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First Fanfic (Currently no name)

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Übermacht
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#1

Posted 05 January 2013 - 01:19 AM Edited by E28, 05 January 2013 - 12:19 PM.

Prologue


Prologue

“My old friend, you don’t look so pleased to see me!” The voice exclaimed, echoing throughout the warehouse. Jason Moore looked around as his eyes adjusted to the light. He looked up and was just able to recognize a familiar face.
“Jesus Christ.” He gasped.
“Ah, you’ve finally woken up. Such a shame, you were sleeping so nicely.”
“What... what do you want?”
“Oh, you know what I want. I want the product.”
“Look man, I don’t have it. Okay? It was stolen, f*cking stolen!”
“I know you have it! No one, NO ONE steals from the Ancelotti’s.” He roared, slamming his fist on the metal table. The tools placed on top of it made a metallic clink as the table shook, and Jason winced at the thought of them being used.
“Look, I don't hav-”
“I may be old, but I run this city.” Ancelotti picked up a particularly sharp instrument, and waved it in Jason’s face to emphasize. “Now, we can do this the happy, easy way, or the scary, bad way.” He addressed Moore in a patronizing manner, almost as if talking to a child.
“It was that russian... Niko or whatever his name is! I swear!” Moore screamed.
“If it was stolen, why did you run from me?”
“I... I was scared, I panicked.”
“I don’t believe you... Where is it?!” Ancelotti roared again. This incident had ruined his families already poor reputation, and he was determined to make those responsible pay.
“I told you, it was the russian!” Moore was desperate now, squirming about in the chair, but to no avail.
“Okay then, hard way it is...”
All feedback is appreciated. smile.gif

AceRay
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#2

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:18 AM

A IV era fan fic? Looks like its time for me to put my BUYG skills to use and see what you've written. I'm mainly doing writing and not punctuation, as I'm sure that Morkie can do that.

QUOTE
“My old friend, you don’t look so pleased to see me!” The voice exclaimed, echoing throughout the warehouse.

Good opening line which grabs the reader's attention and shoves its big, hairy testicles into its face. My interest is piqued. Who is this voice? Who is he/she talking to? Why are they in a warehouse? Why aren't they pleased? I'm eager to venture forth and keep reading, as it creates suspense. Gold star.

QUOTE
The person it was directed at - Jason Moore - looked around as his eyes adjusted to the light.

On the other hand, this line is terrible and you have disgraced your family for even thinking of it. It does not flow smoothly and has broken all my previous intrigue due to the fact its too wordy. You could have made this much simpler by saying Jason Moore looked around as his... or if you really wanted to keep Jason's identity mysterious, just remove the hyphenated part and revealed Jason's name in the following sentence, which would have probably been better. The rest of the this sentence is alright though, as the fact his eyes are adjusting to the light indicates he was tied up well without outright explaining the fact, obeying the "show, don't tell" rule well. You earn back some brownie points.

QUOTE
“Jesus C hrist.” He gasped.

Jesus Christ was a person, so his name is capitalized.

QUOTE
“Ah, you’ve finally woken up. Such a shame, you were sleeping so nicely.”

Kind of lame taunting but it works well enough for creating character. It creates the image of a kind of sly, sarcastic mob boss or capo, like Boccino in IV.

QUOTE
“What- what do you want?”

I'm sure that's not the right punctuation there. Maybe a "..." or something. I'm sure Morkie could correct it well, he's the punctuation guy. Makes Jason seem nervous of the other guy, scared even.

QUOTE
“Oh, you know what I want. I want the product.”

Well, we all want GTAV soon but going round kidnapping random dudes isn't going to solve anything, will it?

QUOTE
“Look man, I don’t have it. OK? It was stolen, f*cking stolen!”

Never write "OK" like that. Its "okay," okay?

Also, Jason seems to buckle under pressure pretty easily. Compare this to Niko's interrogation at the hands of Dimitri and Andrei in IV, where he's pretty much taunting and making jokes the entire time. And this guy's already pissing his pants after two sentences. Is this sissy really the main protagonist? Or is he a decoy protagonist whom will be killed in a couple of chapters?

QUOTE
“I know you have it! No one, NO ONE steals from the Ancelotti’s.” He roared, slamming his fist on the metal table that was placed next to him.

That was good, gives the guy some edge but the last bit was unnecessary like earlier. Get rid of "that was placed next to him" because we know its next to him because he slammed his fist on the table. What was the point? Are you afraid the reader will think he ran across the warehouse after he roared and then slammed his fist there before running back?

QUOTE
The tools placed on top of it made a metallic clink as the table shook, and Jason winced at the thought of them being used on him.

"As" would have worked better than the bolded "and." Also, get rid of the "on him" as once again its unnecessary. The reader isn't going to think that Jason is wincing at the idea of Ancelotti using them on his garden. Rest of the sentence was good though, probably the best in the whole piece.

QUOTE
“Look, old man-”

Jason suddenly got really chummy for someone who was just roared at. Or was his previous lines meant to be sarcastic, like he was taking it in stride. If you were going to portray him like that, maybe some sort of "he said coolly" would have helped build his character at one point. But the thing is, I don't really know how you can make the previous lines participially sarcastic, as he seems to be stuttering and quick with his lines. So, why is he more relaxed here? Is the old man so non-threatening that it makes Jason feel better? Honestly, this just seemed like poor characterization. Maybe something a little more feeble would have fit Jason better. Or change his earlier lines to be more sassy but this is a bit schizophrenic.

QUOTE
“I may be old, but I run this city.” Ancelotti picked up a particularly sharp instrument, and waved it in Jason’s face to emphasize.

Objection!

Also, why is the big boss of the Ancelotti family, Giovanni Ancelotti, thugging Jason personally instead of one of the henchmen? I'm sure they could give him a much better thrashing than Gio could. Or is this a really important deal that Jason just messed up and Gio has to step in personally? Or has the Ancelotti family, after crumbling at the end of IV, fallen to such a level that the once boss of the gang has to step in personally and do rough work. That's... actually pretty clever if you were intending that.
I liked how we don't immediately know what the weapon is, adds some suspense to the scene.

QUOTE
“Now, we can do this the happy, easy way, or the scary, bad way.” He addressed Moore in a patronizing manner, almost as if talking to a child.

That was good, although good and bad could have sufficed instead.

QUOTE
“I will never work with you. NEVER!” Moore spat in Ancelotti’s face.

Hasn't Jason just worked with Ancelotti, considering he said the package was stolen? Shouldn't that line have an "again" in there somewhere. Or is Jason talking about revealing where the package is, which I think would have worked better if it was "tell" or "reveal" or something to that effect.
I don't like how you've suddenly addressing Jason by Moore in the narrative, its rather distracting. Just stick to one name, at least for the beginning.

QUOTE
“OK then, hard way it is..."

Aw man, I hope Ancelotti isn't into any kinky kind of sh*t. Who knows what's on that table? ph34r.gif

All right, this was short but it did get me interested in reading more, so well done. Work on character dialogue and characters, as the narrative is pretty good but Jason starts out quite nervous and scared but then suddenly gets sarcastic in the face of being tortured, calling Ancelotti "old man" and such. Ancelotti also seems like an expy of Pegorino, pretty much the same guy as him.
Looking forward to Chapter 1 nevertheless.

Übermacht
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#3

Posted 05 January 2013 - 12:21 PM

Thanks for the feedback AceRay, I've taken some of your advice and edited it. smile.gif

Übermacht
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#4

Posted 05 January 2013 - 02:49 PM Edited by E28, 06 January 2013 - 12:03 AM.

Chapter One


Niko opened his eyes, and they took a minute to adjust. Sunshine was streaming in through the window, and he had a good view of Meadows Park. He’d always liked it round these parts, and when Roman sold his old place in Middle Park Niko needed to move. He got up, and after getting dressed, Niko got into his new Huntley and took the Algonquin Bridge over the Humboldt. He turned south and drove to new Roman’s cab depot in Fishmarket North. When the recession came there was plenty of vacant property, and since people still needed cabs, Bellic Enterprises was doing just as well. Roman instantly recognized Niko’s car as he pulled up.
“Niko! Good to see you... What do you think of the new Schafters? Pretty neat, eh?”
“Hey, they’re real nice. How’s the business going?”
“Real good. Listen, Mohammed’s ill, so would you mind picking a customer up from the airport?”
“Mohammed? You should fire that asshole Roman, he drove like sh*t anyway...” Roman laughed at Niko’s comment, and tossed him the keys to one of the Schafters.
“You’re picking the customer up at 11.00, okay? He’s coming in on the Los Santos FlyUS flight.” Niko opened the door and was just about to climb in the car. “And Niko?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t get into any trouble.” Niko laughed, and got into the car.
“You know I won’t Roman.” He shut the door, started the engine and drove out of the depot.
I’m not so sure about that cousin, Roman thought as he watched Niko drive off. Of course, they were legit now, most their enemies dead or long gone.
Niko took the Broker Bridge, but that proved to be a mistake as there was an accident on the expressway. He turned off and drove through Hove Beach, before heading along the coast to Francis International. He finally arrived and waited for the customer. While he was waiting, he glanced across the road, and saw a Sentinel, the 2008 model to be exact. The driver quickly looked in the other direction, and Niko realized he was being watched. But were they after him, or his customer?
Suddenly the back door opened, and someone climbed in.
“sh*t. Drive, drive!” said Niko’s passenger. He glanced in the rear-view mirror and saw an old friend.
“Packie?!” Niko exclaimed. “Is that you?”
“Niko? Holy sh*t man, can you get me out of here?”
“I still remember a thing or two.” Niko stamped on the accelerator and the Schafter’s rear wheels spun. Almost simultaneously, the Sentinel across the road started up, it’s straight-six roaring. I knew it, Niko thought to himself, as he pulled out from behind a taxi, and accelerated. Now in his rear-view mirror, the Sentinel pulled out and cut off a bus, which slammed it’s brakes on. Niko went straight, onto the Algonquin-Dukes Expressway. He weaved in and out of the traffic, the Sentinel following closely behind. As they sped onto the Dukes Boulevard, a Phantom pulled out from a side street, it’s trailer laden with logs.
“Niko!” Packie squealed from the backseat.
“Hang on.” Niko shifted down a gear, and buried the accelerator in the carpet. The Schafter’s V8 roared and the car sped forwards. Niko had to swerve to avoid the Phantom, which skidded to a halt. The Sentinel wasn’t so lucky, speeding into the side of the truck, igniting the fuel tank and sending a plume of smoke into the sky.
“That should get rid of them.” Niko said. "Where are you going?”
“Drop me off at the Majestic in Algonquin.” Packie replied.
“So, why’d you came back from LS?”
“I dunno, I kinda missed this place, and I didn’t exactly make any friends there... quite the opposite.”
“You got involved with the wrong people?”
“You could say that...” Packie trailed off. “Listen, Niko, there’s something really big going down. I need you.”
“I’m out of that stuff, Packie. I’m legit now, I help run Roman’s cab business.”
“But, Niko, it’ll be one thing. Real easy.”
“I dunno...” Niko pulled up outside the Majestic.
“Just think about it, please.”
“Okay.” He sighed. “See you around Packie.” Packie shut the door and Niko drove back to the depot. He thought about Kate, and how he tore the McReary’s apart. Maybe he did owe Packie a favour...

TenEightyOne
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#5

Posted 06 January 2013 - 01:36 AM

While I try to rid myself of the mental image of your story thrusting its hairy testicles into AceRay's face I'll comment on the story.

Overall I like it, you've clearly got a good framework set out in your head (or maybe on paper smile.gif ). AceRay's given you his usual fine critique so I'll do my usual vague comment on the end... a lot of it seems too absolute. There's not much nuance - the opening (testes and all) is good but then a lot of your asides (he struggled, but to no avail) seem a little cliched and a little too much. Maybe "formulaic" is the word I'm looking for. Trapped, struggles, pointless. Threatened, is scared. Awakes, "shame, you were sleeping so nicely".

It's not that it's bad but I wonder if you should try rewriting it without using any of your words again - maybe we'll hear more of you and less of the formula?

Obviously all this is only my opinion and I could be dead wrong biggrin.gif




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