowing his large cranium. He is looking at the dirty linoleum.
“Oh my poor sweet angel.” Aileen is crying. She had a lot of affection for Wrex.
“Wrex wouldn’t shuppen” says Eustace, matter of factly.
“Yappen all over the place. ‘Parently they had too much of his barking and slit his throat”
Aileen is trying to clear her head. But the death of her favourite puppy has obviously upset her.
“Who did this?. Who would dare rob me and kill Wrexy?”
“And shoot Sanderson…”
“f*ck Sanderson!. I tell you now boy this woulda never have happened in your fathers day. People had respect. They had fear. They knew that you rip us off you gonna get castrated. That’s how operate boy. Always have done. It’s how we keep this family strong”
“I know Ma. I know”
“No you don’t f*cking know!. Ever since your pappy- God rest his soul- died we been taking sh*t. And it’s all cos you too f*cking prissy to do anything. You just get angry make a bunch of unsubstantiated threats and then get drunk”
“What’s unsubzstanziated mean Ma?”
“f*ck you. Did I say you could speak. Always butting in. I knew I shoulda drown you at birth. Your Pa even said. He weak, he frail give him to me and Ill do whats necessary but I didn’t give up on you. I thought you could be something boy.”
“I’m sorry Ma I..”
“And now because you so pussy were getting robbed by the f*cken Trail boys!!!”
“It weren’t… the trail boys ma. Trail boys had no part to play. Some f*cking coons stole it. Big burly city ni**ers by the sound of it”
Aileen is gobsmacked. It is one thing to be robbed. It is entirely another to robbed by a ni**er. Especially a city ni**er.

“You ent lying now are you boy”
“I’d never lie to you Ma”
“Nah but you’d do everything else”
Eustace goes to protest but a wave of Aileens hand (Her forefinger covered in a a crusty film) silences him.
“Don’t speak boy. Just listen real close and do exactly as I say…”

The night sky is clear over west country. A sheet of velvet within which white stars shout and laugh with one another. The black Pine trees stand foreboding. Sentinels around the trailer park. In the distance a horse screams. The Leblanc river flows through all of this. Clean white water full of Salmon and trout. This land is green. This land is fertile. And a bunch of bad f*cking sh*t is about go down.

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    МОКРЫЕДЕЛA

  • The Yardies
  • Joined: 01 May 2009
  • None
  • Most Talented Writer 2013
    Best Story/Poem 2013 "The Storm"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2011 "Justice in Flames"
    Story/Poem of the Year 2010 "City of Lies"

#2

Posted 28 January 2013 - 12:43 PM Edited by Mokrie Dela, 28 January 2013 - 01:11 PM.

QUOTE (orbitalraindrops @ Sunday, Jan 27 2013, 17:55)
Aileen is forty six years old although she could easily pass for sixty. Overweight, yet not in a gratuitous way. A scrunched up leathered face with two black olives for eyes, beady, unwavering; they never miss a trick. She wouldn’t have got this far if they had.

I really like this, the description was good and not a bad start. Unfortunately:

QUOTE
Her udders hang low. They have raised two boys after all and their suckling has taken it’s toll , puckering them and dragging them down over her belly. Her skin is sun burnt yet surprisingly pale, like curdled milk. A complexion only possible in the swamps of West Country.

I can't say I found this pleasing. Not from a technical point (a couple of minor points) , but a personal one. Just doesn't work for me tbh. I'm wondering what's the need for this description?

QUOTE
She wears a formal garm.

A what? I'm not familiar with that word - what's it mean?
QUOTE
A once pink dressing gown , now pale from years of use.

A fragmented sentence, feels like it's supposed to say more. What about the dressing gown. Is that what the "garm" is? In which case the previous sentences should be joined.

QUOTE
There is a stain of uncertain origin on the left shoulder. Possibly casserole, most likely semen. She is cocooned on the sofa. Her body stewing in the heat of the trailer. On the television she watches him. His lustrous grey mane perfectly frames his brown beard. A gleam in his eye. He’s smiling. She knows he’s smiling at the camera. But to her it feels like he’s smiling right at her. He’s dashing, a charmer and as he strikes the first chord on his guitar she moistens slightly.

I'm starting to get a really gritty vibe, very dirty sort of thing. The last part "she moistens slightly" is that supposed to be vague? I found it quite bold, and wondering if you could go subtler, though i think perhaps bold works in this style.

QUOTE
Aileen takes a drag on her rollup, clutching the dirty brown paper between her paws. “Tunes of the South” and Tobacco is a standard Saturday night in. The tuneful country music seeps out of the six inch tv. She closes her eyes, lets his serene melodies sweep over her and thinks of his six inches.

Be careful here. using "" to emphasize titles or thoughts can mislead the reader into thinking speech. Instead, consider using italics:
QUOTE
Aileen takes a drag on her rollup, clutching the dirty brown paper between her paws. Tunes of the South and Tobacco is a standard Saturday night in.



QUOTE
“Oh McIntyre”. ( Full stops, or commas should be INSIDE the inverted commas here: "Oh McIntyre," ) His name comes out in a grating rasp. Years on the crystal have obviously taken it’s toll on her vocal cords.
“You do gussy up nice” She is murmuring now , her green eyes rolling back in there lids as her left mitten explores her nether regions.
“Oh you are such a good boy McIntyre. Such a good boy indeed”. She is rubbing her clitoris at this point.

Again, full stop inside the ""s. Also consider toning down the last sentence. Is this erotica? Do we need to have that thrown in our face? Or would it be better to say "Her hand ventured between her legs"? Hmm. Again perhaps it works with this style, sex is a difficult thing to write.

QUOTE
The door burst open. Eustace enters. He is angry. Eustace is always angry. Aileen( apostrophe here, to signify ownership )s eyes snap open.  She notices the 6’2 frame in the door and her hand retracts. She sits up startled wiping her juice off on the couch rest

Firstly, "6'2" is just lazy. Write it out properly; Six foot, Two. It looks better, reads better. Also you're missing a full stop at the end here and, again, i find this too much information. Perhaps it's your intention, that the reader would feel slightly repulsed, but do we need to know that? Perhaps saying "She sits up, startled, brushing the couch rest"?

QUOTE
“Why don’t you goddam apostrophe here, to show omitted letters - "goddamned" knock boy?. I coulda been indecent” full stop. and Indecent is one word. No hyphen.
Eustace stares at her comma? unmoving. His eyes are grey, a trait from his father. His tendency for violence is all Aileen apostrophe s doing though” full stop
“It’s gone Ma. It’s all gone” full stop
“What!? . What's this? get rid of the full stop. What’s gone?”
“The Crystal…”
“The Crystal !? . You f*cken’ kidding me boy?” It doesn't matter which way round you do this, "!?" or "?!" as long as it's consistent.
“They took it Ma. It’s gone. Took both Kilos. Even the one we stashed in toilet” full stop
Aileen is angry now too. The blood that was mere seconds ago in her engorged vagina is now racing around her body carrying the adrenaline that is a result of such unfortunate news.

Again, I don't think the sexual commentary is needed.

QUOTE
“Is it Sanderson, did he do it?. That weasel cook comma or hyphen? once I get him I’ll… "
“No it weren’t him Ma, he took one in the leg trying to stop them. Apparently he went crazy once they killed Wrex” full stop
“THEY KILLED WREX!!” Again - !? or ?!
Eustace nods , bowing his large cranium. He is looking at the dirty linoleum.
“Oh my poor sweet angel.” Aileen is crying. She had a lot of affection for Wrex.
“Wrex wouldn’t shuppen . ” says Eustace, matter of factly.
“Yappen all over the place. ‘Parently they had too much of his barking and slit his throat”
Aileen is trying to clear her head. But the death of her favourite puppy has obviously upset her.
“Who did this?. Who would dare rob me and kill Wrexy?”
“And shoot Sanderson…”
“f*ck Sanderson!. I tell you now boy this woulda never have happened in your fathers day. People had respect. They had fear. They knew that you rip us off you gonna get castrated. That’s how operate boy. Always have done. It’s how we keep this family strong”
“I know Ma. I know”
“No you don’t f*cking know!. Ever since your pappy- God rest his soul- died we been taking sh*t. And it’s all cos you too f*cking prissy to do anything. You just get angry make a bunch of unsubstantiated threats and then get drunk”
“What’s unsubzstanziated mean Ma?”
“f*ck you. Did I say you could speak. Always butting in. I knew I shoulda drown you at birth. Your Pa even said. He weak, he frail give him to me and Ill do whats necessary but I didn’t give up on you. I thought you could be something boy.”
“I’m sorry Ma I..”
“And now because you so pussy were getting robbed by the f*cken Trail boys!!!”
“It weren’t… the trail boys ma. Trail boys had no part to play. Some f*cking coons stole it. Big burly city ni**ers by the sound of it”
Aileen is gobsmacked. It is one thing to be robbed. It is entirely another to robbed by a ni**er. Especially a city ni**er.


I'm finding it hard to read now, a lot of spelling errors - I think this needs a simple proof read.

QUOTE
“You ent lying now are you boy”
“I’d never lie to you Ma”
“Nah but you’d do everything else”
Eustace goes to protest but a wave of Aileens hand (Her forefinger covered in a a crusty film) silences him.
“Don’t speak boy. Just listen real close and do exactly as I say…”

The night sky is clear over west country. A sheet of velvet within which white stars shout and laugh with one another. The black Pine trees stand foreboding comma Sentinels around the trailer park. In the distance a horse screams. The Leblanc river flows through all of this. Clean white water full of Salmon and trout. This land is green. This land is fertile. And a bunch of bad f*cking sh*t is about go down.

Not a bad bit of description to finish things off with but a little tightening up might not go amiss.

This piece has potential but needs some work. After reading it all, i don't see the need for the detailed sexual descriptions. I think subtler one would be better.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users