A IV era fan fic? Looks like its time for me to put my BUYG skills to use and see what you've written. I'm mainly doing writing and not punctuation, as I'm sure that Morkie can do that.
| “My old friend, you don’t look so pleased to see me!” The voice exclaimed, echoing throughout the warehouse. |
Good opening line which grabs the reader's attention and shoves its big, hairy testicles into its face. My interest is piqued. Who is this voice? Who is he/she talking to? Why are they in a warehouse? Why aren't they pleased? I'm eager to venture forth and keep reading, as it creates suspense. Gold star.
| The person it was directed at - Jason Moore - looked around as his eyes adjusted to the light. |
On the other hand, this line is terrible and you have disgraced your family for even thinking of it. It does not flow smoothly and has broken all my previous intrigue due to the fact its too wordy. You could have made this much simpler by saying Jason Moore looked around as his...
or if you really wanted to keep Jason's identity mysterious, just remove the hyphenated part and revealed Jason's name in the following sentence, which would have probably been better. The rest of the this sentence is alright though, as the fact his eyes are adjusting to the light indicates he was tied up well without outright explaining the fact, obeying the "show, don't tell" rule well. You earn back some brownie points.
| “Jesus C hrist.” He gasped. |
Jesus Christ was a person, so his name is capitalized.
| “Ah, you’ve finally woken up. Such a shame, you were sleeping so nicely.” |
Kind of lame taunting but it works well enough for creating character. It creates the image of a kind of sly, sarcastic mob boss or capo, like Boccino in IV.
| “What- what do you want?” |
I'm sure that's not the right punctuation there. Maybe a "..." or something. I'm sure Morkie could correct it well, he's the punctuation guy. Makes Jason seem nervous of the other guy, scared even.
| “Oh, you know what I want. I want the product.” |
Well, we all want GTAV soon but going round kidnapping random dudes isn't going to solve anything, will it?
| “Look man, I don’t have it. OK? It was stolen, f*cking stolen!” |
Never write "OK" like that. Its "okay," okay?
Also, Jason seems to buckle under pressure pretty easily. Compare this to Niko's interrogation at the hands of Dimitri and Andrei in IV, where he's pretty much taunting and making jokes the entire time. And this guy's already pissing his pants after two sentences. Is this sissy really the main protagonist? Or is he a decoy protagonist whom will be killed in a couple of chapters?
| “I know you have it! No one, NO ONE steals from the Ancelotti’s.” He roared, slamming his fist on the metal table that was placed next to him. |
That was good, gives the guy some edge but the last bit was unnecessary like earlier. Get rid of "that was placed next to him" because we know its next to him because he slammed his fist on the table. What was the point? Are you afraid the reader will think he ran across the warehouse after he roared and then slammed his fist there before running back?
| The tools placed on top of it made a metallic clink as the table shook, and Jason winced at the thought of them being used on him. |
"As" would have worked better than the bolded "and." Also, get rid of the "on him" as once again its unnecessary. The reader isn't going to think that Jason is wincing at the idea of Ancelotti using them on his garden. Rest of the sentence was good though, probably the best in the whole piece.
Jason suddenly got really chummy for someone who was just roared at. Or was his previous lines meant to be sarcastic, like he was taking it in stride. If you were going to portray him like that, maybe some sort of "he said coolly" would have helped build his character at one point. But the thing is, I don't really know how you can make the previous lines participially sarcastic, as he seems to be stuttering and quick with his lines. So, why is he more relaxed here? Is the old man so non-threatening that it makes Jason feel better? Honestly, this just seemed like poor characterization. Maybe something a little more feeble would have fit Jason better. Or change his earlier lines to be more sassy but this is a bit schizophrenic.
| “I may be old, but I run this city.” Ancelotti picked up a particularly sharp instrument, and waved it in Jason’s face to emphasize. |
Also, why is the big boss of the Ancelotti family, Giovanni Ancelotti, thugging Jason personally instead of one of the henchmen? I'm sure they could give him a much better thrashing than Gio could. Or is this a really important deal that Jason just messed up and Gio has to step in personally? Or has the Ancelotti family, after crumbling at the end of IV, fallen to such a level that the once boss of the gang has to step in personally and do rough work. That's... actually pretty clever if you were intending that.
I liked how we don't immediately know what the weapon is, adds some suspense to the scene.
| “Now, we can do this the happy, easy way, or the scary, bad way.” He addressed Moore in a patronizing manner, almost as if talking to a child. |
That was good, although good and bad could have sufficed instead.
| “I will never work with you. NEVER!” Moore spat in Ancelotti’s face. |
Hasn't Jason just worked with Ancelotti, considering he said the package was stolen? Shouldn't that line have an "again" in there somewhere. Or is Jason talking about revealing where the package is, which I think would have worked better if it was "tell" or "reveal" or something to that effect.
I don't like how you've suddenly addressing Jason by Moore in the narrative, its rather distracting. Just stick to one name, at least for the beginning.
| “OK then, hard way it is..." |
Aw man, I hope Ancelotti isn't into any kinky kind of sh*t. Who knows what's on that table?
All right, this was short but it did get me interested in reading more, so well done. Work on character dialogue and characters, as the narrative is pretty good but Jason starts out quite nervous and scared but then suddenly gets sarcastic in the face of being tortured, calling Ancelotti "old man" and such. Ancelotti also seems like an expy of Pegorino, pretty much the same guy as him.
Looking forward to Chapter 1 nevertheless.